Re: LOVE

[Guest guest]

I hope that you can, like I have, look to what can be, rather than what has been.  For I gaze on a past of despair, and can only see a future of possibility.  I bury the past; I burn it to ashes.  To me the person that I was is not the person that I am.  Worth can only be expressed in virtuous action; and that is always potentially true, so far as we are alive.  

Beauty in meaninglessness; transcendence in emptiness.  That is what I choose to see.

 

I have a box full of paper detailing years of this journey and it fell, spilling everywhere. I glanced at the words on one of the pages, I'd written it when I was 18 years old and in love, deeply in love. I was so entranced by him that for me, it seemed like no other males existed. He obviously didn't share my commitment (even though he asked me to marry him) because the relationship ended in betrayal, (he took two other women, bloody prostitutes). I look at those words I wrote and realise that I have not been able to give myself so freely to anyone since then. I'll be 43 years old this year and the best I have managed is two 3 year relationships prior to turning 21 years old. All the rest were just emotionally detatched sexual partners or people willing to hang with me for a while.

I sometimes think that such emotion is folly, reserved for the young and gullible. Then I look a society passing me in the street and I see people who seem to still experience love. I wish I was able to have a meaningful relationship, it just seems like a pipe dream of yesteryear. I can barely live with myself, why would anyone else want to? Even my daughter left me. Damn it! So now I know that love is everything (the only thing, as Steve's quote says), both the history and the present leave me feeling empty. I picked up the papers and put the lid back on the box. That's enough of that thank you very much.

More work needed on defusing `worthless'. Just something else to sit with I guess.

(Pondering things past)