Re: Competitivenenss

[Guest guest]

Don't beat yourself up . It's human nature. At least you recognise what you are doing - which is a hellava lot more than most folks!

There is a practise in Buddhism called 'sympathetic joy' which addresses this problem - learning to be happy for others is a skill to be developed - for all of us! Let it go..

Simone

To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Friday, 23 March 2012, 11:47Subject: Competitivenenss

I have a horrible feeling today. Some of my colleagues at work have won a brilliant huge new contract, which they worked very hard on. But we also found out that another (smaller) contract we had gone for - which I was responsible for - we didn't win.I feel bad for not getting my contract, and feel worse that I feel jealous of my colleagues because they did. I know I should feel happy for them, and for the whole team, and it is churlish of me to feel this way. I hate competitivness amongst colleagues at work, yet it appears I am the worst culprit.I feel like a sportsman whose team has won, but who played badly himself. I'm pretending to be happy for them. x

[Guest guest]

Thanks SimoneCan you learn to be happy for others? It is a skill I would love to have right now!..I am willing to practice the skill if it is in keeping with ACT traditions. I will look up sympathetic joy, but if you have any helpful links I will follow them through.Thanks again x To: "ACT_for_the_Public " <ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Friday, 23 March 2012, 12:03 Subject: Re: Competitivenenss

Don't beat yourself up . It's human nature. At least you recognise what you are doing - which is a hellava lot more than most folks!

There is a practise in Buddhism called 'sympathetic joy' which addresses this problem - learning to be happy for others is a skill to be developed - for all of us! Let it go..

Simone

To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Friday, 23 March 2012, 11:47Subject: Competitivenenss

I have a horrible feeling today. Some of my colleagues at work have won a brilliant huge new contract, which they worked very hard on. But we also found out that another (smaller) contract we had gone for - which I was responsible for - we didn't win.I feel bad for not getting my contract, and feel worse that I feel jealous of my colleagues because they did. I know I should feel happy for them, and for the whole team, and it is churlish of me to feel this way. I hate competitivness amongst colleagues at work, yet it appears I am the worst culprit.I feel like a sportsman whose team has won, but who played badly himself. I'm pretending to be happy for them. x

[Guest guest]

Hi :I can imagine how you feel. I'm sure it does feel terrible. I guess the best consolation I can offer is that your colleagues are probably focused on the big win and not on you and what didn't happen on your project. Soon it will be completely forgotten. Most people are much more focused on themselves than on anybody else, even to criticize.I think the best you can do is put on a brave face and do the best you can to seem happy and be a good teammate. Beating yourself up for not being a better person and not being happy for your colleagues is not going to help you. All you can do is do your best next time.But I know it hurts and it feels like it's never going to go away. It will, though. And then it will be something else.I'm sorry this has happened and I wish you the strength to get through it.Bruce I have a horrible feeling today. Some of my colleagues at work have won a brilliant huge new contract, which they worked very hard on. But we also found out that another (smaller) contract we had gone for - which I was responsible for - we didn't win. I feel bad for not getting my contract, and feel worse that I feel jealous of my colleagues because they did. I know I should feel happy for them, and for the whole team, and it is churlish of me to feel this way. I hate competitivness amongst colleagues at work, yet it appears I am the worst culprit. I feel like a sportsman whose team has won, but who played badly himself. I'm pretending to be happy for them. x

[Guest guest]

Hi , This is in a form of a question, because I am new to ACT, and perhaps

this is what your are saying in your post and I am obtuse.

I think we are to acknowledge feeling horrible, the disappointment for not

getting your contract and the jealousy of colleagues who did. These are normal

human feelings.

No shoulds about it—you don't feel happy for them and, it appears, churlish is

also what is happening right now.

Not that I am capable of doing this at all, but, politically speaking, acting

`as if' would be a good idea.

You may be best served to share all this stuff with us, and to congratulate your

colleagues and not elaborate on your disappointment.

I have it heard it said that yes, it is possible for one to be truly happy for

others in this situation---- I have only heard it said---basically a rumor for

me at this time.

Wanda

[Guest guest]

Hi , Shame is a God given emotion, we all have it. Sometimes it’s not God given it comes from elsewhere. Jealousy showed up to protect you from toxic shame, who is judging you? From: ACT_for_the_Public [mailto:ACT_for_the_Public ] On Behalf Of Bruce CarlsonSent: 23 March 2012 15:51To: ACT_for_the_Public Subject: Re: Competitivenenss Hi : I can imagine how you feel. I'm sure it does feel terrible. I guess the best consolation I can offer is that your colleagues are probably focused on the big win and not on you and what didn't happen on your project. Soon it will be completely forgotten. Most people are much more focused on themselves than on anybody else, even to criticize. I think the best you can do is put on a brave face and do the best you can to seem happy and be a good teammate. Beating yourself up for not being a better person and not being happy for your colleagues is not going to help you. All you can do is do your best next time. But I know it hurts and it feels like it's never going to go away. It will, though. And then it will be something else. I'm sorry this has happened and I wish you the strength to get through it. Bruce I have a horrible feeling today. Some of my colleagues at work have won a brilliant huge new contract, which they worked very hard on. But we also found out that another (smaller) contract we had gone for - which I was responsible for - we didn't win.I feel bad for not getting my contract, and feel worse that I feel jealous of my colleagues because they did. I know I should feel happy for them, and for the whole team, and it is churlish of me to feel this way. I hate competitivness amongst colleagues at work, yet it appears I am the worst culprit.I feel like a sportsman whose team has won, but who played badly himself. I'm pretending to be happy for them. x

[Guest guest]

Thanks , your despair shows how well meaning you are and I would

feel exactly the same as you.

When I read these books on Budhhism and I so much want what these people

have. I always considerd Buddhism to be a very draconian way to deal

with life, but now I have no sex drive (PSSD), and I am much older,

losing desire and passion doesn't seem so bad afterall. To be with all

conflict and allow things to be (acceptance) could really transcend all

this suffering for me.

Kv

>

> Don't beat yourself up . It's human nature. At least you

recognise what you are doing - which is a hellava lot more than most

folks!

> There is a practise in Buddhism called 'sympathetic joy' which

addresses this problem - learning to be happy for others is a skill to

be developed - for all of us! Let it go..

> Â

> Simone

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: oscar.robson oscar.robson@...

> To: ACT_for_the_Public

> Sent: Friday, 23 March 2012, 11:47

> Subject: Competitivenenss

>

>

> Â

> I have a horrible feeling today. Some of my colleagues at work have

won a brilliant huge new contract, which they worked very hard on. But

we also found out that another (smaller) contract we had gone for -

which I was responsible for - we didn't win.

>

> I feel bad for not getting my contract, and feel worse that I feel

jealous of my colleagues because they did. I know I should feel happy

for them, and for the whole team, and it is churlish of me to feel this

way. I hate competitivness amongst colleagues at work, yet it appears I

am the worst culprit.

>

> I feel like a sportsman whose team has won, but who played badly

himself. I'm pretending to be happy for them.

>

> x

>

[Guest guest]

I used to consider myself to be a top engineer and then someone else might come along and solve a problem much faster than me. This was hard because I felt I should be better at this because I had studied so much and I believed I was quite bright. But I found a way around this by saying that I can learn from other people and this will improve my skills.

What I did not notice, though, was the things that I did solved quite quickly because these came quite easy to me so I did not notice it as clever (in a way that the fish are the last to notice the sea). I then realised that I was quick to bash myself for my failiures but took no recognition for my successes. I'm still like this but I can see how my mind works nowadays.

Kv

> >> > Don't beat yourself up . It's human nature. At least you> recognise what you are doing - which is a hellava lot more than most> folks!> > There is a practise in Buddhism called 'sympathetic joy' which> addresses this problem - learning to be happy for others is a skill to> be developed - for all of us! Let it go..> > Â> > Simone> >> >> > ________________________________> > From: oscar.robson oscar.robson@> > To: ACT_for_the_Public > > Sent: Friday, 23 March 2012, 11:47> > Subject: Competitivenenss> >> >> > Â> > I have a horrible feeling today. Some of my colleagues at work have> won a brilliant huge new contract, which they worked very hard on. But> we also found out that another (smaller) contract we had gone for -> which I was responsible for - we didn't win.> >> > I feel bad for not getting my contract, and feel worse that I feel> jealous of my colleagues because they did. I know I should feel happy> for them, and for the whole team, and it is churlish of me to feel this> way. I hate competitivness amongst colleagues at work, yet it appears I> am the worst culprit.> >> > I feel like a sportsman whose team has won, but who played badly> himself. I'm pretending to be happy for them.> >> > x> >>

[Guest guest]

I can certainly relate to that. I'm so quick to ruminate on what I don't know. I feel it in my gut whereas my successes just wash right over me these days and I pay them no attention. I fixate on my shortcomings and especially my fears on what I'm not and what I don't have. I try to be positive about myself but it just doesn't seem to want to stick.I just came back from the SXSW Conference in Austin, which maybe some here have heard of. The event basically consisted of seminars where panelists told about how successful and leading-edge they were. For an emotionally healthy person, it's meant to be informative and inspirational. For people like me, it was daunting to see how much some people are able to achieve in their lives and careers and what the heck is wrong with me? I could barely get up and out of my hotel room to go to the seminars.Now that I'm back, I remember the good parts of the conference and not so much of the bad. But I still feel ashamed that I struggle so hard to achieve what I do. I feel like I should be better with a lot less effort and struggle. Maybe I need to accept that and move on with what I can do.Bruce I used to consider myself to be a top engineer and then someone else might come along and solve a problem much faster than me. This was hard because I felt I should be better at this because I had studied so much and I believed I was quite bright. But I found a way around this by saying that I can learn from other people and this will improve my skills. What I did not notice, though, was the things that I did solved quite quickly because these came quite easy to me so I did not notice it as clever (in a way that the fish are the last to notice the sea). I then realised that I was quick to bash myself for my failiures but took no recognition for my successes. I'm still like this but I can see how my mind works nowadays. Kv> >> > Don't beat yourself up . It's human nature. At least you> recognise what you are doing - which is a hellava lot more than most> folks!> > There is a practise in Buddhism called 'sympathetic joy' which> addresses this problem - learning to be happy for others is a skill to> be developed - for all of us! Let it go..> > Â> > Simone> >> >> > ________________________________> > From: oscar.robson oscar.robson@> > To: ACT_for_the_Public > > Sent: Friday, 23 March 2012, 11:47> > Subject: Competitivenenss> >> >> > Â> > I have a horrible feeling today. Some of my colleagues at work have> won a brilliant huge new contract, which they worked very hard on. But> we also found out that another (smaller) contract we had gone for -> which I was responsible for - we didn't win.> >> > I feel bad for not getting my contract, and feel worse that I feel> jealous of my colleagues because they did. I know I should feel happy> for them, and for the whole team, and it is churlish of me to feel this> way. I hate competitivness amongst colleagues at work, yet it appears I> am the worst culprit.> >> > I feel like a sportsman whose team has won, but who played badly> himself. I'm pretending to be happy for them.> >> > x> >>

[Guest guest]

I have read that people with chronic depression will strive on and on as

much as they can go. If they are bright they will get PHD's, or become

doctors, CEO's, ect. I posted about Alistair the other day and

if I had achieved what he had I would no doubt still be depressed. When

you feel inadequate inside you blame yourself and feel that the way out

is to achieve more, to become more successful and daring.

Now I am a highly qualified engineer doing a tough job, but still I

think I should have gone into managerment. And if I was a manager I

would no doubt feel a failure unless I went into higher management, and

if I went for that I would be scared of becoming a director and so I

would berate myself because of my 'yellow' fear. A psychologist said to

me once that it seems that I won't stop until I am perfect.

It must be time to for me to stop now and try to understand what is

going on inside.

Kv

> > > >

> > > > Don't beat yourself up . It's human nature. At least you

> > > recognise what you are doing - which is a hellava lot more than

most

> > > folks!

> > > > There is a practise in Buddhism called 'sympathetic joy' which

> > > addresses this problem - learning to be happy for others is a

> > skill to

> > > be developed - for all of us! Let it go..

> > > > Â

> > > > Simone

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > ________________________________

> > > > From: oscar.robson oscar.robson@

> > > > To: ACT_for_the_Public

> > > > Sent: Friday, 23 March 2012, 11:47

> > > > Subject: Competitivenenss

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Â

> > > > I have a horrible feeling today. Some of my colleagues at work

> > have

> > > won a brilliant huge new contract, which they worked very hard on.

> > But

> > > we also found out that another (smaller) contract we had gone for

-

> > > which I was responsible for - we didn't win.

> > > >

> > > > I feel bad for not getting my contract, and feel worse that I

feel

> > > jealous of my colleagues because they did. I know I should feel

> > happy

> > > for them, and for the whole team, and it is churlish of me to feel

> > this

> > > way. I hate competitivness amongst colleagues at work, yet it

> > appears I

> > > am the worst culprit.

> > > >

> > > > I feel like a sportsman whose team has won, but who played badly

> > > himself. I'm pretending to be happy for them.

> > > >

> > > > x

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That is so kind of you as I am feeling rather bad about myself right

now.

Kv

> > > > >

> > > > > Don't beat yourself up . It's human nature. At least you

> > > > recognise what you are doing - which is a hellava lot more than

> most

> > > > folks!

> > > > > There is a practise in Buddhism called 'sympathetic joy' which

> > > > addresses this problem - learning to be happy for others is a

> > > skill to

> > > > be developed - for all of us! Let it go..

> > > > > Â

> > > > > Simone

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > ________________________________

> > > > > From: oscar.robsonoscar.robson@

> > > > > To: ACT_for_the_Public

> > > > > Sent: Friday, 23 March 2012, 11:47

> > > > > Subject: Competitivenenss

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Â

> > > > > I have a horrible feeling today. Some of my colleagues at work

> > > have

> > > > won a brilliant huge new contract, which they worked very hard

on.

> > > But

> > > > we also found out that another (smaller) contract we had gone

for

> -

> > > > which I was responsible for - we didn't win.

> > > > >

> > > > > I feel bad for not getting my contract, and feel worse that I

> feel

> > > > jealous of my colleagues because they did. I know I should feel

> > > happy

> > > > for them, and for the whole team, and it is churlish of me to

feel

> > > this

> > > > way. I hate competitivness amongst colleagues at work, yet it

> > > appears I

> > > > am the worst culprit.

> > > > >

> > > > > I feel like a sportsman whose team has won, but who played

badly

> > > > himself. I'm pretending to be happy for them.

> > > > >

> > > > > x

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>