Re: ACT in Relationships - Intimate

[Guest guest]

Wow, Just the subject I need to hear about. I never put it in ACT context

before. I too have that friend that I spend time with but thats as far as it

goes. I need to define what I value more specifially in relationships, write it

down in ACT format becuase it is in my head. But I also need to defuse my

disapointment and heartbreak. Any more on this subject, would be greatly

appreciated.

> >

> >

> > Hello Group,

> >

> > I seem to be back into summary mode and have been looking at all the

relationships around me. I'd like to share a story that for me is lovely,

despite the difficulties of the journey.

> >

> > ********************************************************************

> >

> > Parenting

> >

> > Value: Longevity (To be there for my child)

> >

> > Goal/Direction: Loving Kindness (Acceptance)

> >

> > Objectives: Patience, mindful communication, understanding, guidance, easy

manner....etc. etc. etc.

> >

> > The journey I've taken with my child has been like a ride of dreams for me.

My daughter has taught me more than any human I've encountered thus far.

Parenting exposed me to every human emotion possible and I bought multiple

passes on all the rides. As a result, at random and unexpected moments during

her short life, I would lose myself and my ability to parent effectively. On one

such occasion things got so bad that I had to ask my girlfriend to take my child

for 6 weeks. Throughout her life, my daughter and I played together as children

play, she enriched my world and the intensity of my emotion for that experience

cannot be measured.

> >

> > Ok, so the journey continued to recent past when I lost it again. This time,

in her teens, my daughter just moved out. I was crushed. How was I to reconcile

the most valuable relationship I've ever had? Then came in the skills and

insight of ACT. I felt all was lost and had no direction to go with her, then I

looked to what I value the most about being a parent and that is to be present

(to be able to stick it out regardless). That gave me strength, a mission of my

deepest desire. Then I looked towards my goal, how the hell do I get

there?...with loving kindness, (something that can't be told but has to be done,

again and again)...that goal lead to acceptance. That leg of the journey began

with very small steps, text messaging, and the small steps continued, she began

to come every Monday for dinner. The progression built into requests of

assistance when needed...and on, until...one day she asked to move back in with

me! What a blessing to my desire. Having followed my goal of practicing loving

kindness during interactions with my daughter, I witnessed a transformation of

the relationship.

> >

> > Today I bare witness to the evolution of an illuminating, dynamic and

vibrant human being.

> >

> > *********************************************************************

> >

> > I am inconceivably grateful to have come into these lessons.

> >

> > Amazing what a difference a day makes :-)

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I totally can relate - even to the "friends with benefits" part. If you are scaring your online potential dates/partners off, good. You can weed the sissies out of your life early. You wouldn't want a man who is scared of a woman's healthy assertiveness, now would you? So ...... you call it "traveling" when you, um, have sex? What a cute euphemism. I haven't traveled in a while - not that I don't want to. There is still a fire in this furnace, but ain't nobody stoked my ashes in awhile ... hmmmmm.Helena : )To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, March 30, 2012 12:00:35 AMSubject: Re: ACT in Relationships - Intimate

Intimate Relationships

What a challenge is this domain, with all its energy, excitement and promise, all its want, desire and its....gaps. I know love for a partner, the ease of exclusivity and its passion outside of sex. I know lust and its driving forces towards physical sensation...(now that is urge surfing at its best/worst). I know infatuation, being caught up in want...to fill the gaps.

Within the decades of my life, I have spent it in moments of celibacy, littered with moments of promiscuity (perhaps that's the other way around). Early in the piece (during therapy) I learned that I don't want to have sex with strangers. I took that lesson to heart, (to the greatest degree) but I was left celibate again as everyone is a stranger so...I started having sex with my friend (I had always said `no' before. I felt better about my intimate relations but still travelled when I engaged intimately).

Back to my values......

Value: Fidelity (Love that blinds one to others)

Goal/Direction: Respect (Sensation intelligence)

Objectives: Physically express kindness, be open and willing to take pain, use a gentle, easy manner, inspire and be inspired,.....etc. etc. etc.

So recently...I went online dating. Now this is a different experience, according to gender. As a female, you can say what you want in your profile, even specify an age group but the young males, in their twenties, (full of testosterone) still try their luck with numbers and probability. I feel insulted by their advances...one, I have no desire to have sex with someone who could be my son and secondly, I'm not so vain as to think it is me (as opposed to my body) that they want. I have had two dates with men of my age, one lied, (not a good start, be it a white lie, to impress (maybe)) and another who didn't follow through with another meeting. I think I've scared them with my assertive/direct (not dysfunctional) approach. I'm a bit lost in all this to be honest. It is great practice :-)

According to my lessons on awareness, this online dating environment allows me to just move through many emotions prior to even meeting the person and ACT taught me to have no expectations and engage with the moment. This intimate journey (the pain of wanting love and feeling loss) has been made possible with an attitude of openness and expansion. A stranger no longer has any influence on `who' I am, I can feel bad in a moment about what they said or did but....I am still me (and I am ok).

I like me...I hope one day one male person will too....I continue to journey, and occasionally `travel' with my friend ...mmm ... mmm ... ACTing...(-: I know you don't mean it like that Steve)...he, he, he...but I take what you give me and make it mine...there's the ego again...damn it...

I know most are more conservative than me but I'd love to hear of your journey in this domain, particularly if you are married....

>

>

> Hello Group,

>

> I seem to be back into summary mode and have been looking at all the relationships around me. I'd like to share a story that for me is lovely, despite the difficulties of the journey.

>

> ********************************************************************

>

> Parenting

>

> Value: Longevity (To be there for my child)

>

> Goal/Direction: Loving Kindness (Acceptance)

>

> Objectives: Patience, mindful communication, understanding, guidance, easy manner....etc. etc. etc.

>

> The journey I've taken with my child has been like a ride of dreams for me. My daughter has taught me more than any human I've encountered thus far. Parenting exposed me to every human emotion possible and I bought multiple passes on all the rides. As a result, at random and unexpected moments during her short life, I would lose myself and my ability to parent effectively. On one such occasion things got so bad that I had to ask my girlfriend to take my child for 6 weeks. Throughout her life, my daughter and I played together as children play, she enriched my world and the intensity of my emotion for that experience cannot be measured.

>

> Ok, so the journey continued to recent past when I lost it again. This time, in her teens, my daughter just moved out. I was crushed. How was I to reconcile the most valuable relationship I've ever had? Then came in the skills and insight of ACT. I felt all was lost and had no direction to go with her, then I looked to what I value the most about being a parent and that is to be present (to be able to stick it out regardless). That gave me strength, a mission of my deepest desire. Then I looked towards my goal, how the hell do I get there?...with loving kindness, (something that can't be told but has to be done, again and again)...that goal lead to acceptance. That leg of the journey began with very small steps, text messaging, and the small steps continued, she began to come every Monday for dinner. The progression built into requests of assistance when needed...and on, until...one day she asked to move back in with me! What a blessing to my desire. Having followed my goal of practicing loving kindness during interactions with my daughter, I witnessed a transformation of the relationship.

>

> Today I bare witness to the evolution of an illuminating, dynamic and vibrant human being.

>

> *********************************************************************

>

> I am inconceivably grateful to have come into these lessons.

>

> Amazing what a difference a day makes :-)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have often thought about online dating, but I have never heard of any positive outcomes among many personal friends who've tried it, and I have heard plenty of negative stories. However, if I seriously wanted to establish an intimate relationship with a man, I would put in the effort. As it is, I'm fairly content with things as they are and am learning to enjoy my own company for the first time in my life. Bottom line: it would be nice to have a man in my life, but it's not that important. And it used to be all-important, to the point of making many impulsive mistakes with men (looking for love in all the wrong places). Of course, I am older than many of you, which doesn't mean I don't feel desire anymore but it's not as consuming as it used to be.Another thing while we are on this subject: I've been hurt many times by men, by love - and I used to blame them for how they treated me and for being dishonest when I was being authentic. I see it a bit differently now. It was not their fault that they were being "who they were" while I was giving out vibes that I was willing to be used for the sake of love. Some men have radar for seeking out vulnerable women and they may not even realize they are doing that. It is my responsibility to use MY radar and choose men who have values that align with mine. I didn't always do that in the past, and I got hurt. It was my fault, not theirs. I am responsible for myself only. To those of you who are carrying around the baggage of regret and pain over lost love, I encourage you to come to terms with that and stop giving those thoughts so much weight. "When we know better, we do better." ACT has taught me how to "know" better so I can stop looking outside of myself - including outside of my negative thoughts (let them be there, those silly things!) - for contentment and fulfillment.HelenaFrom: " L" <experiential2012@....au>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, March 30, 2012 6:26:57 PMSubject: Re: Re: ACT in Relationships - Intimate

Why not try the online dating Helena? It really is a smorgasbord. A bit of a

bumpy ride but a great environment to practice ACT skills. To be honest, I'm

tired of travelling all the time during my intimate experiences. I want to

learn how to be totally present with him and fully engage. I've been practicing

this with my friend and my experience keeps on changing (it’s getting even more

lovely).

I

look forward most to establishing a relationship with a male. I feel like I finally

have the patience/skills to do it right and take things slowly. I saw a lovely

man last night and he wants to see me again today. I'm in no rush but am

curious about what will happen. Now I have an awareness of the body sensations,

I can ride them as opposed to acting on the lust without enough consideration.

It’s a ‘middle way’ between celibacy and promiscuity.

Take

care,

To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Saturday, 31 March 2012 5:41 AM Subject: Re: Re: ACT in Relationships - Intimate

I totally can relate - even to the "friends with benefits" part. If you are scaring your online potential dates/partners off, good. You can weed the sissies out of your life early. You wouldn't want a man who is scared of a woman's healthy assertiveness, now would you? So ...... you call it "traveling" when you, um, have sex? What a cute euphemism. I haven't traveled in a while - not that I don't want to. There is still a fire in this furnace, but ain't nobody stoked my ashes in awhile ... hmmmmm.Helena : )From: "experiential2012" <experiential2012@....au>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, March 30, 2012 12:00:35 AMSubject: Re: ACT in

Relationships - Intimate

Intimate Relationships

What a challenge is this domain, with all its energy, excitement and promise, all its want, desire and its....gaps. I know love for a partner, the ease of exclusivity and its passion outside of sex. I know lust and its driving forces towards physical sensation...(now that is urge surfing at its best/worst). I know infatuation, being caught up in want...to fill the gaps.

Within the decades of my life, I have spent it in moments of celibacy, littered with moments of promiscuity (perhaps that's the other way around). Early in the piece (during therapy) I learned that I don't want to have sex with strangers. I took that lesson to heart, (to the greatest degree) but I was left celibate again as everyone is a stranger so...I started having sex with my friend (I had always said `no' before. I felt better about my intimate relations but still travelled when I engaged intimately).

Back to my values......

Value: Fidelity (Love that blinds one to others)

Goal/Direction: Respect (Sensation intelligence)

Objectives: Physically express kindness, be open and willing to take pain, use a gentle, easy manner, inspire and be inspired,.....etc. etc. etc.

So recently...I went online dating. Now this is a different experience, according to gender. As a female, you can say what you want in your profile, even specify an age group but the young males, in their twenties, (full of testosterone) still try their luck with numbers and probability. I feel insulted by their advances...one, I have no desire to have sex with someone who could be my son and secondly, I'm not so vain as to think it is me (as opposed to my body) that they want. I have had two dates with men of my age, one lied, (not a good start, be it a white lie, to impress (maybe)) and another who didn't follow through with another meeting. I think I've scared them with my assertive/direct (not dysfunctional) approach. I'm a bit lost in all this to be honest. It is great practice :-)

According to my lessons on awareness, this online dating environment allows me to just move through many emotions prior to even meeting the person and ACT taught me to have no expectations and engage with the moment. This intimate journey (the pain of wanting love and feeling loss) has been made possible with an attitude of openness and expansion. A stranger no longer has any influence on `who' I am, I can feel bad in a moment about what they said or did but....I am still me (and I am ok).

I like me...I hope one day one male person will too....I continue to journey, and occasionally `travel' with my friend ...mmm ... mmm ... ACTing...(-: I know you don't mean it like that Steve)...he, he, he...but I take what you give me and make it mine...there's the ego again...damn it...

I know most are more conservative than me but I'd love to hear of your journey in this domain, particularly if you are married....

>

>

> Hello Group,

>

> I seem to be back into summary mode and have been looking at all the relationships around me. I'd like to share a story that for me is lovely, despite the difficulties of the journey.

>

> ********************************************************************

>

> Parenting

>

> Value: Longevity (To be there for my child)

>

> Goal/Direction: Loving Kindness (Acceptance)

>

> Objectives: Patience, mindful communication, understanding, guidance, easy manner....etc. etc. etc.

>

> The journey I've taken with my child has been like a ride of dreams for me. My daughter has taught me more than any human I've encountered thus far. Parenting exposed me to every human emotion possible and I bought multiple passes on all the rides. As a result, at random and unexpected moments during her short life, I would lose myself and my ability to parent effectively. On one such occasion things got so bad that I had to ask my girlfriend to take my child for 6 weeks. Throughout her life, my daughter and I played together as children play, she enriched my world and the intensity of my emotion for that experience cannot be measured.

>

> Ok, so the journey continued to recent past when I lost it again. This time, in her teens, my daughter just moved out. I was crushed. How was I to reconcile the most valuable relationship I've ever had? Then came in the skills and insight of ACT. I felt all was lost and had no direction to go with her, then I looked to what I value the most about being a parent and that is to be present (to be able to stick it out regardless). That gave me strength, a mission of my deepest desire. Then I looked towards my goal, how the hell do I get there?...with loving kindness, (something that can't be told but has to be done, again and again)...that goal lead to acceptance. That leg of the journey began with very small steps, text messaging, and the small steps continued, she began to come every Monday for dinner. The progression built into requests of assistance when needed...and on, until...one day she asked to move back in with me! What a blessing to my

desire. Having followed my goal of practicing loving kindness during interactions with my daughter, I witnessed a transformation of the relationship.

>

> Today I bare witness to the evolution of an illuminating, dynamic and vibrant human being.

>

> *********************************************************************

>

> I am inconceivably grateful to have come into these lessons.

>

> Amazing what a difference a day makes :-)

>

>

>