Re: Re: Lunch (connection with others)/ What others think of me matters sometimes

[Guest guest]

I have incredibly judgemental thoughts about other people. I don't mean to, but they just happen.

I have had some sort of judgmental thought about everyone who posts on this forum, I'm pretty sure.

Uncomfortable, isn't it!!!

I entirely expect people to have had some judgemental thoughts about me too. Maybe as you read this.

Lesson 1 of ACT is that we can't change or control our thoughts. Neither can other people when they are thinking of you. It is obviously also true that we can't control each other's thoughts!!!!

It is something we have to live with.

x

To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Saturday, 11 February 2012, 10:10Subject: Re: Re: Lunch (connection with others)/ What others think of me matters sometimes

Here's my take on it ... "What other people think of me is none of my business" is not a one-size-fits-all statement. It doesn't fit a married couple, for example, nor employee/boss. If it fits at all, it would be applicable for those outside your social frame of reference - strangers or passing acquaintances - perhaps casual friends, but not close friends.

We do care what others think of us (most of us, most of the time) but that doesn't necessarily make it our business. Caring does not mean we have to like or agree with what others think of us, or even think it's important. It's kind of like acceptance - just allow other people's opinions of you to just be there - make room for them, but don't necessarily like them or buy into them. Their opinions, in many cases, really are none of your business as you go about living your life according to your values. When I said, "It doesn't really matter if they like me or not" I didn't mean that I didn't care - just that it wasn't of importance as a factor in my living my life.

Helena

From: "theresa linder" <theresa.linderymail>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, February 10, 2012 8:15:56 PMSubject: Re: Lunch (connection with others)/ What others think of me matters sometimes

Some random thoughts re: this part of the thread, about the saying: "What other people think of me is none of my business". This attending to what others think remains something of a painful tripping point in my life although with ACT practice, much less so, thank goodness. Held loosely of course we move toward not being jerked around by what others say. The goal after all is to listen more to our inner gut, our heart our experience and less to all the noise that is generated by our minds, by language. And as some of us noted here too, we also find feedback from others valuable, even critical if you're anything like me. But after years in therapy and lots of time and money spent on trying to not care about caring, and leaning heavily on sayings like this in an effort to control my caring too much, I am so grateful today to say I absolutely care what other people think of me! And..and sayings like this make a lot more sense today as I

hold them lightly as an opportunity to let go some and trust my inner experience more.And the answer today to caring too much about what others think is not "don't care what others think of me". Caring too much and the suffering around that is in ACT terms more about not accepting caring for what it is. The suffering begins to enter when I start adding or subtracting to the caring, such as what Barbara (i think) was alluding to with the mention of fantasies emanating from mind. Caring too much about what other people think of me creates suffering when it becomes over time more and more about a made up story, about fusion with the made up story. About things I can't control one iota. Events that may or may not have happened, will happen. The suffering enters when caring becomes more than in the moment caring, when I'm not listening carefully, willingly to the content of your opinion, your thoughts, my thoughts and instead begin to

tell stories about caring, about how to relate to it-- as though I can control for such a thing. It appears I can't. And thank god I can't, you know? I mean, really.Just some thoughts..here, now..today.kind regards,terry> > > >

> > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > I invited two of my office co-workers to lunch with me today.ÂÂ> > > > > > Working part-time, I don't usually take a lunch, but I did tell some> > > > of the> > > > > > other women I would be interested in going with them when they go out> > > > - but> > > > > > no one took me up on that. So I took the initiative and asked them -> > > > > > bribied them, in fact, because I have a gift card for a local> > > > > > restaurant. I wonder if they would have accepted otherwise? (> > > > > > That's my mind telling me "they really don't like ME

" ) I am old> > > > > > enough to be their mother, but they seem to enjoy talking with me in> > > > the> > > > > > office and we follow American Idol and other TV shows together.> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > I'm going to enjoy it!> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > Helena> > > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > > --> > > > > Barbara White, MFT> > > > > Marriage and Family

Therapist> > > > > > > > > > barbarawhitetherapy.com> > > > >> > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > > > > > -- > > > Barbara White, MFT> > > Marriage and Family Therapist> > > > > > barbarawhitetherapy.com> > >> >>