Re: Lunch (connection with others)/ What others think of me matters sometimes

[Guest guest]

Thanks Halina and everyone for the discussion, i learned more about this matter

then I had known in my lifetime. iT will make life easier for me.

Lin

[Guest guest]

My mind is valuable to me because it assesses events around me, tosses in memories of past lessons, and projects potential outcomes. It is a problem-solving prediction machine. Judgments are part of the output. It would be silly of me to break my machine by insisting it perform in some other way. It would also be silly of me to fuse with the output or mistake it for reality.It is nice to converse with folks who have such a good handle on this concept....D

I have incredibly judgemental thoughts about other people. I don't mean to, but they just happen.

I have had some sort of judgmental thought about everyone who posts on this forum, I'm pretty sure.

Uncomfortable, isn't it!!!

I entirely expect people to have had some judgemental thoughts about me too. Maybe as you read this.

Lesson 1 of ACT is that we can't change or control our thoughts. Neither can other people when they are thinking of you. It is obviously also true that we can't control each other's thoughts!!!!

It is something we have to live with.

x

To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Saturday, 11 February 2012, 10:10Subject: Re: Re: Lunch (connection with others)/ What others think of me matters sometimes

Here's my take on it ... "What other people think of me is none of my business" is not a one-size-fits-all statement. It doesn't fit a married couple, for example, nor employee/boss. If it fits at all, it would be applicable for those outside your social frame of reference - strangers or passing acquaintances - perhaps casual friends, but not close friends.

We do care what others think of us (most of us, most of the time) but that doesn't necessarily make it our business. Caring does not mean we have to like or agree with what others think of us, or even think it's important. It's kind of like acceptance - just allow other people's opinions of you to just be there - make room for them, but don't necessarily like them or buy into them. Their opinions, in many cases, really are none of your business as you go about living your life according to your values. When I said, "It doesn't really matter if they like me or not" I didn't mean that I didn't care - just that it wasn't of importance as a factor in my living my life.

Helena

From: "theresa linder" <theresa.linderymail>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, February 10, 2012 8:15:56 PMSubject: Re: Lunch (connection with others)/ What others think of me matters sometimes

Some random thoughts re: this part of the thread, about the saying: "What other people think of me is none of my business". This attending to what others think remains something of a painful tripping point in my life although with ACT practice, much less so, thank goodness. Held loosely of course we move toward not being jerked around by what others say. The goal after all is to listen more to our inner gut, our heart our experience and less to all the noise that is generated by our minds, by language. And as some of us noted here too, we also find feedback from others valuable, even critical if you're anything like me. But after years in therapy and lots of time and money spent on trying to not care about caring, and leaning heavily on sayings like this in an effort to control my caring too much, I am so grateful today to say I absolutely care what other people think of me! And..and sayings like this make a lot more sense today as I

hold them lightly as an opportunity to let go some and trust my inner experience more.And the answer today to caring too much about what others think is not "don't care what others think of me". Caring too much and the suffering around that is in ACT terms more about not accepting caring for what it is. The suffering begins to enter when I start adding or subtracting to the caring, such as what Barbara (i think) was alluding to with the mention of fantasies emanating from mind. Caring too much about what other people think of me creates suffering when it becomes over time more and more about a made up story, about fusion with the made up story. About things I can't control one iota. Events that may or may not have happened, will happen. The suffering enters when caring becomes more than in the moment caring, when I'm not listening carefully, willingly to the content of your opinion, your thoughts, my thoughts and instead begin to

tell stories about caring, about how to relate to it-- as though I can control for such a thing. It appears I can't. And thank god I can't, you know? I mean, really.Just some thoughts..here, now..today.kind regards,terry> > > >

> > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > I invited two of my office co-workers to lunch with me today.ÂÂ> > > > > > Working part-time, I don't usually take a lunch, but I did tell some> > > > of the> > > > > > other women I would be interested in going with them when they go out> > > > - but> > > > > > no one took me up on that. So I took the initiative and asked them -> > > > > > bribied them, in fact, because I have a gift card for a local> > > > > > restaurant. I wonder if they would have accepted otherwise? (> > > > > > That's my mind telling me "they really don't like ME

" ) I am old> > > > > > enough to be their mother, but they seem to enjoy talking with me in> > > > the> > > > > > office and we follow American Idol and other TV shows together.> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > I'm going to enjoy it!> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > Helena> > > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > > --> > > > > Barbara White, MFT> > > > > Marriage and Family

Therapist> > > > > > > > > > barbarawhitetherapy.com> > > > >> > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > > > > > -- > > > Barbara White, MFT> > > Marriage and Family Therapist> > > > > > barbarawhitetherapy.com> > >> >>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lin,

I'm glad I started this thread, then - since it has been helpful for you. What we learn from each other here is so valuable. Knowing that we are ALL connected in so many ways is comforting. I am not alone.

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, February 11, 2012 8:43:25 AMSubject: Re: Lunch (connection with others)/ What others think of me matters sometimes

Thanks Halina and everyone for the discussion, i learned more about this matter then I had known in my lifetime. iT will make life easier for me. Lin

[Guest guest]

So true!

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, February 11, 2012 5:30:47 AMSubject: Re: Re: Lunch (connection with others)/ What others think of me matters sometimes

I have incredibly judgemental thoughts about other people. I don't mean to, but they just happen.

I have had some sort of judgmental thought about everyone who posts on this forum, I'm pretty sure.

Uncomfortable, isn't it!!!

I entirely expect people to have had some judgemental thoughts about me too. Maybe as you read this.

Lesson 1 of ACT is that we can't change or control our thoughts. Neither can other people when they are thinking of you. It is obviously also true that we can't control each other's thoughts!!!!

It is something we have to live with.

x

To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Saturday, 11 February 2012, 10:10Subject: Re: Re: Lunch (connection with others)/ What others think of me matters sometimes

Here's my take on it ... "What other people think of me is none of my business" is not a one-size-fits-all statement. It doesn't fit a married couple, for example, nor employee/boss. If it fits at all, it would be applicable for those outside your social frame of reference - strangers or passing acquaintances - perhaps casual friends, but not close friends.

We do care what others think of us (most of us, most of the time) but that doesn't necessarily make it our business. Caring does not mean we have to like or agree with what others think of us, or even think it's important. It's kind of like acceptance - just allow other people's opinions of you to just be there - make room for them, but don't necessarily like them or buy into them. Their opinions, in many cases, really are none of your business as you go about living your life according to your values. When I said, "It doesn't really matter if they like me or not" I didn't mean that I didn't care - just that it wasn't of importance as a factor in my living my life.

Helena

From: "theresa linder" <theresa.linderymail>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, February 10, 2012 8:15:56 PMSubject: Re: Lunch (connection with others)/ What others think of me matters sometimes

Some random thoughts re: this part of the thread, about the saying: "What other people think of me is none of my business". This attending to what others think remains something of a painful tripping point in my life although with ACT practice, much less so, thank goodness. Held loosely of course we move toward not being jerked around by what others say. The goal after all is to listen more to our inner gut, our heart our experience and less to all the noise that is generated by our minds, by language. And as some of us noted here too, we also find feedback from others valuable, even critical if you're anything like me. But after years in therapy and lots of time and money spent on trying to not care about caring, and leaning heavily on sayings like this in an effort to control my caring too much, I am so grateful today to say I absolutely care what other people think of me! And..and sayings like this make a lot more sense today as I hold them lightly as an opportunity to let go some and trust my inner experience more.And the answer today to caring too much about what others think is not "don't care what others think of me". Caring too much and the suffering around that is in ACT terms more about not accepting caring for what it is. The suffering begins to enter when I start adding or subtracting to the caring, such as what Barbara (i think) was alluding to with the mention of fantasies emanating from mind. Caring too much about what other people think of me creates suffering when it becomes over time more and more about a made up story, about fusion with the made up story. About things I can't control one iota. Events that may or may not have happened, will happen. The suffering enters when caring becomes more than in the moment caring, when I'm not listening carefully, willingly to the content of your opinion, your thoughts, my thoughts and instead begin to tell stories about caring, about how to relate to it-- as though I can control for such a thing. It appears I can't. And thank god I can't, you know? I mean, really.Just some thoughts..here, now..today.kind regards,terry> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > I invited two of my office co-workers to lunch with me today.ÂÂ> > > > > > Working part-time, I don't usually take a lunch, but I did tell some> > > > of the> > > > > > other women I would be interested in going with them when they go out> > > > - but> > > > > > no one took me up on that. So I took the initiative and asked them -> > > > > > bribied them, in fact, because I have a gift card for a local> > > > > > restaurant. I wonder if they would have accepted otherwise? (> > > > > > That's my mind telling me "they really don't like ME " ) I am old> > > > > > enough to be their mother, but they seem to enjoy talking with me in> > > > the> > > > > > office and we follow American Idol and other TV shows together.> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > I'm going to enjoy it!> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > Helena> > > > > > > >> > > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > > --> > > > > Barbara White, MFT> > > > > Marriage and Family Therapist> > > > > > > > > > barbarawhitetherapy.com> > > > >> > > >> > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > > > > > -- > > > Barbara White, MFT> > > Marriage and Family Therapist> > > > > > barbarawhitetherapy.com> > >> >>

[Guest guest]

Interesting. For me today since I've been involved with ACT and surrendering,

it's more like: " What other people think of me is very much so my business, in a

really, really good way. " I give benefit of the doubt and take in everything,

it's all my business, including from strangers or casual acquaintances. Until

proven wrong, I will listen to you. I am paying attention today because what I

see now is i know very little. Oh, how we think we know what we know. And that

is something new for me, this giving the benefit of doubt. Scary at times, not

familiar. Still a struggle. Mind wants to be right, have it all figured out.

But until and unless I see that your thoughts don't resonate with my values and

goals, until I see it's no longer benefiting me, and sometimes it does turn out

this is true--what you think about me IS welcome. And here's the thing--I don't

know until I listen without judgment, without running. So why wouldn't I?

Because my ego doesn't want to be hurt? Too bad, ego, too bad mind. You'll have

to take it. I have a life to live here as a citizen of this community, this

world, it really matters to hear from varying vantage points as to how my

behavior is working for all of us. Full on. Yes it's about acceptance and it's

about willingness and it's about perspective taking. And it's about living a

life with you, hand in hand.

kind regards,

terry

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > I invited two of my office co-workers to lunch with me

today.ÂÂ

> > > > > > > Working part-time, I don't usually take a lunch, but I did tell

some

> > > > > of the

> > > > > > > other women I would be interested in going with them when they go

out

> > > > > - but

> > > > > > > no one took me up on that. So I took the initiative and

asked them -

> > > > > > > bribied them, in fact, because I have a gift card for a local

> > > > > > > restaurant. I wonder if they would have accepted

otherwise? (

> > > > > > > That's my mindà ‚ telling me " they really don't like ME "

) I am old

> > > > > > > enough to be their mother, but they seem to enjoy talking with me

in

> > > > > the

> > > > > > > office and we follow American Idol and other TV shows together.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > I'm going to enjoy it!

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > Helena

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > --

> > > > > > Barbara White, MFT

> > > > > > Marriage and Family Therapist

> > > > > >

> > > > > > barbarawhitetherapy .com

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > --

> > > > Barbara White, MFT

> > > > Marriage and Family Therapist

> > > >

> > > > barbarawhitetherapy .com

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh and not to confuse, but what's also true is i don't give a hoot what your

mind or my mind thinks of me--in the sense or to the degree it's only mindy

judgments, story telling, real or imagined.

As some of you may know, I have a bit of a " holding on " problem which recently

materialized as in stuff, clutter. Hoarding disorder or whatever they call it

these days. I was so full of fused embarrassment that I was keeping my blinds

closed. Mind worried: neighbors may be able to see some of the clutter, maybe

they judge, maybe they don't give a hoot, too busy to care or notice. Turns out

this in itself, this hiding out and fusion with what will they think is a huge

part of my problem in general. And today the blinds are open. There is mild

embarrassment and that's okay too. In fact, today it's very useful to be with

the embarrassment and notice I'm still here, same as I was yesterday. Go figure.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > I invited two of my office co-workers to lunch with me

today.ÂÂ

> > > > > > > > Working part-time, I don't usually take a lunch, but I did tell

some

> > > > > > of the

> > > > > > > > other women I would be interested in going with them when they

go out

> > > > > > - but

> > > > > > > > no one took me up on that. So I took the initiative and

asked them -

> > > > > > > > bribied them, in fact, because I have a gift card for a local

> > > > > > > > restaurant. I wonder if they would have accepted

otherwise? (

> > > > > > > > That's my mindà ‚ telling me " they really don't like ME "

) I am old

> > > > > > > > enough to be their mother, but they seem to enjoy talking with

me in

> > > > > > the

> > > > > > > > office and we follow American Idol and other TV shows together.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > I'm going to enjoy it!

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Helena

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > --

> > > > > > > Barbara White, MFT

> > > > > > > Marriage and Family Therapist

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > barbarawhitetherapy .com

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > --

> > > > > Barbara White, MFT

> > > > > Marriage and Family Therapist

> > > > >

> > > > > barbarawhitetherapy .com

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Barbara,

When you get a breather, would you share some about your experience with ACT and

maybe a few things you're working on? I find myself weighing words with you a

bit, not really knowing how far along you are with the practice here. If you've

already done so and I missed it, apologies in advance! And if you prefer to send

me a note back channel, that's okay too.

thanks much,

terry

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > I invited two of my office co-workers to lunch with me

> > today.ÂÂ

> > > > > > > > Working part-time, I don't usually take a lunch, but I did

> > tell some

> > > > > > of the

> > > > > > > > other women I would be interested in going with them when they

> > go out

> > > > > > - but

> > > > > > > > no one took me up on that. So I took the initiative and

> > asked them -

> > > > > > > > bribied them, in fact, because I have a gift card for a local

> > > > > > > > restaurant. I wonder if they would have accepted

> > otherwise? (

> > > > > > > > That's my mind telling me " they really don't like ME " )ÂÂ

> > I am old

> > > > > > > > enough to be their mother, but they seem to enjoy talking with

> > me in

> > > > > > the

> > > > > > > > office and we follow American Idol and other TV shows together.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > I'm going to enjoy it!

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Helena

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > --

> > > > > > > Barbara White, MFT

> > > > > > > Marriage and Family Therapist

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > barbarawhitetherapy.com

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > --

> > > > > Barbara White, MFT

> > > > > Marriage and Family Therapist

> > > > >

> > > > > barbarawhitetherapy.com

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

> --

> Barbara White, MFT

> Marriage and Family Therapist

>

> barbarawhitetherapy.com

>

[Guest guest]

I think there is some (indirect) control of thoughts going on when we

communicate with one another. There can't not be some of that. But pretty hard

or impossible to nail down and more to the point of ACT, fairly fruitless to try

to do so. I have a hard enough time controlling that which I have direct

control over!

Judgmental thoughts all the time for sure. It's waaay too comfortable there in

mindy judgmental land, land of taking a position. And the more they get

recognized, and loosened, the better off you and I are.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > I invited two of my office co-workers to lunch with me

today.ÂÂ

> > > > > > > Working part-time, I don't usually take a lunch, but I did tell

some

> > > > > of the

> > > > > > > other women I would be interested in going with them when they go

out

> > > > > - but

> > > > > > > no one took me up on that. So I took the initiative and

asked them -

> > > > > > > bribied them, in fact, because I have a gift card for a local

> > > > > > > restaurant. I wonder if they would have accepted

otherwise? (

> > > > > > > That's my mind telling me " they really don't like ME "

) I am old

> > > > > > > enough to be their mother, but they seem to enjoy talking with me

in

> > > > > the

> > > > > > > office and we follow American Idol and other TV shows together.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > I'm going to enjoy it!

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > Helena

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > --

> > > > > > Barbara White, MFT

> > > > > > Marriage and Family Therapist

> > > > > >

> > > > > > barbarawhitetherapy.com

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > --

> > > > Barbara White, MFT

> > > > Marriage and Family Therapist

> > > >

> > > > barbarawhitetherapy.com

> > > >

> > >

> >

>