mere 'awareness' of my pain seems painful today.

[Guest guest]

salaamz. I notice myself feeling helpless today. I have gone through my own share of much pain and suffering in the past, & have felt that i have learnt from those expereinces & grown from them. There is NOTHING in my past that i wish i didn't have to go through, as Had i not gone through whatever i did all those years, i would not have known and appreciatiated the essence of being 'alive' being 'awake', and the virtues of gratitude. throughout my journey, everytime i have stumbled, i have streach my hand out for support, and the hand that grabs it and lifts it up, has been my own. Today unfortunately that other hand is not there to lift me, as that too streaches out . I can't remember the last time tears rolled down my eyes, perhaps that time when someone almost run over me and my little boyz at a parking lot, yelling and cusing at us. that was 3 years back. I can't stop the tears today. I guess it helps purify the heart as it clenses it from any grudge/despair/resentment one could have aganist the person who has wronged us. Last night was a tough 'moment' for me, it seemed like it stretched to infinity. I expereinced moments of clinging and moments of awarenessing all that i was clinging on to, but i must admit these tears r a proof of the sadness i 'feel' rather than 'notice'. I know i am at a much better place right now, had i have gone trhough what i did yesterday last year, i would be shattered & unmendable. But someone i respected greatly has let me down. They have put me, or more accurately it has 'FELT LIKE' they have put me in my place, belittled me, questioned my sincerely towards others, my values, pointed out all my flaws (which include poor writing skills, difficulty expressing myself in words). I am sure NONE of these were intentional, & perhaps becoz of difference in culture i surely MUST BE taking it more personallly than i should, but their words came across as very hurtful indeed. While i have overlooked that in the past, this time it has made a scar so deep, i can't simply brush it off. i know i will be back to 'normal' soon, even if that 'normal' means simply noticing howmuch i am indirectly beeating myself up over anothers behaviour towards me. elenor says "no one can insult u without ur permission'. that has been tthe most beautiful words for me lately. What function do 'those' words have on me, is solely my decision to make. Feeling hurt is a normal 'reaction', but that moment was a moment of the past, these r moments for 'action', no need to drag those 'reactions' any further, i guess i have not fully accepted that i have a choice here. Before, All my painful moments of the past would streatech out to years of suffering becoz i have always been trying to 'recover'. what's there to recover from, i don' t know. I now realize 'healing' is what is esseicallly required- coming to terms with things AS THEY R., seems much simpler & easier, it's a huge burden off my shoulder as i am not being expected to do anything more than what is already there to be done, YET it is admittidly the toughest thing to do, healing, a blessing 'in disguise' no doubt. There is always something to learn from every expereince i do believe that, if we can only open ourslves up to the 'learning'. Today i have learnt that perhahps it is OK for me to reach out, to open up. I struggle with that, as i have always been the shoulder to cry on. The thought that i can't possibly burden anyone else with my 'rpoblem', i can't confide in those who confide in me as that will be very selfish of me, all those 'beliefs' have always left me alone at times when probably just a listening ear is all i needed. JAZAKALLAH KHAIR (thank you:-) for being that listening ear for me today. wasalaam.K Designs.