New Member - Need Help - Don't know what to do about 85 Year Old Mom with BPD

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last night. I am

still in shock over finding a book that described what life has been

like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I have been

rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another horrible

episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason) and I

have been seriously considering not having any further contact with

her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days later, I am

having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her in my

life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that if she

was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt of

cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at work today,

but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what to do

next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that has

reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have with

others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and friends

that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation. She has

macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been responsible for

all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household matters, etc.

My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't spoken in 4

years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm sorry, I'm

usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

[Guest guest]

Hi Tagimit,

Oh yes, I really do understand how you feel, maybe it will help you a

bit to know my story.

Here it is in a nutshell:

My nada is almost 81, never officially diagnosed with BPD. I could

deal with her reasonably well, as long as I did not have to see her

every day. I was responsible for her and my sister from the age of 14

(am now 52) when my father left us.

Well, about 5 months ago she was taken to hospital with heart

problems so I had to visit her every single day. There is no one

else, my younger sis died last year, so that leaves just me and my

husband... Anyway, after three weeks we could take her home. When we

wanted to leave she started yelling " not very nice things " at me, so

we left. I told her that this time I more than likely would NOT come

back anymore. I was literally shaking inside, my stomach in a knot,

and sort of gasping. Needless to say I also could not sleep anymore.

So i went to see my doctor. After hearing my story she said " I am no

expert, but this does sound like borderline to me. Your mum is too

old for therapy, but you should seek professional help. I am amazed

you coped for so long without having a breakdown! " Then she gave me

pills: antidepressants, tranquilizers, sleeping pills plus the name

of a therapist. When I got home I was SO relieved: finally a label,

finally not my fault, finally not me being mad. So no pills for me, I

felt so much better!

Now I am seeing this therapist, and thank heaven she reacted the

same way my doctor did. Both told me that it probably was best for me

not to see my mother, at least for a while. First I have to find out

if i ever want to/will be able to see her again. I have begun reading

up on the subject, " Understanding the Borderline Mother " was very

helpful to me. There was so much I recognised, I almost started to

think the author knows me and my mother personally!

I know my mother is finally taken care of (she has daycare now), and

my sweet husband phones her or visits her now and again. But that too

makes me feel guilty... Nobody apart from my husband seems to be able

to fully understand what this has been like for me. They keep saying

things like: But she still is your mother... On the other hand I feel

very relieved, I feel like I am getting my life back, bit by bit.

After 5 months NC I do feel better: I dont have a knot in my stomach

all the time, I can breath freely (literally) and I sleep reasonably

well. I do not know how I have to go on from this point, I simply try

to take one day at the time. But on the whole I do feel a lot better

being NC. I dont even feel as guilty as i used to. I think it helped

me a lot that both my doctor and my therapist sort of made it " legal "

for me not to see her. If that will ever change, who knows..?

I hope that my story helps you a bit, at least you'll know you are

not the only one. I wish you a lot of strength to cope with this.

Tina

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last night. I am

> still in shock over finding a book that described what life has

been

> like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I have been

> rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another horrible

> episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason) and I

> have been seriously considering not having any further contact with

> her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days later, I am

> having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her in my

> life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that if she

> was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt of

> cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at work

today,

> but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what to do

> next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that has

> reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have with

> others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and friends

> that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation. She has

> macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been responsible for

> all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household matters, etc.

> My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't spoken in 4

> years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm sorry,

I'm

> usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

>

[Guest guest]

Tina -- I know you don't need me to tell you this, but you are SO

FORTUNATE that you had not one but TWO doctors who knew about

Borderline and gave you the help and support you desperately needed!

So many health professionals don't know about it -- an angel was on

your shoulder when you walked into their offices!

Glad you finally had enough of your mother's abuse and walked out. I

don't blame you!

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Hello,

It is a difficult situation when the BP is elderly and/or ill, and

unable to care for themselves.

It will take some work to put things in place. But maybe a daycare

situation like Tina mentioned, or a home health care worker could

take some of the burden from you? Paratransit for doctor's

appointments?

Is your sister in contact with your mother? Since she doesn't see

the bad side of your mother, and believes you steal from her, why

isn't she more involved with the doctor's visits, banking, household

management and etc.?

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last night. I am

> still in shock over finding a book that described what life has

been

> like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I have been

> rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another horrible

> episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason) and I

> have been seriously considering not having any further contact with

> her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days later, I am

> having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her in my

> life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that if she

> was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt of

> cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at work

today,

> but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what to do

> next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that has

> reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have with

> others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and friends

> that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation. She has

> macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been responsible for

> all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household matters, etc.

> My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't spoken in 4

> years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm sorry,

I'm

> usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

>

[Guest guest]

Tina - thank you, thank you.

I have the same physical symptoms that you describe - I truly feel

like I can't get a breath and like I have a knot in my stomach.

Thanks for thinking I " coped this long. " I didn't. I began having

panic attacks at age 18 and have seen a therapist on and off for

years. I took meds for a while because the doc said my nerves were

so shot that I had to give my body a break. I'm now off meds and

just go back to the therapist for a tune up now and then. But - I

didn't call the therapist after this last episode because it seems

so pointless. I know in my heart the answer is to never see my

mother again, but I can't get to a point where I can make it

happen. I keep saying - " how can you desert your 85 year old

mother? " I know I shouldn't worry about what members of my family

think - she's ruined my relationships with them anyway, but I still

worry about the stigma of being the " devil daughter " which is how my

Mom refers to me. Anyway - thank you for your story - I am so

relieved to be in the company of people who understand what I am

going through. Thank you again.

- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " dushi1955 "

wrote:

>

> Hi Tagimit,

>

> Oh yes, I really do understand how you feel, maybe it will help

you a

> bit to know my story.

> Here it is in a nutshell:

> My nada is almost 81, never officially diagnosed with BPD. I could

> deal with her reasonably well, as long as I did not have to see

her

> every day. I was responsible for her and my sister from the age of

14

> (am now 52) when my father left us.

> Well, about 5 months ago she was taken to hospital with heart

> problems so I had to visit her every single day. There is no one

> else, my younger sis died last year, so that leaves just me and my

> husband... Anyway, after three weeks we could take her home. When

we

> wanted to leave she started yelling " not very nice things " at me,

so

> we left. I told her that this time I more than likely would NOT

come

> back anymore. I was literally shaking inside, my stomach in a

knot,

> and sort of gasping. Needless to say I also could not sleep

anymore.

> So i went to see my doctor. After hearing my story she said " I am

no

> expert, but this does sound like borderline to me. Your mum is too

> old for therapy, but you should seek professional help. I am

amazed

> you coped for so long without having a breakdown! " Then she gave

me

> pills: antidepressants, tranquilizers, sleeping pills plus the

name

> of a therapist. When I got home I was SO relieved: finally a

label,

> finally not my fault, finally not me being mad. So no pills for

me, I

> felt so much better!

> Now I am seeing this therapist, and thank heaven she reacted the

> same way my doctor did. Both told me that it probably was best for

me

> not to see my mother, at least for a while. First I have to find

out

> if i ever want to/will be able to see her again. I have begun

reading

> up on the subject, " Understanding the Borderline Mother " was very

> helpful to me. There was so much I recognised, I almost started to

> think the author knows me and my mother personally!

> I know my mother is finally taken care of (she has daycare now),

and

> my sweet husband phones her or visits her now and again. But that

too

> makes me feel guilty... Nobody apart from my husband seems to be

able

> to fully understand what this has been like for me. They keep

saying

> things like: But she still is your mother... On the other hand I

feel

> very relieved, I feel like I am getting my life back, bit by bit.

> After 5 months NC I do feel better: I dont have a knot in my

stomach

> all the time, I can breath freely (literally) and I sleep

reasonably

> well. I do not know how I have to go on from this point, I simply

try

> to take one day at the time. But on the whole I do feel a lot

better

> being NC. I dont even feel as guilty as i used to. I think it

helped

> me a lot that both my doctor and my therapist sort of made

it " legal "

> for me not to see her. If that will ever change, who knows..?

> I hope that my story helps you a bit, at least you'll know you are

> not the only one. I wish you a lot of strength to cope with this.

>

> Tina

>

>

>

>

> >

> > Hi Everyone,

> >

> > I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last night. I

am

> > still in shock over finding a book that described what life has

> been

> > like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I have

been

> > rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another

horrible

> > episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason) and

I

> > have been seriously considering not having any further contact

with

> > her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days later, I

am

> > having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her in my

> > life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that if

she

> > was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt of

> > cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at work

> today,

> > but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what to

do

> > next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that has

> > reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have with

> > others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and

friends

> > that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation. She

has

> > macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been responsible

for

> > all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household matters,

etc.

> > My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't spoken

in 4

> > years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm sorry,

> I'm

> > usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi - I have tried to get people to help to take some of the heat off

of me, but it has turned out horribly (and I mean horribly) each

time. I had a rep from the County's Office of Aging come to her

house to see about having someone else do her banking and bills to

try to protect myself from being accused of stealing. By the time

the woman left, my Mother had acted like Snow White and had the

woman completely bamboozled. I took my Mom to an attorney and

forced her to hire him so she would have a true third party advocate

if she felt she needed someone to oversee her affairs. She wound up

taking my sister to him to make sure I wasn't in cahoots with the

lawyer and taking a cut of the retainer. Amazing. The lawyer

suggested we hire a Geriatric Counselor which I also forced my Mom

to do. Thankfully, the counselor saw the situation I was in and

even said she seemed like she was Borderline, but she couldn't force

my Mom to keep seeing her and my Mom would not pay her fees to use

her for any services.

My sister was estranged from our family for 16 years because she and

Mom also did not get along. My sister said it was because she did

not want her children around my Mom (and Dad). When my sister

reappeared on the scene, she had complete immunity with my Mom - she

can do no wrong now because she actually did walk out on my Mom.

Now, the extent of my sister's involvement is all of the nice things

I wish I could do with my Mom - dinners, birthdays, pleasant phone

chats. The only actual " responsibility " type thing my sister does

is to order groceries that are delivered. So while she gets to tap

a few keys to fill my Mom's fridge, I do everything else. When I

had the blowup this past Saturday with my Mom she said - " I forbid

you to ever bring someone into my house again. " - meaning any kind

of third party social worker, helper, etc.

Thank you for writing - I have a doctor's appt. schd for my Mom

tomorrow for pre-op before a colonoscopy. I have no idea whether to

keep the appointment, or to just let everything go. I really have

tried my best to do the right thing.

Tagimit

> >

> > Hi Everyone,

> >

> > I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last night. I

am

> > still in shock over finding a book that described what life has

> been

> > like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I have

been

> > rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another

horrible

> > episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason) and

I

> > have been seriously considering not having any further contact

with

> > her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days later, I

am

> > having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her in my

> > life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that if

she

> > was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt of

> > cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at work

> today,

> > but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what to

do

> > next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that has

> > reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have with

> > others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and

friends

> > that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation. She

has

> > macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been responsible

for

> > all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household matters,

etc.

> > My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't spoken

in 4

> > years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm sorry,

> I'm

> > usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

And a PS to my earlier post...

My sister is 60 and in poor health. She has ridiculously high blood

pressure and is on experimental meds because they can't figure out

why. She can barely work because of the side effects of the meds.

I should qualify this by saying - my sister has never been much a of

a go getter, she lives in a filthy house and I believe has " hoarding

syndrome " where she never throws anything away. My Mom said she's

always been lazy and that we can't expect her to be able to help.

> >

> > Hi Everyone,

> >

> > I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last night. I

am

> > still in shock over finding a book that described what life has

> been

> > like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I have

been

> > rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another

horrible

> > episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason) and

I

> > have been seriously considering not having any further contact

with

> > her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days later, I

am

> > having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her in my

> > life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that if

she

> > was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt of

> > cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at work

> today,

> > but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what to

do

> > next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that has

> > reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have with

> > others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and

friends

> > that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation. She

has

> > macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been responsible

for

> > all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household matters,

etc.

> > My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't spoken

in 4

> > years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm sorry,

> I'm

> > usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Call her a cab, perhaps?

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone,

> > >

> > > I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last night.

I

> am

> > > still in shock over finding a book that described what life

has

> > been

> > > like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I have

> been

> > > rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another

> horrible

> > > episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason)

and

> I

> > > have been seriously considering not having any further contact

> with

> > > her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days later,

I

> am

> > > having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her in

my

> > > life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that

if

> she

> > > was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt

of

> > > cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at work

> > today,

> > > but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what

to

> do

> > > next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that has

> > > reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have

with

> > > others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and

> friends

> > > that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation. She

> has

> > > macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been responsible

> for

> > > all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household matters,

> etc.

> > > My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't spoken

> in 4

> > > years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm

sorry,

> > I'm

> > > usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Tagimit:

You wrote: " So while she gets to tap a few keys to fill my Mom's

fridge, I do everything else. "

You have a choice, and if you are " doing everything else " , it's

because you have chosen to do it. Letting go is one of the hardest

concepts for us kids of Borderlines to grasp, but you're not a

victim of this unless you willingly go in and do her bidding for

her. Now that you're an adult, YOU get to choose whether or not you

want to endure helping someone whose gratitude is expressed by

abusing you. You have the absolute right NOT to put up with it. If

your mother's financial affairs are a mess, let her know you won't

do a damn thing until she treats you with respect.

If she's mistreating you, you have to draw the line with her -- a

boundary -- and let her know that if she talks to you like that

again (or whatever crap she's dishing out), you will walk out (not

help, etc.) and she is on her own.

I think she knows you're nervous about things falling apart on her

(her finances, etc.) and she USES IT AGAINST YOU. She probably says

to herself " Tagamit will always come around -- all I have to do is

look helpless and like the whole world's going to cave in on me and

she'll come running. "

Draw the line. Stop signing up for all this worry and chaos. You

have choices here. You have rights. You deserve a minimum of

respect. But you have to make it known that you're not going to put

up with her nastiness anymore. Your sister figured that out -- now

it's your turn.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Her accusing you of stealing is your GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY to say " Well,

then I won't handle your affairs anymore. That's a serious accusation

and obviously I'm not the one for that job anymore. " You have to

protect yourself once that accusation is leveled. It's a golden

opportunity on a platter to disengage from the responsibility of it.

You say the " guilt " keeps you going back to an abusive relationship.

Why don't you think of yourself for a change? Why feel guilty at

protecting yourself from abuse? If she's " ruining relationships " ,

then I would cut off her access to that, too. Somewhere along the

way, she has taught you that your emotional well-being doesn't

matter. Well, I'm here to tell you IT DOES. Your guilt seems

terribly misplaced. You should feel guilty for not taking better care

of yourself. You count, too. THis is your life, too.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

Thank you for your response. You don't mince words, do you? It's a

good reality check for me.

Tagimit

" So while she gets to tap a few keys to fill my Mom's

> fridge, I do everything else. "

>

> You have a choice, and if you are " doing everything else " , it's

> because you have chosen to do it. Letting go is one of the

hardest

> concepts for us kids of Borderlines to grasp, but you're not a

> victim of this unless you willingly go in and do her bidding for

> her. Now that you're an adult, YOU get to choose whether or not

you

> want to endure helping someone whose gratitude is expressed by

> abusing you. You have the absolute right NOT to put up with it.

If

> your mother's financial affairs are a mess, let her know you won't

> do a damn thing until she treats you with respect.

>

> If she's mistreating you, you have to draw the line with her -- a

> boundary -- and let her know that if she talks to you like that

> again (or whatever crap she's dishing out), you will walk out (not

> help, etc.) and she is on her own.

>

> I think she knows you're nervous about things falling apart on her

> (her finances, etc.) and she USES IT AGAINST YOU. She probably

says

> to herself " Tagamit will always come around -- all I have to do is

> look helpless and like the whole world's going to cave in on me

and

> she'll come running. "

>

> Draw the line. Stop signing up for all this worry and chaos. You

> have choices here. You have rights. You deserve a minimum of

> respect. But you have to make it known that you're not going to

put

> up with her nastiness anymore. Your sister figured that out --

now

> it's your turn.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Would it be possible to set up direct deposits and bill payments?

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone,

> > >

> > > I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last night.

I

> am

> > > still in shock over finding a book that described what life has

> > been

> > > like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I have

> been

> > > rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another

> horrible

> > > episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason) and

> I

> > > have been seriously considering not having any further contact

> with

> > > her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days later,

I

> am

> > > having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her in

my

> > > life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that if

> she

> > > was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt of

> > > cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at work

> > today,

> > > but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what to

> do

> > > next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that has

> > > reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have

with

> > > others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and

> friends

> > > that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation. She

> has

> > > macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been responsible

> for

> > > all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household matters,

> etc.

> > > My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't spoken

> in 4

> > > years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm

sorry,

> > I'm

> > > usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group! I am glad you found us. My BPD mother is 64, but my BPD

grandmother is 96. I think it is very nice that you have been running your

mother all around for her doctor's appointments and everything else, but if your

mother is anything like mine -- she does not appreciate anything you do or have

done.

Since your BPD mother is in her 80's, I would suggest contacting the local

Social Services (or at least start doing the research online). She must have

Medicare, I am guessing there should be some sort of service in her area that

can help pick her up and transport her to doctor's appointments. You will need

to do the ground work and she will not be receptive when you start having a mind

of your own. There are things such as adult day care, even companions, that are

at a very low cost for seniors in my area (NY State).

Once alternatives are presented to your BPD mother, you can start to remove

yourself from some of her responsibilities. For banking, you could set up

automatic banking for her bills and not have to worry about it. You can suggest

to your mother that your sister can also help out with these matters as well;

after all she has just gotton a (4) year break and should be more than willing

to help her aging mother.

You do not have to feel guilty for wanting to have some time for yourself and

to be appreciated. Good Luck.

tagimit wrote:

Hi Everyone,

I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last night. I am

still in shock over finding a book that described what life has been

like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I have been

rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another horrible

episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason) and I

have been seriously considering not having any further contact with

her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days later, I am

having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her in my

life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that if she

was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt of

cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at work today,

but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what to do

next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that has

reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have with

others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and friends

that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation. She has

macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been responsible for

all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household matters, etc.

My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't spoken in 4

years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm sorry, I'm

usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Thanks for posting - yes - I actually set up auto debit for

everything but one bill. It's really about balancing her checkbook

and going through her mail because she has low vision. I'm getting

lots of good advice and I'm gaining strength from all the

responses. Thank you so much.

Tagimit

> > > >

> > > > Hi Everyone,

> > > >

> > > > I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last

night.

> I

> > am

> > > > still in shock over finding a book that described what life

has

> > > been

> > > > like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I

have

> > been

> > > > rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another

> > horrible

> > > > episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason)

and

> > I

> > > > have been seriously considering not having any further

contact

> > with

> > > > her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days

later,

> I

> > am

> > > > having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her

in

> my

> > > > life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that

if

> > she

> > > > was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt

of

> > > > cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at

work

> > > today,

> > > > but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what

to

> > do

> > > > next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that

has

> > > > reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have

> with

> > > > others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and

> > friends

> > > > that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation.

She

> > has

> > > > macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been

responsible

> > for

> > > > all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household

matters,

> > etc.

> > > > My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't

spoken

> > in 4

> > > > years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm

> sorry,

> > > I'm

> > > > usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

No -- and it has gotten me into trouble more than once! I don't

mean any of it unkindly -- so, I hope I didn't offend. Hopefully

you'll take my 2 cents' worth in the spirit it was intended: to

give you some straight talk so you'll get stronger and take back

your life!

I've seen it in my own life: the elderly person gets to abuse

everybody and nobody calls her on it because she realizes she can

use her elderly status as a way to elicit sympathy from people. My

grandmother worked my mother to death, and it didn't bother

grandmother a bit. I always thought that was just wrong -- that

people are people and whether they're 85 or 45, they should give a

minimum of respect to other human beings.

It takes a strong person to stand up to an 85 year old bully -- but

if you can, you might just teach her an overdue lesson, and

strengthen your backbone in the process. No one is saying you have

to be rude -- all of your " boundary " messages can be given politely

and calmly. No confrontation, just a clear statement of what you'll

put up with and what you won't.

Again, I hope I didn't offend. I tend to type quickly and with

great passion! My deepest hope when I send those types of messages

is to urge someone to take good care of themselves in the world. I

want to see you in a better place.

{hugs}

Kyla

[Guest guest]

Kyla: For what it's worth: Though your message wasn't intended for

me, I found your straight forward style very helpful for putting my

own situation in perspective.

>

> No -- and it has gotten me into trouble more than once! I don't

> mean any of it unkindly -- so, I hope I didn't offend. Hopefully

> you'll take my 2 cents' worth in the spirit it was intended: to

> give you some straight talk so you'll get stronger and take back

> your life!

>

> I've seen it in my own life: the elderly person gets to abuse

> everybody and nobody calls her on it because she realizes she can

> use her elderly status as a way to elicit sympathy from people. My

> grandmother worked my mother to death, and it didn't bother

> grandmother a bit. I always thought that was just wrong -- that

> people are people and whether they're 85 or 45, they should give a

> minimum of respect to other human beings.

>

> It takes a strong person to stand up to an 85 year old bully -- but

> if you can, you might just teach her an overdue lesson, and

> strengthen your backbone in the process. No one is saying you have

> to be rude -- all of your " boundary " messages can be given politely

> and calmly. No confrontation, just a clear statement of what

you'll

> put up with and what you won't.

>

> Again, I hope I didn't offend. I tend to type quickly and with

> great passion! My deepest hope when I send those types of messages

> is to urge someone to take good care of themselves in the world. I

> want to see you in a better place.

>

> {hugs}

> Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

I think we can call that " collateral damage " -- LOL!

So glad to hear it -- thank you for telling me that.

-Kyla

>

> Kyla: For what it's worth: Though your message wasn't intended for

> me, I found your straight forward style very helpful for putting my

> own situation in perspective.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Kyla!

Yes I know I really was very fortunate, especially since the disorder is

even less known here in my country (Netherlands). That is also why I

was so glad to find this group, there is no such thing around here, and

it is such a big help!

Tina

>

> Tina -- I know you don't need me to tell you this, but you are SO

> FORTUNATE that you had not one but TWO doctors who knew about

> Borderline and gave you the help and support you desperately needed!

> So many health professionals don't know about it -- an angel was on

> your shoulder when you walked into their offices!

>

> Glad you finally had enough of your mother's abuse and walked out. I

> don't blame you!

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Tagimit

Glad I maybe made you feel a little less alone. But I disagree about

you " not coping " , to me it seems that you did, you did continue to be in

contact with your nada, didnt you? So in my view you deserve credit for

that!

I know it is no use to tell you not to feel guilty (dont we all feel

guilty?), but please consider this: it IS your life, you do have the

right to enjoy that. And it is NOT too late to start enjoying it now!

I understand your problem with family and probably with friends too. It

is the same for me, I do not know how to solve that. But I do know that

more than likely a few people will understand, or maybe even accept your

decision without really understanding - just accepting it because you

are their relative or friend. Please consider your alternative: going on

feeling awful, not living YOUR life but your nada's, having physical

problems etc. It will be difficult, but maybe you will get more support

than you can imagine right now. And dont forget that at least we will be

here to support you. Good luck !

Tina

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone,

> > >

> > > I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last night. I

> am

> > > still in shock over finding a book that described what life has

> > been

> > > like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I have

> been

> > > rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another

> horrible

> > > episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason) and

> I

> > > have been seriously considering not having any further contact

> with

> > > her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days later, I

> am

> > > having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her in my

> > > life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that if

> she

> > > was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt of

> > > cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at work

> > today,

> > > but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what to

> do

> > > next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that has

> > > reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have with

> > > others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and

> friends

> > > that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation. She

> has

> > > macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been responsible

> for

> > > all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household matters,

> etc.

> > > My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't spoken

> in 4

> > > years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm sorry,

> > I'm

> > > usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I wish I could give you a big hug, and I am not a touchy feely person. My nada

is nearly 84, I am 60 and while she has been reasonably behaved recently I am

waiting for a blow out. And whenever her health takes a dip, I drop my life and

go on the chain gang until the crisis has passed. And then I get ill.

Right now I d say you need to protect yourself. Pull back in every way you can,

many good suggestions here, and get all the love and support you can find to put

back into your life. Get therapy, learn to say no, let the system take over, let

your sister take over. You cannot save her or make her better. You are wonderful

for caring so much. But she is not worth your life. As my former therapist said,

behave as if she were the loving mother she would be if healthy, and care for

yourself. Because you will get ill, that happens so often when you wear yourself

out for something that cant be helped.

God having the whole system against you, even when they dont know know what is

happening, is dreadful. Easy to say it doesnt matter what others think, but all

that negavitity is crushing.

Just know there is a whole community who understands and we are beaming warm

loving thoughts to you.

Beverley

tagimit wrote: Hi Everyone,

I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last night. I am

still in shock over finding a book that described what life has been

like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I have been

rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another horrible

episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason) and I

have been seriously considering not having any further contact with

her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days later, I am

having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her in my

life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that if she

was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt of

cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at work today,

but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what to do

next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that has

reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have with

others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and friends

that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation. She has

macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been responsible for

all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household matters, etc.

My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't spoken in 4

years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm sorry, I'm

usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Hi Tagimit and Tina,

Wow! I am currently going through the starting the NC. It has been about a

week, and I was just telling a close friend the other day, that I feel better

already. That knot in my stomach is not so big, and I feel like I can breathe.

On the other hand, I feel so guilty for feeling this way, I mean, this is my

mother I am talking about. My family has bombarded me with calls this week, and

yes, I keep hearing the same line, " But she is still your mother " It is so

hard, every time my phone rings, I stop breathing thinking its either my family

or my mom.

I will be seeing a therapist for the first time next week. I am hoping he can

help me, so I am not so scared and stop feeling so guilty. I bought the book

" Stop walking on egg shells " about 2 weeks ago, and still have not finished it.

It is hard for me to read for some reason. So I have to keep putting the book

down. I don't know if that is good or not.

It is so great to read of other people feeling the same thing as me. I mean,

it's horrible that any of us have to go through this at all, but really nice to

have people to share it with.

Karla

Re: New Member - Need Help - Don't know what to do

about 85 Year Old Mom with BPD

Dear Tagimit

Glad I maybe made you feel a little less alone.. But I disagree about

you " not coping " , to me it seems that you did, you did continue to be in

contact with your nada, didnt you? So in my view you deserve credit for

that!

I know it is no use to tell you not to feel guilty (dont we all feel

guilty?), but please consider this: it IS your life, you do have the

right to enjoy that. And it is NOT too late to start enjoying it now!

I understand your problem with family and probably with friends too. It

is the same for me, I do not know how to solve that. But I do know that

more than likely a few people will understand, or maybe even accept your

decision without really understanding - just accepting it because you

are their relative or friend. Please consider your alternative: going on

feeling awful, not living YOUR life but your nada's, having physical

problems etc. It will be difficult, but maybe you will get more support

than you can imagine right now. And dont forget that at least we will be

here to support you. Good luck !

Tina

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone,

> > >

> > > I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last night. I

> am

> > > still in shock over finding a book that described what life has

> > been

> > > like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I have

> been

> > > rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another

> horrible

> > > episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason) and

> I

> > > have been seriously considering not having any further contact

> with

> > > her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days later, I

> am

> > > having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her in my

> > > life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that if

> she

> > > was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt of

> > > cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at work

> > today,

> > > but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what to

> do

> > > next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that has

> > > reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have with

> > > others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and

> friends

> > > that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation. She

> has

> > > macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been responsible

> for

> > > all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household matters,

> etc.

> > > My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't spoken

> in 4

> > > years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm sorry,

> > I'm

> > > usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

> > >

> >

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Be a better friend, newshound, and

know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

[Guest guest]

Hi Karla,

Thanks for writing. We are going to make it through this. I know

it's not going to be easy, but I am so determined this time. Maybe

you are at that point also. Therapy really helped me with the panic

attacks I had as a result of my Mom's illness. Make sure the

therapist is the right one for you. I saw two before I felt like I

found the right one who truly understood.

I can relate to how you feel when the phone rings. I have stopped

breathing every time my phone rang today also. I had a 1:15

doctor's appointment for my Mom at a gastro doc today. I made it

before we had our big blow up this past Saturday. I asked my Mom to

call and let me know what to do about the appointment. I never

heard from her, so the appointment time came and went. I know she

thought I would eventually call. I'll be honest - it was

excruciating waiting until the 1:15 time had passed. Every time

before this, I would have caved in and begged her to keep the

appointment and let me take her. Then I would have been trapped in

the car as she screamed and called me names. Today I made a

committment to myself not to do it. I did not call her and I went

out to lunch with 3 girlfriends so I was not just sitting looking at

the clock and thinking " but she's your mother. " I don't know

whether my sister stepped up to plate and took her to the

appointment. I doubt it.

My Mom told me from a very young age that I had the best mother in

the world. Over and over and over. When you're told this, it makes

it even harder to separate. She's the best mother in the world -

what's wrong with me?

She said no one would ever have cared for me like her. I had

allergies as a child (nothing serious), but she said it was horrible

trying to keep me well and that if it hadn't been for her, I would

have died. She also told me having children had ruined her life.

She and my Dad had a very volatile marriage and she told me that if

only I had been a boy, I could have protected her from my Dad. If I

left the house when they fought, she called me the rat that jumps

off the sinking ship. It's funny (kind of) I thought of that today

when I was eating lunch in a Chinese restaurant. It's the Chinese

New Year, and - guess what? It's the Year of the Rat. It's

bittersweet, but it made me laugh. We have to, right?

Tag

> > > >

> > > > Hi Everyone,

> > > >

> > > > I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last

night. I

> > am

> > > > still in shock over finding a book that described what life

has

> > > been

> > > > like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I have

> > been

> > > > rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another

> > horrible

> > > > episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason)

and

> > I

> > > > have been seriously considering not having any further

contact

> > with

> > > > her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days

later, I

> > am

> > > > having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her

in my

> > > > life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that

if

> > she

> > > > was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt

of

> > > > cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at work

> > > today,

> > > > but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what

to

> > do

> > > > next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that has

> > > > reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have

with

> > > > others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and

> > friends

> > > > that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation. She

> > has

> > > > macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been responsible

> > for

> > > > all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household matters,

> > etc.

> > > > My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't

spoken

> > in 4

> > > > years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm

sorry,

> > > I'm

> > > > usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_______________

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

No offense taken. I appreciate your straight forward approach. You

are absolutely correct - an 85 year old bully is still a bully. I

am making my way through another day of NC. Painful, but completely

necessary.

Thanks!

Tag

>

> No -- and it has gotten me into trouble more than once! I don't

> mean any of it unkindly -- so, I hope I didn't offend. Hopefully

> you'll take my 2 cents' worth in the spirit it was intended: to

> give you some straight talk so you'll get stronger and take back

> your life!

>

> I've seen it in my own life: the elderly person gets to abuse

> everybody and nobody calls her on it because she realizes she can

> use her elderly status as a way to elicit sympathy from people.

My

> grandmother worked my mother to death, and it didn't bother

> grandmother a bit. I always thought that was just wrong -- that

> people are people and whether they're 85 or 45, they should give a

> minimum of respect to other human beings.

>

> It takes a strong person to stand up to an 85 year old bully --

but

> if you can, you might just teach her an overdue lesson, and

> strengthen your backbone in the process. No one is saying you

have

> to be rude -- all of your " boundary " messages can be given

politely

> and calmly. No confrontation, just a clear statement of what

you'll

> put up with and what you won't.

>

> Again, I hope I didn't offend. I tend to type quickly and with

> great passion! My deepest hope when I send those types of

messages

> is to urge someone to take good care of themselves in the world.

I

> want to see you in a better place.

>

> {hugs}

> Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Karla, sounds to me like you are doing it the right way. And I am

sure you will start feeling better each day. I have not read " Stop

walking on eggshells " so I can not say anything about that. instead I

read " Understanding the Borderline mother " , and I was really amazed ,

there were so many things I recognised I almost felt like the author

knew me and my nada! Maybe you could give that a try? It really helped

me to see in writing that I was not the crazy one, so that might work

for you too.

Tina

> > > >

> > > > Hi Everyone,

> > > >

> > > > I just finished reading Stop Walking On Eggshells last night. I

> > am

> > > > still in shock over finding a book that described what life has

> > > been

> > > > like with my Mom. I am 45, she is 85. Over the years I have

> > been

> > > > rejected and sucked back into her rages. We had another

> > horrible

> > > > episode on Saturday (started out of no where for no reason) and

> > I

> > > > have been seriously considering not having any further contact

> > with

> > > > her because it is ripping me apart. Now - several days later, I

> > am

> > > > having second thoughts and want to keep trying to have her in my

> > > > life. I hope I can be competely honest here when I say that if

> > she

> > > > was younger, I would never speak to her again, but the guilt of

> > > > cutting off my 85 year old Mom is overwhelming. I am at work

> > > today,

> > > > but I am completely preoccupied by trying to figure out what to

> > do

> > > > next. Has anyone been dealing with a parent with BPD that has

> > > > reached this age? She has ruined every relationship I have with

> > > > others in my family and is so resentful of my husband and

> > friends

> > > > that I can't even speak of them in a phone conversation. She

> > has

> > > > macular degeneration (low vision) and I have been responsible

> > for

> > > > all of her doctor's visits, banking, mail, household matters,

> > etc.

> > > > My sister never sees the bad side of my Mom (we haven't spoken

> > in 4

> > > > years because Mom told her I was stealing from her). I'm sorry,

> > > I'm

> > > > usually more articulate, but I am completely fried.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

________________________________________________________________________\

____________

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Karla & Tina --

I, too, didn't " jibe " with Stop Walking on Eggshells as well as other

books -- probably just didn't connect as well with how the subject was

presented or something......But I did skim through it. It's obviously

a groundbreaking work that connected with others, so I'm grateful it's

out there.

Another book that worked better for me was " Surviving the Borderline

Parent " and most definitely, " Understanding the Borderline Mother " --

among several others. Some posters here also loved the

book " Boundaries " by Henry Cloud. I also found " Leaving Home " by

Celani, was helpful. Same for " Bad Childhood, Good Life " .

-Kyla