New Member - Need Help - Don't know what to do about 85 Year Old Mom with BPD

[Guest guest]

Kyla...

I'm working my way through SWOE, but I also just

finished " Surviving the Borderline Parent " . For now,

I found that one much easier to focus on. I think

that's because it specifically dealt with BPD parents

and, thus, all the situations described in it were a

little easier for me to grasp. More direct.

SWOE has been more difficult for me at this point

simply because many of the examples and situations

deal with non-parental relationships. I'm sure as

time goes on and I get more clarity (and sanity, lol!)

I'll be better able to adapt those examples into my

own stuff. But, for now, I'm not at the point where I

can extrapolate at situation between husband and wife

into a situation between me and my mother.

I'm planning on getting " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " next, and I'm thinking that Boundaries book is

a good idea for me, too!

Ninera

--- kylaboo728 wrote:

> Hi Karla & Tina --

>

> I, too, didn't " jibe " with Stop Walking on Eggshells

> as well as other

> books -- probably just didn't connect as well with

> how the subject was

> presented or something......But I did skim through

> it. It's obviously

> a groundbreaking work that connected with others, so

> I'm grateful it's

> out there.

>

> Another book that worked better for me was

> " Surviving the Borderline

> Parent " and most definitely, " Understanding the

> Borderline Mother " --

> among several others. Some posters here also loved

> the

> book " Boundaries " by Henry Cloud. I also found

> " Leaving Home " by

> Celani, was helpful. Same for " Bad Childhood,

> Good Life " .

>

> -Kyla

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for

> help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT

> CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, "

> call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We

> also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother”

> (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,”

> (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome

> to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online

> Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kyla & Karla

Am just reading " Sutviving the Borderline Parent " for the 2nd time,

first time I skipped the exercises because I just was so amazed that

someone actually devoted a BOOK to us KO's ! I simply couldnt stop

reading and did not feel like taking time to do the exercises, but now I

do try to do some of them and talk them over with my therapist. It

helps!

Tina

>

> Hi Karla & Tina --

>

> I, too, didn't " jibe " with Stop Walking on Eggshells as well as other

> books -- probably just didn't connect as well with how the subject was

> presented or something......But I did skim through it. It's obviously

> a groundbreaking work that connected with others, so I'm grateful it's

> out there.

>

> Another book that worked better for me was " Surviving the Borderline

> Parent " and most definitely, " Understanding the Borderline Mother " --

> among several others. Some posters here also loved the

> book " Boundaries " by Henry Cloud. I also found " Leaving Home " by

> Celani, was helpful. Same for " Bad Childhood, Good Life " .

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Tina...

I did the same thing!! Just read right through it

without doing the exercises. I marked that book up,

though, everything that really struck me and the

situations described that mirrored my own. I may

offer it to my therapist, if she hasn't read it

already, to read and then go through it with her help.

Ninera

--- Tina wrote:

>

> Hi Kyla & Karla

>

> Am just reading " Sutviving the Borderline Parent "

> for the 2nd time,

> first time I skipped the exercises because I just

> was so amazed that

> someone actually devoted a BOOK to us KO's ! I

> simply couldnt stop

> reading and did not feel like taking time to do the

> exercises, but now I

> do try to do some of them and talk them over with my

> therapist. It

> helps!

>

> Tina

>

>

>

> >

> > Hi Karla & Tina --

> >

> > I, too, didn't " jibe " with Stop Walking on

> Eggshells as well as other

> > books -- probably just didn't connect as well with

> how the subject was

> > presented or something......But I did skim through

> it. It's obviously

> > a groundbreaking work that connected with others,

> so I'm grateful it's

> > out there.

> >

> > Another book that worked better for me was

> " Surviving the Borderline

> > Parent " and most definitely, " Understanding the

> Borderline Mother " --

> > among several others. Some posters here also loved

> the

> > book " Boundaries " by Henry Cloud. I also found

> " Leaving Home " by

> > Celani, was helpful. Same for " Bad

> Childhood, Good Life " .

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for

> help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT

> CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, "

> call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We

> also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother”

> (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,”

> (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome

> to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online

> Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Ninera,

I just wanted to chime in here to say that reading " Understanding the

Borderline Mother " was the single most important step on my road to

understanding and accepting my nada's illness (and its effect on me!) It wasn't

until I read the section on all bad/ all good children that I finally felt the

stone split open inside of me and I bawled and wailed for hours. I used to have

a hard time crying about nada, the tears just never came, but that book brought

the injuries back to life for me which was the only way I could work through

them and heal.

Good luck! I hope it works as well for you as it did me:)

T B wrote:

Kyla...

I'm working my way through SWOE, but I also just

finished " Surviving the Borderline Parent " . For now,

I found that one much easier to focus on. I think

that's because it specifically dealt with BPD parents

and, thus, all the situations described in it were a

little easier for me to grasp. More direct.

SWOE has been more difficult for me at this point

simply because many of the examples and situations

deal with non-parental relationships. I'm sure as

time goes on and I get more clarity (and sanity, lol!)

I'll be better able to adapt those examples into my

own stuff. But, for now, I'm not at the point where I

can extrapolate at situation between husband and wife

into a situation between me and my mother.

I'm planning on getting " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " next, and I'm thinking that Boundaries book is

a good idea for me, too!

Ninera

--- kylaboo728 wrote:

> Hi Karla & Tina --

>

> I, too, didn't " jibe " with Stop Walking on Eggshells

> as well as other

> books -- probably just didn't connect as well with

> how the subject was

> presented or something......But I did skim through

> it. It's obviously

> a groundbreaking work that connected with others, so

> I'm grateful it's

> out there.

>

> Another book that worked better for me was

> " Surviving the Borderline

> Parent " and most definitely, " Understanding the

> Borderline Mother " --

> among several others. Some posters here also loved

> the

> book " Boundaries " by Henry Cloud. I also found

> " Leaving Home " by

> Celani, was helpful. Same for " Bad Childhood,

> Good Life " .

>

> -Kyla

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for

> help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT

> CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, "

> call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We

> also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother”

> (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,”

> (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome

> to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online

> Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

>

[Guest guest]

Josobak...

Thanks for that. I know I need that book. It's

just...I'm afraid I'll break down like you did. And

if I break down like that, I'm afraid it won't ever

stop. I don't know if this makes sense or not...but

it's like...I know I'll need people in real life to

lean on then...and while I know I have these amazing

friends who promise to be there I'm having a very

tough time trusting that they actually WILL be there

for all the ugliness I know I need to get through. I

also feel kind of like, if I can't deal with this and

think it's hideous then it's unfair to burden anyone

else with it. When I get overwhelmed emotionally, I

tend to turn it inwards and hold it in and then I get

self destructive. Ironic, because self harm is the

one criteria of BPD that my mother does NOT seem to

have but somehow *I* managed to have it. It's stupid,

I guess.

Ninera

--- JosoBak25 wrote:

> Hi Ninera,

>

> I just wanted to chime in here to say that reading

> " Understanding the Borderline Mother " was the single

> most important step on my road to understanding and

> accepting my nada's illness (and its effect on me!)

> It wasn't until I read the section on all bad/ all

> good children that I finally felt the stone split

> open inside of me and I bawled and wailed for hours.

> I used to have a hard time crying about nada, the

> tears just never came, but that book brought the

> injuries back to life for me which was the only way

> I could work through them and heal.

>

> Good luck! I hope it works as well for you as it

> did me:)

>

> T B wrote:

> Kyla...

>

> I'm working my way through SWOE, but I also just

> finished " Surviving the Borderline Parent " . For now,

> I found that one much easier to focus on. I think

> that's because it specifically dealt with BPD

> parents

> and, thus, all the situations described in it were a

> little easier for me to grasp. More direct.

>

> SWOE has been more difficult for me at this point

> simply because many of the examples and situations

> deal with non-parental relationships. I'm sure as

> time goes on and I get more clarity (and sanity,

> lol!)

> I'll be better able to adapt those examples into my

> own stuff. But, for now, I'm not at the point where

> I

> can extrapolate at situation between husband and

> wife

> into a situation between me and my mother.

>

> I'm planning on getting " Understanding the

> Borderline

> Mother " next, and I'm thinking that Boundaries book

> is

> a good idea for me, too!

>

> Ninera

> --- kylaboo728 wrote:

>

> > Hi Karla & Tina --

> >

> > I, too, didn't " jibe " with Stop Walking on

> Eggshells

> > as well as other

> > books -- probably just didn't connect as well with

> > how the subject was

> > presented or something......But I did skim through

> > it. It's obviously

> > a groundbreaking work that connected with others,

> so

> > I'm grateful it's

> > out there.

> >

> > Another book that worked better for me was

> > " Surviving the Borderline

> > Parent " and most definitely, " Understanding the

> > Borderline Mother " --

> > among several others. Some posters here also loved

> > the

> > book " Boundaries " by Henry Cloud. I also found

> > " Leaving Home " by

> > Celani, was helpful. Same for " Bad

> Childhood,

> > Good Life " .

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for

> > help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS

> THAT

> > CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, "

> > call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We

> > also refer to “Understanding the Borderline

> Mother”

> > (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,”

> > (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore.

> Welcome

> > to the WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online

> > Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> >

[Guest guest]

Good! I didn't do the exercises after the first reading, either,

but now I think I'd like to dive back in. Problem is, I can't find

my book! GRRRRRRRRR!

It's in one of my tote bags that I take with me on trips, etc. Just

haven't dug down deep enough.....

Good luck on the exercises in the book --

-kyla

> >

> > Hi Karla & Tina --

> >

> > I, too, didn't " jibe " with Stop Walking on Eggshells as well as

other

> > books -- probably just didn't connect as well with how the

subject was

> > presented or something......But I did skim through it. It's

obviously

> > a groundbreaking work that connected with others, so I'm

grateful it's

> > out there.

> >

> > Another book that worked better for me was " Surviving the

Borderline

> > Parent " and most definitely, " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " --

> > among several others. Some posters here also loved the

> > book " Boundaries " by Henry Cloud. I also found " Leaving Home " by

> > Celani, was helpful. Same for " Bad Childhood, Good Life " .

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

[Guest guest]

TB -- I can certainly relate to that fear of losing control. But,

then I tell myself that if the truth wants to come out, then I need

to let it. It can't be doing your body and soul any good sitting in

there festering. Tears are healing -- they're the body's way of

coping, and they release endorphins that actually lift you. It's

like a huge weight being taken off your shoulders. And once you've

cried (and you don't know -- you may not! I didn't.), you'll be

pretty much done with crying that hard over that issue. Even if

you want to cry another time over it, it won't be as strong -- and

just let it flow....it helps your mind and body reconnect with each

other.

Clear the decks and get some alone time if you think it will make

you cry. Have tissues at the ready --- cancel any plans for that

day or two. Let it out -- it's not doing you any good sitting there

festering.

{hugs}

Kyla

[Guest guest]

Ninera,

It's completely natural to be afraid of dragging the dusty, decaying skeletons

out of our inner closet where they've been hanging for so long...I too am

terrified of driving away my friends or boyfriend with my seemingly endless

ability to ruminate on nada and the various ways she's screwed me up:) I

already had one amazing relationship suffer from that--my boyfriend at the time

felt he couldn't ever bring up any of his frustrations/ thoughts/ hurts since

they paled in comparison to my nada issues. It led to messy feelings of guilt

and embarassment but what I ultimately found to be an amazing outcome of my

healing process was:

I can lean on MYSELF! I have the care and support of my closest friends and

boyfriend but only I know myself through and through and I'm the only one who

can ultimately motivate myself to change. To contemplate how nada has affected

me, to undo some of her damage, to move on and to embrace my own opinions,

needs, hobbies, interests and curiosities without having my concentration

derailed by worrying about her or generally feeling anxious every five minutes.

The process is painful, I felt like I was orphan-ing myself in a way because

taking the steps to realize how little of a mother nada is to me was like

creating and attending her funeral. I grieved for a year but I'm recovering and

that's what it's all about in the end. Life is short! We have to live it for

ourselves and can't let our nadas monopolize it like they did for our entire

childhoods.

I also tend to direct my emotions inwards--the model of nadas like ours is

typically one of maximizers and minimizers (waif: queen) and my nada is a

maximizer to the extreme. She'll emotionally and psychologically vomit all over

anyone who will listen, she'll cry in public, she'll tell her life story to

strangers, she'll ask for anything free, she'll beg for money, she'll scream in

traffic and the effect of all of this one me is to be silent. I have a hard

time articulating my needs, I discuss my family situation with very few people,

I minimize what her effect on me has been, I feel quietly guilty and anxious

most days and I hate to ask for help.

A huge part of the healing process is to find the middle ground between the

two tendencies and to feel comfortable there. To ask for what we need, to

recover from failure, to find the strength to rely on ourselves and to feel

proud of our accomplishments and opinions.

It is a long hard journey but the fact that you've found this website and

written such great posts for others gives me the confidence to believe that you

are ready to take the first few steps and to work on entangling some of your

inner wounds.

Good luck, I'll be rooting for you:)

T B wrote:

Josobak...

Thanks for that. I know I need that book. It's

just...I'm afraid I'll break down like you did. And

if I break down like that, I'm afraid it won't ever

stop. I don't know if this makes sense or not...but

it's like...I know I'll need people in real life to

lean on then...and while I know I have these amazing

friends who promise to be there I'm having a very

tough time trusting that they actually WILL be there

for all the ugliness I know I need to get through. I

also feel kind of like, if I can't deal with this and

think it's hideous then it's unfair to burden anyone

else with it. When I get overwhelmed emotionally, I

tend to turn it inwards and hold it in and then I get

self destructive. Ironic, because self harm is the

one criteria of BPD that my mother does NOT seem to

have but somehow *I* managed to have it. It's stupid,

I guess.

Ninera

--- JosoBak25 wrote:

> Hi Ninera,

>

> I just wanted to chime in here to say that reading

> " Understanding the Borderline Mother " was the single

> most important step on my road to understanding and

> accepting my nada's illness (and its effect on me!)

> It wasn't until I read the section on all bad/ all

> good children that I finally felt the stone split

> open inside of me and I bawled and wailed for hours.

> I used to have a hard time crying about nada, the

> tears just never came, but that book brought the

> injuries back to life for me which was the only way

> I could work through them and heal.

>

> Good luck! I hope it works as well for you as it

> did me:)

>

> T B wrote:

> Kyla...

>

> I'm working my way through SWOE, but I also just

> finished " Surviving the Borderline Parent " . For now,

> I found that one much easier to focus on. I think

> that's because it specifically dealt with BPD

> parents

> and, thus, all the situations described in it were a

> little easier for me to grasp. More direct.

>

> SWOE has been more difficult for me at this point

> simply because many of the examples and situations

> deal with non-parental relationships. I'm sure as

> time goes on and I get more clarity (and sanity,

> lol!)

> I'll be better able to adapt those examples into my

> own stuff. But, for now, I'm not at the point where

> I

> can extrapolate at situation between husband and

> wife

> into a situation between me and my mother.

>

> I'm planning on getting " Understanding the

> Borderline

> Mother " next, and I'm thinking that Boundaries book

> is

> a good idea for me, too!

>

> Ninera

> --- kylaboo728 wrote:

>

> > Hi Karla & Tina --

> >

> > I, too, didn't " jibe " with Stop Walking on

> Eggshells

> > as well as other

> > books -- probably just didn't connect as well with

> > how the subject was

> > presented or something......But I did skim through

> > it. It's obviously

> > a groundbreaking work that connected with others,

> so

> > I'm grateful it's

> > out there.

> >

> > Another book that worked better for me was

> > " Surviving the Borderline

> > Parent " and most definitely, " Understanding the

> > Borderline Mother " --

> > among several others. Some posters here also loved

> > the

> > book " Boundaries " by Henry Cloud. I also found

> > " Leaving Home " by

> > Celani, was helpful. Same for " Bad

> Childhood,

> > Good Life " .

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for

> > help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS

> THAT

> > CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

> >

> > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, "

> > call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We

> > also refer to “Understanding the Borderline

> Mother”

> > (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,”

> > (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore.

> Welcome

> > to the WTO community!

> >

> > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online

> > Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.

> >