Re: Just when u think they can't hurt u.................

[Guest guest]

LL,

I'm so sorry. I feel for you so very much.

Kinda like the old frog in the jacuzzi metaphor. You don't realize

that they are turning up the heat until things boil over. You were

doing an amazing job,....just get back in the saddle and you can do

it again.

Cheering you on,

Mercy

>

> Haven't been writing for a while on this board. I read the

appropriate

> books, started new hobbies, set all the appropriate boundaries with

nada & fada. I

> was doing so well! After 3-4 months of nc with nada, she started

creeping

> back in a little at a time. Fada did the same. Before I knew it,

I had no

> control over their intruding in my life again.

>

> Last night my husband & I had dinner at nada's & fada's (his 87th

birthday).

> I did not want to go. I kept telling my husband that " they had

been up to

> their old tricks " lately and I had really bad vibes about going.Boy

was I right!

> They were rude, self absorbed, and frankly disgusting. My mother

at one

> point said to my husband " can't you make her (meaning me) shut

up??? " That's

> when I got up in the middle of dinner, without a word, went for a

long walk.

> When I returned, everyone was still eating, chatting, like nothing

even happened!

> Nada & fada had said several other rude, critical things to me

during the

> evening, but I was able to ignor it. Really didn't think they

could hurt me

> anymore. HA! Rude awakening for me.

>

> Just to give you all a heads up...................Just when u think

you've

> finally gotten on with your life, become strong and confident, they

creep back

> in and slam u. This was completely my fault for allowing them

back in my life

> at all. I came home and cried myself to sleep. I now have to

start over

> with them setting boundries, guarding myself, etc. etc..........

>

> LL

>

>

>

> **************Biggest Grammy Award surprises of all time on AOL

Music.

> (http://music.aol.com/grammys/pictures/never-won-a-grammy?

NCID=aolcmp003000000025

> 48)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry that happened, but what made you think they were different?

My dear, they are NEVER the ones to change. You taking a long walk

wasn't going to change them.

Next time, instead of crying yourself back to sleep (because of old

expectations and hopes being resurrected), tell yourself " Well, I

can again give myself permission not to go around them if they're

going to mistreat me. They haven't changed. Time to accept it. "

Your post sounds like you think you have no choices here -- but you

do. You are to be commended for giving them another chance, but

obviously they still affect you negatively. Going back to NC or LC

is easy. You just begin again -- today. By all means mourn the

loss of what you hoped would have been -- the parents you wish you

had. In my own situation, I've found that when you expect nothing

from them, you won't be disappointed. Limit your time with them --

and when you have to be around them, detach from them emotionally.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

>

> Last night my husband & I had dinner at nada's & fada's (his 87th

birthday).

> I did not want to go.

Then why did you choose to?

> Nada & fada had said several other rude, critical things to me

during the

> evening, but I was able to ignor it.

Does ignoring the problem make it go away?

IMO, when they say something that bothers you, you need to call them

on it. Say, " That was a [rude, hurtful, inappropriate] thing to

say. I am not for talking to that way. If you continue to speak to

me or about me that way, I will leave. "

Going on a walk might have helped you calm down a little, but it

obviously did not communicate to your parents that you are not for

berating. By ignoring their behavior, you simply told them that it

is ok to keep treating you in an abusive way.

It would have been nice if your husband had stuck up for you, too,

but I guess you should primarily focus on your own behavior--the only

person you can control is yourself. It sounds like he is the one who

pressured you to go to dinner in the first place? It sounds like he

is not entirely on your team here...have you and your husband

discussed this?

I hope you will be able to look at the whole ordeal as a learning

experience and not beat yourself up too much over it. I wish you

great success as you explore your personal boundaries some more and

continue to look for ways to nurture yourself. It sounds like NC had

been a means for you to avoid the abusive behavior, which can be

good. But in the time you spend away from abusive contact with your

parent(s), think some more about the techniques you plan to use to

cope with it if you ever choose to be around them again. I don't

think avoidance/denial/ignoring is working for your spirit.

[Guest guest]

Thanks Kyla. Missed you and your words of wisdom. My fada called last night

(calls every f-ing night) and he was talking about my cousin (stuff I already

knew about). I told him I was going to tell him about it until I was told to

shut up at dinner the other night. His response was " true to form " - denied

it completely and then got mad at me for even mentioning it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not going to do this again. Silly me for thinking I may get treated

with some kind of respect in my lifetime! Okay..................I get it!

I know what to do. Getting on with my life - STARTING NOW !!!!

Take care, and thanks again. Wish I could meet you one day. You're very

special.

LL

**************Biggest Grammy Award surprises of all time on AOL Music.

(http://music.aol.com/grammys/pictures/never-won-a-grammy?NCID=aolcmp00300000002\

5

48)

[Guest guest]

Sounds just like my dad! And good for you for mentioning it to him,

instead of just burying it. He can deny it, but he heard you.

Again, I think it's never wrong to give someone a chance -- but you

obviously stuck your neck out and they are so clueless they didn't

realize it was their chance to rebuild with you. They blew it. You

paid some tuition -- no shame in that.

Clean slate -- start over.....It's like riding a bike -- you'll

slide back into NC like no big deal.

{hugs}

Kyla

>

> Thanks Kyla. Missed you and your words of wisdom. My fada called

last night

> (calls every f-ing night) and he was talking about my cousin

(stuff I already

> knew about). I told him I was going to tell him about it until I

was told to

> shut up at dinner the other night. His response was " true to

form " - denied

> it completely and then got mad at me for even mentioning

it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>

> I'm not going to do this again. Silly me for thinking I may get

treated

> with some kind of respect in my lifetime!

Okay..................I get it!

> I know what to do. Getting on with my life - STARTING NOW !!!!

>

> Take care, and thanks again. Wish I could meet you one day.

You're very

> special.

>

> LL

>

>

>

> **************Biggest Grammy Award surprises of all time on AOL

Music.

> (http://music.aol.com/grammys/pictures/never-won-a-grammy?

NCID=aolcmp003000000025

> 48)

>

>

>