Re: First post, BPD mother (no idea it had a name!), and is health a weapon?

February 6, 2008

The " removal of the thyroid " thing could mean just about anything in Oz, from an

actual removal of the whole thyroid (which is usually one or two nights in the

hospital) to a fine needle aspiration of a thyroid growth (which is an office

procedure) to a benign comment from the doctor that her thyroid was a little

enlarged, or that she should have her thyroid checked. There's really no

reliable way of knowing without getting completely sucked back in.

tinman345 wrote: I just found this group, and

indeed the name of this condition, this

week. It's been surreal reading through the posts and reading my own

life over and over...

I never knew it had a name, and just assumed my mother was depressed

and crazy in the " every day " sense (but suspecting that it was also my

inclination to be disdainful of those who let emotions take control -

" tinman " is a nickname my rugby team gave me after all - that made me

not willing to be the daughter she wanted (needed?) me to be). So

she's not diagnosed, but if she's not BPD, then she just shares about

90% of the possible symptoms.

Some details - I am 35. My mother is 59. My parents divorced when I

was 4 years old (I am my mother's only child). My father re-married

when I was 8, I have two half-brothers, and I now have a decent

relationship with that whole part of the family. I have been married

for going on 7 years to a wonderful man who was the first person to

make me feel like I was no longer on a team of 1 when it came to

dealing with my family. We have a one-year old son who makes us both

laugh every day, and I enjoy being a mother more than I ever expected to.

I haven't spoken to my mother in close to a year. There have been a

couple of emails in that time (yes, I keep them...never thought of it

as " proof " , but yes that's what it is). She hasn't met her grandson.

It started with his baptism (well of course, it started 30+ years

before that, but this was that proverbial straw)...my husband and I

had decided we weren't having ANYone stay with us while our son was

still so new. We were still learning how to be parents to an infant

and had enough to worry about without dealing with house guests. So,

knowing that my mother is on disability and doesn't have much money,

we told her that for the baptism we'd pay for her to stay in a hotel

nearby. This was apparently insulting to her - where was this hotel?

How would she meet us before the baptism? When would she get to have

special time for just her with our son? Did we expect her to find her

own dinner and breakfast on her own in a strange town? I was really

doing this so we could have more time with my father wasn't I? (she

was always into counting hours when it came to occasions/holidays that

they had to share as I was growing up), someday you'll know what it is

to be alone (nice thing to say to your kid, right? and FYI mom, I

won't because I won't alienate everyone I come in contact with)....on

and on, but then finally that she would " take any crumbs offered " to

be able to meet her grandson who she already loved with all her heart.

And for me and my husband, that pretty much did it - with the amount

we'd bent over backward for her during our wedding, at holidays where

my in laws invited her every year, etc etc - I wrote back and told her

it sounded like she didn't want to come...or rather she said she did

but she wanted to make sure we knew how much she felt wronged or

slighted in the process. I told her I understood that she felt as

though she was being mistreated, but just because she felt that way

didn't make it true. I told her it was very difficult communicating

with someone who seemed to be just one solid exposed nerve ready to

feel hurt, and that it was exhausting for both me and my husband and

the only thing we were willing to make ourselves exhausted for was our

son. So I suggested she stay home for this one, and said we'd call

when we next made a trip up to Mass (both my parents live in adjacent

towns in Massachusetts) and maybe we could set something up then.

She responded with a protracted rant that ended with " I hope that you

are proud of yourself - because this is what you have wanted from the

beginning. You made your choices, I have now sadly made mine.

Goodbye. " So, we took her at her word and figured if she was willing

to actually say " Goodbye " in print, then who were we to argue?

There have been a few more emails since that time, because I (naively

perhaps) have continued to include her on links to pictures and videos

of our son...I didn't want to be petty or vengeful, and figured she

would want to see them right? Of course the response was " Don't you

think it hurts me to see pictures of my grandson with his other

grandparents? " ...I told her she could get them or not, it was her

choice. She said " no no, I'll take your crumbs " .

Anyway, heard nothing for several months (the last email threatened to

contact my husband's family to tell them how she has been kept from

seeing her grandson, and my husband emailed her telling her to never

contact his family, they had been informed of everything that was

going on and had made their own decisions about contact with her).

Then got a phone call from my mother's aunt on Monday evening...now

aunt is a very nice woman and one of the few people in my

mother's family who has always been nice to her (maybe has something

to do with her living in Ohio?). Turns out my mother is having (had)

surgery to remove her thyroid this morning, is the main contact

for the hospital, and she wanted me to know. Then she just told me to

take good care of myself and said goodbye.

I don't know what to do with this information. My mother has always

had some health crisis as far back as I can remember. She's sedentary

and morbidly obese, but of course to her these are the results, and

not possibly the causes, of her ills. The litany of ailments is too

long to go over here - for the last 10 years or so it has included

lupus as the catchall for everything that is wrong with her. She has

" almost died " more than a few times, so that for the past decade or so

I completely tune out when she talks about going to the doctor - my

husband and I refer to her as the " mom who cried wolf " . So I vaguely

remember her talking about something with her thyroid - maybe there

was a tumor, or some other growth, but not cancerous, but

invasive...who the hell knows? But her poor health is always an excuse

for her and a reason I should get sucked back in. And as harsh as it

sounds, that's what this surgery thing seems like - a way for her to

suck me back in. But then I look at that and it sounds so

self-centered on my part (as if a person could really have surgery to

" get at " someone)....but there was the time I was in college when she

OD'd on whatever meds she was on - she said it wasn't intentional, but

the way the ambulance knew to come to her house was that her shrink

thought she'd do something to hurt herself after a conversation they'd

had on the phone. And that was also a time when I was clearly building

my own life at school.

There's so much more, as you all apparently are all too familiar with.

But I was wondering if anyone else has experience with a BPD parent

using health as a weapon in this way? And how do you reconcile your

responsibilities to them? And add into that does anyone else wonder

what your kids are going to say to you when they figure out there's a

grandparent they've never met?

The good part is that I am actually okay - after realizing at age 13

or so that I was way more together than my mom, I made big efforts to

choose my own life and way of dealing with people. And aside from

perhaps an overdeveloped sense of personal control over just about

everything, I'm good. I don't do therapy (have seen that suggested by

many, and that's great for people who it works for, but given that my

mother was a therapist - and my father at one point and my stepmother

too, for that matter - I'm pretty clear on it not being for me), but

my husband and I have each other's backs, and that's what I need.

Any insight on the health thing would be great - or any insight at

all. It's amazing to know I'm not just a girl who didn't grow out of

some adolescent " I hate my mom " stage...

Tinman

---------------------------------

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February 6, 2008

<<Any insight on the health thing would be great - or

any insight at

all. It's amazing to know I'm not just a girl who

didn't grow out of

some adolescent " I hate my mom " stage...<<

Welcome...sorry you qualify.

I could not have said that better about not being a

girl who didn't outgrow the adolescent thing. Even my

former fiance and his mother used to get on me for

that...like I was just holding onto teenage grudges!!

I'm not sure I have a lot of insight to the health

thing, but I can share some of my own experience with

my own mother. It's always something with her, and

she revels in it. I wouldn't have said even a week

ago that she fit the " waif " category of BPD mothers,

but as I learn more...and start remembering more...I'm

thinking that maybe she does fit into it a little bit.

She can't just get a cold like everyone else...it's a

cold that's then bronchitis that's then pneumonia

that's then a hospital stay that's then some other

complication. When I was in college, the pneumonia

turned into " I can't use my legs " . For a whole

summer. No medical explanation for it, she just

couldn't walk. So she ended up in a hospital bed in

our family room for several months. My father and I

had to work (I was paying for school on my own, and

someone had to cover the mortgage!) so my younger

brother had to take the bulk of caring for her. No in

home nurse for her! It was the ONLY year, the

following fall, when my parents came up to school for

parents weekend...she came in a wheelchair, of course.

This last time the pneumonia was some rare, almost

never heard of in the lungs bacteria that had her on a

ventilator in the ICU...oh, yeah, and 2 days after

first entering the hospital she took a shower, walked

back to her bed in wet bare feet...fell...and broke

her wrist and her back. She used to love telling

people in a very dramatic tone " I'm a cancer

survivor " . Yeah, sort of. She had a

hysterectomy...for OTHER reasons...and when they did

it there were growths on her ovaries...which, inside

one, there were a few cancerous cells that the dr.

said were MAYBE a stage ZERO, but wouldn't even really

be called cancer yet. So there was NO treatment for

it...but she's a " cancer survivor! " I always felt

like shouting at her " Tell that to someone who has

puked their guts out for months and lost all their

hair from chemo!! " She supposedly has a hypothyroid

issue but when she gets tested her stuff is all in the

very low ranges of normal...but she insisted she had

it for so long the doctors finally caved on it. Funny

enough, no traditional medication seems to work well

enough for her! She once confided to me that when she

was a child she wished she could get some horrible

sounding disease that would make everyone feel bad for

her, but wouldn't really make her all that

uncomfortable or sick. (She does, of course, deny NOW

that she ever said such a thing.) Be careful what you

wish for...she was diagnosed almost 10 years ago with

a chronic form of leukemia which is exactly what she

had wanted. She's not sick from it, it took 8 years

before she even had to have any chemo and that wasn't

the kind of chemo that makes you puke or lose your

hair. (Although it was a drama filled thing for her,

that's for sure... " I'm so tired " " I'm too weak " " I'm

afraid to go out, people will make me sick " ) But she

does delight in telling everyone and anyone " I have

cancer, you know... " Forgive me my lack of sympathy,

but just feel like telling her " Hey, you get what you

deserve and ask for! "

She sure does love being sick though. I am new to

understanding BPD, but I would have never before

linked the health stuff to BPD. Kind of sad that it's

a joke among some people...they'll ask me, rather than

" hows your mother? " , " What new health crisis does

your mother have NOW? "

Ninera

--- tinman345 wrote:

> I just found this group, and indeed the name of this

> condition, this

> week. It's been surreal reading through the posts

> and reading my own

> life over and over...

>

> I never knew it had a name, and just assumed my

> mother was depressed

> and crazy in the " every day " sense (but suspecting

> that it was also my

> inclination to be disdainful of those who let

> emotions take control -

> " tinman " is a nickname my rugby team gave me after

> all - that made me

> not willing to be the daughter she wanted (needed?)

> me to be). So

> she's not diagnosed, but if she's not BPD, then she

> just shares about

> 90% of the possible symptoms.

>

> Some details - I am 35. My mother is 59. My parents

> divorced when I

> was 4 years old (I am my mother's only child). My

> father re-married

> when I was 8, I have two half-brothers, and I now

> have a decent

> relationship with that whole part of the family. I

> have been married

> for going on 7 years to a wonderful man who was the

> first person to

> make me feel like I was no longer on a team of 1

> when it came to

> dealing with my family. We have a one-year old son

> who makes us both

> laugh every day, and I enjoy being a mother more

> than I ever expected to.

>

> I haven't spoken to my mother in close to a year.

> There have been a

> couple of emails in that time (yes, I keep

> them...never thought of it

> as " proof " , but yes that's what it is). She hasn't

> met her grandson.

>

> It started with his baptism (well of course, it

> started 30+ years

> before that, but this was that proverbial

> straw)...my husband and I

> had decided we weren't having ANYone stay with us

> while our son was

> still so new. We were still learning how to be

> parents to an infant

> and had enough to worry about without dealing with

> house guests. So,

> knowing that my mother is on disability and doesn't

> have much money,

> we told her that for the baptism we'd pay for her to

> stay in a hotel

> nearby. This was apparently insulting to her - where

> was this hotel?

> How would she meet us before the baptism? When would

> she get to have

> special time for just her with our son? Did we

> expect her to find her

> own dinner and breakfast on her own in a strange

> town? I was really

> doing this so we could have more time with my father

> wasn't I? (she

> was always into counting hours when it came to

> occasions/holidays that

> they had to share as I was growing up), someday

> you'll know what it is

> to be alone (nice thing to say to your kid, right?

> and FYI mom, I

> won't because I won't alienate everyone I come in

> contact with)....on

> and on, but then finally that she would " take any

> crumbs offered " to

> be able to meet her grandson who she already loved

> with all her heart.

>

> And for me and my husband, that pretty much did it -

> with the amount

> we'd bent over backward for her during our wedding,

> at holidays where

> my in laws invited her every year, etc etc - I wrote

> back and told her

> it sounded like she didn't want to come...or rather

> she said she did

> but she wanted to make sure we knew how much she

> felt wronged or

> slighted in the process. I told her I understood

> that she felt as

> though she was being mistreated, but just because

> she felt that way

> didn't make it true. I told her it was very

> difficult communicating

> with someone who seemed to be just one solid exposed

> nerve ready to

> feel hurt, and that it was exhausting for both me

> and my husband and

> the only thing we were willing to make ourselves

> exhausted for was our

> son. So I suggested she stay home for this one, and

> said we'd call

> when we next made a trip up to Mass (both my parents

> live in adjacent

> towns in Massachusetts) and maybe we could set

> something up then.

>

> She responded with a protracted rant that ended with

> " I hope that you

> are proud of yourself - because this is what you

> have wanted from the

> beginning. You made your choices, I have now sadly

> made mine.

> Goodbye. " So, we took her at her word and figured if

> she was willing

> to actually say " Goodbye " in print, then who were we

> to argue?

>

> There have been a few more emails since that time,

> because I (naively

> perhaps) have continued to include her on links to

> pictures and videos

> of our son...I didn't want to be petty or vengeful,

> and figured she

> would want to see them right? Of course the response

> was " Don't you

> think it hurts me to see pictures of my grandson

> with his other

> grandparents? " ...I told her she could get them or

> not, it was her

> choice. She said " no no, I'll take your crumbs " .

>

> Anyway, heard nothing for several months (the last

> email threatened to

> contact my husband's family to tell them how she has

> been kept from

> seeing her grandson, and my husband emailed her

> telling her to never

> contact his family, they had been informed of

> everything that was

> going on and had made their own decisions about

> contact with her).

>

> Then got a phone call from my mother's aunt on

> Monday evening...now

> aunt is a very nice woman and one of the few

> people in my

> mother's family who has always been nice to her

> (maybe has something

> to do with her living in Ohio?). Turns out my mother

> is having (had)

> surgery to remove her thyroid this morning, is

> the main contact

> for the hospital, and she wanted me to know. Then

> she just told me to

> take good care of myself and said goodbye.

>

> I don't know what to do with this information. My

> mother has always

> had some health crisis as far back as I can

> remember. She's sedentary

> and morbidly obese, but of course to her these are

> the results, and

> not possibly the causes, of her ills. The litany of

> ailments is too

> long to go over here - for the last 10 years or so

> it has included

> lupus as the catchall for everything that is wrong

> with her. She has

> " almost died " more than a few times, so that for the

> past decade or so

> I completely tune out when she talks about going to

> the doctor - my

> husband and I refer to her as the " mom who cried

> wolf " . So I vaguely

> remember her talking about something with her

> thyroid - maybe there

> was a tumor, or some other growth, but not

> cancerous, but

> invasive...who the hell knows? But her poor health

> is always an excuse

> for her and a reason I should get sucked back in.

> And as harsh as it

> sounds, that's what this surgery thing seems like -

> a way for her to

> suck me back in. But then I look at that and it

> sounds so

> self-centered on my part (as if a person could

> really have surgery to

> " get at " someone)....but there was the time I was in

> college when she

> OD'd on whatever meds she was on - she said it

> wasn't intentional, but

> the way the ambulance knew to come to her house was

> that her shrink

> thought she'd do something to hurt herself after a

> conversation they'd

> had on the phone. And that was also a time when I

> was

=== message truncated ===

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February 6, 2008

Tinman,

That thing about the crumbs MUST BE a nada standard. I hear that one often from

my

nada. It is usually accompanied by the statement... " I hope your son never treats

you like

you and your brother have treated me. I am just left to beg for crumbs of your

time and

attention. " (gag retch vomit, ugh)

My nada is a fairly healthy 61 yo woman but she has so many pain issues, pick a

joint and

she has debilitating pain there. She has allergies and sinus issues and reflux

mostly due to

her stress habit of holding her breath. I think the majority of her problems

are due to her

overmedicating herself to the point that she has damaged her body. She

permanently

damaged her sinuses in her twenties by over use of Sinex, an over the counter

decongestant. All of her vocal cord damage can be attributed to her sinus

problems too.

She even had to go to a speech therapist to learn how to clear her throat w/o

damaging it.

All of her joint pain she attributes to how hard she had to work. She cleaned

houses for

ten years and has been a home healthcare aid for about ten years after that.

She was a pt

aide when she was in her twenties. and did daycare for six years after my

brother was

born.

She has now taken up dog breeding. Yikes.

Not sure if this was any help to your inquiry but hope so.

Carla

...I told her she could get them or not, it was her

> choice. She said " no no, I'll take your crumbs " .

> The good part is that I am actually okay - after realizing at age 13

> or so that I was way more together than my mom, I made big efforts to

> choose my own life and way of dealing with people. And aside from

> perhaps an overdeveloped sense of personal control over just about

> everything, I'm good. I don't do therapy (have seen that suggested by

> many, and that's great for people who it works for, but given that my

> mother was a therapist - and my father at one point and my stepmother

> too, for that matter - I'm pretty clear on it not being for me), but

> my husband and I have each other's backs, and that's what I need.

>

> Any insight on the health thing would be great - or any insight at

> all. It's amazing to know I'm not just a girl who didn't grow out of

> some adolescent " I hate my mom " stage...

>

> Tinman

>

February 6, 2008

My mil uses her health to suck me in. She changes her symptoms each

time I speak with her, she stops taking prescribed medications on a

whim, she tells me that she's " trying " to eat. She likes to leave me

with a little wriggling doubt that she might not be capable of caring

for herself. Which is particularly cruel (or perceptive) of her

because she knows that my mother has a chronic illness that she's

lived with since 1986, and physical distress is irresistable bait to

me.

Once she told me and one of my other sil's (can I get a witness!)

that she'd had an operation to remove cancer, a vulvectomy to be

exact. Because it was a sensitive subject for her, she asked me to

tell my husband about it. I asked her if there was any follow up

chemo or radiation required, she said, no they got it all. I'm fine,

don't worry about me.

Okay. We won't then.

Recently she began having mysterious health issues and unexplained

weight loss, and my sil wondered if the cancer was back. So I asked

her if she ever had any follow up for the cancer from a few years

ago. She said (quite puzzled and confused), I never had cancer.

She's been making repeated trips to various ER's lately, and when I

was discussing the situation with my sister she said, " she needs to

reacquaint herself with the story of the boy who cried wolf. "

She was recently admitted to a psychiatric clinic for evaluation.

While she was there, they gave her a mental status test, and they

told me that she was not suffering any loss of cognitive function

beyond normal aging (she's 72). She is capable of her own care and

feeding. Once I had that reassurance, it was much easier for me to

detach from her health crises. If she chooses not to eat, or take

her meds, and she has another emergency, she can call the ambulance

and the professional staff at the hospital will take fine care of

her.

So in answer to your question, yes, I think that they'll use health

as a weapon if it works.

>

> I just found this group, and indeed the name of this condition, this

> week. It's been surreal reading through the posts and reading my own

> life over and over...

>

> I never knew it had a name, and just assumed my mother was depressed

> and crazy in the " every day " sense (but suspecting that it was also

my

> inclination to be disdainful of those who let emotions take

control -

> " tinman " is a nickname my rugby team gave me after all - that made

me

> not willing to be the daughter she wanted (needed?) me to be). So

> she's not diagnosed, but if she's not BPD, then she just shares

about

> 90% of the possible symptoms.

>

> Some details - I am 35. My mother is 59. My parents divorced when I

> was 4 years old (I am my mother's only child). My father re-married

> when I was 8, I have two half-brothers, and I now have a decent

> relationship with that whole part of the family. I have been married

> for going on 7 years to a wonderful man who was the first person to

> make me feel like I was no longer on a team of 1 when it came to

> dealing with my family. We have a one-year old son who makes us both

> laugh every day, and I enjoy being a mother more than I ever

expected to.

>

> I haven't spoken to my mother in close to a year. There have been a

> couple of emails in that time (yes, I keep them...never thought of

it

> as " proof " , but yes that's what it is). She hasn't met her

grandson.

>

> It started with his baptism (well of course, it started 30+ years

> before that, but this was that proverbial straw)...my husband and I

> had decided we weren't having ANYone stay with us while our son was

> still so new. We were still learning how to be parents to an infant

> and had enough to worry about without dealing with house guests. So,

> knowing that my mother is on disability and doesn't have much money,

> we told her that for the baptism we'd pay for her to stay in a hotel

> nearby. This was apparently insulting to her - where was this hotel?

> How would she meet us before the baptism? When would she get to have

> special time for just her with our son? Did we expect her to find

her

> own dinner and breakfast on her own in a strange town? I was really

> doing this so we could have more time with my father wasn't I? (she

> was always into counting hours when it came to occasions/holidays

that

> they had to share as I was growing up), someday you'll know what it

is

> to be alone (nice thing to say to your kid, right? and FYI mom, I

> won't because I won't alienate everyone I come in contact

with)....on

> and on, but then finally that she would " take any crumbs offered " to

> be able to meet her grandson who she already loved with all her

heart.

>

> And for me and my husband, that pretty much did it - with the amount

> we'd bent over backward for her during our wedding, at holidays

where

> my in laws invited her every year, etc etc - I wrote back and told

her

> it sounded like she didn't want to come...or rather she said she did

> but she wanted to make sure we knew how much she felt wronged or

> slighted in the process. I told her I understood that she felt as

> though she was being mistreated, but just because she felt that way

> didn't make it true. I told her it was very difficult communicating

> with someone who seemed to be just one solid exposed nerve ready to

> feel hurt, and that it was exhausting for both me and my husband and

> the only thing we were willing to make ourselves exhausted for was

our

> son. So I suggested she stay home for this one, and said we'd call

> when we next made a trip up to Mass (both my parents live in

adjacent

> towns in Massachusetts) and maybe we could set something up then.

>

> She responded with a protracted rant that ended with " I hope that

you

> are proud of yourself - because this is what you have wanted from

the

> beginning. You made your choices, I have now sadly made mine.

> Goodbye. " So, we took her at her word and figured if she was willing

> to actually say " Goodbye " in print, then who were we to argue?

>

> There have been a few more emails since that time, because I

(naively

> perhaps) have continued to include her on links to pictures and

videos

> of our son...I didn't want to be petty or vengeful, and figured she

> would want to see them right? Of course the response was " Don't you

> think it hurts me to see pictures of my grandson with his other

> grandparents? " ...I told her she could get them or not, it was her

> choice. She said " no no, I'll take your crumbs " .

>

> Anyway, heard nothing for several months (the last email threatened

to

> contact my husband's family to tell them how she has been kept from

> seeing her grandson, and my husband emailed her telling her to never

> contact his family, they had been informed of everything that was

> going on and had made their own decisions about contact with her).

>

> Then got a phone call from my mother's aunt on Monday evening...now

> aunt is a very nice woman and one of the few people in my

> mother's family who has always been nice to her (maybe has something

> to do with her living in Ohio?). Turns out my mother is having (had)

> surgery to remove her thyroid this morning, is the main

contact

> for the hospital, and she wanted me to know. Then she just told me

to

> take good care of myself and said goodbye.

>

> I don't know what to do with this information. My mother has always

> had some health crisis as far back as I can remember. She's

sedentary

> and morbidly obese, but of course to her these are the results, and

> not possibly the causes, of her ills. The litany of ailments is too

> long to go over here - for the last 10 years or so it has included

> lupus as the catchall for everything that is wrong with her. She has

> " almost died " more than a few times, so that for the past decade or

so

> I completely tune out when she talks about going to the doctor - my

> husband and I refer to her as the " mom who cried wolf " . So I vaguely

> remember her talking about something with her thyroid - maybe there

> was a tumor, or some other growth, but not cancerous, but

> invasive...who the hell knows? But her poor health is always an

excuse

> for her and a reason I should get sucked back in. And as harsh as it

> sounds, that's what this surgery thing seems like - a way for her to

> suck me back in. But then I look at that and it sounds so

> self-centered on my part (as if a person could really have surgery

to

> " get at " someone)....but there was the time I was in college when

she

> OD'd on whatever meds she was on - she said it wasn't intentional,

but

> the way the ambulance knew to come to her house was that her shrink

> thought she'd do something to hurt herself after a conversation

they'd

> had on the phone. And that was also a time when I was clearly

building

> my own life at school.

>

> There's so much more, as you all apparently are all too familiar

with.

> But I was wondering if anyone else has experience with a BPD parent

> using health as a weapon in this way? And how do you reconcile your

> responsibilities to them? And add into that does anyone else wonder

> what your kids are going to say to you when they figure out there's

a

> grandparent they've never met?

>

> The good part is that I am actually okay - after realizing at age 13

> or so that I was way more together than my mom, I made big efforts

to

> choose my own life and way of dealing with people. And aside from

> perhaps an overdeveloped sense of personal control over just about

> everything, I'm good. I don't do therapy (have seen that suggested

by

> many, and that's great for people who it works for, but given that

my

> mother was a therapist - and my father at one point and my

stepmother

> too, for that matter - I'm pretty clear on it not being for me), but

> my husband and I have each other's backs, and that's what I need.

>

> Any insight on the health thing would be great - or any insight at

> all. It's amazing to know I'm not just a girl who didn't grow out of

> some adolescent " I hate my mom " stage...

>

> Tinman

>

February 7, 2008

hi Tinman,

My nada is nearly 81 and has been driving everyone crazy with her

" symptoms " , and I do mean everyone: for the last 20 years or so it was

just the family. She was always complaing about something or other,

using it as an excuse to decline invitations, or make me do things for

her, etc etc. When I really got fed up with her I used to tell her to

go and see her doctor if it really was that bad. Or if it was not, would

she please stop complaining? That usually worked for a week or so.

Anyway, last Sept she really had heartproblems and ended up in hospital.

Maybe its due to her age, but she then started to drive nurses and

doctors at the hospital crazy. This is new, because of her paranoia she

never wanted to speak of anything " personal " to doctors before. So when

one nurse was on duty she suddenly couldnt walk anymore (although she

physically could), when another nurse was on duty she could (and did)

walk. Same with eating, showering, dressing. They really had a hard

time figuring out whether she was able to go home or not. Now that she

is home its the same all over, only now with the daycare people. To

make a long story short: This whole episode caused me so many physical

symptoms that I ended up seeing my doctor who told me to go NC. So now

she is taken care of by " professionals " , and my husband goes to see her

now and then. He also is the contact for the daycare, cause even now (

after 5 months) I start hyperventilating when the phone rings... I do

not know how this will go on, but I do know that I want my life! And

yes, it certainly is difficult to reconcile your responsibilities, as

you wrote. But I figured that after nearly 40 years of being responsible

for my nada (from age 14, am now 52) I have had enough, I simply cant

take anymore. I hope this has been of help to you.

Tina

>

> I just found this group, and indeed the name of this condition, this

> week. It's been surreal reading through the posts and reading my own

> life over and over...

>

> I never knew it had a name, and just assumed my mother was depressed

> and crazy in the " every day " sense (but suspecting that it was also my

> inclination to be disdainful of those who let emotions take control -

> " tinman " is a nickname my rugby team gave me after all - that made me

> not willing to be the daughter she wanted (needed?) me to be). So

> she's not diagnosed, but if she's not BPD, then she just shares about

> 90% of the possible symptoms.

>

> Some details - I am 35. My mother is 59. My parents divorced when I

> was 4 years old (I am my mother's only child). My father re-married

> when I was 8, I have two half-brothers, and I now have a decent

> relationship with that whole part of the family. I have been married

> for going on 7 years to a wonderful man who was the first person to

> make me feel like I was no longer on a team of 1 when it came to

> dealing with my family. We have a one-year old son who makes us both

> laugh every day, and I enjoy being a mother more than I ever expected

to.

>

> I haven't spoken to my mother in close to a year. There have been a

> couple of emails in that time (yes, I keep them...never thought of it

> as " proof " , but yes that's what it is). She hasn't met her grandson.