Re: First post, BPD mother (no idea it had a name!), and is health a weapon?

[Guest guest]

It's unreal. Health is always used as a weapon, drama, and sob story.

Usually all 3 at the same time.

Always.

> She accused me of saying that she brought the cancer on herself

> and that she deserved it. Ok, well she may have inadvertently brought

> the cancer, but she never deserved it. I wouldn't say that (or

> believe it) to my worst enemy.

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

True! And in the case of my mother, her health is fine, so she's

latched on to " grief " in an effort to pull pity from everybody. Also,

it's handy for sitting on your ass and not participating in the lives

of those you profess to love.

A few months ago, during a rare moment of contact, I was talking to

mom to get details on where we were supposed to meet up that weekend

for an event we were attending together. In the midst of discussing

details, mom was equivocating on whether or not she was actually going

(NO surprise there). She just lapses into boo-hooing while

whining " It's just so HARD!! " , because she had lost her 90 year old

mother 8 months before.

Long accustomed to this game of hers, I felt nothing. I rolled right

over it with a " So, you're not going, then? " .

I'm sure she was pissed off it didn't work with me, but I had been

avoiding being alone with her for JUST that reason: she would just

make me sit there while she cried. I know I sound heartless, but

she's used her misery as an excuse to miss so much of my life, I'm

over it. The loss of her mother is sad, but not tragic. And mom does

NOTHING to pull herself out of it -- no nurturing and participating in

the lives of me or her grandchildren. She just makes SURE she's

sitting there alone and miserable so that anybody who happens by will

be snared into her Web of Pity.

It's so obviously engineered, I can't feel too much pity for her.

Like a diabetic who keeps eating sweets so they'll end up in the

hospital and get pity. You can feel badly for them having diabetes,

but your compassion is mitigated by the fact that they make it worse.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Eqivocating. That is a good word. My son turned 18 on Valentine's

Day, and we're having a party for him tomorrow. We invited my mother-

in-law a couple weeks, and her response was I really want to come. I

guess she can only make it if she can tear herself away from sitting

in her house feeling abandoned by her sons.

She mailed my son a card with a $50.00 check in it it arrived on the

day before his birthday. Why would you send him a check in the mail

if you're coming to his birthday party?????

Then she called on his birthday, but he wasn't here, so she told me

to tell him that she " plans " to see him on Sunday. What was I

supposed to say to that? Oh, I hope I hope I hope that you can come

because it just won't be the same without you here. Instead I said,

okay.

But I think she is very rude. Everyone else who we invited gave me a

definite " yes " or " no " . But with her I'm left hanging. So

inconsiderate and selfish.

grrrrr.

>

> True! And in the case of my mother, her health is fine, so she's

> latched on to " grief " in an effort to pull pity from everybody.

Also,

> it's handy for sitting on your ass and not participating in the

lives

> of those you profess to love.

>

> A few months ago, during a rare moment of contact, I was talking to

> mom to get details on where we were supposed to meet up that

weekend

> for an event we were attending together. In the midst of

discussing

> details, mom was equivocating on whether or not she was actually

going

> (NO surprise there). She just lapses into boo-hooing while

> whining " It's just so HARD!! " , because she had lost her 90 year old

> mother 8 months before.

>

> Long accustomed to this game of hers, I felt nothing. I rolled

right

> over it with a " So, you're not going, then? " .

>

> I'm sure she was pissed off it didn't work with me, but I had been

> avoiding being alone with her for JUST that reason: she would just

> make me sit there while she cried. I know I sound heartless, but

> she's used her misery as an excuse to miss so much of my life, I'm

> over it. The loss of her mother is sad, but not tragic. And mom

does

> NOTHING to pull herself out of it -- no nurturing and participating

in

> the lives of me or her grandchildren. She just makes SURE she's

> sitting there alone and miserable so that anybody who happens by

will

> be snared into her Web of Pity.

>

> It's so obviously engineered, I can't feel too much pity for her.

> Like a diabetic who keeps eating sweets so they'll end up in the

> hospital and get pity. You can feel badly for them having

diabetes,

> but your compassion is mitigated by the fact that they make it

worse.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla and Rinkled,

My youngest son turns 8 on Sunday. After two years of LC and trying

to re-establish a relationship, weird gifts to my boys, strange cards

signed by her and her cats, this year nada has chosen to ignore my

son's birthday. (She decided about a month ago that all

reconciliation efforts were off. She got mad that I told

family 'secrets' to a mutual friend/lawyer. Very taboo.) I am just

so much more assured that her having any kind of involvement in my

kids' lives is just too detrimental to them. IMHO, it's much easier

for them to question me about who the heck my mother really is, than

for them to have to try and understand her weird behavior.

We had a blast at BounceU anyway!

Kindest regards,

Mercy

> >

> > True! And in the case of my mother, her health is fine, so she's

> > latched on to " grief " in an effort to pull pity from everybody.

> Also,

> > it's handy for sitting on your ass and not participating in the

> lives

> > of those you profess to love.

> >

> > A few months ago, during a rare moment of contact, I was talking

to

> > mom to get details on where we were supposed to meet up that

> weekend

> > for an event we were attending together. In the midst of

> discussing

> > details, mom was equivocating on whether or not she was actually

> going

> > (NO surprise there). She just lapses into boo-hooing while

> > whining " It's just so HARD!! " , because she had lost her 90 year

old

> > mother 8 months before.

> >

> > Long accustomed to this game of hers, I felt nothing. I rolled

> right

> > over it with a " So, you're not going, then? " .

> >

> > I'm sure she was pissed off it didn't work with me, but I had

been

> > avoiding being alone with her for JUST that reason: she would

just

> > make me sit there while she cried. I know I sound heartless, but

> > she's used her misery as an excuse to miss so much of my life,

I'm

> > over it. The loss of her mother is sad, but not tragic. And mom

> does

> > NOTHING to pull herself out of it -- no nurturing and

participating

> in

> > the lives of me or her grandchildren. She just makes SURE she's

> > sitting there alone and miserable so that anybody who happens by

> will

> > be snared into her Web of Pity.

> >

> > It's so obviously engineered, I can't feel too much pity for

her.

> > Like a diabetic who keeps eating sweets so they'll end up in the

> > hospital and get pity. You can feel badly for them having

> diabetes,

> > but your compassion is mitigated by the fact that they make it

> worse.

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

[Guest guest]

jmptr99,

I really had to chime in here. My son is 8 and had many problems due to food

allergies

from 8 months old until just a year or two ago. He ended up in the hospital

once and has

had an allergy specialist since he was 14months old and a pediatric

gastroenterologist

since he was two. My nada came out to help me with him when he was just two and

a half

and at his absolute sickliest. (Believe it or not that was the best my nada has

ever been

with him. She was definitely in good mother mode. I was amazed.)

I would never hold his illnesses and his need for me at that time against him.

I am his

mother. IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO CARE FOR HIM. I do it gladly because this is

what was

best for him and what he needed. That your nada has used your childhood illness

to turn

you into her indentured servant and blame you for her physical problems makes me

furious. Grrrr! I truly hope you find your substitute mom, if you haven't

already, that will

be an example of what a loving mom truly is. Then you will have the strength you

need to

lose that guilt that keeps sucking you back in.

Carla

> >

> > I just found this group, and indeed the name of this condition, this

> > week. It's been surreal reading through the posts and reading my own

> > life over and over...

> >

> > I never knew it had a name, and just assumed my mother was depressed

> > and crazy in the " every day " sense (but suspecting that it was also my

> > inclination to be disdainful of those who let emotions take control -

> > " tinman " is a nickname my rugby team gave me after all - that made me

> > not willing to be the daughter she wanted (needed?) me to be). So

> > she's not diagnosed, but if she's not BPD, then she just shares about

> > 90% of the possible symptoms.

> >

> > Some details - I am 35. My mother is 59. My parents divorced when I

> > was 4 years old (I am my mother's only child). My father re-married

> > when I was 8, I have two half-brothers, and I now have a decent

> > relationship with that whole part of the family. I have been married

> > for going on 7 years to a wonderful man who was the first person to

> > make me feel like I was no longer on a team of 1 when it came to

> > dealing with my family. We have a one-year old son who makes us both

> > laugh every day, and I enjoy being a mother more than I ever

> expected to.

> >

> > I haven't spoken to my mother in close to a year. There have been a

> > couple of emails in that time (yes, I keep them...never thought of it

> > as " proof " , but yes that's what it is). She hasn't met her grandson.

> >

> > It started with his baptism (well of course, it started 30+ years

> > before that, but this was that proverbial straw)...my husband and I

> > had decided we weren't having ANYone stay with us while our son was

> > still so new. We were still learning how to be parents to an infant

> > and had enough to worry about without dealing with house guests. So,

> > knowing that my mother is on disability and doesn't have much money,

> > we told her that for the baptism we'd pay for her to stay in a hotel

> > nearby. This was apparently insulting to her - where was this hotel?

> > How would she meet us before the baptism? When would she get to have

> > special time for just her with our son? Did we expect her to find her

> > own dinner and breakfast on her own in a strange town? I was really

> > doing this so we could have more time with my father wasn't I? (she

> > was always into counting hours when it came to occasions/holidays that

> > they had to share as I was growing up), someday you'll know what it is

> > to be alone (nice thing to say to your kid, right? and FYI mom, I

> > won't because I won't alienate everyone I come in contact with)....on

> > and on, but then finally that she would " take any crumbs offered " to

> > be able to meet her grandson who she already loved with all her heart.

> >

> > And for me and my husband, that pretty much did it - with the amount

> > we'd bent over backward for her during our wedding, at holidays where

> > my in laws invited her every year, etc etc - I wrote back and told her

> > it sounded like she didn't want to come...or rather she said she did

> > but she wanted to make sure we knew how much she felt wronged or

> > slighted in the process. I told her I understood that she felt as

> > though she was being mistreated, but just because she felt that way

> > didn't make it true. I told her it was very difficult communicating

> > with someone who seemed to be just one solid exposed nerve ready to

> > feel hurt, and that it was exhausting for both me and my husband and

> > the only thing we were willing to make ourselves exhausted for was our

> > son. So I suggested she stay home for this one, and said we'd call

> > when we next made a trip up to Mass (both my parents live in adjacent

> > towns in Massachusetts) and maybe we could set something up then.

> >

> > She responded with a protracted rant that ended with " I hope that you

> > are proud of yourself - because this is what you have wanted from the

> > beginning. You made your choices, I have now sadly made mine.

> > Goodbye. " So, we took her at her word and figured if she was willing

> > to actually say " Goodbye " in print, then who were we to argue?

> >

> > There have been a few more emails since that time, because I (naively

> > perhaps) have continued to include her on links to pictures and videos

> > of our son...I didn't want to be petty or vengeful, and figured she

> > would want to see them right? Of course the response was " Don't you

> > think it hurts me to see pictures of my grandson with his other

> > grandparents? " ...I told her she could get them or not, it was her

> > choice. She said " no no, I'll take your crumbs " .

> >

> > Anyway, heard nothing for several months (the last email threatened to

> > contact my husband's family to tell them how she has been kept from

> > seeing her grandson, and my husband emailed her telling her to never

> > contact his family, they had been informed of everything that was

> > going on and had made their own decisions about contact with her).

> >

> > Then got a phone call from my mother's aunt on Monday evening...now

> > aunt is a very nice woman and one of the few people in my

> > mother's family who has always been nice to her (maybe has something

> > to do with her living in Ohio?). Turns out my mother is having (had)

> > surgery to remove her thyroid this morning, is the main contact

> > for the hospital, and she wanted me to know. Then she just told me to

> > take good care of myself and said goodbye.

> >

> > I don't know what to do with this information. My mother has always

> > had some health crisis as far back as I can remember. She's sedentary

> > and morbidly obese, but of course to her these are the results, and

> > not possibly the causes, of her ills. The litany of ailments is too

> > long to go over here - for the last 10 years or so it has included

> > lupus as the catchall for everything that is wrong with her. She has

> > " almost died " more than a few times, so that for the past decade or so

> > I completely tune out when she talks about going to the doctor - my

> > husband and I refer to her as the " mom who cried wolf " . So I vaguely

> > remember her talking about something with her thyroid - maybe there

> > was a tumor, or some other growth, but not cancerous, but

> > invasive...who the hell knows? But her poor health is always an excuse

> > for her and a reason I should get sucked back in. And as harsh as it

> > sounds, that's what this surgery thing seems like - a way for her to

> > suck me back in. But then I look at that and it sounds so

> > self-centered on my part (as if a person could really have surgery to

> > " get at " someone)....but there was the time I was in college when she

> > OD'd on whatever meds she was on - she said it wasn't intentional, but

> > the way the ambulance knew to come to her house was that her shrink

> > thought she'd do something to hurt herself after a conversation they'd

> > had on the phone. And that was also a time when I was clearly building

> > my own life at school.

> >

> > There's so much more, as you all apparently are all too familiar with.

> > But I was wondering if anyone else has experience with a BPD parent

> > using health as a weapon in this way? And how do you reconcile your

> > responsibilities to them? And add into that does anyone else wonder

> > what your kids are going to say to you when they figure out there's a

> > grandparent they've never met?

> >

> > The good part is that I am actually okay - after realizing at age 13

> > or so that I was way more together than my mom, I made big efforts to

> > choose my own life and way of dealing with people. And aside from

> > perhaps an overdeveloped sense of personal control over just about

> > everything, I'm good. I don't do therapy (have seen that suggested by

> > many, and that's great for people who it works for, but given that my

> > mother was a therapist - and my father at one point and my stepmother

> > too, for that matter - I'm pretty clear on it not being for me), but

> > my husband and I have each other's backs, and that's what I need.

> >

> > Any insight on the health thing would be great - or any insight at

> > all. It's amazing to know I'm not just a girl who didn't grow out of

> > some adolescent " I hate my mom " stage...

> >

> > Tinman

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It never ceases to amaze me at what the BPD is willing to leave on the

table -- namely priceless relationships and squandered opportunities --

so that they can indulge their need for self-righteousness. And in

their mind, they play no role in the relationship's demise.

[Guest guest]

Yes, they discard what they are desperately clawing for. All the

wasted time and what could have been,.....

The BDD Teflon Coating is so hard to deal with. 'Course with me being

ultra-responsible I have a terrible time with people who don't take

ownership of their actions.

>

> It never ceases to amaze me at what the BPD is willing to leave on

the

> table -- namely priceless relationships and squandered opportunities -

-

> so that they can indulge their need for self-righteousness. And in

> their mind, they play no role in the relationship's demise.

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry, (typo) BPD Teflon Coating - The I'm not responsible for my

mess syndrome.

> >

> > It never ceases to amaze me at what the BPD is willing to leave

on

> the

> > table -- namely priceless relationships and squandered

opportunities -

> -

> > so that they can indulge their need for self-righteousness. And

in

> > their mind, they play no role in the relationship's demise.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Carla,

Thank you so much for saying that. I'm sorry that your son has had to

deal with all of that, but I'm glad that he has a great and caring mom

like you. I have only recently begun to realize that my mother's

reaction was less than ideal, and even though I now know that some of

the things she has done were not very " motherly " , I still find myself

going back to the fact that she is my mother and provided me with all

of my basic needs, and that I should be grateful for that. Thank you

for the reminder, and your kind words. I'm definitely going to save

this one! All the best to you and your son. :-)

~

> > >

> > > I just found this group, and indeed the name of this condition, this

> > > week. It's been surreal reading through the posts and reading my own

> > > life over and over...

> > >

> > > I never knew it had a name, and just assumed my mother was depressed

> > > and crazy in the " every day " sense (but suspecting that it was

also my

> > > inclination to be disdainful of those who let emotions take

control -

> > > " tinman " is a nickname my rugby team gave me after all - that

made me

> > > not willing to be the daughter she wanted (needed?) me to be). So

> > > she's not diagnosed, but if she's not BPD, then she just shares

about

> > > 90% of the possible symptoms.

> > >

> > > Some details - I am 35. My mother is 59. My parents divorced when I

> > > was 4 years old (I am my mother's only child). My father re-married

> > > when I was 8, I have two half-brothers, and I now have a decent

> > > relationship with that whole part of the family. I have been married

> > > for going on 7 years to a wonderful man who was the first person to

> > > make me feel like I was no longer on a team of 1 when it came to

> > > dealing with my family. We have a one-year old son who makes us both

> > > laugh every day, and I enjoy being a mother more than I ever

> > expected to.

> > >

> > > I haven't spoken to my mother in close to a year. There have been a

> > > couple of emails in that time (yes, I keep them...never thought

of it

> > > as " proof " , but yes that's what it is). She hasn't met her

grandson.

> > >

> > > It started with his baptism (well of course, it started 30+ years

> > > before that, but this was that proverbial straw)...my husband and I

> > > had decided we weren't having ANYone stay with us while our son was

> > > still so new. We were still learning how to be parents to an infant

> > > and had enough to worry about without dealing with house guests. So,

> > > knowing that my mother is on disability and doesn't have much money,

> > > we told her that for the baptism we'd pay for her to stay in a hotel

> > > nearby. This was apparently insulting to her - where was this hotel?

> > > How would she meet us before the baptism? When would she get to have

> > > special time for just her with our son? Did we expect her to

find her

> > > own dinner and breakfast on her own in a strange town? I was really

> > > doing this so we could have more time with my father wasn't I? (she

> > > was always into counting hours when it came to

occasions/holidays that

> > > they had to share as I was growing up), someday you'll know what

it is

> > > to be alone (nice thing to say to your kid, right? and FYI mom, I

> > > won't because I won't alienate everyone I come in contact

with)....on

> > > and on, but then finally that she would " take any crumbs offered " to

> > > be able to meet her grandson who she already loved with all her

heart.

> > >

> > > And for me and my husband, that pretty much did it - with the amount

> > > we'd bent over backward for her during our wedding, at holidays

where

> > > my in laws invited her every year, etc etc - I wrote back and

told her

> > > it sounded like she didn't want to come...or rather she said she did

> > > but she wanted to make sure we knew how much she felt wronged or

> > > slighted in the process. I told her I understood that she felt as

> > > though she was being mistreated, but just because she felt that way

> > > didn't make it true. I told her it was very difficult communicating

> > > with someone who seemed to be just one solid exposed nerve ready to

> > > feel hurt, and that it was exhausting for both me and my husband and

> > > the only thing we were willing to make ourselves exhausted for

was our

> > > son. So I suggested she stay home for this one, and said we'd call

> > > when we next made a trip up to Mass (both my parents live in

adjacent

> > > towns in Massachusetts) and maybe we could set something up then.

> > >

> > > She responded with a protracted rant that ended with " I hope

that you

> > > are proud of yourself - because this is what you have wanted

from the

> > > beginning. You made your choices, I have now sadly made mine.

> > > Goodbye. " So, we took her at her word and figured if she was willing

> > > to actually say " Goodbye " in print, then who were we to argue?

> > >

> > > There have been a few more emails since that time, because I

(naively

> > > perhaps) have continued to include her on links to pictures and

videos

> > > of our son...I didn't want to be petty or vengeful, and figured she

> > > would want to see them right? Of course the response was " Don't you

> > > think it hurts me to see pictures of my grandson with his other

> > > grandparents? " ...I told her she could get them or not, it was her

> > > choice. She said " no no, I'll take your crumbs " .

> > >

> > > Anyway, heard nothing for several months (the last email

threatened to

> > > contact my husband's family to tell them how she has been kept from

> > > seeing her grandson, and my husband emailed her telling her to never

> > > contact his family, they had been informed of everything that was

> > > going on and had made their own decisions about contact with her).

> > >

> > > Then got a phone call from my mother's aunt on Monday evening...now

> > > aunt is a very nice woman and one of the few people in my

> > > mother's family who has always been nice to her (maybe has something

> > > to do with her living in Ohio?). Turns out my mother is having (had)

> > > surgery to remove her thyroid this morning, is the main

contact

> > > for the hospital, and she wanted me to know. Then she just told

me to

> > > take good care of myself and said goodbye.

> > >

> > > I don't know what to do with this information. My mother has always

> > > had some health crisis as far back as I can remember. She's

sedentary

> > > and morbidly obese, but of course to her these are the results, and

> > > not possibly the causes, of her ills. The litany of ailments is too

> > > long to go over here - for the last 10 years or so it has included

> > > lupus as the catchall for everything that is wrong with her. She has

> > > " almost died " more than a few times, so that for the past decade

or so

> > > I completely tune out when she talks about going to the doctor - my

> > > husband and I refer to her as the " mom who cried wolf " . So I vaguely

> > > remember her talking about something with her thyroid - maybe there

> > > was a tumor, or some other growth, but not cancerous, but

> > > invasive...who the hell knows? But her poor health is always an

excuse

> > > for her and a reason I should get sucked back in. And as harsh as it

> > > sounds, that's what this surgery thing seems like - a way for her to

> > > suck me back in. But then I look at that and it sounds so

> > > self-centered on my part (as if a person could really have

surgery to

> > > " get at " someone)....but there was the time I was in college

when she

> > > OD'd on whatever meds she was on - she said it wasn't

intentional, but

> > > the way the ambulance knew to come to her house was that her shrink

> > > thought she'd do something to hurt herself after a conversation

they'd

> > > had on the phone. And that was also a time when I was clearly

building

> > > my own life at school.

> > >

> > > There's so much more, as you all apparently are all too familiar

with.

> > > But I was wondering if anyone else has experience with a BPD parent

> > > using health as a weapon in this way? And how do you reconcile your

> > > responsibilities to them? And add into that does anyone else wonder

> > > what your kids are going to say to you when they figure out

there's a

> > > grandparent they've never met?

> > >

> > > The good part is that I am actually okay - after realizing at age 13

> > > or so that I was way more together than my mom, I made big

efforts to

> > > choose my own life and way of dealing with people. And aside from

> > > perhaps an overdeveloped sense of personal control over just about

> > > everything, I'm good. I don't do therapy (have seen that

suggested by

> > > many, and that's great for people who it works for, but given

that my

> > > mother was a therapist - and my father at one point and my

stepmother

> > > too, for that matter - I'm pretty clear on it not being for me), but

> > > my husband and I have each other's backs, and that's what I need.

> > >

> > > Any insight on the health thing would be great - or any insight at

> > > all. It's amazing to know I'm not just a girl who didn't grow out of

> > > some adolescent " I hate my mom " stage...

> > >

> > > Tinman

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My mother-in-law is a pseudo nurse. Any tiny ailment you have, she

will manage to turn into a symptom of a SERIOUS condition. Then if

you ignore her warnings that " diarrhea can be caused by early onset

leukemia " she'll get her feelings hurt (aka you become the enemy),

because all she was doing was caring about your health, right? WRONG.

Health is a weapon used by many of the BPs it seems, I believe to

lure you in. It plays up on fear and guilt. If its the BP's health

at stake - its guilt, and if its yours - fear. My husband and I have

been NC for about 2 months now and have found out that she is telling

people that he doesnt want to be around her anymore because he is an

alcoholic.

He's diabetic so the alcoholic tales tie right into his health and her

control issues. I can assure you he is not even close to an alcoholic

- he might have a couple beers with friends once a week, that's about

it. Its always something with her - about a year ago she was upset

that he had a consultation about repairing his deviated septum without

inviting her to go along.

Interestingly, my nada-in-law also has thyroid problems and has used

that in the past to " explain " her behavior. Unfortunately for her, I

have had my own thyroid removed and know for a fact that while your

thyroid can make you feel a bit depressed, it cannot MAKE you rage, it

cannot MAKE you alienate your children, and it cannot MAKE you

manipulate everyone around you.

We haven't had her use health yet to get us to play the game again,

but its just a matter of time I'm sure. After all we have only been

NC for 2 months.

> > > >

> > > > I just found this group, and indeed the name of this

condition, this

> > > > week. It's been surreal reading through the posts and reading

my own

> > > > life over and over...

> > > >

> > > > I never knew it had a name, and just assumed my mother was

depressed

> > > > and crazy in the " every day " sense (but suspecting that it was

> also my

> > > > inclination to be disdainful of those who let emotions take

> control -

> > > > " tinman " is a nickname my rugby team gave me after all - that

> made me

> > > > not willing to be the daughter she wanted (needed?) me to be). So

> > > > she's not diagnosed, but if she's not BPD, then she just shares

> about

> > > > 90% of the possible symptoms.

> > > >

> > > > Some details - I am 35. My mother is 59. My parents divorced

when I

> > > > was 4 years old (I am my mother's only child). My father

re-married

> > > > when I was 8, I have two half-brothers, and I now have a decent

> > > > relationship with that whole part of the family. I have been

married

> > > > for going on 7 years to a wonderful man who was the first

person to

> > > > make me feel like I was no longer on a team of 1 when it came to

> > > > dealing with my family. We have a one-year old son who makes

us both

> > > > laugh every day, and I enjoy being a mother more than I ever

> > > expected to.

> > > >

> > > > I haven't spoken to my mother in close to a year. There have

been a

> > > > couple of emails in that time (yes, I keep them...never thought

> of it

> > > > as " proof " , but yes that's what it is). She hasn't met her

> grandson.

> > > >

> > > > It started with his baptism (well of course, it started 30+ years

> > > > before that, but this was that proverbial straw)...my husband

and I

> > > > had decided we weren't having ANYone stay with us while our

son was

> > > > still so new. We were still learning how to be parents to an

infant

> > > > and had enough to worry about without dealing with house

guests. So,

> > > > knowing that my mother is on disability and doesn't have much

money,

> > > > we told her that for the baptism we'd pay for her to stay in a

hotel

> > > > nearby. This was apparently insulting to her - where was this

hotel?

> > > > How would she meet us before the baptism? When would she get

to have

> > > > special time for just her with our son? Did we expect her to

> find her

> > > > own dinner and breakfast on her own in a strange town? I was

really

> > > > doing this so we could have more time with my father wasn't I?

(she

> > > > was always into counting hours when it came to

> occasions/holidays that

> > > > they had to share as I was growing up), someday you'll know what

> it is

> > > > to be alone (nice thing to say to your kid, right? and FYI mom, I

> > > > won't because I won't alienate everyone I come in contact

> with)....on

> > > > and on, but then finally that she would " take any crumbs

offered " to

> > > > be able to meet her grandson who she already loved with all her

> heart.

> > > >

> > > > And for me and my husband, that pretty much did it - with the

amount

> > > > we'd bent over backward for her during our wedding, at holidays

> where

> > > > my in laws invited her every year, etc etc - I wrote back and

> told her

> > > > it sounded like she didn't want to come...or rather she said

she did

> > > > but she wanted to make sure we knew how much she felt wronged or

> > > > slighted in the process. I told her I understood that she felt as

> > > > though she was being mistreated, but just because she felt

that way

> > > > didn't make it true. I told her it was very difficult

communicating

> > > > with someone who seemed to be just one solid exposed nerve

ready to

> > > > feel hurt, and that it was exhausting for both me and my

husband and

> > > > the only thing we were willing to make ourselves exhausted for

> was our

> > > > son. So I suggested she stay home for this one, and said we'd call

> > > > when we next made a trip up to Mass (both my parents live in

> adjacent

> > > > towns in Massachusetts) and maybe we could set something up then.

> > > >

> > > > She responded with a protracted rant that ended with " I hope

> that you

> > > > are proud of yourself - because this is what you have wanted

> from the

> > > > beginning. You made your choices, I have now sadly made mine.

> > > > Goodbye. " So, we took her at her word and figured if she was

willing

> > > > to actually say " Goodbye " in print, then who were we to argue?

> > > >

> > > > There have been a few more emails since that time, because I

> (naively

> > > > perhaps) have continued to include her on links to pictures and

> videos

> > > > of our son...I didn't want to be petty or vengeful, and

figured she

> > > > would want to see them right? Of course the response was

" Don't you

> > > > think it hurts me to see pictures of my grandson with his other

> > > > grandparents? " ...I told her she could get them or not, it was her

> > > > choice. She said " no no, I'll take your crumbs " .

> > > >

> > > > Anyway, heard nothing for several months (the last email

> threatened to

> > > > contact my husband's family to tell them how she has been kept

from

> > > > seeing her grandson, and my husband emailed her telling her to

never

> > > > contact his family, they had been informed of everything that was

> > > > going on and had made their own decisions about contact with

her).

> > > >

> > > > Then got a phone call from my mother's aunt on Monday

evening...now

> > > > aunt is a very nice woman and one of the few people in my

> > > > mother's family who has always been nice to her (maybe has

something

> > > > to do with her living in Ohio?). Turns out my mother is having

(had)

> > > > surgery to remove her thyroid this morning, is the main

> contact

> > > > for the hospital, and she wanted me to know. Then she just told

> me to

> > > > take good care of myself and said goodbye.

> > > >

> > > > I don't know what to do with this information. My mother has

always

> > > > had some health crisis as far back as I can remember. She's

> sedentary

> > > > and morbidly obese, but of course to her these are the

results, and

> > > > not possibly the causes, of her ills. The litany of ailments

is too

> > > > long to go over here - for the last 10 years or so it has included

> > > > lupus as the catchall for everything that is wrong with her.

She has

> > > > " almost died " more than a few times, so that for the past decade

> or so

> > > > I completely tune out when she talks about going to the doctor

- my

> > > > husband and I refer to her as the " mom who cried wolf " . So I

vaguely

> > > > remember her talking about something with her thyroid - maybe

there

> > > > was a tumor, or some other growth, but not cancerous, but

> > > > invasive...who the hell knows? But her poor health is always an

> excuse

> > > > for her and a reason I should get sucked back in. And as harsh

as it

> > > > sounds, that's what this surgery thing seems like - a way for

her to

> > > > suck me back in. But then I look at that and it sounds so

> > > > self-centered on my part (as if a person could really have

> surgery to

> > > > " get at " someone)....but there was the time I was in college

> when she

> > > > OD'd on whatever meds she was on - she said it wasn't

> intentional, but

> > > > the way the ambulance knew to come to her house was that her

shrink

> > > > thought she'd do something to hurt herself after a conversation

> they'd

> > > > had on the phone. And that was also a time when I was clearly

> building

> > > > my own life at school.

> > > >

> > > > There's so much more, as you all apparently are all too familiar

> with.

> > > > But I was wondering if anyone else has experience with a BPD

parent

> > > > using health as a weapon in this way? And how do you reconcile

your

> > > > responsibilities to them? And add into that does anyone else

wonder

> > > > what your kids are going to say to you when they figure out

> there's a

> > > > grandparent they've never met?

> > > >

> > > > The good part is that I am actually okay - after realizing at

age 13

> > > > or so that I was way more together than my mom, I made big

> efforts to

> > > > choose my own life and way of dealing with people. And aside from

> > > > perhaps an overdeveloped sense of personal control over just about

> > > > everything, I'm good. I don't do therapy (have seen that

> suggested by

> > > > many, and that's great for people who it works for, but given

> that my

> > > > mother was a therapist - and my father at one point and my

> stepmother

> > > > too, for that matter - I'm pretty clear on it not being for

me), but

> > > > my husband and I have each other's backs, and that's what I need.

> > > >

> > > > Any insight on the health thing would be great - or any insight at

> > > > all. It's amazing to know I'm not just a girl who didn't grow

out of

> > > > some adolescent " I hate my mom " stage...

> > > >

> > > > Tinman

> > > >

> > >

> >

>