Re: Help! Easter is coming and the Guilt is rising! (Sorry its complicated).

[Guest guest]

Thank You Sojaco.

Sheila

> >

> >

> > I have not posted a personal issue for about 18 months but I

need this

> > group's collective wisdom and support now.

> >

> > Nada is 84 and in rapidly failing Health. In fact really doubt

that she

> > will be here 6 months from now. She is insisting on staying at

home (of

> > course, make everyone dance to her tune until the bitter end, as

> > always)! She has people who do her shopping and housework.

She has a

> > home health aide who comes 3 times a week to help her take a

shower. In

> > other words she has the help she needs including an emergency

call

> > system in her home.

> >

> > Easter is only one month away. I really do not want to visit

her. I

> > have absolutely NO support from my sister (we are not speaking)

and I am

> > on my own (in all ways). I am just now climbing out of a deep

> > depression that I sank into nearly 2 years ago after Dad

died. It has

> > been a difficult climb to say the least and the one thing that

helped me

> > the most was having limited contact with Nada. I live over 100

miles

> > away and I do not have a car. I am in a financial bind and it

is very

> > expensive to rent a car. I loath taking the bus. But the

bottom line

> > is I really do not want to visit her over Easter. To top it off

it will

> > be the 2 year anniversary of my Dad's death. I don't think I

can face

> > visiting her. It is like falling into an Emotional Black

Hole. I come

> > out of it even more exhausted and emotionally wrecked than when

I went

> > in. I am pretty sure my sister will be visiting at that time

as well

> > (the icing on my cake). I have visited Nada on nearly every

holiday /

> > family celebration since Dad passed. But now I just cannot face

it

> > anymore.

> >

> > In March I am working every weekend except Easter. I have a

Full time

> > and a casual part time job. I would not be able to visit Nada

until

> > April. Although I would prefer not to visit her at all. I have

> > tremendous guilt about not wanting to visit her. I have

tremendous

> > guilt about not wanting to do more for her. I have tremendous

guilt

> > about not liking her too. She has burned MANY bridges with

me. She

> > has publicly embarrassed me and made herself the laughing stock

of Dad's

> > colleagues. She became the stereotypical " Nutty (and Nasty)

old lady "

> > in our town. But she is fading fast now. I don't know if I

will ever

> > be able to make my Peace with her, she lacks the insight and

critical

> > thought needed for that. She is also an alcoholic and is " half

in the

> > bag " most of the time. She has mellowed a little (I think) but

I

> > absolutely do not trust her.

> >

> > I would appreciate your thoughts and insights please. I am at a

loss.

> >

> > Thank You,

> >

> > Sheila

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I have to agree. You have to ask yourself, " What good will come of

your visit on Easter? "

What are you looking for? Validation, connection, peace, closure?

Will you receive any of those things from your ailing mother?

I (for one) know my mother's been ailing in health (on her deathbed)

for 30+ years. She's told me all about her impending death and how

much I'll regret not coming to see her on holidays. I've been

guilted into so much and then kicked myself for complying

aferwards. I've learned that distance (boundaries) are healthy and

appropriate. I don't have to comply with my nada's requests because

of guilt (or worse yet SHAME). She's shamed me into compliance so

many times it actually hurts...

Why don't you take care of yourself and spend time doing something

that you can cherish on Easter? It's okay to take care of yourself

and do something positive (although, I can understand where you're

coming from and the guilt that you feel).

Spend time with people you do trust. Make connections with people

who love and support you. You're worth it!

Easter should be a celebration of REBIRTH and RENEWAL. Perhaps,

this is your year to rejuvenate and acknowledge your own growth.

Don't let the guilt rise.

Let your SPIRIT rise and celebrate life!

Have a wonderful day!

Smiles,

Dolly