seeking guidance BPD mother

February 12, 2008

Hi Everyone,

I have posted a few times but just to remind all. I have a BPD mother

(she doesn't accept this diagnoses at all and wont even discuss it with

anyone...this is what I believe is the case). She is 45 and a widow and

lives about 3 hrs away from me. We have been NC for about a month and

LC on and off the last several years but again consistently since

November.

So here is the situation. It is my birthday on Thursday and i received

a gift from her in the mail today and a card that just said " Happy bday

love mom. " I don't plan on calling or emailing a thank you as I am sure

that will not lead to anything good. My fiance suggested sending a note

snail mail...that way I dont have to hear any response. Last year was

the same situation...we were hardly talking on my birthday but she

called that day. We talked and that led to us talking again. Its just

difficult because she is so good at being a " normal " sweet mom...is

anyone's else's NADA like that on occasion? Also I will be going to my

hometown over the weekend to have dinner with my grandparents and

(biological) father but I am not planning to let her know or see her at

all--luckily they live about 30minutes apart. It feels so strange to

drive home and realize I am not going " home. " I completely understand

the feeling of losing your roots.

So I am just seeking reassurance on the sitaution.

Also later this evening I have a counseling appt. with my fiance. We

have a vert strong relationship but we have had such a difficult time

lately. I am always the one to instigate arguments and it is mainly

over issues of jealousy. I feel very insecure with everything and I

think its because I feel a true sense of loss. I know for my own well

being that this NC has to be permanent. So its hard to think about

your " mom " not being a part of your wedding, especially when my sister

got married 4 months ago and she managed to be pretty good there. So

the issue now that is causing so much stress is that my fiance gets

defensive when I have (irrational but very present) feelings of

jealousy. He really wants to be supportive and help me get through

this...agreeing to go to counseling is a big deal for him. So I am just

wondering if other people have struggled with relationship issues and

what you felt helped the most. I feel like I am now trying so hard to

protect myself from being hurt...especially by the people who love me.

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