Re: How to be your own mother

[Guest guest]

First post here, as this is an issue that hits close to home for me. I have benefitted a lot from using imagery to " go back in time " and provide care and support to the younger version of myself, who was left out in the cold somewhat during an extremely difficult time.  I made a little statue of my adult self sitting with her arm around my 13 year-old self, I wrote her a letter, and sometimes when something good happens in my life I mentally tell her about it-- " Did you ever imagine life would turn out this good? Hang in there, kid! "

Not sure why exactly, but it has made a big difference in easing some of the negative programming left over from those out-in-the-cold days.  And it has helped me have compassion for myself when I observe myself acting out that bad programming.

 

This is a repost as I didnt get any responses. I think it got buried but it could have been nonone had any input but i am trying again.

Acceptance for me has become a way of life. My question has to do with the hope to heal ourselves. Mother yourselves, was commneted on an earlier Easter post .

While, I have read some inner bounding material, I find that I am having a hard time feeling like a

mother would. Except I dont know what the loving mother is?

I know my job as a mother was to build my childerns self esteem, the teacher role and the provider to fufill their physical and emotional needs. Maybe what I am missing is the know how to express a mothering love. Any suggestions for picking what my mother would be like? I think i have to train the one inside.

I have never said that out in the open before. It feels good and scary to be

found out. Another thing to learn in jus a few words gone by.

Lin

-- Hibberd, M. A.University of Missouri-Saint LouisCommunity Psychological ServicesOne University BoulevardSt. Louis, MO 63121Saint Louis, MO

[Guest guest]

Hi , thank you for your post and Lin for your original post. I have also

found great benefit in going back to be the adult for myself as a child. I have

never thought to have a statue or figurine. I can't make one for myself...but

hopefully I will be able to find one. wanda in albuquerque

[Guest guest]

Hi Lin,As I was trying to decide how to respond to your original post, something came up and I never got back to your question. In a way, I know what I want in a mother, because I did experience mothering in a limited, scattered sense. When I fell down and scraped my knee, my mom gathered me in her arms, made soothing sounds, put ointment and a band-aid on my knee, gave me a hug and a cookie, and dried my tears. Little did I know that she could do all that and still abandon us later. So mothering includes but goes beyond sympathy and comforting. Then when I got into a foster home, I got a different kind of mothering. None of that loving attention was there when I fell down and hurt my knee. I was expected to not cry and be stoic. But if I needed medical attention, I got it, even though the hugs and cookies weren't forthcoming. So mothering includes but goes beyond providing what is needed.If mothering is not just comforting, and not just providing, it must be more than those things, even though it includes those things. In my mind, it means being with your child through thick and thin, comforting, providing, loving, supporting, and never leaving - no matter what. When I need to be mothered, I just imagine what I would want if I had the best mother in the world. And I give that to myself. I always buy myself a birthday present or a Christmas present, even if no one else does. I honor myself on Mothers Day. I have sent myself flowers with a note signed "I love you." Just like a perfect mother would.HelenaTo: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 11:33:57 AMSubject: How to be your own mother

This is a repost as I didnt get any responses. I think it got buried but it could have been nonone had any input but i am trying again.

Acceptance for me has become a way of life. My question has to do with the hope to heal ourselves. Mother yourselves, was commneted on an earlier Easter post .

While, I have read some inner bounding material, I find that I am having a hard time feeling like a

mother would. Except I dont know what the loving mother is?

I know my job as a mother was to build my childerns self esteem, the teacher role and the provider to fufill their physical and emotional needs. Maybe what I am missing is the know how to express a mothering love. Any suggestions for picking what my mother would be like? I think i have to train the one inside.

I have never said that out in the open before. It feels good and scary to be

found out. Another thing to learn in jus a few words gone by.

Lin

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the postings. I too like the statue. I would have avoided a mother

/daughter statue at one time. Yet, I get the use of the symbol for myself.

Having something to symbolize with seems to have its benefit. Its helps to

facilitate that your trying to give yourself something you didnt have. I am a

visual learner and thinker.

Changing the meaning the word mother might have become to you. My mother is

kind, loving and wants to be with me forever. ummmm I like her.

I didnt have much in the way of motherly figures growing up. I was kind of shut

down in survivial mode.I suppose grandmotherly type people you might meet along

the way could offer input into what a mother may act, feel and even look like.

As I write look like, I picture how my mother looked mean and never looked at me

in the face. She still doesnt. But my new mother is smiling with gentleness

coming through her eyes, face and hands.

All this can be said for fathers also. Can contact with older people

fufill part of the missing self

Lin

>

> Hi Lin,

>

>

> As I was trying to decide how to respond to your original post, something came

up and I never got back to your question. In a way, I know what I want in a

mother, because I did experience mothering in a limited, scattered sense. When I

fell down and scraped my knee, my mom gathered me in her arms, made soothing

sounds, put ointment and a band-aid on my knee, gave me a hug and a cookie, and

dried my tears. Little did I know that she could do all that and still abandon

us later. So mothering includes but goes beyond sympathy and comforting.

>

>

> Then when I got into a foster home, I got a different kind of mothering. None

of that loving attention was there when I fell down and hurt my knee. I was

expected to not cry and be stoic. But if I needed medical attention, I got it,

even though the hugs and cookies weren't forthcoming. So mothering includes but

goes beyond providing what is needed.

>

>

> If mothering is not just comforting, and not just providing, it must be more

than those things, even though it includes those things. In my mind, it means

being with your child through thick and thin, comforting, providing, loving,

supporting, and never leaving - no matter what.

>

>

> When I need to be mothered, I just imagine what I would want if I had the best

mother in the world. And I give that to myself. I always buy myself a birthday

present or a Christmas present, even if no one else does. I honor myself on

Mothers Day. I have sent myself flowers with a note signed " I love you. " Just

like a perfect mother would.

>

>

> Helena

>

> How to be your own mother

>

>

>

>

>

>

> This is a repost as I didnt get any responses. I think it got buried but it

could have been nonone had any input but i am trying again.

>

> Acceptance for me has become a way of life. My question has to do with the

hope to heal ourselves. Mother yourselves, was commneted on an earlier Easter

post .

> While, I have read some inner bounding material, I find that I am having a

hard time feeling like a

> mother would. Except I dont know what the loving mother is?

>

> I know my job as a mother was to build my childerns self esteem, the teacher

role and the provider to fufill their physical and emotional needs. Maybe what I

am missing is the know how to express a mothering love. Any suggestions for

picking what my mother would be like? I think i have to train the one inside.

>

> I have never said that out in the open before. It feels good and scary to be

> found out. Another thing to learn in jus a few words gone by.

>

> Lin

>