[WTOAdultChildren1MY FIRST THERAPY SESSION

[Guest guest]

Karla,

Why does he want you to contact her???

drlingirl

[Guest guest]

Not sure to be honest. He just said that this can not continue and that by not

calling her i am letting her win in the sense that now she has bad stuff to say

about me.

Re: [WTOAdultChildren1MY FIRST THERAPY SESSION

Karla,

Why does he want you to contact her???

drlingirl

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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[Guest guest]

You are doing a great job with the situation you were dealt with. I

have had people in my life kill themselves and I found that after I

am sad......I am MAD!!!

Please don't give up on finding the right therapist. When you do

find the right one you will know. They are like an old friend who

listens, and understands.

I'm sorry that your kids are in so much pain, they obviously love

her very much. She is sick though and they need to know that. You

can only hope that she will see your NC as a huge wake up call and

get herself some help. Don't feel guilty about her being so

upset.....she should be.....and she needs to be to hit rock bottom.

ADD.......are you kidding me??? Sounds like a PROJECTION!!!

Your doing great Karla, hang in here, keep posting.....drlingirl

> >

> > Not sure to be honest. He just said that this can not continue

> and that by not calling her i am letting her win in the sense that

> now she has bad stuff to say about me.

> >

> >

> > Re: [WTOAdultChildren1M Y FIRST

> THERAPY SESSION

> >

> > Karla,

> >

> > Why does he want you to contact her???

> >

> > drlingirl

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

> ____________ ___

> > Be a better friend, newshound, and

> > know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

> http://mobile. yahoo.com/ ;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR 8HDtDypao8Wcj9tA cJ

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Karla -- I'd be suspect of a therapist who recommends I do that

after the first session. I think his job is to find out what YOU

are comfortable doing, and WHY.

If you are not comfortable with the advice this guy's giving, then

keep looking -- OR, next time you can say " I'm not comfortable

calling my mom just to do it, and I'm a little surprised that that's

the first thing you told me to do. I'd like to talk about it more. "

I've had 2 therapists that I didn't care for -- and two that I

loved. Personal chemistry is important -- you're unburdening your

deepest emotions! You need to feel safe doing that.

-Kyla

> > >

> > > You need to get out of there. You're too enmeshed in this

> > > emotionally volatile and unhealthy situation. (I read your

> other

> > > post before I read this one.)

> > >

> > > You need to live your own life. I think on some level, you

know

> > > that. The prospect of living on your own must scare you

because

> > 1)

> > > you've stayed in this situation for the last 5 years, and 2)

you

> > > keep wanting to change THEM so that it would be easier to

stay,

> > > instead of looking at the natural option to leave and strike

out

> > on

> > > your own. It's just easier to manage them, right?

> > >

> > > If I were you, I'd take the time to ask myself: Is this the

> life

> > > you want? The preferred victim of a BPD father? Getting into

> > daily

> > > arguments with a man whose emotional age is that of an angry

> > > child?

> > >

> > > There's a big world out there just waiting for you to go out

and

> > > take a bite out of it. Why retreat from it and settle for this

> > > insanity? Maybe a good therapist can help you sort out what is

> > > scaring you about living on your own.

> > >

> > > Sure, it looks like you've got a free place to live -- but

even

> > your

> > > computer is in their house, making you further enmeshed with

> > them.

> > > It seems you've settled for this living arrangement at a HUGE

> cost

> > > to your well-being, emotional health and sanity, which is

> > priceless.

> > >

> > > It's as if you've faded into the background of their life.

What

> > > about YOUR life? You were born with the basic human right of

> > having

> > > your own life in the world -- every human being is created

with

> > > special talents and gifts, and there is a life out there

waiting

> > for

> > > you that uses your talents and gifts. The aspects of you that

> > make

> > > you unique -- that make you YOU. I hate to see it buried

> beneath

> > > the overpowering presence of a BPD.

> > >

> > > -Kyla

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_______________

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kyla,

I agree with you. I am not comfortable with this guy at all. Have been doing

research today and having a hard time finding a therapist close by. But I will

keep looking and hope to find someone who knows what they are talking about

Thanks!

Re: [WTOAdultChildren1MY FIRST THERAPY SESSION

Karla -- I'd be suspect of a therapist who recommends I do that

after the first session. I think his job is to find out what YOU

are comfortable doing, and WHY.

If you are not comfortable with the advice this guy's giving, then

keep looking -- OR, next time you can say " I'm not comfortable

calling my mom just to do it, and I'm a little surprised that that's

the first thing you told me to do. I'd like to talk about it more. "

I've had 2 therapists that I didn't care for -- and two that I

loved. Personal chemistry is important -- you're unburdening your

deepest emotions! You need to feel safe doing that.

-Kyla

> > >

> > > You need to get out of there. You're too enmeshed in this

> > > emotionally volatile and unhealthy situation. (I read your

> other

> > > post before I read this one.)

> > >

> > > You need to live your own life. I think on some level, you

know

> > > that. The prospect of living on your own must scare you

because

> > 1)

> > > you've stayed in this situation for the last 5 years, and 2)

you

> > > keep wanting to change THEM so that it would be easier to

stay,

> > > instead of looking at the natural option to leave and strike

out

> > on

> > > your own. It's just easier to manage them, right?

> > >

> > > If I were you, I'd take the time to ask myself: Is this the

> life

> > > you want? The preferred victim of a BPD father? Getting into

> > daily

> > > arguments with a man whose emotional age is that of an angry

> > > child?

> > >

> > > There's a big world out there just waiting for you to go out

and

> > > take a bite out of it. Why retreat from it and settle for this

> > > insanity? Maybe a good therapist can help you sort out what is

> > > scaring you about living on your own.

> > >

> > > Sure, it looks like you've got a free place to live -- but

even

> > your

> > > computer is in their house, making you further enmeshed with

> > them.

> > > It seems you've settled for this living arrangement at a HUGE

> cost

> > > to your well-being, emotional health and sanity, which is

> > priceless.

> > >

> > > It's as if you've faded into the background of their life.

What

> > > about YOUR life? You were born with the basic human right of

> > having

> > > your own life in the world -- every human being is created

with

> > > special talents and gifts, and there is a life out there

waiting

> > for

> > > you that uses your talents and gifts. The aspects of you that

> > make

> > > you unique -- that make you YOU. I hate to see it buried

> beneath

> > > the overpowering presence of a BPD.

> > >

> > > -Kyla

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

____________ ___

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile. yahoo.com/ ;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR 8HDtDypao8Wcj9tA cJ

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> Wha? You need to contact your mother right away? Does that feel

right to you?

That's a great question to ask about advice from any therapist. I'm

getting alot from these posts on therapists. I went to a collection

of them over the years and none of them scratched the surface. I am

not slamming the profession but I feel like I've gotten more

validation reading these posts than I have from all the therapists

I've been to combined. The very most a few of them did was model an

appropriate parental reaction to certain things that had happened.

But there was no unifying thread they could give me about 'why'

these interactions with my parents were so insane. And of course the

pattern was bound to repeat, dooming me to perpetual therapy. I did

a lot of work on myself in 12 step recovery. I learned I

was 'powerless' over their behavior but it still didn't

explain 'why'. It always told me to look at my own behavior, and

that if we are bothered by someone's behavior/traits it's because we

have the same traits ourselves, i.e. 'you spot it, you got it'. I

always had trouble with that last one, and now I know why. I know I

will never 'make sense' of the behavior but knowing it has a name

and a pattern is immensely helpful. I feel so empowered after just

learning about this and reading in these groups that I can't even

believe it. I was reading about the different developmental theories

in my course book yesterday and after reading on the bpdcentral site

I was kind of piecing things together, just wondering which

developmental stage my father (and mother to a lesser degree, even

though her childhood was a nightmare) is stuck at. It helps me to

think of them as undeveloped children. I feel like I've been given

just a little of my power back. It's strange to me that there are

all these really great names in developmental theory, Piaget,

kson, (they don't mention Freud very much at all though) yet

therapists aren't being trained to understand arrested development

through that lens.

I guess your post and the one you are responding to touched a chord

because I had a disagreement with a therapist that I really liked

about 7 years ago. I knew he was just flat wrong about something,

and I wouldn't back down. He wouldn't either, so I stopped going,

because he couldn't honor what I was telling him about my own

experience. Other than that he was a great guy, but I knew he

couldn't help me if he wouldn't listen to me knowing what was right

for me.

[Guest guest]

Lots of replies already...no time to read them all, so sorry if I'm

repeating.

Sometimes it takes a while to find a therapist that is a good fit for

you. I agree that this guy ISN'T.

Randi Kreger (SWOE author) has a good article on questions to ask when

looking for a therapist who is knowledgeable about BPD. Check out

http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/therapist/main.php . (Sometimes

when we post links, it doesn't highlight the whole thing, so if you

click and it doesn't work, just cut and paste it into your browser.)

Good luck =)

[Guest guest]

Karla --

When I read your therapist's reasoning behind telling you to call

your mother right away ( " He just said that this can not continue and

that by not calling her i am letting her win in the sense that now

she has bad stuff to say about me. " ), my head just about exploded!

Sure, he's human and he's entitled to his opinion, but I think one

of the cornerstones of damage that our BPD parents did to us was the

thought that we needed to be afraid that the BPD would talk bad

about us, thereby keeping us in a type of emotional bondage. Once

the BPD KNOWS we're afraid they'll talk bad about us, POOF!, they've

got a weapon to threaten us with and keep us quiet!

Just about every poster here has a story to tell about how, after

they stood up to their BPD mom or dad, that mom or dad then went

around to try and rally support from the rest of the family by

talking bad about us. As long as we harbor fear of that, they've

got us by the neck. The only way we can be FREE is to finally say

ENOUGH!! to that emotional blackmail.

You should do what you feel comfortable doing -- and if that means

going back to that therapist, then I support you. But as for me? I

wouldn't go back there. He's obviously blinded by " obligation " to

parents -- no matter the cost to your integrity.

I'm sure he's not a bad guy -- he just doesn't have the right

mindset to deal with the baggage carried by us KOs. In my

experience with my therapist, she is incredibly good at it -- and

supports me living my own life, free of emotional blackmail at the

hands of my parents.

I think this therapist and you are not a match. If I may be so

bold -- KEEP LOOKING.

-Kyla