Re: Re: mind trap

[Guest guest]

Hi Rajesh,

I don't see assertiveness so much as a value but as a personal trait that might help you to achieve what you value. For example, if you value connection with others (most of us do), then assertive would help you to live according to the value of connection with others; someone who is shy and fearful might have a hard time connecting with others. For those with children, being a good parent is most likely an important value. So being engaged in their children's lives, listening to them, and spending one-on-one time with them are all "things to do" that help them express the value of being a good parent.

For me, one of my values is "living healthy" - my thanks to who suggested that term instead of "being healthy." We may not be able to BE healthy, but we can choose to live healthy, even if our health is poor. To express my value of living healthy, I exercise, make wise food choices, learn how to handle stress, etc.

The bottom line, to me, is this: To determine your values, ask yourself what is important to you in life. Be careful not to list a goal, such as getting a college degree, because a goal is a way of getting to what you value - it is not the value itself. Getting a college degree may help you in your value of being open to learning, being financially independent, etc. The value does not have a time-line or a due date; it is never "finished" - although you may change or tweak your values as you live life and change your perspective on some things. Also, it is not so much a particular personal attribute, such as the one you mention of assertiveness; it is deeper than that.

On your tombstone, would you want it written:

- "He was a great father and a good friend"? or "He was assertive"

- "He was a fabulous teacher" or "He got a PhD"?

- "He was kind to everyone" or "He gave $$$ to charity?"

The first example in each line listed above indicate values; the second example on each line indicate some of the things he did (or traits he had) to help him live according to those values.

Hope this helps a little.

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, June 1, 2012 9:39:36 AMSubject: Re: mind trap

I want to go one step ahead. It is said in pain lies your value.then my pain is that i am not able to chose anything with conviction . Can anyone shed more light and show what could be the list of values be. I start the first guess 1. Could assertivness be a value

[Guest guest]

I forgot to address the issue of pain. I agree that pain does indicate where your values lie. If your daughter is angry with you or runs away from home, it hurts, because you value being a loving mother. Same thing within a marriage - husband and wife feel pain when they are fighting or if one wants to leave the other - the value of connection with others is threatened. If you are a professor and sharing your knowledge with others is a value, then a poor rating from your students will cause you much pain. If you value learning and cannot afford books or a computer, that would hurt, too. If you value financial independence but are in a position of needing charity from others to meet your needs, that, too, is painful.

....just some exampes.

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, June 1, 2012 9:39:36 AMSubject: Re: mind trap

I want to go one step ahead. It is said in pain lies your value.then my pain is that i am not able to chose anything with conviction . Can anyone shed more light and show what could be the list of values be. I start the first guess 1. Could assertivness be a value

[Guest guest]

The way I selected my values might help you, because any choices are rather hidden / indirect in the process. xStep 1: Get a pencil and a pack of index cards.Step 2: Brainstorm all the activities you can think of that nourish you. Things past, present or imagined future. Things that make you feel that all is right with the world, things that give you contentment and peace, things that you dream of doing, things that give you a little half-smile as you think about them. However little, trivial, or however grand and exciting. Write them all down. The only restriction is to make sure that they are "doing"

statements - activities and actions. Take your time over it. Step 3: Make a drink.Step 4: Come back to your pile of index cards and have a read through. Make sure they are all 'activities' of a sort - ie things you can do, or actions you can undertake. If you think you've missed anything, write it down. You can come up with as many as you feel you have inside you. Don't worry if some seem to repeat themselves.Step 5: Start putting your index cards into piles of similar themes. Take your time, but don't agonise over it, just group them in whatever way seems natural. You can have cards on their own if they don't fit anywhere else. Step 6: Give each pile a label

based on the cards within them. 'Playful father'; 'Reading and relaxing'; 'Meeting friends'; 'Community activism'; 'My Christian Faith'; "Loving husband"; "Exploring the countryside" etcStep 7: See if these labels would make good themes for your values. You could try turning them into value statements, along the lines of the ACT books. If there are too many of them, the size of the pile might indicate how important each is to you (I have a huge number in my "Playful Father" pile). Step 8: Whenever you are unsure of what actions you could take towards your values, take a look at what you wrote down in that particular pile. They could stimulate some thoughts about what steps you could take. To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Friday, 1 June 2012, 14:39 Subject: Re: mind trap

I want to go one step ahead. It is said in pain lies your value.then my pain is that i am not able to chose anything with conviction . Can anyone shed more light and show what could be the list of values be. I start the first guess

1. Could assertivness be a value

[Guest guest]

Yeah, well put Helena.  I would add that the pain a parent feels when daughter is angry might just be love of daughter and have little to do with value of being a loving parent.

 

I forgot to address the issue of pain.  I agree that pain does indicate where your values lie.  If your daughter is angry with you or runs away from home, it hurts, because you value being a loving mother.  Same thing within a marriage - husband and wife feel pain when they are fighting or if one wants to leave the other - the value of connection with others is threatened.  If you are a professor and sharing your knowledge with others is a value, then a poor rating from your students will cause you much pain.  If you value learning and cannot afford books or a computer, that would hurt, too.  If you value financial independence but are in a position of needing charity from others to meet your needs, that, too, is painful.

 

....just some exampes.

 

Helena

To: " ACT for the Public " <ACT_for_the_Public >

Sent: Friday, June 1, 2012 9:39:36 AMSubject: Re: mind trap

 

I want to go one step ahead. It is said in pain lies your value.then my pain is that i am not able to chose anything with conviction . Can anyone shed more light and show what could be the list of values be. I start the first guess

1. Could assertivness be a value

[Guest guest]

Huh?To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, June 1, 2012 7:02:47 PMSubject: Re: mind trap

I think values gravitate towards the direction of love, which contains altruism. Pain arises when the mind appraises phenomenon in direct correlation to the ego. If the mind do not grasp on that ego-centric perspective (a natural functioning), other perspectives of that phenomenon can be derived (from other parts of the mind).When we are able to observe within us, which part of our mind is feeling the anger or pain, resolutions to these emotions will arise.We will also realize that ownership of being a loving person isn't a value, only the action is.TC>> > > I forgot to address the issue of pain. I agree that  pain does indicate where your values lie. If your daughter is angry with you or runs away from home , it hurts, because you value being a loving mother. Same thing within a marriage - husband and wife feel pain when they are fighting or if one wan ts t o leave the other - the value of connection with others is threatened. If you are a professor and sharing your knowledge with others is a value, then a poor rating from your students will cause you much pain. If you value learning and cannot afford books or a computer, that would hurt , too. If you value financial inde pendence but are in a position of needing charity from others to meet your needs, that, too,  is painful. > > > > ...just some exampes. > > > > Helena > > > > Re: mind trap > >  > > > > > I want to go one step ahead. It is said in pain lies your value.then my pain is that i am not able to chose anything with conviction . Can anyone shed more light and show what could be the list of values be. I start the first guess > 1. Could assertivness be a value>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for further explaining - and I apologize for the rather rude "huh?" I agree that some pain can arise from not attaining goals - but not all pain. Values don't cause pain, per se, but when we notice what our pain is about, we also notice what is important to us, and that can lead us to articulate our values. As human beings, we all want and crave things from the time we are born. It is only when we mature that we learn that achievement and possession do not lead to happiness. Have you read The Happiness Trap by Russ , TC? I highly recommend it; it goes into this concept - what happiness is an is not - skillfully and logically.I'm not sure what you mean by "resolutions to emotions." I don't see emotions as things to be resolved or worked out or changed. They simply need to be acknowledged for what they are - a byproduct of being human, in a sense - and allow them to be there (since they will be anyway) and go about the business of living according to our values - not matter what our emotions are telling us. To me, happiness is not the goal or desired end result. I think contentment is a better word - being OK with whatever IS. Of course, that doesn't mean we just lay back and say "que sera sera, whatever will be will be" about everything in life. There are causes worth fighting for (which may vary from person to person). But when we lay our heads on our respective pillows at night, we should be able to say "I did my best today. Whatever will be will be." I can't say that very often, because I often DON'T do my best. I am a flawed human being. But I try, and being able to map out my values and try to live that way is hugely helpful and important in living my best.Sorry this got so long; sounds like a sermon! And I haven't even had my first cup of coffee this morning yet. I can tell my mind is already racing, as it was yesterday. Down, girl!HelenaFrom: " Chan" <thomas_c_st@....sg>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, June 1, 2012 11:29:44 PMSubject: Re: mind trap

I think pain arises from not gaining goals. Values are unattainable,therefore cannot cause pain.Wanting or craving to achieve, possess or gain something, status, affection, knowledge, etc, will end in short-lived joy/happiness or pain (may escalate to depression) depending on outcome.TC > > > > > > > > I forgot to address the issue of pain. I agree that  pain does indicate where your values lie. If your daughter is angry with you or runs away from home , it hurts, because you value being a loving mother. Same thing within a marriage - husband and wife feel pain when they are fighting or if one wan ts t o leave the other - the value of connection with others is threatened. If you are a professor and sharing your knowledge with others is a value, then a poor rating from your students will cause you much pain. If you value learning and cannot afford books or a computer, that would hurt , too. If you value financial inde pendence but are in a position of needing charity from others to meet your needs, that, too,  is painful. > > > > > > > > ...just some exampes. > > > > > > > > Helena > > > > > > > > Re: mind trap > > > >  > > > > > > > > > > I want to go one step ahead. It is said in pain lies your value.then my pain is that i am not able to chose anything with conviction . Can anyone shed more light and show what could be the list of values be. I start the first guess > > 1. Could assertivness be a value > >>

[Guest guest]

I think it's great, too, ! I approached my values more intuitively, however -- by closing my eyes and kind of "day dreaming" about them after meditating myself into a state of mindfulness, if you will. You'd think the logical, step-by-step process would appeal to me more, since I was a computer programmer and I approach most issues that way! I guess my method was more of a distributed processing technique - allowing the sub processes of my mind feed my thoughts. I did have to write them down eventually - attach words to my values to make them real to me. Otherwise, I would just float along in a dreamy state and never "do" anything.HelenaTo: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, June 2, 2012 3:33:57 AMSubject: Re: Re: mind trap

Thanks for this , it is great. This moment is the third time I've clicked it today. Finally got to printing it. My mind just loves lists so your stage based 'step 1, step 2...etc...approach is very apealing to me. Cheers, To: "ACT_for_the_Public " <ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Saturday, 2 June 2012 12:28 AM Subject: Re: Re: mind trap

The way I selected my values might help you, because any choices are rather hidden / indirect in the process. xStep 1: Get a pencil and a pack of index cards.Step 2: Brainstorm all the activities you can think of that nourish you. Things past, present or imagined future. Things that make you feel that all is right with the world, things that give you contentment and peace, things that you dream of doing, things that give you a little half-smile as you think about them. However little, trivial, or however grand and exciting. Write them all down. The only restriction is to make sure that

they are "doing"

statements - activities and actions. Take your time over it. Step 3: Make a drink.Step 4: Come back to your pile of index cards and have a read through. Make sure they are all 'activities' of a sort - ie things you can do, or actions you can undertake. If you think you've missed anything, write it down. You can come up with as many as you feel you have inside you. Don't worry if some seem to repeat themselves.Step 5: Start putting your index cards into piles of similar themes. Take your time, but don't agonise over it, just group them in whatever way seems natural. You can have cards on their own if they don't fit anywhere else. Step 6: Give each pile a label

based on the cards within them. 'Playful father'; 'Reading and relaxing'; 'Meeting friends'; 'Community activism'; 'My Christian Faith'; "Loving husband"; "Exploring the countryside" etcStep 7: See if these labels would make good themes for your values. You could try turning them into value statements, along the lines of the ACT books. If there are too many of them, the size of the pile might indicate how important each is to you (I have a huge number in my "Playful Father" pile). Step 8: Whenever you are unsure of what actions you could take towards your values, take a look at what you wrote down in that particular pile. They could stimulate some thoughts about what steps you could take. To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Friday, 1 June 2012, 14:39 Subject: Re: mind trap

I want to go one step ahead. It is said in pain lies your value.then my pain is that i am not able to chose anything with conviction . Can anyone shed more light and show what could be the list of values be. I start the first guess

1. Could assertivness be a value

[Guest guest]

I think it's great, too, ! I approached my values more intuitively, however -- by closing my eyes and kind of "day dreaming" about them after meditating myself into a state of mindfulness, if you will. You'd think the logical, step-by-step process would appeal to me more, since I was a computer programmer and I approach most issues that way! I guess my method was more of a distributed processing technique - allowing the sub processes of my mind feed my thoughts. I did have to write them down eventually - attach words to my values to make them real to me. Otherwise, I would just float along in a dreamy state and never "do" anything.HelenaTo: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Saturday, June 2, 2012 3:33:57 AMSubject: Re: Re: mind trap

Thanks for this , it is great. This moment is the third time I've clicked it today. Finally got to printing it. My mind just loves lists so your stage based 'step 1, step 2...etc...approach is very apealing to me. Cheers, To: "ACT_for_the_Public " <ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Saturday, 2 June 2012 12:28 AM Subject: Re: Re: mind trap

The way I selected my values might help you, because any choices are rather hidden / indirect in the process. xStep 1: Get a pencil and a pack of index cards.Step 2: Brainstorm all the activities you can think of that nourish you. Things past, present or imagined future. Things that make you feel that all is right with the world, things that give you contentment and peace, things that you dream of doing, things that give you a little half-smile as you think about them. However little, trivial, or however grand and exciting. Write them all down. The only restriction is to make sure that

they are "doing"

statements - activities and actions. Take your time over it. Step 3: Make a drink.Step 4: Come back to your pile of index cards and have a read through. Make sure they are all 'activities' of a sort - ie things you can do, or actions you can undertake. If you think you've missed anything, write it down. You can come up with as many as you feel you have inside you. Don't worry if some seem to repeat themselves.Step 5: Start putting your index cards into piles of similar themes. Take your time, but don't agonise over it, just group them in whatever way seems natural. You can have cards on their own if they don't fit anywhere else. Step 6: Give each pile a label

based on the cards within them. 'Playful father'; 'Reading and relaxing'; 'Meeting friends'; 'Community activism'; 'My Christian Faith'; "Loving husband"; "Exploring the countryside" etcStep 7: See if these labels would make good themes for your values. You could try turning them into value statements, along the lines of the ACT books. If there are too many of them, the size of the pile might indicate how important each is to you (I have a huge number in my "Playful Father" pile). Step 8: Whenever you are unsure of what actions you could take towards your values, take a look at what you wrote down in that particular pile. They could stimulate some thoughts about what steps you could take. To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Friday, 1 June 2012, 14:39 Subject: Re: mind trap

I want to go one step ahead. It is said in pain lies your value.then my pain is that i am not able to chose anything with conviction . Can anyone shed more light and show what could be the list of values be. I start the first guess

1. Could assertivness be a value