Re: by way of introduction/wedding story

[Guest guest]

kt...

Twisted is a great word for it, lol. It's still one

of those things where I think " Did she really DO

that? " But yeah, she did!

Basically...I was engaged to someone for over a year,

then called the wedding off about a year before our

scheduled date (which would have been Sept 4, 2004).

The decision to call that wedding off was a good one,

but obviously there's some anger and hurt that go

along with it. Only comment from my mother on it was

that he was " such a sweet man " that anyone who let him

go was an idiot. Fast forward to Feb 2004...she lets

me know that she finally got her Catholic anullment

from my dad. She'd been dating this guy from the

internet for several years...I'd met him once for 30

seconds...and she'd told me all along that once the

anullment was through she and this guy would start

planning their wedding. Ironically, when she had

first started talking about that I had joked with some

friends " I bet you ten bucks she plans her wedding for

my wedding weekend! " So when she gave me the

anullment news, I emailed her and asked her to keep me

posted on the wedding date so that I wouldn't make

other plans. She responded angrily that they didn't

even had a ring yet, hadn't set a date, blah blah blah

but probably in the fall. I tried to respond calmly

and also added that if it made any difference, the

only weekend I was unavailble was the first weekend in

September...I had unchangeable plans (my

would-have-been bridesmaids and I had all bought plane

tickets to go visit my would-have-been-maid-of-honor

and my friends had never met the maid of honor). She

immediately emailed me back...less than an HOUR after

getting angry at me for asking if they had a date

yet...that Sept 4 was the wedding date. I had a

roommate then and she was more hurt than I allowed

myself to be. Later that week my mother pulled the

whole " we are really hurt you won't change your plans,

we could reimburse you for your plane ticket "

thing...but I had several friends who would also need

their tickets reimbursed, you know? If they had known

the girl we were going to visit, it would have been

one thing....but they didn't know her! Then my mother

tried to claim that that was the ONLY day that the

church, the restaurant, and the priest they were

bringing in were all available. Well, I checked. The

church and restaurant were both available every

weekend in September. So what it really boiled down

to was this random priest (why they couldn't use the

parish priest, I don't know) and his availability.

And, to be honest, I don't know if she was even

telling the truth about his availability. I emailed

her back again, letting her know that I respected her

right to choose her priorities for her wedding but

that she needed to be honest with herself and everyone

else. It came down to a choice between this priest

being there or her daughter being there and she chose

the priest. That's absolutely her right to

decide...but to go around crying and raging to

everyone about me not going? Wrong to do. Right

after the wedding date selection I started getting

calls from my dad and brother and cousin...all yelling

at me. My mother had told them that I threw a tantrum

and was refusing to come to the wedding because I

claimed Sept 4 as " MY " day. So they were all like

" It's HER Day now, get over it. " I was stunned...and

got caught up in trying to defend myself. I lost the

real issue in that...that she had DELIBERATELY chosen

the ONE weekend of the whole year that I couldn't

change my plans. She knew when she chose that day

that I wouldn't be at the wedding...but she covered

that up in her version.

Imagine my hurt on the Sunday I showed up at

church...we have both been in the choir...and my MALE

choir director said " I'll see you at the shower this

afternoon. " Uh, WHAT shower? Yeah...my mother's

bridal shower (come on...did they need that? They had

two full houses overbrimming with stuff and they

needed all new expensive stuff that now they have no

PLACE for???) was that afternoon and guess who didn't

get invited? I don't know if I would have gone...but

that hurt. Especially when I got comments later that

she was so upset that I didn't come. I just told

those people " Well, if she wanted me there she should

have invited me to it. "

Then that July she decided that all my childhood

stuff...which was stuff she had saved and I didn't

really care about...had to be moved out of her house,

by me. So I enlisted some friends to help. It was

the first time I spent any time with her husband to

be, who had some serious issues with respecting the

space of other people. I guess when you're the most

talented and brilliant person around you get to be

wherever you want to be even if someone else needs

that air! ;-P Anyway, at one point my mother starts

going on about her wedding planning (I was so not

interested) when she mentions that she needs a

babysitter for " her " grandchildren (meaning, the

grandchildrenof her husband to be) during the wedding

and the reception and since I'm a nanny could I do

that for her. WHAT?! My two friends jaws fell to the

floor as she launched into this whole thing about all

these people who were helping them and she needed a

free babysitter (right...when you just bought a $600k

house you can't afford a babysitter??) and that this

was what I was expected to contribute. I reminded her

that I was going to be out of town, then got a lecture

on being selfish and unhelpful. She then demanded

that I get one of my friends to babysit. Free. I

told her " You know, the only people I'd recommend are

going out of town with me...and they'd still expect to

be paid. I can recommend some local babysitting

services to you, but again, you're going to have to

pay the sitters. " She was livid.

Before I went NC, at the hospital with her...her

husband brought over the priest that did their

wedding. So I got to meet the man who is more

important to her than I am...ouch, I know it's

narcissitic of me but it's still OUCH...and then got

to hear all three of them talk about how perfect the

wedding was. Thoughtful, that group, no?

ninera

--- ktelewis wrote:

> >on what

> > would have been MY wedding day except I had called

> my

> > wedding off. No problem for her...she got married

> > that day in the same church...didn't invite

> > me...that's a whole nother story).

>

> Now that is truly TWISTED.

>

> kt

>

>

>

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>

[Guest guest]

Good grief!

What a piece of work. It must have been annoying (to say the very

least) to go through that. Sheesh.

> more important to her than I am...ouch, I know it's

> narcissitic of me but it's still OUCH...and then got

>

It's not narcissistic. It's a normal reaction to being completely

sabotaged by someone who's supposed to love you unconditionally.

Ugh.

Anyway, glad you're choosing to post.

[Guest guest]

>

> It's not narcissistic. It's a normal reaction to being completely

> sabotaged by someone who's supposed to love you unconditionally.

>

> Ugh.

>

That is the heart of the matter really...being sabotaged by someone

who's supposed to love you unconditionally. That is what I think

makes me at times feel as though I am drowning. I loved the analogy

about being washed under...it touched a chord with me.

My 1st marriage to my now Ex-husband was one of the few times I

remember my parents being pleased with me. When we got engaged I

remember my mother saying, " If you had gotten rid of this one, I

would have seriously had to get you some help. " Nice. My Ex-husband

was the adult child of an alcoholic. He was not an alcoholic

himself, but in denial about the fact that he was diagnosed with

juevenille diabetes at the age of 15. The last two years of our

marriage (we were married for about 14 years), I had EMS at my house

I think 8 times. He could not manage his blood sugar levels, he

would crash low and become belligerent and refuse help. My daughters

and I would have to hide in the bathroom and wait for help to arrive

because we were afraid he would do harm to us...one time he took a

swing at me, but it was like a drunk in a fight. It scared the crap

out of me and I distinctly remember the 911 operator telling

me, " Maam, you need to go somewhere safe. He's not going to let you

help him. " It was surreal. Then when he was back to normal, the

event was basically a black-out for him...he couldn't remember what

he did or said. I could never leave him with the kids by

himself...even his own family knew this. When I finally couldn't

take the behavior any more and separated, my BPD mother was totally

distraught. She didn't care that I was so stressed at trying

to " save " my Ex from himself that I puked every morning. She didn't

care that my kids were afraid to be alone with him. She " knew " he

could change. After a 6 month trial separation, I could see that he

was still not changing his ways and I filed for divorce. At one

point during the separation I had gone NC with my NADA because she

was critical of everything I was doing from what I was feeding my

kids to my decisions about my marriage. One month after my divorce

was final, my Ex-husband blacked out at the wheel of his vehicle with

my children in it with him. It was a low speed crash involving a

fire hydrant. It could have been horrible. Only then did my parents

acknowledge that " maybe " I had done the right thing.

But their approval was short lived. I eventually met someone

wonderful, got engaged and got married. My mother became obsessed

with the idea that my fiance and I were alcoholics. Why? Because

she had a dream that we died in a drunk driving accident. We married

in Las Vegas, but then had a reception in our home town. At the time

of our reception, she was telling my brother that my husband and I

drank " 16-18 beers every night. " Totally ridiculous. I am an

Engineer. My husband is a closing officer. We could not function if

we were doing what she said...I think I've missed two days of work in

the past 3 years. She also had lunch with one of my Aunts to talk to

her about what she could do about my alcoholism. It was absurd. I

finally had to tell my extended family about all of her bizarre

behavior before Christmas when she disowned me all the while telling

me I was " ruining her Christmas again. " Those who live in state were

very sympathetic...actually, my one Uncle upon hearing about the

drama told my Aunt, " I could have told you that broad was crazy 40

years ago. " Out of town family thought I shouldn't have shared the

problems and should have kept it just between my parents and me. But

both families have issues...to what degree I am not entirely sure.

My NADAs mom died when she was five years old (appendicitis). Then

three years later her grandmother (her mom's mom) committed suicide

(hung herself). My FADAs grandmother also committed suicide. So I

think it is safe to say that there are some mental health issues in

my family!

This website has been helpful to me in so many ways. It is hard to

explain to people why you don't want to speak with your mother. The

blank stares get old and it's nice to have a group of people who

really know exactly what it is that you are experiencing.

Ninera...hang in there! We all know what you are going through and

we're rooting for you.

Hugs!