Guest guest Posted February 2, 2008 Report Share Posted February 2, 2008 Let me apologize in advance; this is going to be super long. For the last several years I have been dating someone whose mother has caused repeated problems for him and his family. For a long time I was on her " good " list and tried to convince my now fiancé that he could interact with her normally too if he just thinks carefully about how he acts. Over the last 2 months I have been planning our wedding and have come to realize how wrong I was. We don't even want her help with the wedding but in her mind, the party is a reflection on her, and she is trying to be involved with every last little detail from who marries us to who my fiancé's best man is. She also goes out and buys all kinds of things we don't want and never asked for, then tells everyone how she does so much for us. We are also having an engagement party in a couple of weeks and our spare room has bags and bags of things she bought for the party. We recently decided that we will not be accepting any money from her for the wedding. We still have to figure out how to handle all the things. Should I just deliver all the bags to her and say thanks but no thanks? Tonight I finally feel like there is an explanation for her. She cc'd me on an email to her daughter in which she stated that her daughter (who is in medical school) thought she has BPD. After reading about the indications, all the childhood stories my finance told me and all the things I've seen in the last few years suddenly fit into a real diagnosis. Here is an example of her ravings (emails back and forth). All of this started because she called our house at 11 pm on a work night. My fiancé answered the phone and said, " mom I'm tired I'm going to bed. " She yelled at him, saying what kind of greeting is that. My fiancé said " I'm putting on because she says I get too mad when I talk to you. " She then proceeded to scream at me for 10 minutes and withdrew all of her support from our engagement party and wedding planning for the second time. I told her that we had decided earlier that day that we did not want any financial support from her. She didn't seem to hear me, but had to 3-way call her friend to try and prove that she was right... She sent this email the next day: " (FRIEND) DOESN'T THINK IT IS A BLOOD CLOT ON MY LEG AND SAYS IT LOOKS MORE LIKE CELLULITIS. (WHICH NEEDS AN ANTIBIOTIC). I AM GOING BACK TO ANOTHER DOCTOR FOR ANOTHER OPINION OR PERHAPS AN ER WHERE THEY CAN FURTER TEST ME. THANKS A LOT FOR ASKING ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING SINCE I AM SICK AS A DOG. NOW THAT YOU DON'T THINK YOU ARE GETTING MY MONEY, I AM WORTHLESS TO YOU AND YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO ASK HOW I AM. YOU AND MY DAUGHTER ARE ALL THE SAME. THANKS A LOT. " My response: " Yesterday on the phone you told (Friend) that you would not call me or email me today…So why would I think to try to contact you today if you don't want to speak to me? The last time that you withdrew from the planning for the engagement party you changed your mind later and said that I should know you always come through in the end. Last night you withdrew again from the wedding. You SCREAMED at me that you feel bad for me that this is my wedding memories. When (my fiancé) said that he thinks you will change your mind you said you would not be changing your mind and you would not attend our engagement party either. How am I supposed to know when you're ready to talk to me again? I can't read your mind. I also don't like being screamed at and would appreciate an apology instead of you just continuing on like nothing ever happened. " Her response (two emails in a row): " I will not apologize to you, young lady, for none of the screaming was directed at you as I said last night. Perhaps because of the screaming, you did not hear me say that!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to sleep now. " " Subject: One last word dear, before I go to slumberland. YOU SHOULD BE DIRECTING YOUR COMMENTS TO YOUR ILLUSTRIOUS FIANCE' AS HE IS THE ONE WHO POISONS ALL THE HAPPINESS OF THIS ENGAGEMENT AND WEDDING WITH HIS SNIDE, ANGRY AND OBNOXIOUS CONSTANT REMARKS TO ME WHICH I FIND MOST AGGRAVATING AND HARASSING. SOMEHOW YOU OVERLOOK ALL THAT I HAVE SPENT MONETARILY ON THIS ALREADY AND HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE EXPENDED AND QUITE FORGET THAT IT IS (my fiancé) WHO STARTS EVERYTHING. I HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT KIND AND GENEROUS TO YOU AND HAVE TREATED YOU AS THOUGH YOU WERE A DAUGHTER RATHER THAN A DAUGHTERINLAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR FIANCE' FOR AN APOLOGY DEAR FOR GIVING YOU THESE AWFUL MEMORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE REALLY NEEDS TO GO TO DEEP THERAPY IF HE THINKS HE CAN HARBOR ILL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS TOWARD ME AND EXPECT ME TO SHELL OUT ALL MY MONEY ON HIS WEDDING. HE CAN THINK AGAIN MY DEAR. SORRY YOU ARE IN THYE MIDDLE BUT IF YOU HAD A CLEAR MIND YOU WOULD SEE THAT ONE DOES NOT REWARD BAD BEHAVIOR. YOU DID TELL ME, AFTER ALL, THAT YOU ARE A PSYCHOLOGY MAJOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!\ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! " And so on... Since then, as usual, she felt better the next day and wanted to go with me to look at a party rental store for the engagement party. On the way there she saw a seagull that was unable to fly in the middle of a huge intersection (had to have been 4 lanes each way and tons of traffic because it was rush hour). She started unbuckling her seatbelt and told me to pull over right away so she could go and save it. I said no, it's a wild animal. You're either going to scare it into traffic so it gets hit anyway, or you're going to get hit by a car yourself. You can't save every animal in the world. Animals die every day, it's part of life! She went on an on about how I'm such a mean person etc etc. Finally I told her that I saw it get hit by a car in the rear view mirror. She screamed and screamed until I let her out of the car. She said I was evil and she would take the bus home. Since then she's had a huge fight with her husband and hasn't talked to me for several days since she's been depressed about that. Last year she had my fiancé arrested and we had no contact with her for a year. I'm beginning to think that was the best year of his life and we should go back to that. Can we just move our engagement party somewhere else (i.e. not her house) and not invite her to the wedding either? I guess losing our deposit on the servers and party rentals may be worth it? Has anyone gone through with having their mom either invited or not invited to their wedding? How did it go? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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