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Let me apologize in advance; this is going to be super long. For the

last several years I have been dating someone whose mother has caused

repeated problems for him and his family. For a long time I was on her

" good " list and tried to convince my now fiancé that he could interact

with her normally too if he just thinks carefully about how he acts.

Over the last 2 months I have been planning our wedding and have come

to realize how wrong I was. We don't even want her help with the

wedding but in her mind, the party is a reflection on her, and she is

trying to be involved with every last little detail from who marries

us to who my fiancé's best man is. She also goes out and buys all

kinds of things we don't want and never asked for, then tells everyone

how she does so much for us. We are also having an engagement party in

a couple of weeks and our spare room has bags and bags of things she

bought for the party. We recently decided that we will not be

accepting any money from her for the wedding. We still have to figure

out how to handle all the things. Should I just deliver all the bags

to her and say thanks but no thanks?

Tonight I finally feel like there is an explanation for her. She cc'd

me on an email to her daughter in which she stated that her daughter

(who is in medical school) thought she has BPD. After reading about

the indications, all the childhood stories my finance told me and all

the things I've seen in the last few years suddenly fit into a real

diagnosis.

Here is an example of her ravings (emails back and forth). All of this

started because she called our house at 11 pm on a work night. My

fiancé answered the phone and said, " mom I'm tired I'm going to bed. "

She yelled at him, saying what kind of greeting is that. My fiancé

said " I'm putting on because she says I get too mad when I talk

to you. " She then proceeded to scream at me for 10 minutes and

withdrew all of her support from our engagement party and wedding

planning for the second time. I told her that we had decided earlier

that day that we did not want any financial support from her. She

didn't seem to hear me, but had to 3-way call her friend to try and

prove that she was right...

She sent this email the next day:

" (FRIEND) DOESN'T THINK IT IS A BLOOD CLOT ON MY LEG AND SAYS IT LOOKS

MORE LIKE CELLULITIS. (WHICH NEEDS AN ANTIBIOTIC). I AM GOING BACK TO

ANOTHER DOCTOR FOR ANOTHER OPINION OR PERHAPS AN ER WHERE THEY CAN

FURTER TEST ME. THANKS A LOT FOR ASKING ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING SINCE I

AM SICK AS A DOG. NOW THAT YOU DON'T THINK YOU ARE GETTING MY MONEY, I

AM WORTHLESS TO YOU AND YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO ASK HOW I AM. YOU AND

MY DAUGHTER ARE ALL THE SAME. THANKS A LOT. "

My response:

" Yesterday on the phone you told (Friend) that you would not call me

or email me today…So why would I think to try to contact you today if

you don't want to speak to me? The last time that you withdrew from

the planning for the engagement party you changed your mind later and

said that I should know you always come through in the end. Last night

you withdrew again from the wedding. You SCREAMED at me that you feel

bad for me that this is my wedding memories. When (my fiancé) said

that he thinks you will change your mind you said you would not be

changing your mind and you would not attend our engagement party

either. How am I supposed to know when you're ready to talk to me

again? I can't read your mind. I also don't like being screamed at and

would appreciate an apology instead of you just continuing on like

nothing ever happened. "

Her response (two emails in a row):

" I will not apologize to you, young lady, for none of the screaming

was directed at you as I said last night. Perhaps because of the

screaming, you did not hear me say that!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good

night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to sleep now. "

" Subject: One last word dear, before I go to slumberland.

YOU SHOULD BE DIRECTING YOUR COMMENTS TO YOUR ILLUSTRIOUS FIANCE' AS

HE IS THE ONE WHO POISONS ALL THE HAPPINESS OF THIS ENGAGEMENT AND

WEDDING WITH HIS SNIDE, ANGRY AND OBNOXIOUS CONSTANT REMARKS TO ME

WHICH I FIND MOST AGGRAVATING AND HARASSING.

SOMEHOW YOU OVERLOOK ALL THAT I HAVE SPENT MONETARILY ON THIS ALREADY

AND HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE EXPENDED AND QUITE FORGET THAT IT IS (my

fiancé) WHO STARTS EVERYTHING. I HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT KIND AND

GENEROUS TO YOU AND HAVE TREATED YOU AS THOUGH YOU WERE A DAUGHTER

RATHER THAN A

DAUGHTERINLAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR FIANCE' FOR AN APOLOGY DEAR FOR GIVING YOU

THESE AWFUL MEMORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE REALLY NEEDS TO GO TO DEEP THERAPY IF HE THINKS HE CAN HARBOR ILL

THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS TOWARD ME AND EXPECT ME TO SHELL OUT ALL MY MONEY

ON HIS WEDDING. HE CAN THINK AGAIN MY DEAR. SORRY YOU ARE IN THYE

MIDDLE BUT IF YOU HAD A CLEAR MIND YOU WOULD SEE THAT ONE DOES NOT

REWARD BAD BEHAVIOR. YOU DID TELL ME, AFTER ALL, THAT YOU ARE A

PSYCHOLOGY

MAJOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!\

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

And so on... Since then, as usual, she felt better the next day and

wanted to go with me to look at a party rental store for the

engagement party. On the way there she saw a seagull that was unable

to fly in the middle of a huge intersection (had to have been 4 lanes

each way and tons of traffic because it was rush hour). She started

unbuckling her seatbelt and told me to pull over right away so she

could go and save it. I said no, it's a wild animal. You're either

going to scare it into traffic so it gets hit anyway, or you're going

to get hit by a car yourself. You can't save every animal in the

world. Animals die every day, it's part of life! She went on an on

about how I'm such a mean person etc etc. Finally I told her that I

saw it get hit by a car in the rear view mirror. She screamed and

screamed until I let her out of the car. She said I was evil and she

would take the bus home.

Since then she's had a huge fight with her husband and hasn't talked

to me for several days since she's been depressed about that. Last

year she had my fiancé arrested and we had no contact with her for a

year. I'm beginning to think that was the best year of his life and we

should go back to that. Can we just move our engagement party

somewhere else (i.e. not her house) and not invite her to the wedding

either? I guess losing our deposit on the servers and party rentals

may be worth it? Has anyone gone through with having their mom either

invited or not invited to their wedding? How did it go?

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