Guest guest Posted June 6, 2012 Report Share Posted June 6, 2012 Halina It is good to bring this out in the open. In my introvert moments, I dont believe I am as good as anyone else. This one stems from being abandoned by both parents. They weren't dead or on drugs or anything. I was just discarded ,didnt fit in their life. As a consequence I had no aunts or cousins. The foster home was not a legalized one just a family paid. There was never nurtuing words or actions from them or my parents. Is it any wonder I got married at 17. Then I felt abandoned by my husband when the love seemed to go away after our first child. Two divorces followed, history repeated itself. I am still single now - its hard to believe I am as a good as anyone else -because I would have love ones if I was. I practice loving my childern, friends and coworkers yet.. I do feel I often get the short stick. I think we went over that in another post. When they need me , I am there but when they dont they're too busy. I do practice defusion sometimes with success. My first releif came from antidepressents at 24. I am back on them now. I also like one on one better then groups but its hard to find someone with common values and interests. Today, I am a little mixed up on what I value. One of my values or wishes was to love and share my life with my best friend. That doesnt seem to be working. Especially since when you do break up , you have noone. I dont want to make my partner my everything anymore. For the most part, I lost most of the feeling that I am on the outside looking at the world going on. I remember with my ex sitting at his sister's house on holidays feeling like I didnt belong but trying like hell to make it bearable by reading a magazine, crocheting ,eating, etc.. She wasnt too friendly towards me. I guess she wasnt friendly to any of his girlfriends. I think when you put up with that much you destroy your confidence beacuse it says that you have to take it no matter what. I think this not belonging is like a lens on a camera focused on seeing most scenes and comments that way whether they are meant to be that or not. That is what I tell myself. Lin > > > > Lin, it sounds like you are buying into the crap your mind is telling you - it is telling you that you don't belong and are not accepted or even acceptable. You probably don't really believe that, but it has become a way of life (dictated by an indoctrinated mind) after years of " not belonging " as a child. Now that you are an adult, you are still fused with those feelings of not belonging and unworthiness. As a former foster child myself, plus in and out of several children's homes, I know exactly what that feels like and how painful it can be. I get thoughts like that all the time - almost every single day - and now I am able to just notice them for what they are: Rubbish. My big one is that I feel like an outsider. But I know deep down that I belong just as much as everyone else does, and I am just as worthwhile. Don't you know that, too, deep inside? > > > > > > Are you practicing some defusion exercises, or have you tried any? I don't know that I can recommend anything from personal experience because I never really did those exercises; it was enough for me to just recognize the thoughts as " silly " when they came up, and I just kept doing that until it became automatic. Along with valued action, it seemed to do the trick for me. Don't get me wrong - I still have to deal with these thoughts a lot, but I can usually defuse them pretty quickly now. I smile at my silly mind and keep on going. I remember to treat myself to something special every now and then - I even bought myself a pair of earrings and a plant for Mother's Day. Hey, I deserve it. > > > > > > I have a fantastic female boss at work. She is very smart and very beautiful and young, and I feel a bit intimidated by her. We meet every two weeks to discuss my job. I feel the fear of inadequacy and unworthiness every time I walk in her door for our meeting. Sometimes I stutter or forget a word I have on the tip of my tongue, and I feel like an idiot. I feel this way even though she frequently compliments me and gave me a good performance appraisal. I just don't let it bother me anymore like it used to, and I'm defusing, defusing, defusing from my feelings of inadequacy every moment we are in our meeting. Sometimes my nervousness makes me chatter on and on, and I have to catch myself, breathe deeply, and slow down. I'm hoping that someday I will stop having those feelings, but if I don't, it's OK because I know they are not the truth about me. They are just passengers on my bus and I am the driver and I can choose the itinerary for my journey, even if they insist on getting rowdy at times. > > > > > > Helena > > > > > > Connection > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Because , I am having trouble with connection, I would love to hear more from anyone caring to about connection. Connection seems to be a very important need yet I have and continue to struggle with it in my daily life. I have had trouble with connection in all areas such as work, families, and groups. > > It is often a felling like I don't belong or I am not accepted. I feel differnent then most people perhaps the black sheep.I beleive it started and continued most of my childhood and has never quite left me. There has been times it dispeared in certain circumstances as with a partner or a good friend. Often, these relationships end and so my connection again is broken. I try new things and new venues such as meetup groups, church and making new friends but I struggle with motivating myself to attend especially since often I dont feel I belong when I get there. > > I also wonder if there are any resources for adults who grew up in foster homes. > > Lin > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2012 Report Share Posted June 6, 2012 Lin, you seem to be buying into "your story." The fact that you had parents, relatives, caretakers, ex-husbands, and acquaintances who did not nuture you or act lovingly toward you DOES NOT MEAN that you are not as good as or as worthy as anyone else. Yet you seem to be buying into that. Of course, your mind is telling you that - why wouldn't it after the abandonment you experienced? But it isn't true. None of the abandonment was your fault. The resulting set of thoughts in your mind are not your fault, either. But they are there and they may always be there - who knows. The good thing is that you can let those thoughts rattle around in your head all they want and they do not have to keep you from your life - as you want it to be. The fact that others do not seem to care about you is ALSO just your mind telling you "Of course, they don't care about you. Of course you will always get the short stick. Of course, they only want me when they need me." I don't care what is SEEMS LIKE, Lin, those are also thoughts that are just in your mind. Not true! They do not represent the truth of who you are as a precious, whole human being. It might be a good idea to re-visit your values and become clear on them. Then put some action plans in place to achieve them. Values that exist just in your head that are not acted out in your life are pretty meaningless. It's like trying to eat a picture of a hamburger instead of the real thing!. Your values cannot exist as just pictures. If they don't translate into actions, they are just as useless as that hamburger picture printed on paper - it will not nourish you at all Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2012 Report Share Posted June 6, 2012 Helena said, " It might be a good idea to re-visit your values and become clear on them. " Darrell replied, " ...again and again and.... " Awesome post.D Lin, you seem to be buying into " your story. " The fact that you had parents, relatives, caretakers, ex-husbands, and acquaintances who did not nuture you or act lovingly toward you DOES NOT MEAN that you are not as good as or as worthy as anyone else. Yet you seem to be buying into that. Of course, your mind is telling you that - why wouldn't it after the abandonment you experienced? But it isn't true. None of the abandonment was your fault. The resulting set of thoughts in your mind are not your fault, either. But they are there and they may always be there - who knows. The good thing is that you can let those thoughts rattle around in your head all they want and they do not have to keep you from your life - as you want it to be. The fact that others do not seem to care about you is ALSO just your mind telling you " Of course, they don't care about you. Of course you will always get the short stick. Of course, they only want me when they need me. " I don't care what is SEEMS LIKE, Lin, those are also thoughts that are just in your mind. Not true! They do not represent the truth of who you are as a precious, whole human being. It might be a good idea to re-visit your values and become clear on them. Then put some action plans in place to achieve them. Values that exist just in your head that are not acted out in your life are pretty meaningless. It's like trying to eat a picture of a hamburger instead of the real thing!. Your values cannot exist as just pictures. If they don't translate into actions, they are just as useless as that hamburger picture printed on paper - it will not nourish you at all. I hope this doesn't sound tough or harsh to you. I mean it with great understanding and compassion. Helena To: " ACT for the Public " <ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Wednesday, June 6, 2012 8:31:36 AMSubject: Re: Connection HalinaIt is good to bring this out in the open. In my introvert moments, I dont believe I am as good as anyone else. This one stems from being abandoned by both parents. They weren't dead or on drugs or anything. I was just discarded ,didnt fit in their life. As a consequence I had no aunts or cousins. The foster home was not a legalized one just a family paid. There was never nurtuing words or actions from them or my parents. Is it any wonder I got married at 17. Then I felt abandoned by my husband when the love seemed to go away after our first child. Two divorces followed, history repeated itself. I am still single now - its hard to believe I am as a good as anyone else -because I would have love ones if I was. I practice loving my childern, friends and coworkers yet.. I do feel I often get the short stick. I think we went over that in another post. When they need me , I am there but when they dont they're too busy. I do practice defusion sometimes with success. My first releif came from antidepressents at 24. I am back on them now. I also like one on one better then groups but its hard to find someone with common values and interests. Today, I am a little mixed up on what I value. One of my values or wishes was to love and share my life with my best friend. That doesnt seem to be working. Especially since when you do break up , you have noone. I dont want to make my partner my everything anymore. For the most part, I lost most of the feeling that I am on the outside looking at the world going on. I remember with my ex sitting at his sister's house on holidays feeling like I didnt belong but trying like hell to make it bearable by reading a magazine, crocheting ,eating, etc.. She wasnt too friendly towards me. I guess she wasnt friendly to any of his girlfriends. I think when you put up with that much you destroy your confidence beacuse it says that you have to take it no matter what. I think this not belonging is like a lens on a camera focused on seeing most scenes and comments that way whether they are meant to be that or not. That is what I tell myself. Lin >> > > Lin, I don't know about the effectiveness of affirmations. Some people think they are not helpful. If you really believe that you are as good as anyone else, you don't need an affirmation to know that. If you don't believe that you are, an affirmation will only stir up " cognitive dissonance " in which your mind doesn't believe the words you are saying since you don't believe it deep inside. So ... I would suggest that maybe you work more toward defusion, acceptance, and going for your values. > > > > You say some people don't like you. Here's the truth: You can't expect everyone to like you. It's cool if they do, but not a reflection on you if they don't. There are a lot of people who don't really like me. Some had good reason at times, and I needed to work more on being compassionate and patient and a little less assertive . Either way, whether somebody likes you or not - it is not about you (unless you've dpme something bad to them, like robbed their house, lol!). The next time you are around someone you think doesn't like you, tell yourself that is just their opinion and not about you. Work on liking yourself by doing the things that take you in the direction of your values. There is so much satisfaction in building a life around your values - it is the biggest esteem booster I've come across.  > > > > You are on the right path, I think. You are discussing your concerns with us here on the list and bringing them out in the open. That is so much better than keeping it all inside until you think you're going to explode. Keep the faith! We foster kids will stick together! > > > > Helena > > > > If you aren't finding satisfaction in a church or community group, maybe that isn't right for you. I have a hard time with groups; I am much more comfortable one-on-one or with closer friends. That doesn't mean I avoid groups, but I don't seek them out, either. Maybe some volunteer work for hospital patients, etc., would be more up you alley. > > > > Re: Connection > >  > > > > -- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@... 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Guest guest Posted June 6, 2012 Report Share Posted June 6, 2012 Hi , I can completely relate to what your saying and how you feel. I always feel as though I am on the outside looking in and never quite belong and as much as I try to understand that the feelings I have are not necessarily "real interpretations of a situation" it feels so real to me I wonder how my thoughts cannot be true. I do see and feel rejection from people all of the time and I wonder how this can be "imagined". The thoughts are so ingrained within that I wonder if I will ever be able to not believe what they are saying. I will keep trying though; I am trying to do something each day that scares me a little and takes me out of my comfort zone. I asked someone at work if they would like to go for a coffee this week and they said yes and yesterday I started a conversation with a girl at the gym...small steps. Its not easy and some weeks I feel I don't achieve this at all but I have to keep trying. I don't post on here very often as I find it really hard to articulate my feelings but I really value this forum and it gives me a lot of strength and hope for my future. Thank you to all of you :-) Tara To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Wednesday, 6 June 2012, 22:31Subject: Re: Connection HalinaIt is good to bring this out in the open. In my introvert moments, I dont believe I am as good as anyone else. This one stems from being abandoned by both parents. They weren't dead or on drugs or anything. I was just discarded ,didnt fit in their life. As a consequence I had no aunts or cousins. The foster home was not a legalized one just a family paid. There was never nurtuing words or actions from them or my parents. Is it any wonder I got married at 17. Then I felt abandoned by my husband when the love seemed to go away after our first child. Two divorces followed, history repeated itself. I am still single now - its hard to believe I am as a good as anyone else -because I would have love ones if I was. I practice loving my childern, friends and coworkers yet.. I do feel I often get the short stick. I think we went over that in another post. When they need me , I am there but when they dont they're too busy. I do practice defusion sometimes with success. My first releif came from antidepressents at 24. I am back on them now. I also like one on one better then groups but its hard to find someone with common values and interests.Today, I am a little mixed up on what I value. One of my values or wishes was to love and share my life with my best friend. That doesnt seem to be working. Especially since when you do break up , you have noone. I dont want to make my partner my everything anymore.For the most part, I lost most of the feeling that I am on the outside looking at the world going on. I remember with my ex sitting at his sister's house on holidays feeling like I didnt belong but trying like hell to make it bearable by reading a magazine, crocheting ,eating, etc.. She wasnt too friendly towards me. I guess she wasnt friendly to any of his girlfriends. I think when you put up with that much you destroy your confidence beacuse it says that you have to take it no matter what. I think this not belonging is like a lens on a camera focused on seeing most scenes and comments that way whether they are meant to be that or not. That is what I tell myself. Lin > > > > Lin, it sounds like you are buying into the crap your mind is telling you - it is telling you that you don't belong and are not accepted or even acceptable. You probably don't really believe that, but it has become a way of life (dictated by an indoctrinated mind) after years of "not belonging" as a child. Now that you are an adult, you are still fused with those feelings of not belonging and unworthiness. As a former foster child myself, plus in and out of several children's homes, I know exactly what that feels like and how painful it can be. I get thoughts like that all the time - almost every single day - and now I am able to just notice them for what they are: Rubbish. My big one is that I feel like an outsider. But I know deep down that I belong just as much as everyone else does, and I am just as worthwhile. Don't you know that, too, deep inside? > > > > > > Are you practicing some defusion exercises, or have you tried any? I don't know that I can recommend anything from personal experience because I never really did those exercises; it was enough for me to just recognize the thoughts as "silly" when they came up, and I just kept doing that until it became automatic. Along with valued action, it seemed to do the trick for me. Don't get me wrong - I still have to deal with these thoughts a lot, but I can usually defuse them pretty quickly now. I smile at my silly mind and keep on going. I remember to treat myself to something special every now and then - I even bought myself a pair of earrings and a plant for Mother's Day. Hey, I deserve it. > > > > > > I have a fantastic female boss at work. She is very smart and very beautiful and young, and I feel a bit intimidated by her. We meet every two weeks to discuss my job. I feel the fear of inadequacy and unworthiness every time I walk in her door for our meeting. Sometimes I stutter or forget a word I have on the tip of my tongue, and I feel like an idiot. I feel this way even though she frequently compliments me and gave me a good performance appraisal. I just don't let it bother me anymore like it used to, and I'm defusing, defusing, defusing from my feelings of inadequacy every moment we are in our meeting. Sometimes my nervousness makes me chatter on and on, and I have to catch myself, breathe deeply, and slow down. I'm hoping that someday I will stop having those feelings, but if I don't, it's OK because I know they are not the truth about me. They are just passengers on my bus and I am the driver and I can choose the itinerary for my journey, even if they insist on getting rowdy at times. > > > > > > Helena > > > > > > Connection > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Because , I am having trouble with connection, I would love to hear more from anyone caring to about connection. Connection seems to be a very important need yet I have and continue to struggle with it in my daily life. I have had trouble with connection in all areas such as work, families, and groups. > > It is often a felling like I don't belong or I am not accepted. I feel differnent then most people perhaps the black sheep.I beleive it started and continued most of my childhood and has never quite left me. There has been times it dispeared in certain circumstances as with a partner or a good friend. Often, these relationships end and so my connection again is broken. I try new things and new venues such as meetup groups, church and making new friends but I struggle with motivating myself to attend especially since often I dont feel I belong when I get there. > > I also wonder if there are any resources for adults who grew up in foster homes. > > Lin > >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2012 Report Share Posted June 7, 2012 Lin, I would start with asking you what ACT books you have read. They all give pointers on how to determine your values. Do you have The Happiness Trap? If not, I would start with that one. Helena To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Thursday, June 7, 2012 8:41:21 AMSubject: Re: Connection Good MorningHalina you are always compassionate. You have a way with words that makes things clear. I do put myself out there quite a bit for the way I feel. Such as last week, I made arrangements to go kayaking with another friend of a freind next week. I also made plans to attend a Sunday serman with a new girl I met only once before. My story comes out in my observed thoughts, I suppose that means I am still tied to it. I did want to write a memoir to help younger people who might be feeling this. I guess I also wanted my truth out there. However, I want to be able to offer not only empathy but ways to feel better. I am not sure I can do the memoir because most of the time I dont want to think of those times. I wonder if it would help if I write a differant senario about why I am at this point in my life. The memoir was going to have good parts starting with the freedom to be me in the first marriage. I had to learn to say Hello and ask people out. I also had to learn boundries in friendships. My counselor says I should choose better friends. It would be nice to have a dear friend who understands where I am coming from. I am just not quite sure what I value anymore. Sometimes, I am doing these things because I think I am suppose to. Nothing seems to quite fit.What about value discovery exercises, might there be such a thing? I am really not clear on my values. My values with connection to other people is honesty, interest, a good laugh, be there for support,etc.Somehow, I dont think that is values. All value listing on connection greatly appreciated.Thanks for the great postsLin> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > > Lin, I don't know about the effectiveness of affirmations. > Some people> > > think they are not helpful. If you really believe that you are> as good as> > > anyone else, you don't need an affirmation to know that. If you> don't> > > believe that you are, an affirmation will only stir up "cognitive> > > dissonance" in which your mind doesn't believe the words you are> saying> > > since you don't believe it deep inside. So ... I would suggest> that maybe> > > you work more toward defusion, acceptance, and going for your> values.Â> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > > You say some people don't like you. Here's the truth: > You can't> > > expect everyone to like you. It's cool if they do, but not> a reflection> > > on you if they don't. There are a lot of people who don't> really like> > > me. Some had good reason at times, and I needed to work more on> being> > > compassionate and patient and a little less assertive . > Either way,> > > whether somebody likes you or not - it is not about you (unless> you've dpme> > > something bad to them, like robbed their house, lol!). The next> time you> > > are around someone you think doesn't like you, tell yourself> that is just> > > their opinion and not about you. Work on liking yourself by> doing the> > > things that take you in the direction of your values. There is> so much> > > satisfaction in building a life around your values - it is the> biggest> > > esteem booster I've come across. Â> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > > You are on the right path, I think. You are discussing your> concerns> > > with us here on the list and bringing them out in the open. > That is so> > > much better than keeping it all inside until you think you're going> to> > > explode. Keep the faith! We foster kids will stick> together!> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > > Helena> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > > If you aren't finding satisfaction in a church or community group,> maybe> > > that isn't right for you. I have a hard time with groups; I am> much more> > > comfortable one-on-one or with closer friends. That doesn't> mean I avoid> > > groups, but I don't seek them out, either. Maybe some volunteer> work for> > > hospital patients, etc., would be more up you alley.Â> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > > Re: Connection> > > >> > > > Â> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > >> > >> > >> >> >> > --> > Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-T> > Rochester, NY, US> > http://darrellking.com> > DarrellGKing@> >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 2012 Report Share Posted June 8, 2012 Yes, Halina I do have the Happiness Trap- but I should get it out again. I was thinking this morning. Even my lack that nothings fits may be my core belief > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Lin, I don't know about the effectiveness of affirmations. > > Some people > > > > think they are not helpful. If you really believe that you are > > as good as > > > > anyone else, you don't need an affirmation to know that. If you > > don't > > > > believe that you are, an affirmation will only stir up " cognitive > > > > dissonance " in which your mind doesn't believe the words you are > > saying > > > > since you don't believe it deep inside. So ... I would suggest > > that maybe > > > > you work more toward defusion, acceptance, and going for your > > values. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > You say some people don't like you. Here's the truth: > > You can't > > > > expect everyone to like you. It's cool if they do, but not > > a reflection > > > > on you if they don't. There are a lot of people who don't > > really like > > > > me. Some had good reason at times, and I needed to work more on > > being > > > > compassionate and patient and a little less assertive . > > Either way, > > > > whether somebody likes you or not - it is not about you (unless > > you've dpme > > > > something bad to them, like robbed their house, lol!). The next > > time you > > > > are around someone you think doesn't like you, tell yourself > > that is just > > > > their opinion and not about you. Work on liking yourself by > > doing the > > > > things that take you in the direction of your values. There is > > so much > > > > satisfaction in building a life around your values - it is the > > biggest > > > > esteem booster I've come across.  > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > You are on the right path, I think. You are discussing your > > concerns > > > > with us here on the list and bringing them out in the open. > > That is so > > > > much better than keeping it all inside until you think you're going > > to > > > > explode. Keep the faith! We foster kids will stick > > together! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Helena > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > If you aren't finding satisfaction in a church or community group, > > maybe > > > > that isn't right for you. I have a hard time with groups; I am > > much more > > > > comfortable one-on-one or with closer friends. That doesn't > > mean I avoid > > > > groups, but I don't seek them out, either. Maybe some volunteer > > work for > > > > hospital patients, etc., would be more up you alley. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Re: Connection > > > > > > > > > >  > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > -- > > > Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-T > > > Rochester, NY, US > > > http://darrellking.com > > > DarrellGKing@ > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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