Re: New friendships, loneliness

July 8, 2012

Hi Tim,

I think what Helena has said is absolutely spot on and there is a lot of truth

there. I have always seen myself as socially insecure and shy and yet when I

look back over my past years, its clear I have time and time again proved I am

not. We sell ourself stories and in some cases we are sold stories through our

upbringing. We buy into them and then act and live them out.

Its clear you want to get out there and make good connections with people and

develop quality friendships and relationships and thats a wonderful value to

identify. What you now need to do is set yourself some small goals, like

stepping stones to getting to where you want to be. Sometimes taking the first

step can seem truly daunting. But have you ever done something challenging to

only reflect and realise, gosh that wasn't as bad as I really thought it would

be.

As a teenager I would not socialise, or go out anywhere, I used the excuse I

don't have anyone to go with, so I will just stay in. Until one day when I

wanted to join the school opera. I told my mum I couldn't go as I had no one to

go with, I was upset as I really wanted to be in the opera. My mother turned to

me and said, " if you wait all your life for someone to go with, you'll wait

forever " . I never forgot that and from then on I never held myself back. If

that thought " I cant go there on my own, I'm too shy " , comes up I now realise

instantly that it is something I really want and value and therefore I am

willing to feel the discomfort but still do/go for it. I have found out that

actually there are millions of social shy people in the world. I would speak to

others and hear them saying I couldn't go to the gym, yoga, club, class etc on

my own. When I asked why they would say " I just couldn't do it on my own " . I

then found people saying " I wish I was more like you, your so confident " , if

only they new eh!. I came to love the fact that despite having the same

thoughts and feelings as them, I felt great at the fact I could go to a new

class, club etc and on my own too. Was I nervous...yes...but I was also excited

at the chance of meeting new people too. I also came to realise actually you

meet more new people when you do go out on your own, than in company. If you

sit back and observe your thoughts and feelings and then look around you will

see so many people in the same boat. I used to say look how brave I am being I

came on my own and thats because its important to me.

I used to set up small goals each month, try new things to expose myself to new

poeple so I did not get too comfortable and trapped by my mind, always ensuring

I wasn't buying into my thoughts. If I ever feel I am being like that, I set

small goals to go out, even for a small walk, and make myself look up, have eye

contact with others, just to say morning, lovely weather. I would develop the

challenges each day, till I was ready to do the bigger ones. Every year I take

on new Night Classes, I pick things I am interested in and I then look forward

to not just the learning but the social aspects to.

Last year I joined a photography club and before starting I said, they don't

know my story, they don't know my shyness, lets just be me and see what happens.

I made a point to put myself forward for things, to engage etc and I ended up

having a great time, learned loads about photography and developed some nice

club friendships to boot.

This year I have started planning my next set of night classes and social goals.

Its a continuous thing, after all thats what values are, never ending always

developing, always improving, and yes they come with challenges but the rewards

can feel so good too.

Tim taking that first step is only big and daunting if your actually buying into

that thought. So don't. Its just a thought. Everyone feels that way when

going to a new class, club of social experience and thats okay. Don't let it

hold you back from developing the lasting friendships you value and desire and

start living the way you want to.

Best advise I could give is not to be disheartened if one club or class of

social event does not work out for you, there are loads of others out there. I

visited four photography clubs, three gyms,colleges etc for one evening each

before deciding which ones to join. This year I have the desire to learn to

play chess, for no other reason than I want to, plus I would love to beat my Dad

at the game, he's a gloater and it would be nice to win just once. So I have

looked into clubs and costs and when they begin in August I will visit the local

ones and then decide which club I want to join. If I make any friendships along

the way, great, thats a wee bonus.

Make sure what ever you choose to do it is something of value, that way you

don't really feel loss if close friendships aren't formed. Friendships wont

happen every time, but when it does you treasure it.

Hope this helps you to take those first steps Tim.

With loving kindness

Jo

> >

> > Could you join a group or club that shares your interests, perhaps in

photography, music, books, etc.? You may have to be willing to step outside your

comfort zone. Are you fused with the idea that you are quiet, sensitive, and

shy? Maybe you can also be open, outgoing and comfortable with others and can

embrace those traits in yourself as well. I'm suggesting that you not set limits

on how you see yourself. I am very shy but most people don't know that. I

learned how to express myself around others in spite of being shy and sensitive.

But, I must say, the change did not come overnight. Take it one step at a time -

small steps toward your values every day - and you will soon find yourself

surrounded by like-minded people, I predict : )

> >

> > Helena

> >

> > New friendships, loneliness

> >

> > Dear ACT friends/followers,

> >

> > I am a 33 year old single male. For the first time in my life, I feel like I

am firmly making positive change. It seems as though, when we do decide to make

meaningful change, that suffering is an inevitable part of that. Focusing on

spiritual growth, working on meaningful projects, seeking purposeful/more

meaningful employment, improving our physical health... these things need new

people, new friendships, not only for LOVE but to be surrounded by more refined

thinking, bringing about healthier communication. I find meeting like-minded

people to be difficult. This is what I would really like to work on and is the

reason for this post. I am a deep thinker and I seek to live the very best life

that I can live.

> >

> > Are there any suggestions out there for how I can bring people into my life

who value their health and spirituality, who value love and peace??

> >

> > I do have interests... photography, piano, film, reading, swimming,

connecting with nature, yoga. I love these things but when I do them, I do them

by myself. I am a quiet person, a little shy and very sensitive.

> >

> > Feeling a little lonely and in search of life-enhancing friends...

> >

> > Much love to you all

> >

> > Tim

> >

>

July 9, 2012

Hi Jo,

Thank you very much for your message, it came as a real surprise and it was

truly inspiring to read. Thank you for such encouragement.

I also read your other posted comment. You seem to have a good grasp/thorough

understanding of ACT and its workings. I am working through the mindfulness

exercises (with the help of the audio) and have found them to be very valuable.

I especially enjoy 'The Observing Self' recording, as it teaches me to observe

my thoughts, to observe my feelings and sensations and to recognise that these

'peripheral aspects of me' are constantly changing.

I feel very fortunate to have discovered ACT Therapy. I plan on using it until

the day I die. Who knows, I might even take it with me after that!

Thanks again for such a thoughtful message.

Tim

> > >

> > > Could you join a group or club that shares your interests, perhaps in