Sitting With Values

[Guest guest]

It's been an interesting couple days where I have spent most of my time sitting

with values. (Yes I am finally putting the effort in).

Several months ago I did a Values Discovery Questionnaire, but at that time I

dismissed as rubbish to my therapist, as I felt I was only writing what was

expected, what one should put in as answers. At that time every question, was

fraught with resistance taking an hour to come up with " I don't Know! " It was

like trying to get blood out of a stone, while mentally bunching the living

daylights out of it at the same time. In the end I wrote out my values with a

sense of duty, rather than what I saw as my values as I just could not get my

head to go there. Since breaking through some of my resistance and learning to

sit with it, I have realised I have lived a valued way in my past as I was

really passionate on developing personal effectiveness. So somewhere along the

way I stopped living my life in a valued way. I just gave up.

Now I can come up with a lot of different reasons why this happened, after all

our minds are really good at coming up with all sorts of explanations,

justifications, etc. Does it really matter, and will it really make a

difference. Or is it more important to just realise you were lost on the mind

train.

The analyser in me wants to spend hours trying to establish when it actually

happened, at what point, what was the true catalyst, how can I prevent this

happening again, it can't happen again. Then I realised these are just

thoughts. I can't change the past and I don't know what is around the corner, I

can only deal with this moment. What I have done is acknowledge and accept my

sadness that I gave up on me and let go of what I feel were my lost years, so I

can move forward.

So today is all I have and today I sat with my Values Identification Worksheet,

full of words that express who you are. The list was long and not exhaustive

you could even add to it. It still fascinates me that despite knowing what I

now know and understand, I still feel the twinge of discomfort when I picked up

the list to read it. Reading the words one by one, realising my heart was

beating just that little bit faster, breath quickening, heat building, muscles

tensing, stomach churning. I am not enjoying looking at these words. So I put

it down, I took a breath and listened and remained present. Once I had dealt

with my thoughts I picked up the worksheet started again. It's taken me 5

hours, but I now have my list of 12 values, ready to discuss with my therapist.

Interestingly my mind wants me to worry there wrong, that there are more

important ones I haven't selected, I've messed up, and I have made a big

mistake. I felt anxious when I completed my list of 12 values, what if my mind

was right...so yet again time to breath and sit still, be present and observe.

I sent all those thoughts down my lovely river, with thanks and loving kindness

for today I have my Values List.

I promised you and many others I would let you know if I made any progress

with values. I know I did today.

With loving kindness

Jo