Re: Feeling unworthy and less than

[Guest guest]

Hi Marcia,I can definitely identify with what you are saying. I have past memories-hurts which are sufficient in themselves to cause pain, but I also use these hurts to interpret events in the present. Not only do I need to prove myself to others, I need to prove to myself that i am good enough or smart enough or whatever. Like you I can stand on my own two feet, but the skeletons still hurt. I am new to this group and ACT so working to make the principles work for me. I think they are valid. They don´t work perfectly for me, but I believe they are helpful and may become more as I learn to defuse more and apply them better. Good luck with your progress.Phil

I have been encouraged to write this post today because I have been struggling this past week with my "skeletons in the closet" better known as my past. I find myself feeling unworthy of other peoples love, attention, time, and energy because of things that have happened to me as well as things that I have done. Can we say fusion. I do pretty well with defusing from most of lifes events however when I started working with my therapist recently on my past and accepting that I am not the same person and I never will be that I am only the me that is here in this moment I found it very hard to seperate myself from my feelings of unworthiness. I have struggled with low self esteem as long as I can remember....that is not to say I haven't had the moments of saying "you go girl, you got and you know it." I would have to say the majority of my time however I have spent trying to prove to others that I was worth their love and affection even when I di

dn't get it.

I am old enough now to stand on my own two feet (even when I only stand on one do to surgery on the other) however I still search for approval in others.

I was wondering if anyone else feels like this and if they do how they have managed to cope with it, and make a worthwhile life out of maybe not so worthwhile beginnings.

Marcia

[Guest guest]

Its like long ago , as a child things happened that I interpeted as me not being

good enough. Then I had some success like my job and a relationship. When

things are good the lens I see events in changes. I am definetly not so much in

my head but engaged in every day living. But things have gone bad for awhile -

no relationship, job not providing the self worth it once did. Sometimes, I

think the feeling close to it , I feel overwhelmed.

Lin

[Guest guest]

Lin, what I have learned is that you cannot look outside of yourself to feel worthy. You are worthy, and you can know that in spite of what your mind tells you and even if you think you don't believe it. If you expect a job or a relationship to feed your sense of being worthy, it is just an illusion and the minute the job or relationship ends - POOF! - there goes your worth.

Until I "met" ACT, I believed what my mind was telling me. I also had periods of time when I felt good because the external circumstances and relationships in my life were good - only to fall flat on my face when those things changed or disappeared. My mind still forks out garbage every single day, but I no longer buy into it. I simply realize that my mind is over-reacting in an effort to protect me from pain. I am now at peace with the "thought" that I am unworthy because I know it is JUST A THOUGHT. Until you can truly grasp that, Lin, you may not make very much progress, if you're at all like me. And we do come from similar backgrounds.

Stay with it, and keep on asking questions and posting here. I also suggest you re-read The Happiness Trap, slowly and thoughtfully, and try to absorb its message.

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 8:57:42 AMSubject: Re: Feeling unworthy and less than

Its like long ago , as a child things happened that I interpeted as me not being good enough. Then I had some success like my job and a relationship. When things are good the lens I see events in changes. I am definetly not so much in my head but engaged in every day living. But things have gone bad for awhile - no relationship, job not providing the self worth it once did. Sometimes, I think the feeling close to it , I feel overwhelmed.Lin

[Guest guest]

Helena, What you posted is so true. As I mentioned in a previous post I am the sort of person who needs external validation, approval and acceptance. When that does not come it has been very painful for me and hard to get over. I am working on that. Part of that, I believe, is recognizing you DON´t have to believe everything your mind tells you. Thanks for the post. It was very encouraging to me as one who has not be able to totally internalize and practice these methods. Phil

Lin, what I have learned is that you cannot look outside of yourself to feel worthy. You are worthy, and you can know that in spite of what your mind tells you and even if you think you don't believe it. If you expect a job or a relationship to feed your sense of being worthy, it is just an illusion and the minute the job or relationship ends - POOF! - there goes your worth. Until I "met" ACT, I believed what my mind was telling me. I also had periods of time when I felt good because the external circumstances and relationships in my life were good - only to fall flat on my face when those things changed or disappeared. My mind still forks out garbage every single day, but I no longer buy into it. I simply realize that my mind is over-reacting in an effort to protect me from pain. I am now at peace with the "thought" that I am unworthy because I know it is JUST A THOUGHT. Until you can truly grasp that, Lin, you may not make very much progress, if you're at all like me. And we do come from similar backgrounds. Stay with it, and keep on asking questions and posting here. I also suggest you re-read The Happiness Trap, slowly and thoughtfully, and try to absorb its message. Helena

[Guest guest]

Phil, I think we are all that kind of person! And society also conditions us to seek validation and approval. Realizing that my worth is not contingent on what my mind tells me has been HUGE in my life - and I'm a rather old bird : )

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 9:52:00 AMSubject: Re: Re: Feeling unworthy and less than

Helena, What you posted is so true. As I mentioned in a previous post I am the sort of person who needs external validation, approval and acceptance. When that does not come it has been very painful for me and hard to get over. I am working on that. Part of that, I believe, is recognizing you DON´t have to believe everything your mind tells you. Thanks for the post. It was very encouraging to me as one who has not be able to totally internalize and practice these methods.

Phil

Lin, what I have learned is that you cannot look outside of yourself to feel worthy. You are worthy, and you can know that in spite of what your mind tells you and even if you think you don't believe it. If you expect a job or a relationship to feed your sense of being worthy, it is just an illusion and the minute the job or relationship ends - POOF! - there goes your worth.

Until I "met" ACT, I believed what my mind was telling me. I also had periods of time when I felt good because the external circumstances and relationships in my life were good - only to fall flat on my face when those things changed or disappeared. My mind still forks out garbage every single day, but I no longer buy into it. I simply realize that my mind is over-reacting in an effort to protect me from pain. I am now at peace with the "thought" that I am unworthy because I know it is JUST A THOUGHT. Until you can truly grasp that, Lin, you may not make very much progress, if you're at all like me. And we do come from similar backgrounds.

Stay with it, and keep on asking questions and posting here. I also suggest you re-read The Happiness Trap, slowly and thoughtfully, and try to absorb its message.

Helena

[Guest guest]

Phil, I think we are all that kind of person! And society also conditions us to seek validation and approval. Realizing that my worth is not contingent on what my mind tells me has been HUGE in my life - and I'm a rather old bird : )

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 9:52:00 AMSubject: Re: Re: Feeling unworthy and less than

Helena, What you posted is so true. As I mentioned in a previous post I am the sort of person who needs external validation, approval and acceptance. When that does not come it has been very painful for me and hard to get over. I am working on that. Part of that, I believe, is recognizing you DON´t have to believe everything your mind tells you. Thanks for the post. It was very encouraging to me as one who has not be able to totally internalize and practice these methods.

Phil

Lin, what I have learned is that you cannot look outside of yourself to feel worthy. You are worthy, and you can know that in spite of what your mind tells you and even if you think you don't believe it. If you expect a job or a relationship to feed your sense of being worthy, it is just an illusion and the minute the job or relationship ends - POOF! - there goes your worth.

Until I "met" ACT, I believed what my mind was telling me. I also had periods of time when I felt good because the external circumstances and relationships in my life were good - only to fall flat on my face when those things changed or disappeared. My mind still forks out garbage every single day, but I no longer buy into it. I simply realize that my mind is over-reacting in an effort to protect me from pain. I am now at peace with the "thought" that I am unworthy because I know it is JUST A THOUGHT. Until you can truly grasp that, Lin, you may not make very much progress, if you're at all like me. And we do come from similar backgrounds.

Stay with it, and keep on asking questions and posting here. I also suggest you re-read The Happiness Trap, slowly and thoughtfully, and try to absorb its message.

Helena

[Guest guest]

Nice to hear you say that it has been huge in your life. I hope I can get there. Your statement will go in my journal today! (I am on up there, too.)

Phil, I think we are all that kind of person! And society also conditions us to seek validation and approval. Realizing that my worth is not contingent on what my mind tells me has been HUGE in my life - and I'm a rather old bird : ) Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 9:52:00 AMSubject: Re: Re: Feeling unworthy and less than

Helena, What you posted is so true. As I mentioned in a previous post I am the sort of person who needs external validation, approval and acceptance. When that does not come it has been very painful for me and hard to get over. I am working on that. Part of that, I believe, is recognizing you DON´t have to believe everything your mind tells you. Thanks for the post. It was very encouraging to me as one who has not be able to totally internalize and practice these methods.

Phil

Lin, what I have learned is that you cannot look outside of yourself to feel worthy. You are worthy, and you can know that in spite of what your mind tells you and even if you think you don't believe it. If you expect a job or a relationship to feed your sense of being worthy, it is just an illusion and the minute the job or relationship ends - POOF! - there goes your worth.

Until I "met" ACT, I believed what my mind was telling me. I also had periods of time when I felt good because the external circumstances and relationships in my life were good - only to fall flat on my face when those things changed or disappeared. My mind still forks out garbage every single day, but I no longer buy into it. I simply realize that my mind is over-reacting in an effort to protect me from pain. I am now at peace with the "thought" that I am unworthy because I know it is JUST A THOUGHT. Until you can truly grasp that, Lin, you may not make very much progress, if you're at all like me. And we do come from similar backgrounds.

Stay with it, and keep on asking questions and posting here. I also suggest you re-read The Happiness Trap, slowly and thoughtfully, and try to absorb its message.

Helena

[Guest guest]

Nice to hear you say that it has been huge in your life. I hope I can get there. Your statement will go in my journal today! (I am on up there, too.)

Phil, I think we are all that kind of person! And society also conditions us to seek validation and approval. Realizing that my worth is not contingent on what my mind tells me has been HUGE in my life - and I'm a rather old bird : ) Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 9:52:00 AMSubject: Re: Re: Feeling unworthy and less than

Helena, What you posted is so true. As I mentioned in a previous post I am the sort of person who needs external validation, approval and acceptance. When that does not come it has been very painful for me and hard to get over. I am working on that. Part of that, I believe, is recognizing you DON´t have to believe everything your mind tells you. Thanks for the post. It was very encouraging to me as one who has not be able to totally internalize and practice these methods.

Phil

Lin, what I have learned is that you cannot look outside of yourself to feel worthy. You are worthy, and you can know that in spite of what your mind tells you and even if you think you don't believe it. If you expect a job or a relationship to feed your sense of being worthy, it is just an illusion and the minute the job or relationship ends - POOF! - there goes your worth.

Until I "met" ACT, I believed what my mind was telling me. I also had periods of time when I felt good because the external circumstances and relationships in my life were good - only to fall flat on my face when those things changed or disappeared. My mind still forks out garbage every single day, but I no longer buy into it. I simply realize that my mind is over-reacting in an effort to protect me from pain. I am now at peace with the "thought" that I am unworthy because I know it is JUST A THOUGHT. Until you can truly grasp that, Lin, you may not make very much progress, if you're at all like me. And we do come from similar backgrounds.

Stay with it, and keep on asking questions and posting here. I also suggest you re-read The Happiness Trap, slowly and thoughtfully, and try to absorb its message.

Helena

[Guest guest]

I want to add, Phil, that part of the beauty of ACT is that it works even before you have actually internalized it. Just using defusion skills in the moment and practicing acceptance as you live each moment mindfully is very powerful. Of course, as time goes on, it becomes easier to practice these skills, but even experienced ACTors say that practice is always a part of their experience - it's not like you finally "get it" and never have to practice again. I love that it's always a process and not an end goal.

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 9:52:00 AMSubject: Re: Re: Feeling unworthy and less than

Helena, What you posted is so true. As I mentioned in a previous post I am the sort of person who needs external validation, approval and acceptance. When that does not come it has been very painful for me and hard to get over. I am working on that. Part of that, I believe, is recognizing you DON´t have to believe everything your mind tells you. Thanks for the post. It was very encouraging to me as one who has not be able to totally internalize and practice these methods.

Phil

Lin, what I have learned is that you cannot look outside of yourself to feel worthy. You are worthy, and you can know that in spite of what your mind tells you and even if you think you don't believe it. If you expect a job or a relationship to feed your sense of being worthy, it is just an illusion and the minute the job or relationship ends - POOF! - there goes your worth.

Until I "met" ACT, I believed what my mind was telling me. I also had periods of time when I felt good because the external circumstances and relationships in my life were good - only to fall flat on my face when those things changed or disappeared. My mind still forks out garbage every single day, but I no longer buy into it. I simply realize that my mind is over-reacting in an effort to protect me from pain. I am now at peace with the "thought" that I am unworthy because I know it is JUST A THOUGHT. Until you can truly grasp that, Lin, you may not make very much progress, if you're at all like me. And we do come from similar backgrounds.

Stay with it, and keep on asking questions and posting here. I also suggest you re-read The Happiness Trap, slowly and thoughtfully, and try to absorb its message.

Helena

[Guest guest]

I want to add, Phil, that part of the beauty of ACT is that it works even before you have actually internalized it. Just using defusion skills in the moment and practicing acceptance as you live each moment mindfully is very powerful. Of course, as time goes on, it becomes easier to practice these skills, but even experienced ACTors say that practice is always a part of their experience - it's not like you finally "get it" and never have to practice again. I love that it's always a process and not an end goal.

Helena

To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 9:52:00 AMSubject: Re: Re: Feeling unworthy and less than

Helena, What you posted is so true. As I mentioned in a previous post I am the sort of person who needs external validation, approval and acceptance. When that does not come it has been very painful for me and hard to get over. I am working on that. Part of that, I believe, is recognizing you DON´t have to believe everything your mind tells you. Thanks for the post. It was very encouraging to me as one who has not be able to totally internalize and practice these methods.

Phil

Lin, what I have learned is that you cannot look outside of yourself to feel worthy. You are worthy, and you can know that in spite of what your mind tells you and even if you think you don't believe it. If you expect a job or a relationship to feed your sense of being worthy, it is just an illusion and the minute the job or relationship ends - POOF! - there goes your worth.

Until I "met" ACT, I believed what my mind was telling me. I also had periods of time when I felt good because the external circumstances and relationships in my life were good - only to fall flat on my face when those things changed or disappeared. My mind still forks out garbage every single day, but I no longer buy into it. I simply realize that my mind is over-reacting in an effort to protect me from pain. I am now at peace with the "thought" that I am unworthy because I know it is JUST A THOUGHT. Until you can truly grasp that, Lin, you may not make very much progress, if you're at all like me. And we do come from similar backgrounds.

Stay with it, and keep on asking questions and posting here. I also suggest you re-read The Happiness Trap, slowly and thoughtfully, and try to absorb its message.

Helena

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Helena. Very encouraging. It´s good to know that you don´t have to have everything just right before it actually begins to work.

I want to add, Phil, that part of the beauty of ACT is that it works even before you have actually internalized it. Just using defusion skills in the moment and practicing acceptance as you live each moment mindfully is very powerful. Of course, as time goes on, it becomes easier to practice these skills, but even experienced ACTors say that practice is always a part of their experience - it's not like you finally "get it" and never have to practice again. I love that it's always a process and not an end goal. Helena

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Helena. Very encouraging. It´s good to know that you don´t have to have everything just right before it actually begins to work.

I want to add, Phil, that part of the beauty of ACT is that it works even before you have actually internalized it. Just using defusion skills in the moment and practicing acceptance as you live each moment mindfully is very powerful. Of course, as time goes on, it becomes easier to practice these skills, but even experienced ACTors say that practice is always a part of their experience - it's not like you finally "get it" and never have to practice again. I love that it's always a process and not an end goal. Helena

[Guest guest]

It seems that memories can color our self-perceptions. Kinda makes me wonder if I am judging who I am, or judging my scrapbook of memories.Should self-esteem be built from who I am right now, or should it be a construct based on my versions of what happened here and there in the past? What happens when who I am is different than the person in the memories? Is the " worst " version somehow more valid building material?

Some of my skeletons would not be possible to recreate today - the man who did so no longer exists, the Darrell typing this would choose differently. Do I turn my flashlights on the remembered version and keep him illuminated, or do I say " I've changed " and swivel the light onto Now Me?

Things happen, then consequences roll down the years, and that is the concept of karma, the inevitable reality of cause and effect. But, are we taking about inevitable empirical consequences resulting in self-esteem, or about emotionally biased perspectives? How valid is self esteem?

D

 

Hi Marcia,I can definitely identify with what you are saying. I have past memories-hurts which are sufficient in themselves to cause pain, but I also use these hurts to interpret events in the present. Not only do I need to prove myself to others, I need to prove to myself that i am good enough or smart enough or whatever. Like you I can stand on my own two feet, but the skeletons still hurt. I am new to this group and ACT so working to make the principles work for me. I think they are valid.  They don´t work perfectly for me, but I believe they are helpful and may become more as I learn to defuse more and apply them better. 

Good luck with your progress.Phil

 

I have been encouraged to write this post today because I have been struggling this past week with my " skeletons in the closet " better known as my past. I find myself feeling unworthy of other peoples love, attention, time, and energy because of things that have happened to me as well as things that I have done. Can we say fusion. I do pretty well with defusing from most of lifes events however when I started working with my therapist recently on my past and accepting that I am not the same person and I never will be that I am only the me that is here in this moment I found it very hard to seperate myself from my feelings of unworthiness. I have struggled with low self esteem as long as I can remember....that is not to say I haven't had the moments of saying " you go girl, you got and you know it. " I would have to say the majority of my time however I have spent trying to prove to others that I was worth their love and affection even when I di

dn't get it.

I am old enough now to stand on my own two feet (even when I only stand on one do to surgery on the other) however I still search for approval in others.

I was wondering if anyone else feels like this and if they do how they have managed to cope with it, and make a worthwhile life out of maybe not so worthwhile beginnings.

Marcia

-- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@...

[Guest guest]

Thought provoking post, Darrell. Sometimes memories become my worst enemy and based on them, I perceive the present pretty inaccurately and, often, painfully. At other times when I am thinking of or influenced by the good memories, they build me up and help fortify my self esteem. My skeletons often seem to be more powerful than the good thougts. Sometimes, I try to recreate them in my mind so that I can feel the pain with the hope of getting rid of it. Sometimes, present day events evoke the fused pain. What should be the role of these memories? Phil

It seems that memories can color our self-perceptions. Kinda makes me wonder if I am judging who I am, or judging my scrapbook of memories.Should self-esteem be built from who I am right now, or should it be a construct based on my versions of what happened here and there in the past? What happens when who I am is different than the person in the memories? Is the "worst" version somehow more valid building material?

Some of my skeletons would not be possible to recreate today - the man who did so no longer exists, the Darrell typing this would choose differently. Do I turn my flashlights on the remembered version and keep him illuminated, or do I say "I've changed" and swivel the light onto Now Me?

Things happen, then consequences roll down the years, and that is the concept of karma, the inevitable reality of cause and effect. But, are we taking about inevitable empirical consequences resulting in self-esteem, or about emotionally biased perspectives? How valid is self esteem?

D

Hi Marcia,I can definitely identify with what you are saying. I have past memories-hurts which are sufficient in themselves to cause pain, but I also use these hurts to interpret events in the present. Not only do I need to prove myself to others, I need to prove to myself that i am good enough or smart enough or whatever. Like you I can stand on my own two feet, but the skeletons still hurt. I am new to this group and ACT so working to make the principles work for me. I think they are valid. They don´t work perfectly for me, but I believe they are helpful and may become more as I learn to defuse more and apply them better.

Good luck with your progress.Phil

I have been encouraged to write this post today because I have been struggling this past week with my "skeletons in the closet" better known as my past. I find myself feeling unworthy of other peoples love, attention, time, and energy because of things that have happened to me as well as things that I have done. Can we say fusion. I do pretty well with defusing from most of lifes events however when I started working with my therapist recently on my past and accepting that I am not the same person and I never will be that I am only the me that is here in this moment I found it very hard to seperate myself from my feelings of unworthiness. I have struggled with low self esteem as long as I can remember....that is not to say I haven't had the moments of saying "you go girl, you got and you know it." I would have to say the majority of my time however I have spent trying to prove to others that I was worth their love and affection even when I di

dn't get it.

I am old enough now to stand on my own two feet (even when I only stand on one do to surgery on the other) however I still search for approval in others.

I was wondering if anyone else feels like this and if they do how they have managed to cope with it, and make a worthwhile life out of maybe not so worthwhile beginnings.

Marcia

-- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@...

[Guest guest]

Thanks for all the sharing that is going on.

It seems they're is more then just me feeling this way. This is good to know at

least I am not alone in that. Yes, certain events, peoples behavior trigger

unhealthy and unwelcomed memories for me. Automatically, I am sent back in time.

What a nice thought to have my self-esteem stem from who I am right now without

the past. I too have had times when I was so much in my own negative thoughts.

However, today I find that those times were good ones with my job or in a

relationship. It's when things are not so well that I go back.

But for today, I will be more gentle with myself, not buy into my auto responses

and start the making of me all over again.

Thank you for this important question - I need to make a screensaver out of it

Do I turn my flashlights on the remembered version and keep him illuminated, or

do I say " I've changed " and swivel the light onto Now Me?

Lin

--- > Phil>

>

>

> > It seems that memories can color our self-perceptions. Kinda makes me wonder

if I am judging who I am, or judging my scrapbook of memories.

> >

> >

> > Should self-esteem be built from who I am right now, or should it be a

construct based on my versions of what happened here and there in the past? What

happens when who I am is different than the person in the memories? Is the

" worst " version somehow more valid building material?

> >

> > Some of my skeletons would not be possible to recreate today - the man who

did so no longer exists, the Darrell typing this would choose differently. Do I

turn my flashlights on the remembered version and keep him illuminated, or do I

say " I've changed " and swivel the light onto Now Me?

> >

> > Things happen, then consequences roll down the years, and that is the

concept of karma, the inevitable reality of cause and effect. But, are we taking

about inevitable empirical consequences resulting in self-esteem, or about

emotionally biased perspectives? How valid is self esteem?

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I appreciate all the support this group seems to have for each other. I also am

glad that I am not alone in this.

See I searched for approval for so long from my mother who was a single mom who

worked full time and I also have an older brother who was the " favorite " . I

guess I am still trying at my age to get her to just say to me once that I am a

good person instead of saying it to myself.

I have also sought out relationships that would validate me. I truly feel

sometimes that due to my past I will never be worthy of anyone not my own

children and not my family.

I have been alone now for a few years, when I got ill my kids both went to live

with their fathers because I was not able to take care of them and they are now

the thing that keeps me going as well as a big part of why I feel that I am not

worth anything.

I struggle so much just to get up in the morning and get going because I ask

myself why I am fighting so hard...then I look at the pictures of my little ones

on the wall and I remember but at the same time I fear that I will never be

worthy of the unconditional love that children have for their parents...no

matter what the parent does.

I try to accept things as just thoughts and it works when I am able to pull

myself out of my depression for awhile however when I am feeling deeply

depressed I can not manage to pull myself out and I wonder what I am here for.

I mean both my children are well taken care of so what do they need me for. My

family and I no longer have communication with each other so they obviously

don't need me. So what am I here for and why do I keep fighting.

>

>

>

>  

>

>

>

>

>

> Lin, what I have learned is that you cannot look outside of yourself to feel

worthy.  You are worthy, and you can know that in spite of what your mind tells

you and even if you think you don't believe it.  If you expect a job or a

relationship to feed your sense of being worthy, it is just an illusion and the

minute the job or relationship ends - POOF! - there goes your worth. 

>  

>

>

> Until I " met " ACT, I believed what my mind was telling me.  I also had

periods of time when I felt good because the external circumstances and

relationships in my life were good - only to fall flat on my face when those

things changed or disappeared.  My mind still forks out garbage every single

day, but I no longer buy into it.  I simply realize that my mind is

over-reacting in an effort to protect me from pain.  I am now at peace with the

" thought " that I am unworthy because I know it is JUST A THOUGHT.  Until you

can truly grasp that, Lin, you may not make very much progress, if you're at all

like me.  And we do come from similar backgrounds.

>  

>

>

> Stay with it, and keep on asking questions and posting here.  I also suggest

you re-read The Happiness Trap, slowly and thoughtfully, and try to absorb its

message. 

>  

>

>

> Helena

>

[Guest guest]

I appreciate all the support this group seems to have for each other. I also am

glad that I am not alone in this.

See I searched for approval for so long from my mother who was a single mom who

worked full time and I also have an older brother who was the " favorite " . I

guess I am still trying at my age to get her to just say to me once that I am a

good person instead of saying it to myself.

I have also sought out relationships that would validate me. I truly feel

sometimes that due to my past I will never be worthy of anyone not my own

children and not my family.

I have been alone now for a few years, when I got ill my kids both went to live

with their fathers because I was not able to take care of them and they are now

the thing that keeps me going as well as a big part of why I feel that I am not

worth anything.

I struggle so much just to get up in the morning and get going because I ask

myself why I am fighting so hard...then I look at the pictures of my little ones

on the wall and I remember but at the same time I fear that I will never be

worthy of the unconditional love that children have for their parents...no

matter what the parent does.

I try to accept things as just thoughts and it works when I am able to pull

myself out of my depression for awhile however when I am feeling deeply

depressed I can not manage to pull myself out and I wonder what I am here for.

I mean both my children are well taken care of so what do they need me for. My

family and I no longer have communication with each other so they obviously

don't need me. So what am I here for and why do I keep fighting.

>

>

>

>  

>

>

>

>

>

> Lin, what I have learned is that you cannot look outside of yourself to feel

worthy.  You are worthy, and you can know that in spite of what your mind tells

you and even if you think you don't believe it.  If you expect a job or a

relationship to feed your sense of being worthy, it is just an illusion and the

minute the job or relationship ends - POOF! - there goes your worth. 

>  

>

>

> Until I " met " ACT, I believed what my mind was telling me.  I also had

periods of time when I felt good because the external circumstances and

relationships in my life were good - only to fall flat on my face when those

things changed or disappeared.  My mind still forks out garbage every single

day, but I no longer buy into it.  I simply realize that my mind is

over-reacting in an effort to protect me from pain.  I am now at peace with the

" thought " that I am unworthy because I know it is JUST A THOUGHT.  Until you

can truly grasp that, Lin, you may not make very much progress, if you're at all

like me.  And we do come from similar backgrounds.

>  

>

>

> Stay with it, and keep on asking questions and posting here.  I also suggest

you re-read The Happiness Trap, slowly and thoughtfully, and try to absorb its

message. 

>  

>

>

> Helena

>

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry for your sadness. I was listening to Wayne Dwyer this morning,. He

said when he writes he has the cover made so it inspires him to write along with

pictures of people he admires and his own childern. He said if we imagine it

done or imagine us being then so it is. Imagine if your thoughts were saying

you are good, worthwhile , and just the wonderfull human being you are. I think

that sometimes, I notice my behavior changes when I buy into those thoughts

rather then the negative one. No more negative thoughts for us, because they're

just not true. Its only a thought we bought into as Helena would say. Let's buy

into the good thoughts and let those defeating thoughts sail quietly out of our

minds. Have a nice weekend everyone. I definetly am no matter what. Who is with

me?

Lin

..marcia@...> wrote:

>

> I appreciate all the support this group seems to have for each other. I also

am glad that I am not alone in this.

>

> See I searched for approval for so long from my mother who was a single mom

who worked full time and I also have an older brother who was the " favorite " . I

guess I am still trying at my age to get her to just say to me once that I am a

good person instead of saying it to myself.

>

> I have also sought out relationships that would validate me. I truly feel

sometimes that due to my past I will never be worthy of anyone not my own

children and not my family.

>

> I have been alone now for a few years, when I got ill my kids both went to

live with their fathers because I was not able to take care of them and they are

now the thing that keeps me going as well as a big part of why I feel that I am

not worth anything.

>

> I struggle so much just to get up in the morning and get going because I ask

myself why I am fighting so hard...then I look at the pictures of my little ones

on the wall and I remember but at the same time I fear that I will never be

worthy of the unconditional love that children have for their parents...no

matter what the parent does.

>

> I try to accept things as just thoughts and it works when I am able to pull

myself out of my depression for awhile however when I am feeling deeply

depressed I can not manage to pull myself out and I wonder what I am here for.

I mean both my children are well taken care of so what do they need me for. My

family and I no longer have communication with each other so they obviously

don't need me. So what am I here for and why do I keep fighting.

>

>

>

>

> >

> >

> >

> >  

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Lin, what I have learned is that you cannot look outside of yourself to feel

worthy.  You are worthy, and you can know that in spite of what your mind tells

you and even if you think you don't believe it.  If you expect a job or a

relationship to feed your sense of being worthy, it is just an illusion and the

minute the job or relationship ends - POOF! - there goes your worth. 

> >  

> >

> >

> > Until I " met " ACT, I believed what my mind was telling me.  I also had

periods of time when I felt good because the external circumstances and

relationships in my life were good - only to fall flat on my face when those

things changed or disappeared.  My mind still forks out garbage every single

day, but I no longer buy into it.  I simply realize that my mind is

over-reacting in an effort to protect me from pain.  I am now at peace with the

" thought " that I am unworthy because I know it is JUST A THOUGHT.  Until you

can truly grasp that, Lin, you may not make very much progress, if you're at all

like me.  And we do come from similar backgrounds.

> >  

> >

> >

> > Stay with it, and keep on asking questions and posting here.  I also

suggest you re-read The Happiness Trap, slowly and thoughtfully, and try to

absorb its message. 

> >  

> >

> >

> > Helena

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry for your sadness. I was listening to Wayne Dwyer this morning,. He

said when he writes he has the cover made so it inspires him to write along with

pictures of people he admires and his own childern. He said if we imagine it

done or imagine us being then so it is. Imagine if your thoughts were saying

you are good, worthwhile , and just the wonderfull human being you are. I think

that sometimes, I notice my behavior changes when I buy into those thoughts

rather then the negative one. No more negative thoughts for us, because they're

just not true. Its only a thought we bought into as Helena would say. Let's buy

into the good thoughts and let those defeating thoughts sail quietly out of our

minds. Have a nice weekend everyone. I definetly am no matter what. Who is with

me?

Lin

..marcia@...> wrote:

>

> I appreciate all the support this group seems to have for each other. I also

am glad that I am not alone in this.

>

> See I searched for approval for so long from my mother who was a single mom

who worked full time and I also have an older brother who was the " favorite " . I

guess I am still trying at my age to get her to just say to me once that I am a

good person instead of saying it to myself.

>

> I have also sought out relationships that would validate me. I truly feel

sometimes that due to my past I will never be worthy of anyone not my own

children and not my family.

>

> I have been alone now for a few years, when I got ill my kids both went to

live with their fathers because I was not able to take care of them and they are

now the thing that keeps me going as well as a big part of why I feel that I am

not worth anything.

>

> I struggle so much just to get up in the morning and get going because I ask

myself why I am fighting so hard...then I look at the pictures of my little ones

on the wall and I remember but at the same time I fear that I will never be

worthy of the unconditional love that children have for their parents...no

matter what the parent does.

>

> I try to accept things as just thoughts and it works when I am able to pull

myself out of my depression for awhile however when I am feeling deeply

depressed I can not manage to pull myself out and I wonder what I am here for.

I mean both my children are well taken care of so what do they need me for. My

family and I no longer have communication with each other so they obviously

don't need me. So what am I here for and why do I keep fighting.

>

>

>

>

> >

> >

> >

> >  

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Lin, what I have learned is that you cannot look outside of yourself to feel

worthy.  You are worthy, and you can know that in spite of what your mind tells

you and even if you think you don't believe it.  If you expect a job or a

relationship to feed your sense of being worthy, it is just an illusion and the

minute the job or relationship ends - POOF! - there goes your worth. 

> >  

> >

> >

> > Until I " met " ACT, I believed what my mind was telling me.  I also had

periods of time when I felt good because the external circumstances and

relationships in my life were good - only to fall flat on my face when those

things changed or disappeared.  My mind still forks out garbage every single

day, but I no longer buy into it.  I simply realize that my mind is

over-reacting in an effort to protect me from pain.  I am now at peace with the

" thought " that I am unworthy because I know it is JUST A THOUGHT.  Until you

can truly grasp that, Lin, you may not make very much progress, if you're at all

like me.  And we do come from similar backgrounds.

> >  

> >

> >

> > Stay with it, and keep on asking questions and posting here.  I also

suggest you re-read The Happiness Trap, slowly and thoughtfully, and try to

absorb its message. 

> >  

> >

> >

> > Helena

> >

>

[Guest guest]

A thought is just a thought, Lin - I agree. Positive or negative or whatever. But my thoughts, at least, are con men, skilled actors who masquerade as other things. They have fooled me so often, I often forget there are thoughts at all! Instead, my head is filled with masterful productions, comedies and tragedies and soap operas, all so convincing I am so enthralled I can relive events from thirty years ago without even questioning the sanity of such a thing.

Marcia says she is less likely to question the identity of her thoughts when depressed, with the inference that their performance is strongly related to the depression - a cycle of hypnotic enchantment a little like being so engrossed in a movie I miss the phone ringing or the person calling me from the next room. It takes only a moment to turn away and take a breath, to take a break from the movie and remember reality, but what can get into my trance and remind me to do it?

Gotta luv the human mind!D

On Friday, June 15, 2012,  wrote:

 I am so sorry for your sadness. I was listening to Wayne Dwyer this morning,. He said when he writes he has the cover made so it inspires him to write along with pictures of people he admires and his own childern. He said if we imagine it done or imagine us being then so it is. Imagine if your thoughts were saying you are good, worthwhile , and just the wonderfull human being you are. I think that sometimes, I notice my behavior changes when I buy into those thoughts rather then the negative one. No more negative thoughts for us, because they're just not true. Its only a thought we bought into as Helena would say. Let's buy into the good thoughts and let those defeating thoughts sail quietly out of our minds. Have a nice weekend everyone. I definetly am no matter what. Who is with me?

Lin .marcia@...> wrote:>> I appreciate all the support this group seems to have for each other. I also am glad that I am not alone in this. > > See I searched for approval for so long from my mother who was a single mom who worked full time and I also have an older brother who was the " favorite " . I guess I am still trying at my age to get her to just say to me once that I am a good person instead of saying it to myself.

> > I have also sought out relationships that would validate me. I truly feel sometimes that due to my past I will never be worthy of anyone not my own children and not my family.> > I have been alone now for a few years, when I got ill my kids both went to live with their fathers because I was not able to take care of them and they are now the thing that keeps me going as well as a big part of why I feel that I am not worth anything.

> > I struggle so much just to get up in the morning and get going because I ask myself why I am fighting so hard...then I look at the pictures of my little ones on the wall and I remember but at the same time I fear that I will never be worthy of the unconditional love that children have for their parents...no matter what the parent does. 

> > I try to accept things as just thoughts and it works when I am able to pull myself out of my depression for awhile however when I am feeling deeply depressed I can not manage to pull myself out and I wonder what I am here for. I mean both my children are well taken care of so what do they need me for.  My family and I no longer have communication with each other so they obviously don't need me. So what am I here for and why do I keep fighting.

> 

-- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@...

[Guest guest]

A thought is just a thought, Lin - I agree. Positive or negative or whatever. But my thoughts, at least, are con men, skilled actors who masquerade as other things. They have fooled me so often, I often forget there are thoughts at all! Instead, my head is filled with masterful productions, comedies and tragedies and soap operas, all so convincing I am so enthralled I can relive events from thirty years ago without even questioning the sanity of such a thing.

Marcia says she is less likely to question the identity of her thoughts when depressed, with the inference that their performance is strongly related to the depression - a cycle of hypnotic enchantment a little like being so engrossed in a movie I miss the phone ringing or the person calling me from the next room. It takes only a moment to turn away and take a breath, to take a break from the movie and remember reality, but what can get into my trance and remind me to do it?

Gotta luv the human mind!D

On Friday, June 15, 2012,  wrote:

 I am so sorry for your sadness. I was listening to Wayne Dwyer this morning,. He said when he writes he has the cover made so it inspires him to write along with pictures of people he admires and his own childern. He said if we imagine it done or imagine us being then so it is. Imagine if your thoughts were saying you are good, worthwhile , and just the wonderfull human being you are. I think that sometimes, I notice my behavior changes when I buy into those thoughts rather then the negative one. No more negative thoughts for us, because they're just not true. Its only a thought we bought into as Helena would say. Let's buy into the good thoughts and let those defeating thoughts sail quietly out of our minds. Have a nice weekend everyone. I definetly am no matter what. Who is with me?

Lin .marcia@...> wrote:>> I appreciate all the support this group seems to have for each other. I also am glad that I am not alone in this. > > See I searched for approval for so long from my mother who was a single mom who worked full time and I also have an older brother who was the " favorite " . I guess I am still trying at my age to get her to just say to me once that I am a good person instead of saying it to myself.

> > I have also sought out relationships that would validate me. I truly feel sometimes that due to my past I will never be worthy of anyone not my own children and not my family.> > I have been alone now for a few years, when I got ill my kids both went to live with their fathers because I was not able to take care of them and they are now the thing that keeps me going as well as a big part of why I feel that I am not worth anything.

> > I struggle so much just to get up in the morning and get going because I ask myself why I am fighting so hard...then I look at the pictures of my little ones on the wall and I remember but at the same time I fear that I will never be worthy of the unconditional love that children have for their parents...no matter what the parent does. 

> > I try to accept things as just thoughts and it works when I am able to pull myself out of my depression for awhile however when I am feeling deeply depressed I can not manage to pull myself out and I wonder what I am here for. I mean both my children are well taken care of so what do they need me for.  My family and I no longer have communication with each other so they obviously don't need me. So what am I here for and why do I keep fighting.

> 

-- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@...

[Guest guest]

Lin, I think you are on the right track, but ACT views things slightly differently than Dr. Wayne Dyer does in this case (e.g., imagining positive things about yourself). That sounds like a good idea on the surface, but it doesn't make room for simple acceptance of negative thoughts without buying into them. Instead of saying "No more negative thoughts for me because they're just not true" (which is resistance), we could simply say "Hello" to those thoughts and let them be there without resistance. You can't order negative thoughts away or they will come on even stronger in short order. The more you try to deny their presence (e.g., by consciously switching to positive thoughts to replace the negative ones), the stronger they will become. This is a critical concept to grasp in ACT. It seems counter-intuitive, but when you finally get it, it has a lot of power to get you out of your mind and into your life. It may not be possible to let those negative thoughts "sail quietly out of your mind" but it is totally possible to just let them be there - make room for them - while quietly going about the business of living according to your values - in spite of those negative thoughts. Let them sit in your mind - say "hello" and pull up a chair for them. Perhaps you are thinking of the "leaves on the stream" exercise where you put each thought on a leaf and watch the leaves float down a stream. That can be a helpful metaphor - a way to view your thoughts as a stream of consciousness - but it will not remove them from your mind if they insist on being there. The stream itself is in your mind! So they will be there anyway, no matter what you do - but you do not have to let them have any power. Let them chatter on senselessly while you DO what you need to do. They may even start yelling as you imagine them floating down the stream. The chatter may quiet down eventually, just as squabbling children eventually quiet down - but you can't count on that. Expectations of a certain outcome are sure to disappoint; rather, we can let things unfold as they will when we live according to our values. HelenaFrom: "Darrell King" <DarrellGKinggmail>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, June 15, 2012 8:02:48 PMSubject: Re: Feeling unworthy and less than

A thought is just a thought, Lin - I agree. Positive or negative or whatever. But my thoughts, at least, are con men, skilled actors who masquerade as other things. They have fooled me so often, I often forget there are thoughts at all! Instead, my head is filled with masterful productions, comedies and tragedies and soap operas, all so convincing I am so enthralled I can relive events from thirty years ago without even questioning the sanity of such a thing.

Marcia says she is less likely to question the identity of her thoughts when depressed, with the inference that their performance is strongly related to the depression - a cycle of hypnotic enchantment a little like being so engrossed in a movie I miss the phone ringing or the person calling me from the next room. It takes only a moment to turn away and take a breath, to take a break from the movie and remember reality, but what can get into my trance and remind me to do it?

Gotta luv the human mind!D

I am so sorry for your sadness. I was listening to Wayne Dwyer this morning,. He said when he writes he has the cover made so it inspires him to write along with pictures of people he admires and his own childern. He said if we imagine it done or imagine us being then so it is. Imagine if your thoughts were saying you are good, worthwhile , and just the wonderfull human being you are. I think that sometimes, I notice my behavior changes when I buy into those thoughts rather then the negative one. No more negative thoughts for us, because they're just not true. Its only a thought we bought into as Helena would say. Let's buy into the good thoughts and let those defeating thoughts sail quietly out of our minds. Have a nice weekend everyone. I definetly am no matter what. Who is with me?

Lin .marcia@...> wrote:>> I appreciate all the support this group seems to have for each other. I also am glad that I am not alone in this. > > See I searched for approval for so long from my mother who was a single mom who worked full time and I also have an older brother who was the "favorite". I guess I am still trying at my age to get her to just say to me once that I am a good person instead of saying it to myself.

> > I have also sought out relationships that would validate me. I truly feel sometimes that due to my past I will never be worthy of anyone not my own children and not my family.> > I have been alone now for a few years, when I got ill my kids both went to live with their fathers because I was not able to take care of them and they are now the thing that keeps me going as well as a big part of why I feel that I am not worth anything.

> > I struggle so much just to get up in the morning and get going because I ask myself why I am fighting so hard...then I look at the pictures of my little ones on the wall and I remember but at the same time I fear that I will never be worthy of the unconditional love that children have for their parents...no matter what the parent does.

> > I try to accept things as just thoughts and it works when I am able to pull myself out of my depression for awhile however when I am feeling deeply depressed I can not manage to pull myself out and I wonder what I am here for. I mean both my children are well taken care of so what do they need me for. My family and I no longer have communication with each other so they obviously don't need me. So what am I here for and why do I keep fighting.

>

-- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKinggmail

[Guest guest]

Being new to the list, I am reading so much that is meaningful to me and recognizing that there are others who are experiencing the same things or similar things. In particular, as Darrell mentions below, our thoughts as con men and the fact that they have fooled me and still fool me. My thoughts from 50 years ago still come back to haunt me. In addition, there are my perceptions or events in the present that still haunt me.

Lin, I think you are on the right track, but ACT views things slightly differently than Dr. Wayne Dyer does in this case (e.g., imagining positive things about yourself). That sounds like a good idea on the surface, but it doesn't make room for simple acceptance of negative thoughts without buying into them. Instead of saying "No more negative thoughts for me because they're just not true" (which is resistance), we could simply say "Hello" to those thoughts and let them be there without resistance. You can't order negative thoughts away or they will come on even stronger in short order. The more you try to deny their presence (e.g., by consciously switching to positive thoughts to replace the negative ones), the stronger they will become. This is a critical concept to grasp in ACT. It seems co

unter-intuitive, but when you finally get it, it has a lot of power to get you out of your mind and into your life. It may not be possible to let those negative thoughts "sail quietly out of your mind" but it is totally possible to just let them be there - make room for them - while quietly going about the business of living according to your values - in spite of those negative thoughts. Let them sit in your mind - say "hello" and pull up a chair for them. Perhaps you are thinking of the "leaves on the stream" exercise where you put each thought on a leaf and watch the leaves float down a stream. That can be a helpful metaphor - a way to view your thoughts as a stream of consciousness - but it will not remove them from your mind if they insist on being there. The stream itself is in your mind! So they will be there anyway, no matter what you do - but you do not have

to let them have any power. Let them chatter on senselessly while you DO what you need to do. They may even start yelling as you imagine them floating down the stream. The chatter may quiet down eventually, just as squabbling children eventually quiet down - but you can't count on that. Expectations of a certain outcome are sure to disappoint; rather, we can let things unfold as they will when we live according to our values. HelenaFrom: "Darrell King" <DarrellGKinggmail>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, June

15, 2012 8:02:48 PMSubject: Re: Feeling unworthy and less than

A thought is just a thought, Lin - I agree. Positive or negative or whatever. But my thoughts, at least, are con men, skilled actors who masquerade as other things. They have fooled me so often, I often forget there are thoughts at all! Instead, my head is filled with masterful productions, comedies and tragedies and soap operas, all so convincing I am so enthralled I can relive events from thirty years ago without even questioning the sanity of such a thing.

Marcia says she is less likely to question the identity of her thoughts when depressed, with the inference that their performance is strongly related to the depression - a cycle of hypnotic enchantment a little like being so engrossed in a movie I miss the phone ringing or the person calling me from the next room. It takes only a moment to turn away and take a breath, to take a break from the movie and remember reality, but what can get into my trance and remind me to do it?

Gotta luv the human mind!D

I am so sorry for your sadness. I was listening to Wayne Dwyer this morning,. He said when he writes he has the cover made so it inspires him to write along with pictures of people he admires and his own childern. He said if we imagine it done or imagine us being then so it is. Imagine if your thoughts were saying you are good, worthwhile , and just the wonderfull human being you are. I think that sometimes, I notice my behavior changes when I buy into those thoughts rather then the negative one. No more negative thoughts for us, because they're just not true. Its only a thought we bought into as Helena would say. Let's buy into the good thoughts and let those defeating thoughts sail quietly out of our minds. H

ave a nice weekend everyone. I definetly am no matter what. Who is with me?

Lin .marcia@...> wrote:>> I appreciate all the support this group seems to have for each other. I also am glad that I am not alone in this. > > See I searched for approval for so long from my mother who was a single mom who worked full time and I also have an older brother who was the "favorite". I guess I am still trying at my age to get her to just say to me once that I am a good person instead of saying it to myself.

> > I have also sought out relationships that would validate me. I truly feel sometimes that due to my past I will never be worthy of anyone not my own children and not my family.> > I have been alone now for a few years, when I got ill my kids both went to live with their fathers because I was not able to take care of them and they are now the thing that keeps me going as well as a big part of why I feel that I am not worth anything.

> > I struggle so much just to get up in the morning and get going because I ask myself why I am fighting so hard...then I look at the pictures of my little ones on the wall and I remember but at the same time I fear that I will never be worthy of the unconditional love that children have for their parents...no matter what the parent does.

> > I try to accept things as just thoughts and it works when I am able to pull myself out of my depression for awhile however when I am feeling deeply depressed I can not manage to pull myself out and I wonder what I am here for. I mean both my children are well taken care of so what do they need me for. My family and I no longer have communication with each other so they obviously don't need me. So what am I here for and why do I keep fighting.

>

-- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKinggmail

[Guest guest]

Being new to the list, I am reading so much that is meaningful to me and recognizing that there are others who are experiencing the same things or similar things. In particular, as Darrell mentions below, our thoughts as con men and the fact that they have fooled me and still fool me. My thoughts from 50 years ago still come back to haunt me. In addition, there are my perceptions or events in the present that still haunt me.

Lin, I think you are on the right track, but ACT views things slightly differently than Dr. Wayne Dyer does in this case (e.g., imagining positive things about yourself). That sounds like a good idea on the surface, but it doesn't make room for simple acceptance of negative thoughts without buying into them. Instead of saying "No more negative thoughts for me because they're just not true" (which is resistance), we could simply say "Hello" to those thoughts and let them be there without resistance. You can't order negative thoughts away or they will come on even stronger in short order. The more you try to deny their presence (e.g., by consciously switching to positive thoughts to replace the negative ones), the stronger they will become. This is a critical concept to grasp in ACT. It seems co

unter-intuitive, but when you finally get it, it has a lot of power to get you out of your mind and into your life. It may not be possible to let those negative thoughts "sail quietly out of your mind" but it is totally possible to just let them be there - make room for them - while quietly going about the business of living according to your values - in spite of those negative thoughts. Let them sit in your mind - say "hello" and pull up a chair for them. Perhaps you are thinking of the "leaves on the stream" exercise where you put each thought on a leaf and watch the leaves float down a stream. That can be a helpful metaphor - a way to view your thoughts as a stream of consciousness - but it will not remove them from your mind if they insist on being there. The stream itself is in your mind! So they will be there anyway, no matter what you do - but you do not have

to let them have any power. Let them chatter on senselessly while you DO what you need to do. They may even start yelling as you imagine them floating down the stream. The chatter may quiet down eventually, just as squabbling children eventually quiet down - but you can't count on that. Expectations of a certain outcome are sure to disappoint; rather, we can let things unfold as they will when we live according to our values. HelenaFrom: "Darrell King" <DarrellGKinggmail>To: "ACT for the Public" <ACT_for_the_Public >Sent: Friday, June

15, 2012 8:02:48 PMSubject: Re: Feeling unworthy and less than

A thought is just a thought, Lin - I agree. Positive or negative or whatever. But my thoughts, at least, are con men, skilled actors who masquerade as other things. They have fooled me so often, I often forget there are thoughts at all! Instead, my head is filled with masterful productions, comedies and tragedies and soap operas, all so convincing I am so enthralled I can relive events from thirty years ago without even questioning the sanity of such a thing.

Marcia says she is less likely to question the identity of her thoughts when depressed, with the inference that their performance is strongly related to the depression - a cycle of hypnotic enchantment a little like being so engrossed in a movie I miss the phone ringing or the person calling me from the next room. It takes only a moment to turn away and take a breath, to take a break from the movie and remember reality, but what can get into my trance and remind me to do it?

Gotta luv the human mind!D

I am so sorry for your sadness. I was listening to Wayne Dwyer this morning,. He said when he writes he has the cover made so it inspires him to write along with pictures of people he admires and his own childern. He said if we imagine it done or imagine us being then so it is. Imagine if your thoughts were saying you are good, worthwhile , and just the wonderfull human being you are. I think that sometimes, I notice my behavior changes when I buy into those thoughts rather then the negative one. No more negative thoughts for us, because they're just not true. Its only a thought we bought into as Helena would say. Let's buy into the good thoughts and let those defeating thoughts sail quietly out of our minds. H

ave a nice weekend everyone. I definetly am no matter what. Who is with me?

Lin .marcia@...> wrote:>> I appreciate all the support this group seems to have for each other. I also am glad that I am not alone in this. > > See I searched for approval for so long from my mother who was a single mom who worked full time and I also have an older brother who was the "favorite". I guess I am still trying at my age to get her to just say to me once that I am a good person instead of saying it to myself.

> > I have also sought out relationships that would validate me. I truly feel sometimes that due to my past I will never be worthy of anyone not my own children and not my family.> > I have been alone now for a few years, when I got ill my kids both went to live with their fathers because I was not able to take care of them and they are now the thing that keeps me going as well as a big part of why I feel that I am not worth anything.

> > I struggle so much just to get up in the morning and get going because I ask myself why I am fighting so hard...then I look at the pictures of my little ones on the wall and I remember but at the same time I fear that I will never be worthy of the unconditional love that children have for their parents...no matter what the parent does.

> > I try to accept things as just thoughts and it works when I am able to pull myself out of my depression for awhile however when I am feeling deeply depressed I can not manage to pull myself out and I wonder what I am here for. I mean both my children are well taken care of so what do they need me for. My family and I no longer have communication with each other so they obviously don't need me. So what am I here for and why do I keep fighting.

>

-- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKinggmail

[Guest guest]

I agree, Helena - you express these things elegantly.One issue I have faced is that of waking up enough to remember to step back from the stream, to remember that I am the not the character in the story my thoughts are telling, but rather i am the person reading the story, so to speak. I get caught up in the plot, or at least the current scene, and it becomes so real, so true, that the damage is done before I snap out of it.

Just for the record, I have gotten better. I realized over time that this is a skill, like swimming, and so understanding it could only take me so far-practice is needed to actually use it. I began the basic practice in earnest, doing breathing exercises first, then watching the body, then the thoughts, and I grew stronger. Nowadays, I wake up very quickly when the stories start. My mind is better trained because of these mental workouts.

I remember the early days, though, and how real the stories and their associated emotional content seemed, and I empathize with folks who find some of them so compelling they feel submerged in them. Sortta like being trapped in a nightmare, with escape only an eyeblink away, but not knowing I can wake up to it....?

D

 

Lin, I think you are on the right track, but ACT views things slightly differently than Dr. Wayne Dyer does in this case (e.g., imagining positive things about yourself). That sounds like a good idea on the surface, but it doesn't make room for simple acceptance of negative thoughts without buying into them.  Instead of saying " No more negative thoughts for me because they're just not true " (which is resistance), we could simply say " Hello " to those thoughts and let them be there without resistance.  You can't order negative thoughts away or they will come on even stronger in short order.  The more you try to deny their presence (e.g., by consciously switching to positive thoughts to replace the negative ones), the stronger they will become.  This is a critical concept to grasp in ACT.  It seems counter-intuitive, but when you finally get it, it has a lot of power to get you out of your mind and into your life.  

It may not be possible to let those negative thoughts " sail quietly out of your mind " but it is totally possible to just let them be there - make room for them - while quietly going about the business of living according to your values - in spite of those negative thoughts.  Let them sit in your mind - say " hello " and pull up a chair for them.  Perhaps you are thinking of the " leaves on the stream " exercise where you put each thought on a leaf and watch the leaves float down a stream.  That can be a helpful metaphor - a way to view your thoughts as a stream of consciousness  - but it will not remove them from your mind if they insist on being there.  The stream itself is in your mind!  So they will be there anyway, no matter what you do - but you do not have to let them have any power.  Let them chatter on senselessly while you DO what you need to do.  They may even start yelling as you imagine them floating down the stream.  The chatter may quiet down eventually, just as squabbling children eventually quiet down - but you can't count on that.  Expectations of a certain outcome are sure to disappoint; rather, we can let things unfold as they will when we live according to our values.  

HelenaFrom: " Darrell King " <DarrellGKinggmail>

To: " ACT for the Public " <ACT_for_the_Public >

Sent: Friday, June 15, 2012 8:02:48 PMSubject: Re: Feeling unworthy and less than

 

A thought is just a thought, Lin - I agree. Positive or negative or whatever. But my thoughts, at least, are con men, skilled actors who masquerade as other things. They have fooled me so often, I often forget there are thoughts at all! Instead, my head is filled with masterful productions, comedies and tragedies and soap operas, all so convincing I am so enthralled I can relive events from thirty years ago without even questioning the sanity of such a thing.

Marcia says she is less likely to question the identity of her thoughts when depressed, with the inference that their performance is strongly related to the depression - a cycle of hypnotic enchantment a little like being so engrossed in a movie I miss the phone ringing or the person calling me from the next room. It takes only a moment to turn away and take a breath, to take a break from the movie and remember reality, but what can get into my trance and remind me to do it?

Gotta luv the human mind!D

-- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@...