Don’t be discouraged. from Y and We can be heroes from Detlef.

May 22, 2012

I posted this yesterday and then deleted it, because it sounded 'stupid'. I

really want to share it to thank and Detlef for their posts.

Don't be discouraged. We can be heroes.

This morning, Monday morning, I am discouraged beyond despair and have been in

bed, escaping, numbing, and sleeping for 4 days. Today I was going to go to my

last week of TMS (Transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatments and tell them.

" " I quit. It is not working, when I tell `you' what is going on you do not

listen you do not understand. OK, maybe I will finish out the week, but I will

not speak to you at all, everything gets mixed up when I speak, you, the TMS

tech don't write what I am experiencing correctly to the psychiatrist, when I

met with the psychiatrist last week, he was impatient, incredulous at the things

I was worrying about, and, in my mind, threw up his hands and said I could quit

whenever I want, said I was intentionally looking for ways to keep myself

sick. " "

Prior to the last 4 days I had been sleeping a lot. On Thursday he increased a

med for anxiety and I attribute that to my sleeping nonstop (beyond 'alot'for

the last 4 days. " "

I am discouraged, I wouldn't have `seen' my pattern of `'giving up'' without

Y's post. Jung said: " when an inner condition not make conscious. It

appears outside as fate. " it nearly the first time I observe how my habit turns

into fate.

Without Detlef's link to 's TED presentation I was determined to revert to

decades of behavior. Not speaking because it doesn't work, people do not

understand, I am hurt by the responses I hear, I cannot make myself clear, I

blurt out things that are inappropriate, like someone else has taken over my

mouth. I experience incredulous responses when I interact with people.

After 40 years of religious faith I have lost all faith in anything. I don't

want to call this moment of `coincidence' a miracle. I don't know what to

accurately call it, but I am very overwhelmed. I am off to shower and drive to

an appointment and cooperate with people who are trying to help me. I am not

calling to cancel another appointment I have this afternoon, week 3 of a 9 week

series called `Foundations of DBT'. A requirement prior to entering a yearlong

3x's/week DBT program.

ps. decreased meds back to what they were. am now more awake during the day.

Wanda in Albuquerque

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