Guest guest Posted March 6, 2008 Report Share Posted March 6, 2008 By the way, the song I was listening to was " The Hand that Feeds " by Nine Inch Nails. Here are the lyrics: You're keeping in step In the line Got your chin held high and you feel just fine Because you do What you're told But inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold Just how deep do you believe? Will you bite the hand that feeds? Will you chew until it bleeds? Can you get up off your knees? Are you brave enough to see? Do you want to change it? What if this whole crusade's A charade And behind it all there's a price to be paid For the blood On which we dine Justified in the name of the holy and the divine Just how deep do you believe? Will you bite the hand that feeds? Will you chew until it bleeds? Can you get up off your knees? Are you brave enough to see? Do you want to change it? So naive I keep holding on to what I want to believe I can see But I keep holding on and on and on and on Will you bite the hand that feeds you? Will you stay down on your knees? [8X] > > As a child who has been raised by a BP Nada...do any of you notices > patterns you go through emotionally? > > I have my compulsive spending phase. > > I have my must dominate and have control phase. > > Of course my perfectionist phase. > > There is my " I suck at everything why try " phase. > > > Any of you go through this?? > > I was driving home from work (I had a great day so far, by the way) > and a song on the radio reminded me of my Nada and the family I don't > have. Anger shot through me and it was all I could think about for > 15 minutes before I realized what was happening to me. My chest > tightened, my adrenaline was spiking, and once I noticed it- it > shifted TO MY HUSBAND. All of a sudden I was upset with him, and I > don't know why. I just kept analyzing his faults- it was like brain > attack. I haven't shared any of this with my husband yet, because > I'm afraid of what it means. Maybe its just a phase I'm going > through? > > Am I developing BPD??? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 6, 2008 Report Share Posted March 6, 2008 Oh boy - Bernadette - can't songs just reach out and grab you sometimes? Yes - I go through these phases of being angry at my nada, then angry at the situation, and then my anger will jump over to something else. I think it's normal given what the kids of BP's have gone through. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it, but it's good that you recognize the " flare up. " I am constantly working on keep my emotions from spiking and I decided to really cut myself some slack. When I start boiling over I use it as a queue to stop and start asking myself some questions. Things like - what about my reaction might be rooted in some deep hurt I suffered from my nada. Sometimes I hate admitting that it's all about her, but it usually is. So - I put my observer hat on and try to calm down and take a look at what is really going on. It sounds dorky, but I find that I also have to take a minute to remind myself about what is good about being me and being in my life. It really brings things down a notch or two. About the lyrics - I know the Dixie Chicks couldn't be farther away from Nine Inch Nails, but I heard this song by them and it said some things I'd like to say...I'm not a big country music fan, but it's a good one to sing out loud in the car. So is " Why " by Annie Lenox. Not Ready To Make Nice lyrics Forgive, sounds good Forget, I’m not sure I could They say time heals everything But I’m still waiting I’m through with doubt There’s nothing left for me to figure out I’ve paid a price And I’ll keep paying I’m not ready to make nice I’m not ready to back down I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round It’s too late to make it right I probably wouldn’t if I could ‘Cause I’m mad as hell Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should I know you said Can’t you just get over it It turned my whole world around And I kind of like it I made my bed and I sleep like a baby With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’ It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger And how in the world can the words that I said Send somebody so over the edge That they’d write me a letter Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing Or my life will be over I’m not ready to make nice I’m not ready to back down I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round It’s too late to make it right I probably wouldn’t if I could ‘Cause I’m mad as hell Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should I’m not ready to make nice I’m not ready to back down I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round It’s too late to make it right I probably wouldn’t if I could ‘Cause I’m mad as hell Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should Forgive, sounds good Forget, I’m not sure I could They say time heals everything But I’m still waiting Re: Phases By the way, the song I was listening to was " The Hand that Feeds " by Nine Inch Nails. Here are the lyrics: You're keeping in step In the line Got your chin held high and you feel just fine Because you do What you're told But inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold Just how deep do you believe? Will you bite the hand that feeds? Will you chew until it bleeds? Can you get up off your knees? Are you brave enough to see? Do you want to change it? What if this whole crusade's A charade And behind it all there's a price to be paid For the blood On which we dine Justified in the name of the holy and the divine Just how deep do you believe? Will you bite the hand that feeds? Will you chew until it bleeds? Can you get up off your knees? Are you brave enough to see? Do you want to change it? So naive I keep holding on to what I want to believe I can see But I keep holding on and on and on and on Will you bite the hand that feeds you? Will you stay down on your knees? [8X] > > As a child who has been raised by a BP Nada...do any of you notices > patterns you go through emotionally? > > I have my compulsive spending phase. > > I have my must dominate and have control phase. > > Of course my perfectionist phase. > > There is my " I suck at everything why try " phase. > > > Any of you go through this?? > > I was driving home from work (I had a great day so far, by the way) > and a song on the radio reminded me of my Nada and the family I don't > have. Anger shot through me and it was all I could think about for > 15 minutes before I realized what was happening to me. My chest > tightened, my adrenaline was spiking, and once I noticed it- it > shifted TO MY HUSBAND. All of a sudden I was upset with him, and I > don't know why. I just kept analyzing his faults- it was like brain > attack. I haven't shared any of this with my husband yet, because > I'm afraid of what it means. Maybe its just a phase I'm going > through? > > Am I developing BPD??? > ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 6, 2008 Report Share Posted March 6, 2008 Oh, honey you're not developing BPD! But I do it too. It seems like every week I'll go into a panic thinking I'm the BPD and its all me, I'm victimizing my mother and may very well hurt the people I love. I'll get home and start pestering my partner with questions about my behavior to make sure. As someone on this board (Kyla or Bunny I think) told me almost a year ago, if you think you're BPD, you're most likely not. Even so, its so surreal, and painful to doubt your own sanity. As to the rest, I absolutely have those phases. Frequently! The compulsive spending is under control (thankfully). That was something I had a big problem with when I had contact with Nada. I spent WAY more than I could afford to and am still paying those debts, but only a couple months after I went NC, the urge to go out and spend money was much more manageable and having to pay those bills, with all the interest that's accumulated, was definitely a help! Now when I feel the need to shop, I go to a website and put items in the shopping cart, then close the browser. I 'shopped' more or less, but spent no money. Do the dominate, perfectionist and 'I suck at everything' go in order for you? They do for me and I wondered if you put them in that order for that reason. As example, I actually got promoted this week. Well, first I was laid off and then promoted in a weird, complex maneuvering of positions and offices. But as of Monday, I'll be the boss and essentially running a small business, I've got budgets, marketing reports and demographics and stragetic plans on my desk now. They're a little intimidating. The position requires a BA in business at the minimum! The preference is an MA. I have 60 hours of college credit in the liberal arts. I was offered the position purely on the basis of what I've already done here, which is a HUGE compliment. I can't believe the higher-ups have enough faith in the abilites of me, a 24 year old secretary, to actually make me the boss. I'm the youngest manager nationwide, by a fairly wide gap, and as far as I know the only girl (definitely the only gay person). So of course, the perfectionism kicks in. I'm the least qualified and the minority, so I have to be the very best. But as you said, " I suck at everything I do, so why try? " . I've been yo-yoing between " must be the best, must kick ass, can not make a single mistake " to " I'm not even qualified, they must not know what they're doing, I'll mess up, I'll just be a disappointment, I'll betray the faith they're putting me. " And what do I end up doing with all that? Fighting with my partner. We had an argument last night and again this morning and she doesn't deserve that. She'll do or say something that might annoy me a little on a normal day, but I'd never snap at her or even really mention it. But in that frame of mind, it becomes all I think about and I feel compelled to say something, which has led to two fights in two days. That's a lot for us. Due to our work schedules we only see each other for two hours each night, besides the weekends, and we never want to waste those fighting. Great post by the way, you have a knack for stating complex things very simply. Jae Phases As a child who has been raised by a BP Nada...do any of you notices patterns you go through emotionally? I have my compulsive spending phase. I have my must dominate and have control phase. Of course my perfectionist phase. There is my " I suck at everything why try " phase. Any of you go through this?? I was driving home from work (I had a great day so far, by the way) and a song on the radio reminded me of my Nada and the family I don't have. Anger shot through me and it was all I could think about for 15 minutes before I realized what was happening to me. My chest tightened, my adrenaline was spiking, and once I noticed it- it shifted TO MY HUSBAND. All of a sudden I was upset with him, and I don't know why. I just kept analyzing his faults- it was like brain attack. I haven't shared any of this with my husband yet, because I'm afraid of what it means. Maybe its just a phase I'm going through? Am I developing BPD??? ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 6, 2008 Report Share Posted March 6, 2008 Anger shot through me and it was all I could think about for > 15 minutes before I realized what was happening to me. My chest > tightened, my adrenaline was spiking, and once I noticed it- it > shifted TO MY HUSBAND. All of a sudden I was upset with him, and I > don't know why. I just kept analyzing his faults- it was like brain > attack. I haven't shared any of this with my husband yet, because > I'm afraid of what it means. Maybe its just a phase I'm going > through? > > Am I developing BPD??? > No, you're probably not developing bpd ;-) As far as the sudden transference of anger to your husband, I can relate to that. Are any of his behaviors triggering you? I ask because for a long time I thought I had a really perfect marriage, and then I realized we're just both repressers who avoid conflict. We still have regular issues like everyone else, we just didn't know how to get them out! I've learned that the things that make me maddest are usually boundary violations--sometimes boundaries that I haven't been consciously aware of until I feel upset. If you are transferring anger at your parent onto your husband, I see a couple of possible reasons for that: 1. it is too hard for you to be angry at your parent so you need a safer target (based on your post, I doubt this option fits) or, 2. your husband is doing things that make you feel the way your parent made you feel. This is what happens to me. I have found that setting boundaries, respecting myself--including my right to feel angry!, and communicating with my husband about the things that bother me are the best tools to help. Of course, it helps to calm down as much as possible before the discussion so that I can think more clearly and speak to him in a more respectful manner. Hang in there, and I wish you the best as you work through your feelings =) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 7, 2008 Report Share Posted March 7, 2008 wow, that is tough. I wonder if there is a support group out there for parnters of TBI's or PTSD combat veterans. That is like a double whammy, they have similar symptoms, I think. Maybe you could write down the behavior that bothers you, bring in a trusted third party like a counselor or one of his doctors, and talk about the behavior? Do it in a fashion/environment where he is less likely to fly off the handle. Are there programs like family counseling available through his military benefits. It sounds like you need support, that sounds like an awful lot on your shoulders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2008 Report Share Posted March 10, 2008 in one of those odd moments of clarity, my Nada said " your emotions are not your fault, what you do with them is. " This means that you are perfectly entitled to *feel* any way you feel, if you weren't supposed to feel that way based on who you are *right now*, then you wouldn't. If your feelings are making you uncomfortable, you have an opportunity to look at why. So it's fine to be angry, but it might not be fine to act on that anger until you have done a bit of reflecting. Still, we're all human, so if you do fly off the handle, make it right, notice what happened, and try to learn from it without becoming wrought with guilt. It's ok to set a boundary along the lines of " I'm really angry right now and am leaving to cool off " and then to turn around and leave the room with no further explanation. so, for example, #4 on your list is not something I would beat myself up over. Not wanting to feel the way you do is just going to complicate things because now you have unwanted feelings about your unwanted feelings. Step back, take a deep breath, and just observe. Notice how your body feels, are you tense? Are you holding your breath? Sweating? What are you thinking of? Is it what's happening now? One thing I've been working on now is discovering how much of my conflict with my husband is all in my head. I realize that your situation will be different, it looks like you're dealing with some very real obstacles. In my case, it was little things like assuming that my husbands inflection in saying something carried the same weight that Nada's did. It took me a while to realize that the subtext wasn't there with my husband, just because he happened to sound like Nada when he said something didn't mean he was Nada. Setting boundaries is something you can work with, but remember it's not all about you. Every rational person in your household, and by rational I mean capable of reason which happens at about 8 years old, is responsible for setting boundaries and what they do. So it's not your " fault " that you don't have boundaries. It's not anyones fault really. No more than it's an infants " fault " that they cannot yet walk. You are where you are, and you got there in perfect time and with the perfect tools. You are aware of where you are and where you want to be, and are actively seeking to get there. Good Job! It might be helpful to seek an outside perspective (counselor) to help in these first few steps. Setting clear boundaries isn't something that comes naturally to us. It seems like it should, but think about it; childhood is where we should have learned this stuff, but we were busy learning how to survive in a hurricane. Now we're grown-ups and are having to fill in the gaps. That's perfectly o.k. Keep reading those books, and eventually it will begin to " click " . Some questions in your search for boundaries are " what makes me angry/uncomfortable/etc? " " why do I think I feel this way? " " how do I want it to be? " " how can I be respectful of (the person pissing me off) while being respectful of myself? " Keep us posted! Delta > > My husband definitely violates my boundaries. Namely my son, his > step son. I explode inside when he does it but don't feel like I can > say anything to him because > 1) he doesn't understand my point 98% of the time. > 2) he has severe combat related post traumatic stress and a brain > injury- so he gets defensive very easily, missing my point 98% of the > time. > 3) I don't know what to say or how to say it. > 4) I don't want to be angry with him. > 5) I feel like its my fault because I'm the one who doesn't know how > to clearly set boundaries in a respectful way yet. (yes I have the > books, so many to get through lol, I'm not finished yet with all of > them) > > How do you peoples set boundaries? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2008 Report Share Posted March 10, 2008 When you figure out how to set boundaries without it blowing up in your face please let me know. It is hard because it seems that there are no safe places to say, look this is why I am hurting, you may not understand it but let me at least tell you so that we can work it out. No one has the right to put you down or tell you that you are not justified in feeling hurt. If you hurt it is because someone did or said something and you reacted to it. None of us are made of stone even though we might like to be. I wish nothing my family did pushed my buttons. I am working to get to a point where I can let it go and not take it personally. I think the key is to find a place where you can work things out in your head and look for patterns. If you are not keeping a journal, then please start one. It helps in two ways: first, it is not judgemental in any way and won't carry tales, second, by writing out what triggered the explosion and how you dealt with it you can prepare yourself for the next time recognize the situation and react differently. They won't change, but you can. Good luck. Re: Phases in one of those odd moments of clarity, my Nada said " your emotions are not your fault, what you do with them is. " This means that you are perfectly entitled to *feel* any way you feel, if you weren't supposed to feel that way based on who you are *right now*, then you wouldn't. If your feelings are making you uncomfortable, you have an opportunity to look at why. So it's fine to be angry, but it might not be fine to act on that anger until you have done a bit of reflecting.. Still, we're all human, so if you do fly off the handle, make it right, notice what happened, and try to learn from it without becoming wrought with guilt. It's ok to set a boundary along the lines of " I'm really angry right now and am leaving to cool off " and then to turn around and leave the room with no further explanation. so, for example, #4 on your list is not something I would beat myself up over. Not wanting to feel the way you do is just going to complicate things because now you have unwanted feelings about your unwanted feelings. Step back, take a deep breath, and just observe. Notice how your body feels, are you tense? Are you holding your breath? Sweating? What are you thinking of? Is it what's happening now? One thing I've been working on now is discovering how much of my conflict with my husband is all in my head. I realize that your situation will be different, it looks like you're dealing with some very real obstacles. In my case, it was little things like assuming that my husbands inflection in saying something carried the same weight that Nada's did. It took me a while to realize that the subtext wasn't there with my husband, just because he happened to sound like Nada when he said something didn't mean he was Nada. Setting boundaries is something you can work with, but remember it's not all about you. Every rational person in your household, and by rational I mean capable of reason which happens at about 8 years old, is responsible for setting boundaries and what they do.. So it's not your " fault " that you don't have boundaries. It's not anyones fault really. No more than it's an infants " fault " that they cannot yet walk. You are where you are, and you got there in perfect time and with the perfect tools. You are aware of where you are and where you want to be, and are actively seeking to get there. Good Job! It might be helpful to seek an outside perspective (counselor) to help in these first few steps. Setting clear boundaries isn't something that comes naturally to us. It seems like it should, but think about it; childhood is where we should have learned this stuff, but we were busy learning how to survive in a hurricane. Now we're grown-ups and are having to fill in the gaps.. That's perfectly o.k. Keep reading those books, and eventually it will begin to " click " . Some questions in your search for boundaries are " what makes me angry/uncomfortable /etc? " " why do I think I feel this way? " " how do I want it to be? " " how can I be respectful of (the person pissing me off) while being respectful of myself? " Keep us posted! Delta > > My husband definitely violates my boundaries. Namely my son, his > step son. I explode inside when he does it but don't feel like I can > say anything to him because > 1) he doesn't understand my point 98% of the time. > 2) he has severe combat related post traumatic stress and a brain > injury- so he gets defensive very easily, missing my point 98% of the > time. > 3) I don't know what to say or how to say it. > 4) I don't want to be angry with him. > 5) I feel like its my fault because I'm the one who doesn't know how > to clearly set boundaries in a respectful way yet. (yes I have the > books, so many to get through lol, I'm not finished yet with all of > them) > > How do you peoples set boundaries? ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page. http://www.yahoo..com/r/hs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2008 Report Share Posted March 10, 2008 you are soooo right!! You can set boundaries with just about anyone but borderlines... not so much. I am journaling too. It does help to form better reactions and reaction times for the future, with everyone actually. I found it also helps to write open letters to de nada (in the journal, i dont send them to her). Since she defends and lies through every confrontation it feels to get it all out on paper, uninterrupted and un-defended... It helps me anyway Re: Phases in one of those odd moments of clarity, my Nada said " your emotions are not your fault, what you do with them is. " This means that you are perfectly entitled to *feel* any way you feel, if you weren't supposed to feel that way based on who you are *right now*, then you wouldn't. If your feelings are making you uncomfortable, you have an opportunity to look at why. So it's fine to be angry, but it might not be fine to act on that anger until you have done a bit of reflecting.. Still, we're all human, so if you do fly off the handle, make it right, notice what happened, and try to learn from it without becoming wrought with guilt. It's ok to set a boundary along the lines of " I'm really angry right now and am leaving to cool off " and then to turn around and leave the room with no further explanation. so, for example, #4 on your list is not something I would beat myself up over. Not wanting to feel the way you do is just going to complicate things because now you have unwanted feelings about your unwanted feelings. Step back, take a deep breath, and just observe. Notice how your body feels, are you tense? Are you holding your breath? Sweating? What are you thinking of? Is it what's happening now? One thing I've been working on now is discovering how much of my conflict with my husband is all in my head. I realize that your situation will be different, it looks like you're dealing with some very real obstacles. In my case, it was little things like assuming that my husbands inflection in saying something carried the same weight that Nada's did. It took me a while to realize that the subtext wasn't there with my husband, just because he happened to sound like Nada when he said something didn't mean he was Nada. Setting boundaries is something you can work with, but remember it's not all about you. Every rational person in your household, and by rational I mean capable of reason which happens at about 8 years old, is responsible for setting boundaries and what they do.. So it's not your " fault " that you don't have boundaries. It's not anyones fault really. No more than it's an infants " fault " that they cannot yet walk. You are where you are, and you got there in perfect time and with the perfect tools. You are aware of where you are and where you want to be, and are actively seeking to get there. Good Job! It might be helpful to seek an outside perspective (counselor) to help in these first few steps. Setting clear boundaries isn't something that comes naturally to us. It seems like it should, but think about it; childhood is where we should have learned this stuff, but we were busy learning how to survive in a hurricane. Now we're grown-ups and are having to fill in the gaps.. That's perfectly o.k. Keep reading those books, and eventually it will begin to " click " . Some questions in your search for boundaries are " what makes me angry/uncomfortable /etc? " " why do I think I feel this way? " " how do I want it to be? " " how can I be respectful of (the person pissing me off) while being respectful of myself? " Keep us posted! Delta > > My husband definitely violates my boundaries. Namely my son, his > step son. I explode inside when he does it but don't feel like I can > say anything to him because > 1) he doesn't understand my point 98% of the time. > 2) he has severe combat related post traumatic stress and a brain > injury- so he gets defensive very easily, missing my point 98% of the > time. > 3) I don't know what to say or how to say it. > 4) I don't want to be angry with him. > 5) I feel like its my fault because I'm the one who doesn't know how > to clearly set boundaries in a respectful way yet. (yes I have the > books, so many to get through lol, I'm not finished yet with all of > them) > > How do you peoples set boundaries? ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page. http://www.yahoo..com/r/hs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2008 Report Share Posted March 10, 2008 I understand completely. I think I will try the open letters as well. Thank you for the suggestion. I actually feel pretty good about the confrontation I had today, I stayed on point every time she tried to twist it into something else. I told her exactly where it hurt and why. This board helped me do that. I look forward to the day I can do it and not cry like a baby through the whole thing. Thanks. Re: Phases in one of those odd moments of clarity, my Nada said " your emotions are not your fault, what you do with them is. " This means that you are perfectly entitled to *feel* any way you feel, if you weren't supposed to feel that way based on who you are *right now*, then you wouldn't. If your feelings are making you uncomfortable, you have an opportunity to look at why. So it's fine to be angry, but it might not be fine to act on that anger until you have done a bit of reflecting.. Still, we're all human, so if you do fly off the handle, make it right, notice what happened, and try to learn from it without becoming wrought with guilt. It's ok to set a boundary along the lines of " I'm really angry right now and am leaving to cool off " and then to turn around and leave the room with no further explanation. so, for example, #4 on your list is not something I would beat myself up over. Not wanting to feel the way you do is just going to complicate things because now you have unwanted feelings about your unwanted feelings. Step back, take a deep breath, and just observe. Notice how your body feels, are you tense? Are you holding your breath? Sweating? What are you thinking of? Is it what's happening now? One thing I've been working on now is discovering how much of my conflict with my husband is all in my head. I realize that your situation will be different, it looks like you're dealing with some very real obstacles. In my case, it was little things like assuming that my husbands inflection in saying something carried the same weight that Nada's did. It took me a while to realize that the subtext wasn't there with my husband, just because he happened to sound like Nada when he said something didn't mean he was Nada. Setting boundaries is something you can work with, but remember it's not all about you. Every rational person in your household, and by rational I mean capable of reason which happens at about 8 years old, is responsible for setting boundaries and what they do.. So it's not your " fault " that you don't have boundaries. It's not anyones fault really. No more than it's an infants " fault " that they cannot yet walk. You are where you are, and you got there in perfect time and with the perfect tools. You are aware of where you are and where you want to be, and are actively seeking to get there. Good Job! It might be helpful to seek an outside perspective (counselor) to help in these first few steps. Setting clear boundaries isn't something that comes naturally to us. It seems like it should, but think about it; childhood is where we should have learned this stuff, but we were busy learning how to survive in a hurricane. Now we're grown-ups and are having to fill in the gaps.. That's perfectly o.k. Keep reading those books, and eventually it will begin to " click " . Some questions in your search for boundaries are " what makes me angry/uncomfortable /etc? " " why do I think I feel this way? " " how do I want it to be? " " how can I be respectful of (the person pissing me off) while being respectful of myself? " Keep us posted! Delta > > My husband definitely violates my boundaries. Namely my son, his > step son. I explode inside when he does it but don't feel like I can > say anything to him because > 1) he doesn't understand my point 98% of the time. > 2) he has severe combat related post traumatic stress and a brain > injury- so he gets defensive very easily, missing my point 98% of the > time. > 3) I don't know what to say or how to say it. > 4) I don't want to be angry with him. > 5) I feel like its my fault because I'm the one who doesn't know how > to clearly set boundaries in a respectful way yet. (yes I have the > books, so many to get through lol, I'm not finished yet with all of > them) > > How do you peoples set boundaries? ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page. http://www.yahoo..com/r/hs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2008 Report Share Posted March 10, 2008 If I'm reading this right, I'm thinking we're getting out of synch. I didn't mean to say that anyone *shouldn't* be hurt by someone else's actions. When people do hurtful things to us, of course we feel hurt. I think maybe I mis-read the original post. I'm not suggesting that people should be made of stone and not feel their feelings. I meant to say the opposite, that our feelings are there for a reason and we should acknowledge them. I was just suggesting that when your feelings feel out of measure with the current situation, or when you find your feelings to be problematic, stepping back and looking at the situation might be helpful. You do bring up some interesting points. Foremost is how to set boundaries without it blowing up in your face. This is not always a reality. Unfortunately, when dealing with people " not-us " we have to acknowledge their free will to act and feel as freely as we are able to act and feel. Alas people with BPD are less likely to be respectful with their feelings than the general population (she said tongue firmly in cheek). When you are setting boundaries, you are disrupting the system. You are changing the way things are, shaking up the system. If the people in the system with you, (your family, for example) are really attached to and comfortable with that system, they are going to resist change. If the system involves you taking on responsibility or discomfort that doesn't technically belong to you, and if setting boundaries involves giving people their own crap back to them, odds are they won't be happy. This is part of the process, deciding how much discomfort you are willing to live with to defend your boundaries. Now, if you don't feel like you have a safe place to establish boundaries, that could be a whole other thing. If you feel like you would be physically harmed or your security or living situation would be harmed by changing up the rules, this is something that would best be worked out with a professional to whom you can tell the whole story and who is qualified to deal with these sticky situations. Sometimes you can't change your situation because the cost outweighs the benefit. Sometimes the most you can do is look at how you react to a situation and try to make the best of it. I hope this is a little clearer. Delta > > When you figure out how to set boundaries without it blowing up in your face please let me know. It is hard because it seems that there are no safe places to say, look this is why I am hurting, you may not understand it but let me at least tell you so that we can work it out. No one has the right to put you down or tell you that you are not justified in feeling hurt. If you hurt it is because someone did or said something and you reacted to it. None of us are made of stone even though we might like to be. I wish nothing my family did pushed my buttons. I am working to get to a point where I can let it go and not take it personally. I think the key is to find a place where you can work things out in your head and look for patterns. If you are not keeping a journal, then please start one. It helps in two ways: first, it is not judgemental in any way and won't carry tales, second, by writing out what triggered the explosion and how you dealt with it you can > prepare yourself for the next time recognize the situation and react differently. They won't change, but you can. Good luck. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2008 Report Share Posted March 10, 2008 Sometimes I do wish I were made out of stone where my family is concerned. I didn't take your post to mean that we should all be made out of stone. It's cool. I am still working through a lot of crap, I think some of it spilled over into my reply. Thanks. Re: Phases If I'm reading this right, I'm thinking we're getting out of synch. I didn't mean to say that anyone *shouldn't* be hurt by someone else's actions. When people do hurtful things to us, of course we feel hurt. I think maybe I mis-read the original post. I'm not suggesting that people should be made of stone and not feel their feelings. I meant to say the opposite, that our feelings are there for a reason and we should acknowledge them. I was just suggesting that when your feelings feel out of measure with the current situation, or when you find your feelings to be problematic, stepping back and looking at the situation might be helpful. You do bring up some interesting points. Foremost is how to set boundaries without it blowing up in your face. This is not always a reality. Unfortunately, when dealing with people " not-us " we have to acknowledge their free will to act and feel as freely as we are able to act and feel. Alas people with BPD are less likely to be respectful with their feelings than the general population (she said tongue firmly in cheek). When you are setting boundaries, you are disrupting the system. You are changing the way things are, shaking up the system. If the people in the system with you, (your family, for example) are really attached to and comfortable with that system, they are going to resist change. If the system involves you taking on responsibility or discomfort that doesn't technically belong to you, and if setting boundaries involves giving people their own crap back to them, odds are they won't be happy. This is part of the process, deciding how much discomfort you are willing to live with to defend your boundaries. Now, if you don't feel like you have a safe place to establish boundaries, that could be a whole other thing. If you feel like you would be physically harmed or your security or living situation would be harmed by changing up the rules, this is something that would best be worked out with a professional to whom you can tell the whole story and who is qualified to deal with these sticky situations. Sometimes you can't change your situation because the cost outweighs the benefit. Sometimes the most you can do is look at how you react to a situation and try to make the best of it. I hope this is a little clearer. Delta > > When you figure out how to set boundaries without it blowing up in your face please let me know. It is hard because it seems that there are no safe places to say, look this is why I am hurting, you may not understand it but let me at least tell you so that we can work it out. No one has the right to put you down or tell you that you are not justified in feeling hurt. If you hurt it is because someone did or said something and you reacted to it. None of us are made of stone even though we might like to be. I wish nothing my family did pushed my buttons. I am working to get to a point where I can let it go and not take it personally. I think the key is to find a place where you can work things out in your head and look for patterns. If you are not keeping a journal, then please start one. It helps in two ways: first, it is not judgemental in any way and won't carry tales, second, by writing out what triggered the explosion and how you dealt with it you can > prepare yourself for the next time recognize the situation and react differently. They won't change, but you can. Good luck. > ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 10, 2008 Report Share Posted March 10, 2008 > > " When you figure out how to set boundaries without it blowing up in your face please let me know. It is hard because it seems that there are no safe places to say, look this is why I am hurting, you may not understand it but let me at least tell you so that we can work it out. No one has the right to put you down or tell you that you are not justified in feeling hurt. If you hurt it is because someone did or said something and you reacted to it. None of us are made of stone even though we might like to be. I wish nothing my family did pushed my buttons. I am working to get to a point where I can let it go and not take it personally. I think the key is to find a place where you can work things out in your head and look for patterns. If you are not keeping a journal, then please start one. It helps in two ways: first, it is not judgemental in any way and won't carry tales, second, by writing out what triggered the explosion and how you dealt with it you can > prepare yourself for the next time recognize the situation and react differently. They won't change, but you can. Good luck. " thanks for that very succinct post. I know that when I react emotionally to my family's craziness it just gives them 'ammo' to portray me as 'the crazy one' which is what they want to do. I have a hard time 'pretending' that I don't feel like I feel. Learning that they have mental illness/personality disorder helps me not give their words so much weight. That has been an immense help, and it helps me react differently. I was always so hurt by their actions because I thought I needed to make them 'see' me, 'see' that what they were saying and the way they were reacting to me wasn't based in reality. That is a horrible, horrible place to be, that feeling of being so alone in the world is awful and thanks to finding the bpdcentral website and the wto groups I am not there anymore, most of the time. I never really understood until now that it is a rigged game, rigged against me. This knowledge has given me freedom but it has also increased the pain I have because I know now that my father and sister and sometimes my mother are being intentionally cruel to me because it suits their roles in this family. With them, and one brother who is a silent witness, it seems almost unforgiveable sometimes that they would do this. It's a sport to them. Except their 'prey' is becoming less and less reluctant to participate. To me, right now, this: " ...you can prepare yourself for the next time, recognize the situation and react differently " is everything. It's the first step. I don't know what the others will be, but I know that now that I KNOW and UNDERSTAND what they are doing and to what purpose they are USING me, (to keep in place a twisted, sick, cruel family dynamic) I do not want to give them the satisfaction of reacting to it anymore. I just want to pity them. I probably have a lot of anger to work through, and that is okay. Thanks for putting it so succinctly, even though the illness and it's causes are mind-boggling and complex, it's great that someone could describe how to deal with much of it in such simple terms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 21, 2011 Report Share Posted February 21, 2011 go into the Files section: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/LBDcaregivers/files/ go into the folder marked: LBD Phases List of Phases put together by the LBD Caring Spouses Group > > My husband was diagnosed with LBD 3 yrs ago and started on aricept (first 5mg, then 10mg). He did very well with it, that is, no problems related to it and his cognition improved significantly. He is now in at least phase 3, bordering on phase 4. Just recently the psychitrist added namenda to see if that would help. He could't take it because it caused a lot more problems with hallucinations and anxiety. His neurologist recommended that we try increasing the aricept to see if it would help. She says that some lewy body people really benefit from the increase, whereas the Alzheimer people don't. We have gone up to 15mg a day. I'm not sure if it is just my wishful thinking or if he really is more alert. > > > > I'm wondering if anyone else has increased aricept and what were their experiences. > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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