experiential avoidance

[Guest guest]

Hi, everyone.

Been a while since I have been posting. I just wanted to tell you about my

situation, and maybe you have some insight to share.

I have been struggling with depression and anxiety all my life, and for these

reasons I have not been able to complete an education. Now I work in a

bookstore, and I have been doing that since 2005, maybe (on and off). My last

bout of depression lasted maybe a whole year, from the summer of 2010 until the

summer of 2011. It started when I decided against going back to school (which I

was planning to do summer 2010). I fell straight into hellish depression, and

stayed there for almost a year.

When things started feeling better (around summer 2011), I thought that was

great (naturally). I wasn´t doing anything in particular, but seeing more of

friends and maybe reading a bit. Anyway, I have been feeling good for a year

now. And that is what I want to talk about. Cause it has been a year full of

joy, where I have been happy and feeling kind of self-assured. I have taken

little action, though. Mostly small social visits, hanging out, reading and

listening to music. But the overall feeling has been one of happiness.

So I have been passive, and it has been feeling good. I have been reading

Chuang-Tzu (taoist text), writings by Cage, and other texts to kind of

empower myself, and the thoughts " it doesn´t matter " have felt good. Whenever I

got worried about wasting my life, I could just think " it doesn´t matter " . I

love being in that state of happiness. Music sounds good, it feels good to be in

nature, watch movies. Just observing the world feels good, and I feel relaxed

(most of the time) and not self-critical.

I think if there is a subtext to my good feelings, it is " people are

stupid " (because they try too hard) and " it doesn´t matter " . Does that sound

crazy? I don´t know. It kind of backed up my passive stance, since I didn´t have

to involve myself then. If I didn´t care, how could it hurt me?

I think this fits quite nicely with experiential avoidance. Because I have been

avoiding feelings of defeat through not caring. But it has felt really good. I

don´t know if this is wrong.

Now I have applied for school again (geology), I have got a girlfriend, and I

have moved in with her. And now the anxiety is back. Old thoughts like " I´m a

failure " and " I´ll never get through school because of my social anxiety " , and

" my girlfriend can´t know I´m anxious, because then she´ll dislike me " . The

whole shebang.

So I really don´t know what to make of this. talks about the

" anxiety tiger " or something, which you feed with experiential avoidance. I can

see that I have been avoiding situations that have felt bad (situations where I

was needed or counted on, or where I would have to perform), but I have been

feeling little anxiety.

I think this is hard to explain. I feel like whenever I face responsibility,

then anxiety is there. I have been feeling good partly because I thought

achievement didn´t matter, or at least that´s what I was telling myself. But now

when I am facing a situation where I feel I have to take initiative, then it

scares me like hell. I get very nervous and uptight. It feels kind of like

flipping a light switch, because the " joy of being " turns off. I get little out

of listening to music, because my head fills up with doubts about the future.

This self-criticism and self-doubt can connect itself to anything, too. If

someone is talking about a subject they know a lot about, I can think:

" I don´t know anything about that "

and to

" I am a total failure "

When I am just an observer, I feel good. When I want to act, I am faced with my

anxiety and my pain of absence. Now I feel like I am faced with my pain of

absence every day, because of worrying about school and worrying about not being

an active part in the relationship with my girlfriend (having a bad job etc).

So I don´t know. It feels like two modes. One where I kind of just observe and

feel, and things are okay if I just don´t involve myself, and the other where I

am really hard on myself, judging myself. In " action mode " I am constantly

doubting myself, trying to do the right thing, but not knowing what the right

thing is.

Does anybody have any thoughts on this? If I am a big time experiential avoider,

should I change that? I don´t know what I want out of life, and I´m not sure if

it´s an education or lots of money.

Any thoughts on this, anyone?

Håkon