Re: Love is...

[Guest guest]

Hi all, and especially Detlef and Lou. I am sitting in a hotel in the UK right now, 30 days on the road in the past 50. Kinda road weary and not following my email very well. And, have caught pieces of this thread. I do not know how it is for everyone else, but I know how it was for me. My most terrible sadness was caught up in my own deep sense of inadequacy, of lack of fit in the world. It organized my every breath, colored every thought, shaped and ultimately screwed into the ground every relationship. I could not make the world a different place. I could not see how I could ever fit.That terrible sadness still visits. Tears fill my eyes. Sometimes I do not even know why. Sometimes it rises up from that deep familiar sense that there is something terribly flawed about me. Sometimes it rises up at the tail end of a familiar failure to act with love. Sometimes it comes up in the midst of embarrassment about some way that I just showed off in order to feel like I was somebody. Sometimes it shows up when I worry that something I have invested in for a long long time could just go away, and not on my time or with my approval.And, for my part, there is no turning back. I am not going back to my life project pre-1985. If I have made a mess, I do my best to slow down, to settle in, to see if I can find one small "next right thing" to do. To make amends, to offer a kindness, to do my job, teaching, therapy, parenting, to take myself to yoga...it is a simple program. Simple movement in a direction that fits who I want to be in this world. Some days, that feels like not nearly enough. Some days, that seems just so.I have listened to you, all of you, on this list, and, I hope you can see my love. I am here. On this list. On purpose. It is part of me taking one small step each day....this day, this day which feels sad for reasons I know and many I suppose I do not know. And today I will have showing up here be enough.namaste,kelly

G. 205 Peabody BuildingPsychology DepartmentUniversity of MississippiOxford, MS 38677ph: (best phone academic homepage:www.olemiss.edu/working/kwilson/kwilson.htmalso check outwww.onelifellc.comwww.mindfulnessfortwo.comwww.facebook.com/kellygwilson

Many things to many people, I suppose.I think is right with his aphorism -- Love is the only thing.I'd even go out on a limb and suggest that most if not all the woes humans encounter can be tracked back to love, or the lack of it, whether it be the love of one for another or, poignantly, the love one may honestly have for oneself. In my own examination of the 'human condition' of various folk I've known, or known about, in my sixty odd years on the planet, the lack of a decent amount of unbridled and unconditional affection looms large in their histories as it does in my own. Most of us have known it: 'I love you, but...'Facing that 'but' and fighting it is perhaps the toughest battle any of us will ever meet, I think. I don't plan to be a casualty, and I fervently hope you won't be, either. Fighting the good fight may include something as 'silly' as giving ourselves a hug and meaning it. Go ahead. Do it now. You deserve it and always have. That meaningful others couldn't see it is not your fault.Best wishes to you all,Detlef

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Well, you could always have a nice cup of tea! Thats what we do here in the uk - and if you are in my area - you could always pop along for a bit of mindful yoga.

Hugs for all your help - hugs for your honesty and compassion. Looks a lot like love to me..

Simone

To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Friday, 29 June 2012, 12:02Subject: Re: Love is...

Hi all, and especially Detlef and Lou. I am sitting in a hotel in the UK right now, 30 days on the road in the past 50. Kinda road weary and not following my email very well. And, have caught pieces of this thread.

I do not know how it is for everyone else, but I know how it was for me. My most terrible sadness was caught up in my own deep sense of inadequacy, of lack of fit in the world. It organized my every breath, colored every thought, shaped and ultimately screwed into the ground every relationship.

I could not make the world a different place. I could not see how I could ever fit.

That terrible sadness still visits. Tears fill my eyes. Sometimes I do not even know why. Sometimes it rises up from that deep familiar sense that there is something terribly flawed about me. Sometimes it rises up at the tail end of a familiar failure to act with love. Sometimes it comes up in the midst of embarrassment about some way that I just showed off in order to feel like I was somebody. Sometimes it shows up when I worry that something I have invested in for a long long time could just go away, and not on my time or with my approval.

And, for my part, there is no turning back. I am not going back to my life project pre-1985. If I have made a mess, I do my best to slow down, to settle in, to see if I can find one small "next right thing" to do. To make amends, to offer a kindness, to do my job, teaching, therapy, parenting, to take myself to yoga...it is a simple program. Simple movement in a direction that fits who I want to be in this world. Some days, that feels like not nearly enough. Some days, that seems just so.

I have listened to you, all of you, on this list, and, I hope you can see my love. I am here. On this list. On purpose. It is part of me taking one small step each day....this day, this day which feels sad for reasons I know and many I suppose I do not know. And today I will have showing up here be enough.

namaste,

kelly

G. 205 Peabody BuildingPsychology DepartmentUniversity of MississippiOxford, MS 38677ph: (best phone

academic homepage:www.olemiss.edu/working/kwilson/kwilson.htm

also check outhttp://www.onelifellc.com/www.mindfulnessfortwo.comwww.facebook.com/kellygwilson

Many things to many people, I suppose.I think is right with his aphorism -- Love is the only thing.I'd even go out on a limb and suggest that most if not all the woes humans encounter can be tracked back to love, or the lack of it, whether it be the love of one for another or, poignantly, the love one may honestly have for oneself. In my own examination of the 'human condition' of various folk I've known, or known about, in my sixty odd years on the planet, the lack of a decent amount of unbridled and unconditional affection looms large in their histories as it does in my own. Most of us have known it: 'I love you, but...'Facing that 'but' and fighting it is perhaps the toughest battle any of us will ever meet, I think. I don't plan to be a casualty, and I fervently hope you won't be, either. Fighting the good fight may include something as 'silly' as giving ourselves a hug and

meaning it. Go ahead. Do it now. You deserve it and always have. That meaningful others couldn't see it is not your fault.Best wishes to you all,Detlef

[Guest guest]

We go on, one long day and one, perhaps longer night, after another. We breathe, we live. I don't always want what I've got, most of the time, in fact, but the opposite is just extinction. To me, anyway. And extinction isn't necessarily a physical death. For me it's that zombieness of clenching every part of me against what is. I'm (very slowly) learning to be with what is. So far, whatever hell I've faced, has never been as bad as I imagined it to be. And yes, sometimes I use substances to help me 'unclench', but the difference is I reach a point where I can leave the substance and go on without it. And other times I wallow in the mire.Today has been a so-so day. Some unclenching. Some steps without crutches of any kind. Then the night, and a little help. Wisely, I made sure I didn't have enough booze to become absolutely blotto. Just semi-blotto, if you know what I mean.Just watched Maddow waxing lyrical about the SCOTUS decision. A good day for the US, I think.On an unrelated note, it's occurred to me that the Second Amendment wasn't about 'the right to bear arms', but 'the right to bare arms', ie, the Founding Fathers decided to get jiggy with the skin.Just some thoughts on an Australian Saturday morning.Best wishes to everyone, and especially in the UK, where summers are like our Australian winters,Detlef> > > Many things to many people, I suppose.> > > > I think is right with his aphorism -- Love is the only thing.> > > > I'd even go out on a limb and suggest that most if not all the woes humans encounter can be tracked back to love, or the lack of it, whether it be the love of one for another or, poignantly, the love one may honestly have for oneself. In my own examination of the 'human condition' of various folk I've known, or known about, in my sixty odd years on the planet, the lack of a decent amount of unbridled and unconditional affection looms large in their histories as it does in my own. Most of us have known it: 'I love you, but...'> > > > Facing that 'but' and fighting it is perhaps the toughest battle any of us will ever meet, I think. I don't plan to be a casualty, and I fervently hope you won't be, either. Fighting the good fight may include something as 'silly' as giving ourselves a hug and meaning it. Go ahead. Do it now. You deserve it and always have. That meaningful others couldn't see it is not your fault.> > > > Best wishes to you all,> > > > Detlef> > > > > >>

[Guest guest]

i am gonna sound a bit philosophical on this, as i have been thinking about love

lately.. i think at the very end it s gonna be about who will miss me/you and

how me/you will be in their memories of you, good and bad, fondness and

memorable, perhaps simply a memory of a few laughs, or maybe some shared

foundational experiences, a sharing of a life w someone, and when you/me are

gone how we they will remember you? And if so, how will you wanna act now?

tomorrow? today? what will you do? (this seems like the funeral exercise in Get

out of your Mind and into your life book?)

My FIL, lost his spouse over 20 years ago, the over day he said something about

how when he and his wife used to go on vacation, she would always wanna get up

and go ... and as he spoke i could see in his eyes a nice memory of something,

perhaps a visual of someone...

anyways, needless to say it is the depth of this memory of having shared your

life w someone else, and that your absence will be fondly remembered by someone,

and that yours mattered, to someone else.

anyways, a bit philosophical, but i was in this mood lately.

Tom

> >

> > > Many things to many people, I suppose.

> > >

> > > I think is right with his aphorism -- Love is the only thing.

> > >

> > > I'd even go out on a limb and suggest that most if not all the woes

> humans encounter can be tracked back to love, or the lack of it, whether

> it be the love of one for another or, poignantly, the love one may

> honestly have for oneself. In my own examination of the 'human

> condition' of various folk I've known, or known about, in my sixty odd

> years on the planet, the lack of a decent amount of unbridled and

> unconditional affection looms large in their histories as it does in my

> own. Most of us have known it: 'I love you, but...'

> > >

> > > Facing that 'but' and fighting it is perhaps the toughest battle any

> of us will ever meet, I think. I don't plan to be a casualty, and I

> fervently hope you won't be, either. Fighting the good fight may include

> something as 'silly' as giving ourselves a hug and meaning it. Go ahead.

> Do it now. You deserve it and always have. That meaningful others

> couldn't see it is not your fault.

> > >

> > > Best wishes to you all,

> > >

> > > Detlef

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I remember when an all girl American band struck fame in the UK here a

number of years ago and were touring this country. I listened to an

interview they did on the radio when the journalist asked them what was

they liked most about the UK. They then fell silent for a moment and

then they said all quickly at once in a very excited manner, 'the tea,

it's like speed, it's so strong.' I thought that was an amazing comment

as we take tea here for granted. Anyway, I always thought coffee was

stronger but I knew what they meant. Our black tea can be quite strong,

but with its mix of theanine, a tranquiliser, and caffeine, a stimulant,

it can feel really nice and I'm terribly addicted. I have just finished

my third cup of 1st flush darjeeling but I can't have anymore today,

otherwise I won't get to sleep tonight. Ah! how wonderful tea is in the

Summer afternoon.

Kv

>

> Â

> >Many things to many people, I suppose.

> >

> >I think is right with his aphorism -- Love is the only thing.

> >

> >I'd even go out on a limb and suggest that most if not all the woes

humans encounter can be tracked back to love, or the lack of it, whether

it be the love of one for another or, poignantly, the love one may

honestly have for oneself. In my own examination of the 'human

condition' of various folk I've known, or known about, in my sixty odd

years on the planet, the lack of a decent amount of unbridled and

unconditional affection looms large in their histories as it does in my

own. Most of us have known it: 'I love you, but...'

> >

> >Facing that 'but' and fighting it is perhaps the toughest battle any

of us will ever meet, I think. I don't plan to be a casualty, and I

fervently hope you won't be, either. Fighting the good fight may include

something as 'silly' as giving ourselves a hug and meaning it. Go ahead.

Do it now. You deserve it and always have. That meaningful others

couldn't see it is not your fault.

> >

> >Best wishes to you all,

> >

> >Detlef

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for taking the time to crank this out . Gee, you do a ton of traveling. Sounds like a labor of love. I wonder what it's like to look at your life "pre and post" a certain year, as you often seem to describe it as such. I can't relate to dividing up my life like this for whatever reason.

With regard to the suffering of not fitting in, the not adequate enough, I can certainly relate. In fact, I'm now having the thought: "Why haven't I had such an "awakening" like and others claim they did on such and such day/year? I must obviously be doing something wrong because my experience is not like that. I don't fit with his crowd". (Thanks mind).Happy travels to you on the road,Terry To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Friday, June 29, 2012 4:02 AM Subject: Re: Love is...

Hi all, and especially Detlef and Lou. I am sitting in a hotel in the UK right now, 30 days on the road in the past 50. Kinda road weary and not following my email very well. And, have caught pieces of this thread. I do not know how it is for everyone else, but I know how it was for me. My most terrible sadness was caught up in my own deep sense of inadequacy, of lack of fit in the world. It organized my every breath, colored every thought, shaped and ultimately screwed into the ground every relationship. I could not make the world a different place. I could not see how I could ever fit.That terrible sadness still visits. Tears fill my eyes. Sometimes I do not even know why. Sometimes it rises up from that deep familiar sense that there is something terribly flawed about me. Sometimes it rises up at the tail end of a familiar failure to act with love. Sometimes

it comes up in the midst of embarrassment about some way that I just showed off in order to feel like I was somebody. Sometimes it shows up when I worry that something I have invested in for a long long time could just go away, and not on my time or with my approval.And, for my part, there is no turning back. I am not going back to my life project pre-1985. If I have made a mess, I do my best to slow down, to settle in, to see if I can find one small "next right thing" to do. To make amends, to offer a kindness, to do my job, teaching, therapy, parenting, to take myself to yoga...it is a simple program. Simple movement in a direction that fits who I want to be in this world. Some days, that feels like not nearly enough. Some days, that seems just so.I have listened to you, all of you, on this list, and, I hope you can see my love. I am here. On this list. On purpose. It is part of me taking one small

step each day....this day, this day which feels sad for reasons I know and many I suppose I do not know. And today I will have showing up here be enough.namaste,kelly

G. 205 Peabody BuildingPsychology DepartmentUniversity of MississippiOxford, MS 38677ph: (best phone academic homepage:www.olemiss.edu/working/kwilson/kwilson.htmalso check outwww.onelifellc.comwww.mindfulnessfortwo.comwww.facebook.com/kellygwilson

Many things to many people, I suppose.I think is right with his aphorism -- Love is the only thing.I'd even go out on a limb and suggest that most if not all the woes humans encounter can be tracked back to love, or the lack of it, whether it be the love of one for another or, poignantly, the love one may honestly have for oneself. In my own examination of the 'human condition' of various folk I've known, or known about, in my sixty odd years on the planet, the lack of a decent amount of unbridled and unconditional affection looms large in their histories as it does in my own. Most of us have known it: 'I love you, but...'Facing that 'but' and fighting it is perhaps the toughest battle any of us will ever meet, I think. I don't plan to be a casualty, and I fervently hope you won't be, either. Fighting the good fight may include something

as 'silly' as giving ourselves a hug and meaning it. Go ahead. Do it now. You deserve it and always have. That meaningful others couldn't see it is not your fault.Best wishes to you all,Detlef

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your post, Kathy. While I don't agree with your "public/private" mind dichotomy, I do appreciate your your response. We all have our opinions, and often -- if you're at all like me -- we wish that people would keep their opinions to themselves. I did exactly that for most of my life; I kept quiet and minded my own business. It's only the relative anonymity of the internet that has given me the courage to actually speak out on certain matters. I know full well that there are many people who disagree with my views. Many of them have accepted exactly the same license as I did to say so. Me, I think all contributions are equally valid/invalid. After all, I would hope that people who have been around for at least as long as I have would be able to tell the difference between a fact and an opinion.You mentioned in another post that you were raised Catholic, but are no longer a person of faith. I say welcome! As a balm to troubled minds religion has been largely a dismal failure, in my opinion. I was baptized into and raised in the Catholic faith, and found it wanting almost from when I was able to think coherently. However, that's not to say I dismiss out of hand all aspects of religions, for there are nuggets of wisdom to be found in most if not all of them. For instance, the notion of a "state of grace" intrigues me, as does the idea of Nirvana (not the band ).My comments regarding recent events in the US were meant sincerely. I've never been to America, but grew up exposed to American culture via television and all the other cultural artifacts the US produces. And I am still exposed to them even now -- that's how I became aware of ACT.I've often ventured the opinion that America is the source of many of the best and worst things ever unleashed on the world. I still think that. America started out as a grand experiment, and it is ongoing. Personally I don't think America has seen its best times yet; much that is happening now would seem to suggest some sort of nadir -- again, only my opinion!Certainly, I think ACT, in all its ramifications, is one of the better ideas to emerge from this great nation. And its greatness can only be enhanced as it learns to accept and assimilate great ideas from the rest of the planet.Best wishes,Detlef> > > > > > > Many things to many people, I suppose.> > > > > > > > I think is right with his aphorism -- Love is the only thing.> > > > > > > > I'd even go out on a limb and suggest that most if not all the woes humans encounter can be tracked back to love, or the lack of it, whether it be the love of one for another or, poignantly, the love one may honestly have for oneself. In my own examination of the 'human condition' of various folk I've known, or known about, in my sixty odd years on the planet, the lack of a decent amount of unbridled and unconditional affection looms large in their histories as it does in my own. Most of us have known it: 'I love you, but...'> > > > > > > > Facing that 'but' and fighting it is perhaps the toughest battle any of us will ever meet, I think. I don't plan to be a casualty, and I fervently hope you won't be, either. Fighting the good fight may include something as 'silly' as giving ourselves a hug and meaning it. Go ahead. Do it now. You deserve it and always have. That meaningful others couldn't see it is not your fault.> > > > > > > > Best wishes to you all,> > > > > > > > Detlef> > > > > > > > > > > >> > >> >>

[Guest guest]

Before your post oscar i thought i was the only person having this issue of not

knowing what is that we want in our lives.

If ACT is said in layman language as ACCEPTANCE,OPENESS AND ENGAGEMENT. then u

have tools or excercise for the acceptance and engagement but what about

openess?.

personally for me,u has focused so many year on things that i dont want. I have

not got the hang of how to open up to new possiability.

Unless u have new possiability in ur awarness how can we engage in it?

[Guest guest]

I think I get what you mean, . It is harder to see one's progress when one is experiencing a "mostly good" life but with some negative stuff - habits, beliefs, depression, anxiety, self-loathing, etc. - holding you back. But when one's life is totally in the ditch because of an overwhelming issue (such as runaway addiction), the "before vs. after" is so much clearer to see. In 's case, the decision to stop using seems to have been very clear to him rather suddenly after years of dysfunction. But that didn't mean he was suddenly enlightened, if I am reading him correctly - it simply means that he made room for the light to come into his life by choosing to no longer wallow in the darkness of addiction. I can only imagine what courage and strength that must have taken in the beginning, and probably many times in the years since. Making the decision to not use or drink was only the beginning and probably the simplest part of the journey. The hard part is giving up one's crutches so you can learn to walk briskly rather than hobble down the path of life; you can stay on the path without ending up in the ditch over and over.I don't buy into the theory that you have to hit rock bottom before you will change your negative behaviors, although that scenario can certainly be true and makes for some interesting stories. I was sensible (or lucky) enough to stay mostly out of the ditch but did have nagging habits that kept me from reaching my full potential as a human being. (My therapist used to say to me, "Helena, you are hiding your light under a bushel.") I drank, but never to the point of letting it get in the way of my life's benchmarks: I always held down a job, had a good marriage for 15 years, graduated from college in my 40's, etc. Still, the amount of drinking I did got in the way of living life according to my values because I used it as a crutch to avoid fully engaging in life - which requires making room for the pain as well as the pleasure. Somehow, I was savvy enough, or just plain scared enough of the repercussions, to not let it get too much out of hand. I had other avoidance habits, too, like isolating myself from others, burying myself in books instead of socializing, accepting jobs that were beneath my abilities because I believed I wasn't good enough for the better jobs, etc. And so I hobbled along - never really in the ditch, but never firmly planted on the path, either. Now that I am pursuing living by my values, I see there is no room in my life for hiding from pain or trying to make it go away by using crutches, like drinking or isolating myself. To those who are having trouble articulating their values or living by them, I would say look for your crutches, your avoidance techniques, for they may be subtle and not glaringly obvious. You may not be in the ditch, but yet your life lacks luster and light? That was me for years! It took some real honesty and willingness to face the things that were not working in my life, even though, on the surface, there appeared to be nothing "seriously" wrong. Denial can come in multiple small forms, too, and is not always obvious until you dig deeper.HelenaHelena To: "act for the public" <act_for_the_public >Sent: Monday, July 2, 2012 3:49:39 PMSubject: Re: Re: Love is...

Man, I've got to get myself a porch and a rocking chair. How cool would that be. Anyway, I think 's journey contrasts sharply to mine in two ways (which may or may not be what Terry was getting at). First, had a clear and well-defined problem to solve to turn his life around. I can't begin to appreciate how difficult overcoming that must have been, and won't embarass myself trying to empathise. But what was holding him back was clear to him, and to everyone around him, (?) and in summoning

the courage to break the addiction he freed his life. Second, the life he led before freeing himself from addiction was clearly very destructive. In a way, the valueless (forgive me?) life pre-'85 allowed him to see the progress he had made since then, and could spur him on to ever more greatness. These two things help me to spot some of the problems with my journey. I struggle to work out what is wrong with me! I feel like I have everything: job, house, wife, son, loving parents, friends, faith etc (except the damned rocking chair and a porch. I REALLY want those now). So why do I suffer? What problem do I have to solve to relieve the suffering? Where is it? I also struggle to see and discern the progress I have made with ACT. As far as I can tell, I've got nowhere fast (and, still being off

work, I am worse than when I started ACT). But perhaps it has improved, in subtle ways, and I don't give myself that encouragement by spotting it. Not sure if this makes sense. x To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Monday, 2 July 2012, 13:30 Subject: Re: Re: Love is...

I do identify 1985 as a watershed year. But where in my post did I say anything remotely like: "things were dark and bleak and then the light came on and everything changed from that day forward"In fact, the post is about darkness visiting, not about everything has been awesome since 1985.What did change in 1985 was that I started to cultivate a practice that has transformed my life. Central to that practice, for me, central, was letting go of drugs and alcohol. That did happen in 1985 and, for me, that was a big deal. The practice itself has grown and evolved over time, but that piece has remained. Of course, I had many lovely experiences before 1985; however, I consistently screwed them and myself into the ground. I had a beautiful daughter, who loved me. And I chose getting high over her. I had a wife who loved me. I chose getting high over her. I started school in 1978, did very well in fact, and chose getting high over that. I had some really cool cars. I wrecked them high. I had the vigor and possibility of youth and I cooked my liver with booze and Hep C from shooting dope. I had another wife who loved me. I chose getting high over her too. There were many spots of loveliness, but I could sustain nothing.Drinking and drugging were hugely destructive avoidance strategies for me. Letting them go was the centerpiece of a

practice that began in 1985. In my opinion,

for me, that was critical for meaningful sustained life change. For others? Who knows? Me? I have not been to jail, abandoned any children, dropped out of school, got divorced, been fired from a job, been hospitalized for an overdose, car accident, or physical beating, been

evicted, been homeless, been violent, the list could go on, since 1985. So yes, I mark that as a big year.Getting high is not as destructive for some as it was for me, clearly not. In my opinion, and what I say in The Wisdom to Know the Difference, is that quitting is a personal decision. Each person has to check and see how it works for them. I encourage people to give it a chance, and not just letting go of big avoidance. Persisting in a pattern of growing a life that could

be

loved.I made that choice in 1985. It was not just a choice about getting high though. It was a choice to live. Come what may, and come it did....good and ill. My path has not been straight, but that part has. I have found other ways to screw things up since

then. I can be sullen, self-involved, and resentful. And certainly have paid a high price on a number of occasions. In 1987 I treated my big brother Randy with contempt and judgement and buried him that year, a suicide, without the chance to tell him that I loved him. I carry still sadness from that bit of prideful foolishness.So 1985 was not a watershed because everything changed that year. It is because everything started to change that year, because change became possible that year. And, 27 years of reasonably persistent engagement has paid extraordinary dividends. It has not ended pain. It has not ended darkness. It has simply given me something different to do when darkness and pain do come.My facebook status

yesterday:"Sitting on my back porch in my rocking chair, a fine cup of coffee in hand, having finally found the perfect strings for my 2001 NS42 CE (after owning it for 5 years), juvenile robins bathing in Dianna's bubbling fountain, southern air thick and warm and moist this morning, full of bird song, feeling an odd sense of quiet right next to my sadness and disquiet. I feel wonder about that sadness and disquiet, about my capacity for disquiet even in the midst of my many blessings, in the midst of my slice of grace. I will sit and see if I can allow some quiet to seep into that pool of disquiet this morning. I will reflect a bit on attachment and letting go, let shoulders soften, and know that if all were lost today I will have been blessed for having a life in which such things can be lost."A number of my posts on this list have been about the visits of darkness, sadness, and a sense of hopelessness. My last post was about that. In fact, I am in the thick of it at this very moment. So, I am perplexed about this:I guess I do get frustrated with the notion of a before and after life deal that refers to as well as many others I hear who tell their story.That's just not my story

todayWho said it was or should be your story? My story is what it is. Mine. No cartoon before and after story here. A story of persistence. And, days like this one, with abundant inexplicable sadness.best,k

Thanks. Yes, it seems pretty universal, this idea of belonging/not belonging... It's also fairly apparent to me it's not something unique to folks with addiction issues. If the addiction is active, the suffering will be more acute, for sure.And the acting on that suffering

in ways that are

distracting/destructive will be too. I guess I do get frustrated with the notion of a before and after life deal that refers to as well as many

others I hear who tell their story.That's just not my story today. The notion of not fitting in my skin did organize many of my thoughts, color too much of my thinking and relationships. But true too, I have had many many juicy, lovely openings in my life from day one. I had brave moments of joy where I opted for values over comfort. I have known love deeply in my early years and have the opportunity to made a difference in people's lives--even during thethroes of addiction. So for me it's not like I had some single defining moment, or where things were dark and bleak and then the light came on and everything changed from that day forward. I love this forum.Best to all,Terry To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Sunday, July 1, 2012 2:56 PM Subject: Re: Love is...

Good morning Terry,

Unfortunately it is not uncommon for people to feel like they don't fit in. There are many of us on this list alone. Look at Kaivey, he has said he feels he doesn't fit in, gosh I seem to say it contantly and I haven't heard anything of Russel in ages (I miss Russel).

We all seem to experience 'not fitting in'. I think the important thing, as everyone says, is to not give up and keep coming back regardless.

I wish you well and its good to hear from you.

>

> Â

> >Many things to many people, I suppose.

> >

> >I think is right with his aphorism -- Love is the only thing.

> >

> >I'd even go out on a limb and suggest that most if not all the woes humans encounter can be tracked back to love, or the lack of it, whether it be the love of one for another or, poignantly, the love one may honestly have for oneself. In my own examination of the 'human condition' of various folk I've known, or known about, in my sixty odd years on the planet, the lack of a decent amount of unbridled and unconditional affection looms large in their histories as it does in my own. Most of us have known it: 'I love you, but...'

> >

> >Facing that 'but' and fighting it is perhaps the toughest battle any of us will ever meet, I think. I don't plan to be a casualty, and I fervently hope you won't be, either. Fighting the good fight may include something

> as 'silly' as giving ourselves a hug and meaning it. Go ahead. Do it now. You deserve it and always have. That meaningful others couldn't see it is not your fault.

> >

> >Best wishes to you all,

> >

> >Detlef

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Rajesh,My instinctive response to your question was a mental flash of one of my sitting meditation exercises. Maybe it was the reference to openness, reminding me of this early meditation exercise: to be like a flower, receptive only, no judgement or evaluation, a kind of video camera mode, faithfully picking up everything that my senses returned. For me, this practice was a huge factor in the gradual growth of an openness to new experiences.

D

 

Before your post oscar i thought i was the only person having this issue of not knowing what is that we want in our lives.

If ACT is said in layman language as ACCEPTANCE,OPENESS AND ENGAGEMENT. then u have tools or excercise for the acceptance and engagement but what about openess?.

personally for me,u has focused so many year on things that i dont want. I have not got the hang of how to open up to new possiability.

Unless u have new possiability in ur awarness how can we engage in it?

-- Darrell G King, RN, CASAC-TRochester, NY, UShttp://darrellking.comDarrellGKing@...

[Guest guest]

, thank you. Your posts are the ones that most reflect my experience...you're just further up the road. I can make out your torchlight and it helps me keep taking one step after another.Love and gratitude, in Melbourne 'It's just a step to the right....put your hands on your hips and bring your knees in tight'

[Guest guest]

I was so struck by this that I pressed you on this, asked if you had any sense of anything good, hopeful, wanting to contribute prior to age 30. You flatly and clearly replied no. Lots of desperation, demoralization and waiting for the end. Could you show me where I clearly and flatly denied "any sense of anything good, hopeful, wanting to contribute prior to the age of 30."I can think of lot of things I might say about that time, but this is not something I recall saying. It is just too easy for me to think of counter examples. best,-k

[Guest guest]

Catching up.. Thanks for sharing your experience. It's good to hear how well you are doing. I really like the metaphor of hiding my own light under a

bushel. I have no idea what rock bottom is but my life with alcohol was much more

destructive than yours. Lots of ditches. Lots of (as said) screwing the good stuff into the ground. Just started noticing much later than , and in a much slower sort of drip, drip incremental form, with valued activities interspersed. So maybe is right..it wasn't so apparent for me. Maybe

intermittent reinforcers where I was making a difference slowed things down and confused me, threw me into deeper denial. Who knows? But we all have an important story to tell and raises a good point about what does it matter anyway that my story match up with his. What does it matter that I'm not even completely clear what my story is? Can it be okay today if I don't know what the heck my story is, what rock bottom is? I do know my sense of freedom and vitality has been run over like a truck with the continued turning to alcohol for relief. Maybe that's plenty enough to know for today. terry To: ACT for the Public <ACT_for_the_Public > Sent: Tuesday, July 3, 2012 2:48 AM Subject: Re: Love is...

I think I get what you mean, . It is harder to see one's progress when one is experiencing a "mostly good" life but with some negative stuff - habits, beliefs, depression, anxiety, self-loathing, etc. - holding you back. But when one's life is totally in the ditch because of an overwhelming issue (such as runaway addiction), the "before vs. after" is so much clearer to see. In 's case, the decision to stop using seems to have been very clear to him rather suddenly after years of dysfunction. But that didn't mean he was suddenly enlightened, if I am reading him correctly - it simply means

that he made room for the

light to come into his life by choosing to no longer wallow in the darkness of

addiction. I can only imagine what courage and strength that must have taken in the beginning, and probably many times in the years since. Making the decision to not use or drink was only the beginning and probably the simplest part of the journey. The hard part is giving up one's crutches so you can learn to walk briskly rather than hobble down the path of life; you can stay on the path without ending up in the ditch over and over.I don't buy into the theory that you have to hit rock bottom before you will change your negative behaviors, although that scenario can certainly be true and makes for some interesting stories. I was sensible (or lucky) enough to stay mostly out of the ditch but did have nagging habits that kept me from reaching my full potential as a human being. (My therapist used to say to me, "Helena, you are hiding your light under a bushel.") I

drank, but never to the point of letting it get in the way of my life's benchmarks: I always held down a job, had a good marriage for 15 years, graduated from college in my 40's, etc. Still, the amount of drinking I did got in the way of living life according to my values because I used it as a crutch to avoid fully engaging in life - which requires making room for the pain as well as the pleasure. Somehow, I was savvy enough, or just plain scared enough of the repercussions, to not let it get too much out of hand. I had other avoidance habits, too, like isolating myself from others, burying myself in books instead of socializing, accepting jobs that were beneath my abilities because I believed I wasn't good enough for the better jobs, etc. And so I hobbled along - never really in the ditch, but never firmly planted on the path, either. Now that I am pursuing living by my values, I see there is no room in my life for hiding from pain

or trying to make it go away by using crutches, like drinking or isolating myself. To those who are having trouble articulating their values or living by them, I would say look for your crutches, your avoidance techniques, for they may be subtle and not glaringly obvious. You may not be in the ditch, but yet your life lacks luster and light? That was me for years! It took some real honesty and willingness to face the things that were not working in my life, even though, on the surface, there appeared to be nothing "seriously" wrong. Denial can come in multiple small forms, too, and is not always obvious until you dig deeper.HelenaHelena To: "act for the public" <act_for_the_public >Sent: Monday, July 2, 2012 3:49:39 PMSubject: Re: Re: Love is...

Man, I've got to get myself a porch and a rocking chair. How cool would that be. Anyway, I think 's journey contrasts sharply to mine in two ways (which may or may not be what Terry was getting at). First, had a clear and well-defined problem to solve to turn his life around. I can't begin to appreciate how difficult

overcoming that must have been,

and won't embarass myself trying to empathise. But what was holding him back was

clear to him, and to everyone around him, (?) and in summoning

the courage to break the addiction he freed his life. Second, the life he led before freeing himself from addiction was clearly very destructive. In a way, the valueless (forgive me?) life pre-'85 allowed him to see the progress he had made since then, and could spur him on to ever more greatness. These two things help me to spot some of the problems with my journey. I struggle to work out what is wrong with me! I feel like I have everything: job, house, wife, son, loving parents, friends, faith etc (except the damned rocking chair and a porch. I REALLY want those now). So why do I suffer? What problem do I have to solve to relieve the suffering? Where is it? I also struggle to see and discern the progress I have made with ACT. As far as I can tell, I've got nowhere fast (and, still being off

work, I am worse than when I started ACT). But perhaps it has improved, in subtle ways, and I don't give myself that encouragement by spotting it. Not sure if this makes sense. x To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Monday, 2 July 2012, 13:30 Subject: Re: Re: Love is...

I do identify 1985 as a watershed year. But where in my post did I say anything remotely like: "things were dark and bleak and then the light came on and everything changed from that day forward"In fact, the post is about darkness visiting, not about everything has been awesome since 1985.What did change in 1985 was that I started to cultivate a practice that has transformed my life. Central to that practice, for me, central, was letting go of drugs and alcohol. That did happen in 1985 and, for me, that was a big deal. The practice itself has grown and evolved over time, but that piece has remained. Of course, I had many lovely experiences before 1985; however, I consistently screwed them and myself into the ground. I had a beautiful daughter, who loved me. And I chose getting high over her. I had a wife who loved me. I chose getting high over her. I started school in 1978, did very well in fact, and chose getting high over that. I had some really cool cars. I wrecked them high. I had the

vigor and possibility of youth and I cooked my liver with booze and Hep C from shooting

dope. I had another wife who loved me. I chose getting high over her too. There were many spots of loveliness, but I could sustain nothing.Drinking and drugging were hugely destructive avoidance strategies for me. Letting them go was the centerpiece of a

practice that began in 1985. In my opinion,

for me, that was critical for meaningful sustained life change. For others? Who knows? Me? I have not been to jail, abandoned any children, dropped out of school, got divorced, been fired from a job, been hospitalized for an overdose, car accident, or physical beating, been

evicted, been homeless, been violent, the list could go on, since 1985. So yes, I mark that as a big year.Getting high is not as destructive for some as it was for me, clearly not. In my opinion, and what I say in The Wisdom to Know the Difference, is that quitting is a personal decision. Each person has to check and see how it works for them. I encourage people to give it a chance, and not

just letting

go of big avoidance. Persisting in a

pattern of growing a life that could

be

loved.I made that choice in 1985. It was not just a choice about getting high though. It was a choice to live. Come what may, and come it did....good and ill. My path has not been straight, but that part has. I have found other ways to screw things up since

then. I can be sullen, self-involved, and resentful. And certainly have paid a high price on a number of occasions. In 1987 I treated my big brother Randy with contempt and judgement and buried him that year, a suicide, without the chance to tell

him that I loved him. I carry still

sadness from that bit of prideful foolishness.So 1985 was not a watershed because everything changed that year. It is because everything started to change that year, because change became possible that year. And, 27 years of reasonably persistent engagement has paid extraordinary

dividends. It has not ended pain. It has not ended darkness. It has simply given me something different to do when darkness and pain do come.My facebook status

yesterday:"Sitting on my back porch in my rocking chair, a fine cup of coffee in hand, having finally found the perfect strings for my 2001 NS42 CE (after owning it for 5 years), juvenile robins bathing in Dianna's bubbling fountain, southern air thick and warm and moist this morning, full of bird song, feeling an odd sense of quiet right next to my sadness and disquiet. I feel wonder about that sadness and disquiet, about my capacity for disquiet even in the midst of my many blessings, in the midst of my slice of grace. I will sit and see if I can allow some quiet to seep into that pool of disquiet this morning. I will reflect a bit on attachment and letting go, let shoulders soften, and know that if all were lost today I will have been blessed for having a life in which such things can be lost."A number of my posts on this list have been about the visits of darkness, sadness, and a sense of hopelessness. My last post was about that. In fact, I am in the thick of it at this very

moment. So, I am perplexed about this:I guess I do get frustrated with the notion of a before and after life deal that refers to as well as many others I hear who tell their story.That's just not my

story

todayWho said it was or should be your story? My story is what it is. Mine. No cartoon before and after story here. A story of persistence. And, days like this one, with abundant inexplicable sadness.best,k

Thanks. Yes, it seems pretty universal, this idea of belonging/not belonging... It's also fairly apparent to me

it's not something unique

to folks with addiction issues. If the addiction is active, the suffering will be more

acute, for sure.And the acting on that suffering

in ways that are

distracting/destructive will be too. I guess I do get frustrated with the notion of a before and after life deal that refers to as well as many

others I hear who tell their story.That's just not my story today. The notion of not fitting in my skin did organize many of my thoughts, color too much of my thinking and relationships. But true too, I have had many many juicy, lovely openings in my life from day one. I had brave moments of joy where I opted for values over comfort. I have known love deeply in my early years and have the opportunity to made a difference in people's lives--even during thethroes of addiction. So for me it's not like I had some single defining moment, or where things were dark and bleak and then the light came on and everything changed from that day forward. I love this forum.Best to all,Terry To: ACT_for_the_Public Sent: Sunday, July 1, 2012 2:56 PM Subject: Re: Love is...

Good morning Terry,

Unfortunately it is not uncommon for people to feel like they don't fit in. There are many of us on this list alone. Look at Kaivey, he has said he feels he doesn't fit in, gosh I seem to say it contantly and I haven't heard anything of Russel in ages (I miss Russel).

We all seem to experience 'not fitting in'. I think the important thing, as everyone says, is to not give up and keep coming back regardless.

I wish you well and its good to hear from you.

>

> Â

> >Many things to many people, I suppose.

> >

> >I think is right with his aphorism -- Love is the only thing.

> >

> >I'd even go out on a limb and suggest that most if not all the woes humans encounter can be tracked back to love, or the lack of it, whether it be the love of one for another or, poignantly, the love one may honestly have for oneself. In my own examination of the 'human condition' of various folk I've known, or known about, in my sixty odd years on the planet, the lack of a decent amount of unbridled and unconditional affection looms large in their histories as it does in my own. Most of us have known it: 'I love you, but...'

> >

> >Facing that 'but' and fighting it is perhaps the toughest battle any of us will ever meet, I think. I don't plan to be a casualty, and I fervently hope you won't be, either. Fighting the good fight may include something

> as 'silly' as giving ourselves a hug and meaning it. Go ahead. Do it now. You deserve it and always have. That meaningful others couldn't see it is not your fault.

> >

> >Best wishes to you all,

> >

> >Detlef

> >

> >

>