I know I'm not crazy anymore, but.....

[Guest guest]

I know I'm not crazy anymore, but do I? I thought I was crazy while

I was growing up and couldn't for the life of me figure out what was

wrong. I knew my mom was crazy, but somehow I thought it related to

me. My mom did all the typical things that BP's do (e.g. made me the

parent, tried to make me responsible for her feelings, lived her life

through me, took my life over, exploded for no apparent reason,

holidays and special occasions were hell, loved me/hated me all in a

short time span, went through my room and trash, silent treatment or

ignored me for periods of time, told me every detail about her

relationship with my dad, etc...). The thing that bugs me now is

that I am displaying some awful behaviors/coping mechanisms similar

to my mom. I know I don't have BP; however I seem to have all of the

byproducts of the disorder. I just started reading a book called

Surviving a Borderline Parent and I cried through the first 3

chapters. Everything is hitting a nerve and I am finally realizing

that my mom's behaviors and disorder truly affected my life and

continue to. I didn't realize that so many things I do are possibly

related to my mom's BP issues. It hurts! I know if I bring this up

to my mom she will go ballistic. So, I guess the first step is

therapy and I am going to start on Friday. I don't want live my life

like this anymore. I don't want to be afraid of everything and

everyone. I want to express my feelings and not be afraid of being

abandoned. I don't want to jump everytime I hear a loud noise. I

want to trust people and be trustworthy. I don't want to rage

anymore. I'm tired of feeling overwhelmed with emotions and

confusion. It is time to get this monkey off of my back! Any words

of wisdom or stories about how people are succeeding with these same

challenges would be greatly appreciated. I really do want to be

free!