Re: Does it pay to tell them

March 10, 2008

Hi Lily,

I feel so bad for you. I know what it's like to feel completely overwhelmed,

wanting to do the right thing and feeling like you're in quicksand - you just

keep sinking in deeper. What I got from your posting is that you are completely

enmeshed with the craziness of your mother and brother. This is similar to how

things used to be between me, my Mom and my sister. What I figured out was that

while I was always the one trying to do the right thing, play nice, not to cause

waves, and generally be a doormat - my sister was very good at playing the good

daughter and making it seem like dealing with my Mom was a piece of cake. It

sounds like your brother is doing the same thing to you. Here's my thought -

just because he seems to have found a way to have a decent relationship with

your Mom does not mean that you are the one with the problem. First of all - I

realized that my sister's relationship with my Mom was very much on the surface

and that they

played nice with eachother only when they could beat up on me. In my case, I

finally had to ditch my relationship with my sister because I was tired of

hearing " I don't know why you can't get along with Mom. " Don't let your brother

or your mother fool you - they're relationship is not so great.

As far as my relationship with my mother - I had major guilt any time I pulled

away. She is 85 years old with limited vision. I felt like a terrible person

when I distanced myself from her, but I had to do it. I went NC for a little

over a month, joined this group, and decided to go to little contact with her.

When I did see her, she still attacked me, but I really decided that she would

no longer get under my skin. I limited my visit and I'm happy to say it's

working for me. I haven't felt this calm in years. You have the added

dimension of being the mother of her grandson, so that makes your situation

harder, but I have to ask you - wouldn't you be a happier Mom to be around if

you didn't have contact with your Mom and brother?

Regarding the job situation - I think you have to completely remove them from

the equation. I'm betting that if you start to get some distance, you may

experience more success in your job search. I know your nerves must be shot and

you're probably questioning yourself to pieces. If your self-esteem is

suffering, it's probably complicating your job search. Also - in my experience

- my mom was jealous of me and anything I did at work, when I got a better job

etc. She filled me with so many doubts that it's a wonder I was able to get and

keep a job. I'm just saying there may be an element of jealousy with you too.

Hang in there. I know how it feels to have a crazy raging mother one day, and

then be able to go to an outing and have things seems like they're okay only to

have her turn around and bite you again. It's the cycle that many of us have

gone through our whole lives - so you're not alone in trying to stay on the

roller coaster without getting thrown off. I really feel for you because I can

feel the turmoil this is causing you. Try to give yourself a break and cut

yourself some slack.

Hugs to you, Lily.

Tag

Does it pay to tell them

I am currently struggling with telling my Mother and Brother how much

they have hurt me. I realize that none of that matters to them, but I

want them to understand why I will be cutting myself off from them. I

suspect they will both say good riddence, and that hurts even more.

Do I tell them or do I just walk away? After this weekend and the

last, I am at that point. Here is what happened:

I have been looking for a full time permanent job for the last six

years. So far all I have been able to get are some gigs as an

Indendent contractor and those were disasters. No support from my

family. I have asked my brother to keep a look out for job

opportunities where he works. He did reccommend me for one job, which

I got. I was there a month when he picked a fight with my manager and

made her so mad that to get back at him she fired me. I was there

when it happened and I watched it all unfold. I could do nothing to

stop it. My resentment towards my brother is very deep. It was a good

paying job, with benefits and I had a chance to do something I really

loved. But the rug was yanked out from under me. I have asked my

brother to put in a good word for me for other positions that are

open, but he does nothing.

Last weekend my family and my brother's family were at my mom's farm

and I mentioned to both my Mom and brother that another job had

fallen through. I was met with silence and my brother actually turned

his back on me. Needless to say I snapped and got mad about it. I

needed some support and got obvious rejection. The only one who

offered any kind of kindness was my sister-in-law and I thanked her

for actually saying she was sorry that I didn't get the job, but that

I should still keep trying. My brother has not spoken to me since

then and I get the feeling they are avoiding me and my son.

This weekend my Mother and I took my son to a nature preserve and the

day went very well. We spent the night at her house. Everything was

fine until she started talking to my brother over the phone the next

day. When she hung up the phone, she made it clear that she wasn't

going to tell me what they had been talking about. When I asked how

they were doing she said fine. The next thing I knew she had left the

house and ended up over at my brother's house without letting either

my son or me know what was going on. She was gone for 30 minutes.

When she got back, I told her that we were going to leave. She starts

in on me making me feel guilty about leaving.. I told her that I felt

that my brother was playing games and she flew off the handle. I also

told her that she didn't tell us that she would be gone. Instead of

saying that she was sorry to have worried us, she started yelling at

me that she just happened to meet up with my brother and wanted a

chance to squeeze the little one, my brother's daughter. How dare I

question where she was and she didn't have to tell me anything.

Further she stipulated that we were in her house and I had no right

to ask her about anything. Needless to say I am still upset about it.

She just called wanting to know how my son was doing, but she was

looking to have me apologize for what happened yesterday or to

pretend it didn't happen at all. Any normal person would ask why

someone was upset. To her it doesn't matter, I am being unreasonable.

Now I will get the silent treatment. But I am tired of being hurt and

feeling guilty about it. So I apologized and she started in on me

again, " I just don't know about you. Do I have to ask your permission

to do what I want to do? I'm a grown woman. What is wrong with you? "

I feel so alone and sad. I hate to deprive my son of his grandmother,

but I suspect that it does him damage to see her treat me this way.

He has even asked me why Grammaw likes him better than me. Has anyone

had to deal with this? How did you handle it? I am just making a mess

of things no matter what I do.

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March 10, 2008

Thanks. I feel completely overwhelmed and your quicksand analogy is spot on.. I

don't doubt that my mother and brother have their issues, but they do have a

tendency to gang up on me and I am usually caught flat footed. Just like with

the reaction my brother gave me by turning his back on me when I told him the

job had fallen through. He knew what he was doing. He is a cold bastard and

always has been. My mother enables him. I am trying to disentangle my self from

this completely self-destructive situation. I want any relationship I choose to

have with either of them to be on my terms not theirs. I have thought about this

a great deal and it is hard to let it go. I have to realize that my brother has

no love for me and that my mother will always choose anyone else over me. I have

no doubt that my mother has love for me but it is a twisted thing and not

healthy. It is a hard, hard thing to acknowledge. But I can't get healthy until

I do and let them go.

Thanks for letting me vent and not being judgmental. I'm not used to that. My

stomach doesn't feel like a cold pit anymore. It is a comfort to know that there

are people who have been there, done that and who are worse off than I am and

have survived well. That gives me hope. I cannot change my family but I can work

on changing how I react to them.