Re: I am at a loss....again.

[Guest guest]

Great letter Tony!!! You said what you needed to say and you said it

all so well. You didn't fling any crap or call names.....like we all

remember how your mother did in her nasty email.

Very well done......you sound stronger than ever......good luck to you

and your wife and hang in there.

drlingirl

[Guest guest]

Do you think i should send it?

Re: I am at a loss....again.

Great letter Tony!!! You said what you needed to say and you said it

all so well. You didn't fling any crap or call names.....like we all

remember how your mother did in her nasty email.

Very well done......you sound stronger than ever......good luck to you

and your wife and hang in there.

drlingirl

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

[Guest guest]

Do not send this letter. Keep it for yourself. If you think that they will

change, I can tell you they won't. They are acting out and they will use this

letter against you. You have my heartfelt sympathies for what you have under

gone at the hands of your parents. You sound like a good man who deeply loves

his wife. She is a lucky woman and I suspects she knows it.

You do not need your parent's permission to move on. They have clearly lost

control of you and it is over. After reading your letter, I am pretty sure there

is nothing you could say that would get them to " see " the light. Just live your

life, love your wife and children, do not repeat old patterns and know that you

have done the best you can do.

Be strong.

I am at a loss....again.

So, I feel like just when i make a decision of how i am going to move

on in my life, she just knows exactly how to drag me back in. I have

decided not how i am going to deal with my mom, but i have decided i

wouldnt let it consume me anymore. This is much easier said then

done. Last week, my mom sent me this: http://bas.mypostca rds.com/?

jpgr+03040217320257 7 it is a ecard, with a beatles song (the song i

danced with her with at my wedding) and it kind of apologizes and

tells me she loves me. I never responded to it, not really thinking

i did. Now, i just got a message at my work (which i never gave her

that number so i dont know how she got the number) telling me she

cannot believe that i didnt write her back and tell her i love her.

That she doesnt know me anymore, and asked if i have a heart or not.

I guess i do not know what to do and am looking for advice. I guess

probably ignoring her is best, but now she will tell all my family

how she put herself out there and i did nothing. Who knows what she

will do, or what she is capable of? All i know is i dont want to do

this anymore, i am sick of it.

I did start writing a letter to my parents, it is extrememly long, so

do not feel you need to read it if you do not want, but just

wondering if people thought it would do any good to send it to my

parents. Thanks everyone for your help in advance.

Dear Mom and Dad,

This argument has seemed to last forever, and though what you

may be considering as hard-headedness, or perhaps what Mom

called " pussy-whipped, " neither are the reason behind why I have

chosen to not contact you both in a long time. I am an adult, a man,

a self-reliant man who is perfectly capable of making my own

decisions, without being scrutinized for them. I am also married to

my wife, who I love with all my heart, who is my sole mate, who I

share all of my joys, and sadness's with.. My wife, with the bond of

marriage, also receives my bond of protectiveness, she is me, she is

my family, she is my best-friend, until death do us part. This last

sentence I believe you both have failed to accept. I am your son,

and if anyone says or does anything negative to either of you, you

know I would protect you and stick up for you. Now however, there is

one person in my life, and yours, that you do not have any right to

put down, speak poorly of, or say hurtful comments about, where my

protectiveness towards you, shifts to protecting my wife. This line

has been crossed, and I allowed it to be crossed far to long.

The lists of wrongs that my wife has done, is your opinion,

and you have every right to those thoughts and feelings. What you do

not have a right to do, is to bring each one to my attention,

expecting me to take your side, change these " wrongs " and defend you

until things are " righted " in your eyes.. As I have said before, I am

past caring if you like my wife, I know that you don't, and sometimes

I question how much respect you have for me, but if you have

something that you do not agree with that my wife is doing, that is

fine, but do not come to me, expecting me to change her so that she

can fit the mold that you expect for a daughter in law. Coming to me

in concern about why she isn't talking, or why she said something,

because you are worried about her not liking you, that is fine. But

when you come to me angry, saying that she has wronged you in this

way or that, this is where you have crossed lines. I do not want to

here what she has done wrong to you, you can complain as much as you

want to others. We are adults, and if, and when Becca does do

something that I deem to be rude or wrong, that is up to me to

handle, without anyone telling me I need to fix this. We are an

adult couple, who do not need the added stress from our parents of

all people, telling us we need to change in certain ways.

This brings me to my next point. Marriage is stressful as it

is, especially the initial years as a couple gets to more inimatly

know eachother. Why would any parent, whether they liked their

daughter/son- in-law, want to add to these stresses, there for

increasing the chances, in a world where odds are already against

them, to go down the road of divorice. Do you not trust your

parenting skills enough, to know that you have raised me to know and

do the right things? To know who I want to spend the rest of my life

with, and to know how I handle things with my wife? A parent who

knew that they did their best parenting their child, and raised them

to know a good marriage, to know good ethics, would have the

confidence in knowing that their child, even though the child or in

law made mistakes, knows what he is doing. This is not the case

here. You have questioned everything about all of my decisions with

Becca. From the first time I announced to you I was going to propose

to her, I got hesitant reactions from the both you of you. Mom hid

hers well, Dad verbalized his by telling me " until we walk down the

isle, it isn't too late to back out. " It has been like you have

wanted me to fail, or have no faith in who you raised to do the right

thing that he wants to do. This is my life, and it is time for you

to let go, and let me live my life, and be in charge of my life.

Now this argument has been long brewing. I apologized

before, and I will apologize again, that I am sorry I did not stick

up for myself before this. I have always tried to keep the peace and

thought that if I swept things under the rug, and ignored certain

comments, they would magically go away. This was so wrong of me, I

cannot begin to describe, and has caused me so much more anxiety and

anger in the end I cannot begin to describe. This is repeating

things, but what I had to go through pre-wedding, was so incredibly

wrong. I hate to say this, but I do not think you both realize how

lucky you are that your son, who you raised, allowed these things to

go on, allowed you to be invited to the wedding, and allowed you to

continue to have a part in my life. Had I wanted to do the " easy "

thing, I could have just cut you out back then, but I had confidence

that you would see in my wife, what I have seen, all of our family

has seen (which mom will say the contrary), and all my friends have

seen. When you are not demanding things out of my wife, or making it

known she is doing things wrongly, she is the most loving, caring

person one could know. But yes, she is very strongheaded, and a very

strong person. When someone cuts her down, or demands things out of

her, she will stick up for herself and defend herself, and this is

the person I love. This is not who you have to love, it would have

been nice, but you don't have to like my wife. What you do need to

do, is respect our marriage, respect me, and respect her, actions

that have not happened.

My point of my letter I wrote out to you both back in

October, as I stated then, was not to tell you your awful parents, or

I resent you or any of that. It was simply to share my feelings with

you of how hard and hurtful you made my wedding experience. I

continued to reinforce to you how much I love you, as we did

previously throughout this argument, and to tell you you are my

parents, and always will be and I love you very much. I do not think

it is wrong for me to tell you these feelings, and I told you that I

was doing this so we could hopefully have a better, more relaxed

relationship. I hate feeling anxious and scared to talk and see you

guys. But what did you seriously think was going to happen if even

only 1 time out of 10 you invited me to dinner, with the alterative

motive of talking to me about something my wife or I did wrong.

Eventually I caught on, and when my phone rang, I got nervous

of, " what did I do now. " Or when you would ask me to meet with you, I

would think " is it going to be this time that something we did they

are going to scorn me for? " And for the record Dad, since I was

blamed for rekindling this post-Hawaii, you guys did this exact thing

to me. Invited me to Starbucks after work, with the only intention,

which you made quite obvious was to bring up Hawaii, what we had

agreed upon leaving in Hawaii. For you to first of do this to me, is

so wrong, but then to try and pin this on me, like I would bring this

up again, and that this whole fight is my fault, come on! You tried

blaming this whole thing on me that night after you left my house,

when the only person to blame was you and Mom. We stuck to our share

of the deal.

This wedding experience, yes, is in the past and yes, we

should all move on from it. But in order for me to be able to do

that, I needed you to hear from me, that it wasn't acceptable, and I

would not stand for it again. I wanted to let you know, that Becca

and I are going to be starting a family of our own sooner then later,

and I WILL NOT jeopardize my happy memories of this experience, or

the health of my wife, during this period. I wanted to let you know

that we, and I emphasize, we, wanted you in our lives, and to be part

of that experience. But, we did not, if it meant we were going to be

put under the same scrutiny that we were for the wedding. I will not

be put through that again, and certainly will not my wife or unborn

child put through any extra stress then what is needed. If that

means you will not have a part in ours, or our babies life, then that

is your choice. But as any good parent would do, I will not put my

child, soon to be child, or the mother of my child, in any harms way,

I am sorry if that harms way in this case is my own parents.

One thing I do owe an apology for is the statement I made

when reading my letter blaming you guys on the awkwardness of

breakfast for Dads birthday. I should not have brought that up then,

and it was just fresh in my mind and I was frustrated with how it

went, and maybe I used that as the excuse to finally try and have my

feelings heard. I was disappointed, with both sides attitudes that

day towards each other, and it made it awkward for me, and I was sick

of it. I let you know this in that letter, and I have also let Becca

know that I did not agree with this. This however, does not give you

any right whatsoever, to write me an email like was written to me

shortly after.

The email that Mom sent a few days after breakfast, and you

guys barging into my house (which is what it was, it was 11:30pm on a

work night, and you were not invited to be at my house, let alone,

push through me to get in) crossed so many lines that I am still,

after all this time, uncertain if the relationship we once had can

ever even closely be restored to what it once was, and from my point

of view, I honestly do not think that it can. Not only did the email

say hurtful things, it dug at personal things. Things I had told in

confidence, things that were embarrassing, were all used with no

holds bar to try and humiliate me, and " put me in my place " . Using

these things was immature, and to some extent, unforgivable. Seeing

how long the letter was, and to think that a person, however angry,

could write that stuff, and still by the time they reached the end,

still think that it was a constructive, mature, and reflected all of

the feelings she was feeling in this letter. Yes I know Mom has been

known to say things out of anger. But a letter at that length,

digging in on me and my wife at so many different angles, I can only

think that she knew that this would be damaging to our relationship,

if not the end of it. I know in the past I have been extremely

forgiving, yes in the past I may take a while to forgive, but I am

usually able to just forgive and forget. This time however, I cannot

foresee ever being able to look at Mom again, and not think of all

those horrible things that were said.

Now the topic of the role family has played throughout all of

this. Apparently the way I was raised, or at least thought I was

raised, is vastly different then how my parents feel the proper

conduct in an argument is. You are right, family is there to give

advice to, and to be there for you. This however, does not give one

openeded freedom to tell anything and everything to everyone in the

family. There has to be proper judgement into who it is you confide

in. Looking back at it, yes it bugged me, and still does kind of bug

me, how much you talked to my aunts, uncles and cousins. I feel you

made an effort to look sad infront of these people, as to make

yourselves look like the victim, so then in turn these people would

come confront us about it, and get us to " change " . This is just a

way of trying to manipulate people, into getting me and Becca to do

what you want, and that is what was wrong with what you did. The

fact that you talked to them, although I would have appreciated the

same respect I was displaying for you both, and not discussing with

people what you did to us, but talking to them wasn't wrong. But

doing it in such a way to make yourselves look like the victim was

wrong.. What exactly, after I apologized for calling Mom a bitch,

have you been telling everyone we have done to you? Have you told

them how you called your son countless names (etc. selfish bastard,

pussy-whipped, continuously battered him with insults about his wife,

and tried to break them up multiple times? Have you told them how

you barged into my house at 11:30 at night, on a work night, and

yelled at me, and then my wife? Have you told them that because I

slipped and made one mistake calling Mom a bitch, after numereous

provocations, I was told that I was out of the family, unless I did

exactly what I was told to make things right? These are all things,

that if the story were being told fairly, would be part of what you

told people, and I find it hard to believe this has been told to

anyone.

Now, I have tried to be level headed, and mature throughout

this whole thing. I have refused to show people the email mom wrote,

for some reason I felt I should respect you guys and not try to

tarnish your reputation. Unfortunatly, this is not the same respect

that we have received. I consistently hear from people all

the " horrible " things we have done to you, with them not knowing

anything that you did wrong.

People may not understand why I am so mad, or why I do not

speak to you guys anymore. But I have reached a stage in my life,

that if people do not know who I am by now, and cannot trust that I

know what I need to do for myself, then those people are really not

friends or family. A true friend or family member, of course would

be there to listen to you, but would know there are two sides to the

story, and that the story that they heard from you guys may not be

the whole story. My point being, please continue to do what you feel

you need, but I will not, and have not, changed how I thought, or

acted because of this. I trust, and am confident that my true

friends and family will know me better then this, and will give me

the benefit of the doubt that there must have been wrongs done to me

as well to justify my actions.

I am now at the point of my life now, after much pain and

anguish, that I realize I am my own person. I am no longer defined

by my parents, or constricted to what they want me, or need me to

do. I am an adult, and an independent, happily married adult. My

confidence has grown, and I have become stronger through all of

this. This argument is not my fault for being started, or Becca's,

despite what the two of you think. We tried countless times to make

amends, to agree to disagree, to move on, but you would not accept

that. I expressed to you the importance of the both of you being in

our lives, that we would be having a family in the near future, and

wanted you to be part of it. You both made it clear that you only

wanted to be a part of our life if it was on your terms, this is not

acceptable for us. Clearly giving me this answer was the only thing

that I can say has helped me through this. I am aware now that when

we do have kids, you will not be excited for us, you will think it

was " narcisitic " and selfish on our part.. I have learned that

envolving you in my future childs life, may not be healthy for Becca

and I, as well as our child. I do not trust anymore that if we did

leave this child with you, that you wouldn't talk negatively about us

behind our backs. Everything that you have showed us in this last

year actually suggest that this would be the action that you would

take.

I am sorry if the contents of this letter seem harsh or maybe

mean. This is my feelings. This letter I have thought out long and

hard, writing it all on my own. This is not a letter that I wrote

out of anger, it was a long thought out process. There have been a

few moments where I let my temper get the best of me, but I tried my

best, to keep a level head, and do what was the right thing.

This is the last letter I will write you. I am prepared for

a negative response from the both of you, as I did from my last

letter. But I am done of this. I am done letting this consume my

life. I have so much in my life to be happy for, and I am too good

of a person to let this tarnish any of the great things in my life.

Becca and I are doing great, we are doing great financially, and we

have done it all on our own. We are extremely secure in our jobs and

in our relationships. Although Mom might say that I owe all of this

to the two of you, since you paid for so much of my stuff for me as a

child (college, soccer, ect.) that I owe you, this is not true. I

earned everything I have. I worked hard from a young age, I worked

hard at school, and made sure to not let you guys pay for too much

stuff. I feel bad for Danny if you guys decide to turn on him as

well, because unlike me, he has never turned down you paying for

something, or taken you out to dinner for paying for his college.

This is not Danny's fault, but you both have spoiled him, and let him

not have many, if any, responsibilities. Yet, how many hours did I

waste on the phone with you both trying to help you parent him

better, so he would be responsible. This whole time I was genuinely

concerned, but I would constantly be slapped in the face by things

being returned to how they were.

We have already started saving for college for our child. We

plan on paying for our childs college education. Becca was not as

fortunate as me to have parents that could afford to pay for her

college. This was not their fault, people are not all dealt the same

cards in life. But this made our decision to want to provide this

for our kids that much more. And the last thing we would ever think

of doing, is think that our child owes us something for doing this

for them. For making those sacrifices, it is the parental duty. We

hope that our child will be as fortunate as us, and can return this

parental duty, by providing the same financial support to their

children, not pay us back through how they treat us.

As I said, this is my last letter, I am done dealing with

this. We can see where our relationship goes from here, but my

expectations have become lower and lower as this has gone on. Please

know that I do love you both, you will always be my parents. You did

a great job in raising me, you were great parents, that made a few

small mistakes through the years, which every parent does. But this

last mistake that has been made, has pushed your son to a point where

he does not know where you will fit in his life anymore. I wish you

both the best in life, and hope that you can in some way understand

why I had to make this desicsion, and to please keep what happens

from here on out between us. Danny and my relationship has been

tested through this, since he has been put in the middle. Also, my

only grandma left in my life, has also been dragged into this. I

would appreciate, if not for me but for her, to keep her out of

this. Having the stress of knowing her son and grandson are not

getting along, is the last thing a 77 year old lady needs.

As I struggle to find a closing to this novel of a letter, I

just want to reiterate I do appreciate everything you both did for

me, and I love you both very much and your health and well being will

always be in my thoughts. I do not know what the future has in mind

for what our relationship will be like. But right now, I do know

that the people my parents have been in my life this last year, I do

not want in my life as they are. This could maybe change, but right

now I am not ready to really try.

I love you both.

Tony

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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[Guest guest]

Tony,

I agree that this is a great letter. On sending it,...hmm. Do you

feel it will change things if you do? Are you ready for any

retaliations? Do you want to send it for your sake and that alone? Do

you think they will take pause and listen? Do you care if they don't?

Are you prepared if they never respond or even acknowledge it? I'm

just throwing out possibilities to consider.

What do you think?

Kindest regards,

Mercy

>

> Do you think i should send it?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I say go for it Tony......you really don't have anything to loose.

You made it clear that you love your wife and intend to move on with

or without them. I think if your mother really wants back in your

life, and she is ready to do the work, and REALLY change, then she

will be able see and understand that in your words. If not she is

sicker than we suspected :0(

Like I said your letter was well written and to the point. If you

have doubts then wait a while......

I think you are doing great, keep posting....drlingirl

>

> Do you think i should send it?

>

>

>

> Re: I am at a loss....again.

>

> Great letter Tony!!! You said what you needed to say and you said

it

> all so well. You didn't fling any crap or call names.....like we

all

> remember how your mother did in her nasty email.

>

> Very well done......you sound stronger than ever......good luck to

you

> and your wife and hang in there.

>

> drlingirl

>

>

>

>

>

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_______________

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

>

[Guest guest]

Tony, I agree with Mercy.......I also believe that we all come to a

jumping off point.

I think if you do send the letter and get a negative response....you

need to be willing to jump off for good and let it go.

I feel like I have already jumped off with my nada....its just that

I haven't finalized it with a letter.

With your letter I think you will have made the outcome very clear.

Hope this makes sense....drlingirl

> >

> > Do you think i should send it?

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

that sounds like a very therapeutic letter, it sounds like the way I

write when I am hurt, I just write and write and write and get it

all out.

I have to be honest with you, I don't think they'd read all of it.

And if they read it, I don't think they'd hear what you are saying.

You could try shortening it to bullet points. Or you could just try

setting boundaries (in your head) and then sticking by them, without

announcing them. Your devotion to your wife is so touching and it

was wonderful to read that. She is a lucky woman to have someone so

clear about the bond of marriage and the loyalty it is supposed to

inspire. Since I've been on this board I'm detecting this pattern in

people's experiences with their parents of how, somehow, the parent

tranfers all of their unmet needs onto the child, and then when it's

time for the child to leave the nest, even just become more

independent at the various developmental stages, the parent can't

let go, because if this backwards and twisted dependency on their

child to be the parent they never had. It's so weird. Your letter

sounds so rational and caring like you are trying so hard not to

hurt them, it's so sad that they can't pay you the same courtesy and

it's a shame and disgrace that they can see you for the warm,

considerate, caring person that you have become. It is soooooooo

their loss, it's really tragic when you think about it.

[Guest guest]

Exactly, drlingirl. Well said. Consider all the possibles and then

jump or no. You gotta do what you gotta do, right? I know I had to

consider these things along the way in my journey. After all is said

and done, I know in my heart that I did everything I could possibly

do and exhausted every possibility. It makes NC less guilt-ridden

and more final.

Thanks, drlingirl!

Mercy

> > >

> > > Do you think i should send it?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Tony-

Whether you decide to send your letter or not, I would say make your

choice based on how YOU will feel when you do so. Someone with BPD

and the person enabling, will not likely take your remarks to heart.

However, I would not let that deter you. Your letter clearly defines

your boundary and as such would probably be a useful step for you and

your wife. You may want to shorten it up to some key points that

clearly define what you see as unacceptable and your future plan for

interaction based on their respect of the boundary you define. You

don't have to continue accepting abhorrent behavior directed at you

or your wife simply because they are your parents.

I give you a LOT of credit. You did your very best to be

respectful. I can't say I could show that much restraint. I wrote a

letter in December setting up my current NC that was pretty scathing…

I was at my utmost limit with NADA. I can relate to your feelings

about having your first year of marriage be unnecessarily filled with

stress. I had a first year of marriage that was spent with my NADA

creating a drama around accusations that I and my husband were

alcoholics…which is a COMPLETE and TOTAL falsehood. So the letter I

wrote in December was after over a year my Nada telling lies behind

my back to family members both in my state and out of state. I was

well beyond angry and reached the point where the thought of

reconciliation was not at all in my mind then (nor is it now for that

matter!). At some point I will probably post it as I am sure our

cyber-support group would find an interest in it.

Good for you for thinking about how you want to set your boundaries.

I wish you and your wife all the happiness you deserve!

JJ

>

> So, I feel like just when i make a decision of how i am going to

move

> on in my life, she just knows exactly how to drag me back in.

[Guest guest]

So I sent the following email to both my parents after my mom left the lovely

message on my work phone, but i havent heard anything from either of them. Does

anyone have any ideas as to why i didnt get any sort of a response. I guess i

was thinking i would get a negative response from my mom, and maybe my Dad

questioning what my mom had said, but i have gotten nothing. I also have not

sent that letter i wrote, i cannot decide whether i should or not. This is all

so frustrating, they are so unpredictable that you do not know how to take their

reactions, or lack of for this matter. Any insights would be appreciated. This

is the email i sent:

Mom,

Please do not call my work number. I am not sure how you got the number, but

that is my professional line, and it is for work. It is not for you to call me

on, especially to be left messages like that one. I do not appreciate messages

like that, and will delete them in the future and not listen to them. As i

said, please respect that this is my work number, and do not use it for messages

like that. Thank you for respecting this.

Love,

Tony

Re: I am at a loss....again.

My mother in law also accuses my husband and I, unjustly, of being

alcoholics! She says that if I didn't make him so unhappy he wouldn't

drink, and that if I weren't such a miserable person, I wouldn't drink.

Nice to hear that someone else has been there! It has made me feel a

bit nuts at times.

> >

> > So, I feel like just when i make a decision of how i am going to

> move

> > on in my life, she just knows exactly how to drag me back in.

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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[Guest guest]

Spot on, Tony! That was beautiful, to the point, respectful and factual. Clear

boundry setting and the request was reasonable. You will not hear from her for a

while, I suspect. She is probably in shock and is looking over the message to

find an angle to use against you. She won't find it. Good job.

As for the letter. Do not send it. Put it in an envelope and re-read it in a

week or a month. That letter is not for them, it is for you. That letter is your

ladder out of the hole your parents put you in.

Take care. Be strong.

Re: I am at a loss....again.

My mother in law also accuses my husband and I, unjustly, of being

alcoholics! She says that if I didn't make him so unhappy he wouldn't

drink, and that if I weren't such a miserable person, I wouldn't drink.

Nice to hear that someone else has been there! It has made me feel a

bit nuts at times.

> >

> > So, I feel like just when i make a decision of how i am going to

> move

> > on in my life, she just knows exactly how to drag me back in.

>

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[Guest guest]

Tony, You show so much growth from your first posts here. Your

letter is well written, to the point and puts the responsibility where

it belongs. Whether you send it or not is up to you, but even if they

don't accept it or read it, at least you will have reclaimed your own

self-respect. You are a man!! What a relief it must be for you to

know that about yourself. This may turn out to be a blessing,(the

argument and all) because it has granted you the healthy status of

claiming your own life and making it clear where your loyalties lie.

Your most important mission in life is to build your marriage and make

a healthy happy home for your future children. Bravo! I think you

should send it. Dee

>

> So, I feel like just when i make a decision of how i am going to move

> on in my life, she just knows exactly how to drag me back in. I have

> decided not how i am going to deal with my mom, but i have decided i

> wouldnt let it consume me anymore. This is much easier said then

> done. Last week, my mom sent me this: http://bas.mypostcards.com/?

> jpgr+030402173202577 it is a ecard, with a beatles song (the song i

> danced with her with at my wedding) and it kind of apologizes and

> tells me she loves me. I never responded to it, not really thinking

> i did. Now, i just got a message at my work (which i never gave her

> that number so i dont know how she got the number) telling me she

> cannot believe that i didnt write her back and tell her i love her.

> That she doesnt know me anymore, and asked if i have a heart or not.

> I guess i do not know what to do and am looking for advice. I guess

> probably ignoring her is best, but now she will tell all my family

> how she put herself out there and i did nothing. Who knows what she

> will do, or what she is capable of? All i know is i dont want to do

> this anymore, i am sick of it.

>

> I did start writing a letter to my parents, it is extrememly long, so

> do not feel you need to read it if you do not want, but just

> wondering if people thought it would do any good to send it to my

> parents. Thanks everyone for your help in advance.

>

>

> Dear Mom and Dad,

> This argument has seemed to last forever, and though what you

> may be considering as hard-headedness, or perhaps what Mom

> called " pussy-whipped, " neither are the reason behind why I have

> chosen to not contact you both in a long time. I am an adult, a man,

> a self-reliant man who is perfectly capable of making my own

> decisions, without being scrutinized for them. I am also married to

> my wife, who I love with all my heart, who is my sole mate, who I

> share all of my joys, and sadness's with. My wife, with the bond of

> marriage, also receives my bond of protectiveness, she is me, she is

> my family, she is my best-friend, until death do us part. This last

> sentence I believe you both have failed to accept. I am your son,

> and if anyone says or does anything negative to either of you, you

> know I would protect you and stick up for you. Now however, there is

> one person in my life, and yours, that you do not have any right to

> put down, speak poorly of, or say hurtful comments about, where my

> protectiveness towards you, shifts to protecting my wife. This line

> has been crossed, and I allowed it to be crossed far to long.

> The lists of wrongs that my wife has done, is your opinion,

> and you have every right to those thoughts and feelings. What you do

> not have a right to do, is to bring each one to my attention,

> expecting me to take your side, change these " wrongs " and defend you

> until things are " righted " in your eyes. As I have said before, I am

> past caring if you like my wife, I know that you don't, and sometimes

> I question how much respect you have for me, but if you have

> something that you do not agree with that my wife is doing, that is

> fine, but do not come to me, expecting me to change her so that she

> can fit the mold that you expect for a daughter in law. Coming to me

> in concern about why she isn't talking, or why she said something,

> because you are worried about her not liking you, that is fine. But

> when you come to me angry, saying that she has wronged you in this

> way or that, this is where you have crossed lines. I do not want to

> here what she has done wrong to you, you can complain as much as you

> want to others. We are adults, and if, and when Becca does do

> something that I deem to be rude or wrong, that is up to me to

> handle, without anyone telling me I need to fix this. We are an

> adult couple, who do not need the added stress from our parents of

> all people, telling us we need to change in certain ways.

> This brings me to my next point. Marriage is stressful as it

> is, especially the initial years as a couple gets to more inimatly

> know eachother. Why would any parent, whether they liked their

> daughter/son-in-law, want to add to these stresses, there for

> increasing the chances, in a world where odds are already against

> them, to go down the road of divorice. Do you not trust your

> parenting skills enough, to know that you have raised me to know and

> do the right things? To know who I want to spend the rest of my life

> with, and to know how I handle things with my wife? A parent who

> knew that they did their best parenting their child, and raised them

> to know a good marriage, to know good ethics, would have the

> confidence in knowing that their child, even though the child or in

> law made mistakes, knows what he is doing. This is not the case

> here. You have questioned everything about all of my decisions with

> Becca. From the first time I announced to you I was going to propose

> to her, I got hesitant reactions from the both you of you. Mom hid

> hers well, Dad verbalized his by telling me " until we walk down the

> isle, it isn't too late to back out. " It has been like you have

> wanted me to fail, or have no faith in who you raised to do the right

> thing that he wants to do. This is my life, and it is time for you

> to let go, and let me live my life, and be in charge of my life.

> Now this argument has been long brewing. I apologized

> before, and I will apologize again, that I am sorry I did not stick

> up for myself before this. I have always tried to keep the peace and

> thought that if I swept things under the rug, and ignored certain

> comments, they would magically go away. This was so wrong of me, I

> cannot begin to describe, and has caused me so much more anxiety and

> anger in the end I cannot begin to describe. This is repeating

> things, but what I had to go through pre-wedding, was so incredibly

> wrong. I hate to say this, but I do not think you both realize how

> lucky you are that your son, who you raised, allowed these things to

> go on, allowed you to be invited to the wedding, and allowed you to

> continue to have a part in my life. Had I wanted to do the " easy "

> thing, I could have just cut you out back then, but I had confidence

> that you would see in my wife, what I have seen, all of our family

> has seen (which mom will say the contrary), and all my friends have

> seen. When you are not demanding things out of my wife, or making it

> known she is doing things wrongly, she is the most loving, caring

> person one could know. But yes, she is very strongheaded, and a very

> strong person. When someone cuts her down, or demands things out of

> her, she will stick up for herself and defend herself, and this is

> the person I love. This is not who you have to love, it would have

> been nice, but you don't have to like my wife. What you do need to

> do, is respect our marriage, respect me, and respect her, actions

> that have not happened.

> My point of my letter I wrote out to you both back in

> October, as I stated then, was not to tell you your awful parents, or

> I resent you or any of that. It was simply to share my feelings with

> you of how hard and hurtful you made my wedding experience. I

> continued to reinforce to you how much I love you, as we did

> previously throughout this argument, and to tell you you are my

> parents, and always will be and I love you very much. I do not think

> it is wrong for me to tell you these feelings, and I told you that I

> was doing this so we could hopefully have a better, more relaxed

> relationship. I hate feeling anxious and scared to talk and see you

> guys. But what did you seriously think was going to happen if even

> only 1 time out of 10 you invited me to dinner, with the alterative

> motive of talking to me about something my wife or I did wrong.

> Eventually I caught on, and when my phone rang, I got nervous

> of, " what did I do now. " Or when you would ask me to meet with you, I

> would think " is it going to be this time that something we did they

> are going to scorn me for? " And for the record Dad, since I was

> blamed for rekindling this post-Hawaii, you guys did this exact thing

> to me. Invited me to Starbucks after work, with the only intention,

> which you made quite obvious was to bring up Hawaii, what we had

> agreed upon leaving in Hawaii. For you to first of do this to me, is

> so wrong, but then to try and pin this on me, like I would bring this

> up again, and that this whole fight is my fault, come on! You tried

> blaming this whole thing on me that night after you left my house,

> when the only person to blame was you and Mom. We stuck to our share

> of the deal.

> This wedding experience, yes, is in the past and yes, we

> should all move on from it. But in order for me to be able to do

> that, I needed you to hear from me, that it wasn't acceptable, and I

> would not stand for it again. I wanted to let you know, that Becca

> and I are going to be starting a family of our own sooner then later,

> and I WILL NOT jeopardize my happy memories of this experience, or

> the health of my wife, during this period. I wanted to let you know

> that we, and I emphasize, we, wanted you in our lives, and to be part

> of that experience. But, we did not, if it meant we were going to be

> put under the same scrutiny that we were for the wedding. I will not

> be put through that again, and certainly will not my wife or unborn

> child put through any extra stress then what is needed. If that

> means you will not have a part in ours, or our babies life, then that

> is your choice. But as any good parent would do, I will not put my

> child, soon to be child, or the mother of my child, in any harms way,

> I am sorry if that harms way in this case is my own parents.

> One thing I do owe an apology for is the statement I made

> when reading my letter blaming you guys on the awkwardness of

> breakfast for Dads birthday. I should not have brought that up then,

> and it was just fresh in my mind and I was frustrated with how it

> went, and maybe I used that as the excuse to finally try and have my

> feelings heard. I was disappointed, with both sides attitudes that

> day towards each other, and it made it awkward for me, and I was sick

> of it. I let you know this in that letter, and I have also let Becca

> know that I did not agree with this. This however, does not give you

> any right whatsoever, to write me an email like was written to me

> shortly after.

> The email that Mom sent a few days after breakfast, and you

> guys barging into my house (which is what it was, it was 11:30pm on a

> work night, and you were not invited to be at my house, let alone,

> push through me to get in) crossed so many lines that I am still,

> after all this time, uncertain if the relationship we once had can

> ever even closely be restored to what it once was, and from my point

> of view, I honestly do not think that it can. Not only did the email

> say hurtful things, it dug at personal things. Things I had told in

> confidence, things that were embarrassing, were all used with no

> holds bar to try and humiliate me, and " put me in my place " . Using

> these things was immature, and to some extent, unforgivable. Seeing

> how long the letter was, and to think that a person, however angry,

> could write that stuff, and still by the time they reached the end,

> still think that it was a constructive, mature, and reflected all of

> the feelings she was feeling in this letter. Yes I know Mom has been

> known to say things out of anger. But a letter at that length,

> digging in on me and my wife at so many different angles, I can only

> think that she knew that this would be damaging to our relationship,

> if not the end of it. I know in the past I have been extremely

> forgiving, yes in the past I may take a while to forgive, but I am

> usually able to just forgive and forget. This time however, I cannot

> foresee ever being able to look at Mom again, and not think of all

> those horrible things that were said.

> Now the topic of the role family has played throughout all of

> this. Apparently the way I was raised, or at least thought I was

> raised, is vastly different then how my parents feel the proper

> conduct in an argument is. You are right, family is there to give

> advice to, and to be there for you. This however, does not give one

> openeded freedom to tell anything and everything to everyone in the

> family. There has to be proper judgement into who it is you confide

> in. Looking back at it, yes it bugged me, and still does kind of bug

> me, how much you talked to my aunts, uncles and cousins. I feel you

> made an effort to look sad infront of these people, as to make

> yourselves look like the victim, so then in turn these people would

> come confront us about it, and get us to " change " . This is just a

> way of trying to manipulate people, into getting me and Becca to do

> what you want, and that is what was wrong with what you did. The

> fact that you talked to them, although I would have appreciated the

> same respect I was displaying for you both, and not discussing with

> people what you did to us, but talking to them wasn't wrong. But

> doing it in such a way to make yourselves look like the victim was

> wrong. What exactly, after I apologized for calling Mom a bitch,

> have you been telling everyone we have done to you? Have you told

> them how you called your son countless names (etc. selfish bastard,

> pussy-whipped, continuously battered him with insults about his wife,

> and tried to break them up multiple times? Have you told them how

> you barged into my house at 11:30 at night, on a work night, and

> yelled at me, and then my wife? Have you told them that because I

> slipped and made one mistake calling Mom a bitch, after numereous

> provocations, I was told that I was out of the family, unless I did

> exactly what I was told to make things right? These are all things,

> that if the story were being told fairly, would be part of what you

> told people, and I find it hard to believe this has been told to

> anyone.

> Now, I have tried to be level headed, and mature throughout

> this whole thing. I have refused to show people the email mom wrote,

> for some reason I felt I should respect you guys and not try to

> tarnish your reputation. Unfortunatly, this is not the same respect

> that we have received. I consistently hear from people all

> the " horrible " things we have done to you, with them not knowing

> anything that you did wrong.

> People may not understand why I am so mad, or why I do not

> speak to you guys anymore. But I have reached a stage in my life,

> that if people do not know who I am by now, and cannot trust that I

> know what I need to do for myself, then those people are really not

> friends or family. A true friend or family member, of course would

> be there to listen to you, but would know there are two sides to the

> story, and that the story that they heard from you guys may not be

> the whole story. My point being, please continue to do what you feel

> you need, but I will not, and have not, changed how I thought, or

> acted because of this. I trust, and am confident that my true

> friends and family will know me better then this, and will give me

> the benefit of the doubt that there must have been wrongs done to me

> as well to justify my actions.

> I am now at the point of my life now, after much pain and

> anguish, that I realize I am my own person. I am no longer defined

> by my parents, or constricted to what they want me, or need me to

> do. I am an adult, and an independent, happily married adult. My

> confidence has grown, and I have become stronger through all of

> this. This argument is not my fault for being started, or Becca's,

> despite what the two of you think. We tried countless times to make

> amends, to agree to disagree, to move on, but you would not accept

> that. I expressed to you the importance of the both of you being in

> our lives, that we would be having a family in the near future, and

> wanted you to be part of it. You both made it clear that you only

> wanted to be a part of our life if it was on your terms, this is not

> acceptable for us. Clearly giving me this answer was the only thing

> that I can say has helped me through this. I am aware now that when

> we do have kids, you will not be excited for us, you will think it

> was " narcisitic " and selfish on our part. I have learned that

> envolving you in my future childs life, may not be healthy for Becca

> and I, as well as our child. I do not trust anymore that if we did

> leave this child with you, that you wouldn't talk negatively about us

> behind our backs. Everything that you have showed us in this last

> year actually suggest that this would be the action that you would

> take.

> I am sorry if the contents of this letter seem harsh or maybe

> mean. This is my feelings. This letter I have thought out long and

> hard, writing it all on my own. This is not a letter that I wrote

> out of anger, it was a long thought out process. There have been a

> few moments where I let my temper get the best of me, but I tried my

> best, to keep a level head, and do what was the right thing.

> This is the last letter I will write you. I am prepared for

> a negative response from the both of you, as I did from my last

> letter. But I am done of this. I am done letting this consume my

> life. I have so much in my life to be happy for, and I am too good

> of a person to let this tarnish any of the great things in my life.

> Becca and I are doing great, we are doing great financially, and we

> have done it all on our own. We are extremely secure in our jobs and

> in our relationships. Although Mom might say that I owe all of this

> to the two of you, since you paid for so much of my stuff for me as a

> child (college, soccer, ect.) that I owe you, this is not true. I

> earned everything I have. I worked hard from a young age, I worked

> hard at school, and made sure to not let you guys pay for too much

> stuff. I feel bad for Danny if you guys decide to turn on him as

> well, because unlike me, he has never turned down you paying for

> something, or taken you out to dinner for paying for his college.

> This is not Danny's fault, but you both have spoiled him, and let him

> not have many, if any, responsibilities. Yet, how many hours did I

> waste on the phone with you both trying to help you parent him

> better, so he would be responsible. This whole time I was genuinely

> concerned, but I would constantly be slapped in the face by things

> being returned to how they were.

> We have already started saving for college for our child. We

> plan on paying for our childs college education. Becca was not as

> fortunate as me to have parents that could afford to pay for her

> college. This was not their fault, people are not all dealt the same

> cards in life. But this made our decision to want to provide this

> for our kids that much more. And the last thing we would ever think

> of doing, is think that our child owes us something for doing this

> for them. For making those sacrifices, it is the parental duty. We

> hope that our child will be as fortunate as us, and can return this

> parental duty, by providing the same financial support to their

> children, not pay us back through how they treat us.

> As I said, this is my last letter, I am done dealing with

> this. We can see where our relationship goes from here, but my

> expectations have become lower and lower as this has gone on. Please

> know that I do love you both, you will always be my parents. You did

> a great job in raising me, you were great parents, that made a few

> small mistakes through the years, which every parent does. But this

> last mistake that has been made, has pushed your son to a point where

> he does not know where you will fit in his life anymore. I wish you

> both the best in life, and hope that you can in some way understand

> why I had to make this desicsion, and to please keep what happens

> from here on out between us. Danny and my relationship has been

> tested through this, since he has been put in the middle. Also, my

> only grandma left in my life, has also been dragged into this. I

> would appreciate, if not for me but for her, to keep her out of

> this. Having the stress of knowing her son and grandson are not

> getting along, is the last thing a 77 year old lady needs.

> As I struggle to find a closing to this novel of a letter, I

> just want to reiterate I do appreciate everything you both did for

> me, and I love you both very much and your health and well being will

> always be in my thoughts. I do not know what the future has in mind

> for what our relationship will be like. But right now, I do know

> that the people my parents have been in my life this last year, I do

> not want in my life as they are. This could maybe change, but right

> now I am not ready to really try.

>

> I love you both.

> Tony

>

[Guest guest]

I think because the normal thing to do would be for her to contact you

on a non-work line and say " I am so sorry, you are right, the message

was innappropriate and I never should have called on that number and I

am so sorry. " This is how a normal person would respond so of course

they aren't going to do that. It sounds to me like they like to have

control and they want you to sweat this one out, or at least your mom

does. This stuff is very hard, and I am sorry they are putting you

through this and can't just act like normal human beings about stuff.

I think you are doing just fine and don't let the games shake you up.

It's up to you what you do about sending the long letter, you just

need to do what is right for you.