To (sorry) Re:Therapy with a mother with BPD

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:

This is a long post, so I'll sum it up here. Then if you want, you can read

the fine details of my experience below. Here's my advice:

1. Find a behavioral therapist, one who preferably is DBT trained.

2. Speak with that therapist FIRST so your mother doesn't have a chance to

portray her own version of your relationship. If the therapist supports your

view, pursue the relationship. If not, find another therapist.

3. You can meet with the therapist and your mother if the therapist thinks

it's advisable, just to set boundaries, etc.

4. Then have the therapist work with your mother on the skills she needs to

learn in order to have a relationship with others including you.

5. Once your mother has been in therapy and is making progress, then you can

meet with her therapist again.

6. Continue seeing your therapist and don't say things like, " My therapist

thinks I should, " because then your mother will think your therapist is a bad

guy who is brain washing you. Keep your therapist for yourself! She is yours!

Sacred! We all need sanctuary from our BP parents.

So here's the reason for my advice. This is my story regarding finding the

right therapist for your mother:

I've been trying to find the right therapist for my mother for about six

months now. She finally agreed to get into " real " therapy as I have not been

allowing her to see my children. It seems to be the only way to hold her

accountable for her actions. She realizes she'll be alone if she doesn't go.

She's gone to therapy before, but I echo Ninera's sentiment when she says you

SHOULDN'T go to your mother's therapist. BP's are great at duping

people...even therapists. Here's my experience:

I found a therapist that does DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) the therapy

of choice for BP's. Unfortunately, her practice does not accept Medicare so

she recommended another therapist. Unfortunately, the new therapist was a

psychotherapist who was not really qualified in dealing with DBT or behavioral

therapy. Regardless, both these therapists spoke to me, listened to me, met my

mom, and confirmed it was my mother who had a serious disorder. With the

" real " background information I gave them on my mother it was easy for them to

confirm once they met her, that she was indeed DBT. They commented on how

attuned

I was to my mother's behavior, how well I could interpret her actions, and

how well I could predict what she would say and do.

Things would have been so much better if we could have continued seeing the

first DBT therapist, but since insurance wouldn't allow it, and since the

second therapist wasn't really a behavioral therapist, I contacted our county

program for a referral. Unfortunately, this referral was to a center where my

mother had already seen a therapist for a number of years. We did not see that

therapist, but a new social worker therapist who insisted she see both my mother

and me at the same time. This social worker had read my mother's files from

her old therapist which were obviously formulated based on my what my mother's

perceptions of her problems were....her daughter who was ungrateful, my

mother being depressed, my mother being " wronged " etc. and not based on the

reality

of her disorder.

As we walked into the session, my mother saw her old therapist and all of a

sudden turned on her fake grandiose accent...you know...the old Hollywood kind

of accent, saying, " Oh dear, how are you? It's so good to see you. She even

hugged the old therapist! Then as we walked away, she began to " whisper " so

she could be heard... " She's such a wonderful person...just wonderful. " Then

she turned back to make sure her old therapist heard everything she had said.

My mother was basically continuing to " stage " her situation. She was putting

on a show for everyone to see that she is depressed and doing everything in her

power to get along with her daughter so she can see her grandchildren who

have been " ripped " away from her.

In addition, my mother had already seen the new therapist alone the week

before. BIG MISTAKE because this new display was only reinforcing that my mom is

a

" sweet " lady who just wants to get into therapy with her daughter to work out

" our differences. " The new therapist wasn't open to the possibility that

there was anything more to our problems. She couldn't see that I had nothing

to

do with them, but that my mother has a serious disorder that needs to be

treated with behavioral therapy and that I do love my mother and want her to be

a

part of our life, but that I am trying to preserve my sanity and raise my

children in an emotionally healthy environment and can't do it if my mother

doesn't get " real " and deal with her disorder properly.

I told the new therapist that I needed to speak with her alone the first half

of our joint session to explain to her the REAL situation. I explained to

her that I needed to do this because I couldn't say everything in front of my

mother because it would only hurt my mom and she would be in denial anyway and

she may decide she doesn't want to continue the therapy. The therapist refused

to see me alone. She said it wasn't fair to speak about my mother behind her

back and that everything should be out in the open. So stupidly, I went

along with it. The therapist asked me what it would take to get past this

situation because my mother was very depressed about not seeing the children.

The

therapist seemed to be really advocating for my mother because she felt she was

the one who was being wronged. She kept saying that it didn't matter if my

mother had a disorder or not. It just mattered if I...ME... wanted to get " past

our differences. " To the therapist, at this moment, I was the problem

because my mother was here trying to get past it.

That was problem numero uno. What that therapist didn't seem to understand

is that it had nothing to do with our differences, but it had everything to do

with my mother's disorder, and if my mother didn't learn the skills she needs

to get along with other people, out of self preservation, I wasn't going to

allow her back in to my life. I made it very clear that my mother needed to

have some sort of behavioral therapy to learn skills to be able to hold a normal

conversation with me and my children without crossing any boundaries.

The social worker refused to hear my rationale and kept insisting on the

" here and now. " She was so blind to the problem that she even suggested that I

allow my mother one whole hour visitation with me and my kids. I told her that

my mother doesn't have the skills to sit with me for five minutes without

crossing some boundary or another. Her behavior is bizarre and very unsettling

for me. The fake display in the hallway was just one example of this.

I still don't think the therapist believed me. She said why do you feel this

way? I said I didn't want to get into it in front of my mom and that I would

only get in to it if we spoke privately. She insisted we needed to get

things out in the open...so I told her some, not all, of my mother's problems.

I

think she began to see a different person than the one my mother portrayed to

her, but she still wasn't buying into the idea that my mother was totally at

fault for our dysfunctional relationship.

Needless to say, my mother can't take criticism from me or anyone else, she

can't work through things without being honest, or without getting excited or

upset, or angry, or crying or without getting physical or trying to manipulate

someone. So when I continued explaining how my mother can be manipulative,

the meeting ended with my mother slamming her cane down on the chair as a poof

of dust spewed from it, as she yelled to the therapist, " SEE WHAT I MEAN??? My

daughter can't let things go!!!! " Then my mother stormed out of the room.

I still don't think that therapist got it. Yes, it DOES matter that our

mother's have a disorder because their treatment needs to be BASED on that

disorder. WE have nothing to do with how our BPD mother's behave. They need

the

help of someone who's " got their number. " Someone who understands how a BP can

be manipulative. Someone who understands that a BP will not be totally honest

with them. Someone who will understand that a BP needs skills first before

they can have any sort of positive relationship with those they've abused.

, Just be tenacious. It may take some time before you can find a

therapist who will truly understand your situation, but being the optimist that

I am, I believe we will find that therapist. When we do, hopefully they will

be able to help our mothers help themselves to be better people towards us,

and who will be able to help our mothers find relief for the pain they

experience every day of their lives.

I wish you peace.

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