Who Enabled Your Nada?

March 15, 2008

Hello Group,

Who enabled your Nada to continue her " crazy making " behaviour? In my

family it was everyone. (Me included to a limited extent because I

feared her rages). However the biggest enabler was my Dad. He was a

WWII Vet and decorated for Bravery but he was completely unable to stand

up to Nada. It was the perfect Co-Dependent relationship. She was

terrified of losing him and he was unable to confront her on anything.

She NEVER got angry with him (he might leave her) and he never got angry

with her (she might leave him). She did however, take out her rage,

extreme irritability and emotional abuse on us, her children and anyone

else she considered a " lower life form " .

My brother (an alcoholic) still enables Nada. My sister (Nada's

favourite) enabled her until Nada started to try to break up her

marriage.

My Dad's inability to stand up for his children when Nada was raging and

completely out of control, left me with the clear message that I wasn't

worth anything.

So who enabled your Nada? How did they do it and how does it make you

feel?

March 15, 2008

Sheila,

We all did. Everyone was afraid of her rages. Nobody stood up to her

and that's all there is. No one should have that power. It's tragic.

My baby sister and I are finally coming to terms with the abuse and

standing together against it.

Mercy

>

> Hello Group,

>

> Who enabled your Nada to continue her " crazy making " behaviour? In my

> family it was everyone. (Me included to a limited extent because I

> feared her rages).

March 15, 2008

My fada always enabled her, defended her. Just like the

book " Understanding the Borderline Mother " says, the Hermit's

husband can be a " good " father until such time as he has to make a

choice between his wife and the children. Once, when my mom was

stressed and had a " psychotic " episode and threw me out of the

house, my dad criticized ME for calling her " crazy " as I left.

When I got engaged, my dad told me to keep it quiet (the whole

family and grandparents were there for Thanksgiving -- the perfect

time for a happy family announcement, right?). He said " Don't say

anything -- it'll upset your mother. "

And all these years I had the delusion in my head that he was

a " good dad " -- that my mother was the problem all by herself. Now,

at age 45, I finally see him as he really is, and that mother

doesn't do all of this alone -- that we as a system, propped her

up. My dad especially. I no longer do that, and I'm paying the

price of being labeled the " bad daughter " , and my dad is only too

eager to paint me that way, instead of taking a good look at his

wife.

-Kyla

> >

> > Hello Group,

> >

> > Who enabled your Nada to continue her " crazy making " behaviour?

In my

> > family it was everyone. (Me included to a limited extent

because I

> > feared her rages).

>

March 16, 2008

My mil recently told me that besides me, no one in her entire life

has ever told her that she hurt their feelings. At first I thought

she just said this to invalidate my comments to her about her

behavior and the verbal assault that she recently sent may way.

She emphasized her point by saying that none of her sons ever told

her that she hurt them. Then she said, well, I don't know, maybe

you've had conversations with mr. rinkled, and he said something to

you? Long pause. . . I remained silent, figuring that she was

fishing for details of private conversations between me and my

husband. I didn't tell her the myriad of ways that she hurt her son

when he was growing up. And that as a well indoctrinated child, he

knew better than to confront her.

> >

> > Hello Group,

> >

> > Who enabled your Nada to continue her " crazy making " behaviour?

In my

> > family it was everyone. (Me included to a limited extent because

I

> > feared her rages).

>

March 16, 2008

I would tend to agree that in my family it was also everyone. However,

in the grand scheme of things, without the enabling of a father, the

children really have no choice but to go with the flow to some extent

while still living under the same roof.

Although I always knew Nada was " off, " I never could quite figure it

out. Dinner time at our house was always a crap-shoot...she could be

in a good mood or a bad mood and change on a dime. Dad would also

sometimes rage about things that seemed entirely meaningless (i.e.

something he put in the fridge was not where he left it). This would

give Nada the opportunity to say, " He's so selfish. He's Mr.

Perfect. " etc, etc. Then if she was mad at my grandma she'd add, " He

NEVER listens to me. " (Probably true! We all tended to tune her

out.) I remember one time when I was in middle school Nada would not

stop ranting about my Grandma during dinner and finally my dad threw

everything that was on the kitchen table onto the floor and stormed out

of the house. Nada said such things as , " I never should have married

him. Let him go visit that b*tch. " I was horrified. I also

inadvertently cut my foot on a broken glass and of course that sent off

another set of diatribes about my father. By the time he came home,

everyone pretended it never happened. I never heard either of them

apologize for anything, ever. It was nuts.

I know he knows her behavior isn't right. I used to think she was

right about his selfishness, etc. But in retrospect, I think some of

his crazy behavior was more about her. He couldn't control the way his

wife was behaving, so he was trying to control the little things...like

where the ketchup bottle should be and he got frustrated when even that

wouldn't work out.

Today, where before he never spoke a bad word about his mother, (my

grandmother), he agrees with Nada that, " Your grandmother never treated

your mother very well. " Huh? Even as a kid I was astute enough to

figure out that my grandmother never did anything to Nada. She was by

no means an overly warm person, but she was not mean. Nada just

twisted things she said into something they weren't in classic BPD form.

Of course now that I stand up to Nada, I am the bad daughter and

behave " shamefully. " Yeah right. My most recent transgression was

inviting them to brunch on Christmas Eve. For that, I was told I

had " ruined the holidays again. " Nada felt entitled to the full

Christmas dinner. Too bad for her. We weren't going to spend my

husbands one full day off with a crazy woman and her enabling husband.

There are only so many conversations revolving around the sales at

Costco, VG's and Kroger to talk about.

Someone mentioned their Nada not owning a mop...mine didn't either.

She was always on her hands and knees with the kitchen

washcloth...sometimes I think this was so she could later play the

martyr. I don't remember her have OCD tendancies, but if she was

upset, she would clean like a crazy person. Literally. She would have

a conversation with herself while vacuuming or dusting. It was like

she was possessed. People have posted that their Nada's eyes would get

all creepy when she raged, this would happen to my Nada when she was on

an angry cleaning spree.

Anyhow...the enabling is over on my part.

JJFan

>

> Who enabled your Nada to continue her " crazy making " behaviour? In my

> family it was everyone.

March 16, 2008

Wow, I can sure relate to everything I read on group! So glad to have

joined! My growing up years were just like this except my dad wasn't

around hardly at all, so my sister & I had our nada all by ourselves.

Even though we were kids, we knew she was crazy, can so relate to how

twisted things become. So being a newbee, think that sister & I enabled

our nada. Have only read, I hate you don't Leave me so far, looking

forward to reading the next one and reading all of the posts!

> > >

> > > Hello Group,

> > >

> > > Who enabled your Nada to continue her " crazy making " behaviour?

> In my

> > > family it was everyone. (Me included to a limited extent

> because I

> > > feared her rages).

> >

>

March 16, 2008

I'm thinking about something right now that is probably really

strange. It is my father that is the borderline. My mother was

sexually abused by her father from the age of 3 til she left home at

18. Her mother died when she was 10, and her father was also a gambler

and alcoholic. My sister and I were abused by this man when we went to

stay with him for a week on consecutive summers (separately).

Even though we told my mother about the abuse we were given no help,

except her saying that we were lucky it wasn't worse. My whole life I

have heard that no matter what happened to me it was much worse for

her (the implication being I didn't have any 'right' to be upset about

it, I had no 'right' to my feelings about it or to even sort through

them or grieve about it). Because he did what he did to my mother and

she still wanted him as her father, I had no 'right' to be angry at

him. It was my dad that did this enabling and dismissing my sister and

my emotions about what happened to us. To me this is a case of him

enabling her neglect of us, of what happened to us. It was all about

her, and what she went through.

March 16, 2008

i guess i enabled my mom. i didn't really tell anybody about what

was going on. i am sure she was crazy enough to alledge sexual

molestation charges against my dad if her custody was threatened and

i knew enough about the family court system that they would side with

my mom even if my little sisters and i were saying she was lying. i

stood up to her at home, but that was pretty ineffectual.

bink

>

> Hello Group,

>

> Who enabled your Nada to continue her " crazy making " behaviour? In

my

> family it was everyone. (Me included to a limited extent because I

> feared her rages). However the biggest enabler was my Dad. He

was a

> WWII Vet and decorated for Bravery but he was completely unable to

stand

> up to Nada. It was the perfect Co-Dependent relationship. She

was

> terrified of losing him and he was unable to confront her on

anything.

> She NEVER got angry with him (he might leave her) and he never got

angry

> with her (she might leave him). She did however, take out her

rage,

> extreme irritability and emotional abuse on us, her children and

anyone

> else she considered a " lower life form " .

>

> My brother (an alcoholic) still enables Nada. My sister (Nada's

> favourite) enabled her until Nada started to try to break up her

> marriage.

>

> My Dad's inability to stand up for his children when Nada was

raging and

> completely out of control, left me with the clear message that I

wasn't

> worth anything.

>

> So who enabled your Nada? How did they do it and how does it make

you

> feel?

>

March 16, 2008

If no one else has said this to you, I'll say it here: you are absolutely

justified in your anger over this mess. You have every right to feel abused and

betrayed. That sub-human thing had no right to do what he did to you or your

sister. He had no right to do what he did to your mother. That she let you stay

with him unsupervised is unimaginable to me. As parents we are supposed to

protect our children until they can protect themselves. I can understand her

need for this monster as her father, there are complex issues at work. But

allowing this to go on was wrong. I have no understanding of what makes a parent

put their children in such a situation.

I am so sorry for your loss of innocence. It is not fair.

Re: Who Enabled Your Nada?

I'm thinking about something right now that is probably really

strange. It is my father that is the borderline. My mother was

sexually abused by her father from the age of 3 til she left home at

18. Her mother died when she was 10, and her father was also a gambler

and alcoholic. My sister and I were abused by this man when we went to

stay with him for a week on consecutive summers (separately) .