Resistance!

[Guest guest]

Hello to the Group, New to the group (any group for that matter) and not really

comfortable about putting this out there but I promised I would try. Going by what I have read this past week, I am

pretty much a novice in ACT. So if I don't

use the correct terminology apologies in advance, also for the length, being

concise is not a quality I own.

General history is best known I guess. Suffer Chronic Depression, Stress and Anxiety for just over

20 years, but I have also been suffering for the past 16 years Chronic Pain. Now I know they are seen as the same under

ACT so when I say pain I actually mean my physical pain - nerve pain, muscular

spasm, headaches, facial, ear and eye pain, arm and hand pain the list could go on but why bother going into the medical side, you get what I am saying.

I begged to be referred to a pain clinic 2 years ago as I

was at my wits end, 6 months later I was assigned to a Pain Clinic Psychologist

who recommend the Act approach, after all, done the psycho-analysis, psychotherapy,

psychiatrists and CBT and still was no

further forward in the long term.

I am a year and half into ACT, and you would think I would

have been further forward but no, why....Resistance. It was only a few months ago I became aware

of my level of resistance, which seems to be to pretty much everything, not

just ACT but life/living.

I have spent more time in this last year and a half thinking

of dying than living. I promised not to

give up. Selling the idea to myself I

hadn't tried hard enough with ACT. Upon realising

how my mind resists, and waking up to the fact that thoughts are not me, I feel

my brain has gone to war, as I have with it.

I trusted my thoughts to help and I am sure it did on many stressful and

frightful occasions, but all the while it was helping me, at the same time it

was emotionally and mentally abusing me.

I did not see that until now. Now

unlike an abusive partner or friend, whom you can walk away from, that's just

not possible with your thoughts. You can't

fall out with them, or can you......you can, but there's a catch you only end

up creating a bigger battle in your mind.

But despite knowing this the realisation of what my head has done to me

has made me hate me (the thinking me), which is leading to further resistance,

even more than before and more emotional pain on top of my physical pain, which

I already find impossible to accept.

I am trying to push forward with mindfulness, doing courses

in it too. Forcing myself to sit with my horrible thinking self, that I hate,

to find that it's only creating more distress.

Because my thinking mind sees meditation time as party time to really

mess with me, and its chucking everything, including the kitchen sink at me and

I am drowning in a big way.

Today was a full day

mindfulness retreat, a day to truly develop your mindfulness practice. I spent 3 hours sobbing, breaking down. I did the" thank you mind", I did the" I am

noticing the thought" but it is said in a tone of anger and not kindness. Which means I am still resisting what my head

wanted me to look at. Today started with

mindful body movement (yoga), something I excelled in years ago, but now

triggers pain. So triggers the thoughts

and the emotions that go with the pain, "this is painful to do", "I don't want to concentrate on the

pain", "feel how much this really hurts you", "this will never go away", "I

want it gone", "I want my old life back", "leave me depressed anxious and stressed

but take the pain away", "its getting worst", "you're going to trigger a really

big pain episode". This then evolves into the big bombs, the thoughts I cannot seem to diffuse from....."what are you

go for now"....."your good for nothing"......"but I have to be good for

something". I find I cannot diffuse from

it at all, I want an answer to them, and before you say acceptance that's not

what I mean, I want to know what I am good for?. And in regards to accepting my pain if I

could come to terms with accepting my chronic physical pain, then for me, I am

as good as saying "I am good for nothing".

I have totally bought into this, so much so it's positively antique, but I

want an answer "WHAT AM I GOOD FOR", it's not going away and I can't diffuse

from it, and can't seem to sit with it either, so what do I do?

The Body scan session was no better, nor was the loving

kindness, nor was the mindful walking, all I was consumed by today was physical

pain and I don't want to dwell on that, I can't do anything to change it, it's

for life and it's ruined my life. I spent

time today imagining the little river flowing past the lovely river bank, with

the beautiful tress and birds and squirrels, I could even smell the flowers,

but as soon as those leaves start coming it's not long before it turns into a

giant tidal wave with the word "PAIN" flashing before me, and I am consumed and

drowning again. I survived the day but

in my own way, I can't say it was very mindful.

Disappointed in myself, but understanding of why it turned out as it

did.

I have 's Book "Get out of your mind and into your

Life", I have the Compassionate Mind Book and many others. For me I find ever word painful to read,

mentally and physically, every exercise feels like the ultimate challenge, I am

unfit to meet. You see even holding open

a book causes pain, so before I even get to picking it up and reading all the

words I feel resistant to reading, I am

already thinking about pain, how much this will hurt, how long can I read for,

how much will writing out the exercises hurt...so before I even get anywhere with

my resistant thoughts about ACT and mindfulness, I am already stuck, with

getting my head around pain, I feel I have a life time pass on the pain train not

to mention the mind train, stuck on a journey going the wrong way forever.

I am trapped at present, before it seemed just to be about

the physical pain, now you can add my anger at my mind. I want to walk away from all parts of me, but

that's not possible (well there is one, commit the Ultimate Experience Avoidance). I

want my body back, fine mess with my head leave me depressed just end the

physical pain. I am always angry and frustrated all the time. The

more I am doing to get anywhere with that, the worst it just seems to be

getting.

How is it possible that you can become aware of your resistance

to then develop even more resistance?

I am completely and utterly lost with all of this. What am I

not getting, with ACT, Mindfulness, and Compassion to help me deal with all of

this.

Jo

PS, sorry this was so long, but if you took the time to read

it all, then I am grateful you did.