Re: New Happenings

[Guest guest]

You rock, chick. Do what is best for you and congratulations on your new home

and new mate. Be good to yourself and enjoy every credit for where you are at

this time in your life.

New Happenings

Hello everyone.

I haven't been posting much lately....basically I've been reading

everyone else's posts, and sometimes replying to those. My life is

at a pivotal point right now, and it has been really difficult to

express my feelings lately.

Last week, I offically became a homeowner. I just turned 24 years

old, and I am financially secure enough to buy a house. This was one

of my biggest goals in life, and finally, I've achieved it. I feel

so happy about it. I am proud of myself.

But a part of me wishes my mother was around to be proud of me too.

I've been NC with her since November 15th of last year. About 4

months, to be exact.

I'm also getting married in 3 1/2 weeks. NADA doesn't know about

that either.

I guess I have just been very sad that all these wonderful things

have been happening to me, and the person who used to be most

important to me doesn't care about me, and doesn't have the

emotional capacity to be happy for me and supportive of me.

Friday, when I went and saw my home for the first time as the

official owner, I had my phone in hand, getting ready to call NADA.

But then i thought about it..what she might say. how she would

react. she probably wouldn't even have answered. but if she did, she

probalby would have been non expressive.. ..acting like nothing I

accomplish is from my own accord. She always liked to think that my

accomplishments were her own. That I never would have been

succcessful without her, that because of her I succeeded.. Well, now,

I'm taking all the credit for those things. She did serve as a

motivation however...I knew from a young age that I NEVER wanted to

depend on her for anything as an adult, because I knew she would

destroy my life for it. she motivated me not to become like her. and

her hatefullness and disapproval of me forced me to move away from

her to start my own life based on my own standards and goals.

I don't know if i should contact my NADA anytime soon. I've been

thinking about it. I just don't know what I would say/write to her.

I feel like I am approaching a mountain top in my life. Where i am

looking down at everything.. .determining how I'm going to handle

getting back down so I can crawl up to the next peak.

How's that for a metaphor? lol. but really, thats how I feel.

anyone else have similar experiences?

~Sara jo

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo-

1st...congratulations on the new house. You have every right to be

happy and proud of your accomplishment. I wish you all the best as

you are getting ready to begin your new life with your wonderful

husband-to-be.

Regarding your question...it is only natural to want to " share " your

happy news with family. The problem is that our families (for those

of us who participate in the board) aren't really capable of sharing

in our joy to any real degree. More often, they steal our joy and

have us looking back on a happy occasion with an asterick of " if

only... "

It is REALLY hard to let go of that inner wish that our families were

normal and that they could truly share our happiness. I do know what

you are feeling. Two weeks ago I got a raise. I would have loved to

have called my parents and tell them. But I haven't spoken with them

since December 21st.

I would have loved to call them after I went to my daughters parent-

teacher conferences a week ago and repeated what my daughters teacher

said, " I can't think of anything negative to say about your

daughter. Not only is she really bright, she is kind and very well

behaved. " As much as I know that NC is probably the best thing for

me right now, it's hard to get over that urge to pick up the phone

and just call.

But I really feel like I have made progress recently and that phone

call would be nothing but upsetting. I don't expect my Nada or my

father will ever apologize and I am tired of pretending nothing

happened. Enough is enough.

So when I felt the urge to call them, I called a friend instead who

was really excited for me. No...it's not quite the same. But she

didn't steal my joy and that was priceless!

Sometimes the hardest part of dealing with the BPDs in our lives is

coming to the realization that no matter how much we wish it were

different, it will never be and we have to recognize that and move on

in whatever way works for us. There really is a grieving process

involved. We grieve for the lost childhood we never had and the

future relationship that will never be. It's tough, but it beats not

knowing what is wrong and feeling like you are the crazy person.

You can congratulate yourself for getting to the point where you can

look down from that mountain and see where you've come from. You can

see the challenges ahead, but you have the skills you need to meet

all of those challenges.

And you also have someone wonderful to share your life with! Don't

ever feel guilty for being happy! You deserve every bit of it and

more! Don't let the Devil steal your joy!

Hugs to you!

JJFan

>

> I don't know if i should contact my NADA anytime soon. I've been

> thinking about it. I just don't know what I would say/write to her.

>

> I feel like I am approaching a mountain top in my life. Where i am

> looking down at everything...determining how I'm going to handle

> getting back down so I can crawl up to the next peak.

> How's that for a metaphor? lol. but really, thats how I feel.

> anyone else have similar experiences?

> ~Sara jo

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your kind words on this. I know you all understand

what this all feels like for me.

~Sara jo

> >

> > I don't know if i should contact my NADA anytime soon. I've been

> > thinking about it. I just don't know what I would say/write to

her.

> >

> > I feel like I am approaching a mountain top in my life. Where i

am

> > looking down at everything...determining how I'm going to handle

> > getting back down so I can crawl up to the next peak.

> > How's that for a metaphor? lol. but really, thats how I feel.

> > anyone else have similar experiences?

> > ~Sara jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo, I also congratulate you on your new home! That is wonderful.

JJFAN, I totally agree. Very well said. It is very much a grieving

process. We all have lost so much in the wake of BPD parents. I

think wading through the grief process truly sets us apart on the

other side. When we do finally get there, we are older, wiser, a bit

banged-up and bruised but we can proudly declare that we survived and

rose above the storm, refusing to accept the insanity as it was

dished out.

Mercy

>

....

> Sometimes the hardest part of dealing with the BPDs in our lives is

> coming to the realization that no matter how much we wish it were

> different, it will never be and we have to recognize that and move

on in whatever way works for us. There really is a grieving process

> involved. We grieve for the lost childhood we never had and the

> future relationship that will never be. It's tough, but it beats

not knowing what is wrong and feeling like you are the crazy person.

>

....

>

> JJFan

>

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo, I'm just so incredibly impressed by what you've done so far

in your young life, and how far you've come since you joined this

group. To be able to purchase a house when you're 24 is a huge

achievement. This could set you in motion for eventual financial

security in your later years. Not to mention, the pride of

ownership!

I, too, can identify with the feelings of wishing we had our

parents' support, encouragement and congratulations. I think it was

my assumption that I had that (despite their actual behavior to the

contrary) which kept confounding me -- kept me floundering in an

emotional " no-man's land. " I was still stuck between the fantasy

and the reality.

When we decide to face the reality -- the ACTUALITY of our lives --

the truth starts to emerge and, let's face it: it hurts.

But, we must soldier on and encourage ourselves. Celebrate our own

achievements. Move on. Accept the reality that our lives, like all

other lives on this earth, aren't perfect, aren't storybook.

My favorite books to read have always been biographies, and I am

just now realizing why. I think it always gave me comfort to see

that other lives in this world -- even famous, celebrated lives! --

had their painful imperfections, their selfish players wreaking

havoc. It made me feel less alone in my own miseries.

But for now, it hurts. Take time to feel it and that will help you

accept it. Tending to your own life, your own marriage and family,

will propel you forward.

And don't forget to stop and congratulate yourself every once in

awhile! Enjoy your wedding day without the chaos that your mother's

emotional whirlwind would inevitably bring. Make your wedding day

your declaration of independence of emotional tyranny -- from

ANYONE, whether it's your mother or a boss, or a neighbor. Life

will keep throwing these types at you -- and your reactions to them

will determine if they decide to make a meal of you, or keep moving

to the next victim.

Again, congratulations, and {Big Hugs}. Keep going.

-Kyla

>

> Hello everyone.

> I haven't been posting much lately....basically I've been reading

> everyone else's posts, and sometimes replying to those. My life is

> at a pivotal point right now, and it has been really difficult to

> express my feelings lately.

> Last week, I offically became a homeowner. I just turned 24 years

> old, and I am financially secure enough to buy a house. This was

one

> of my biggest goals in life, and finally, I've achieved it. I feel

> so happy about it. I am proud of myself.

> But a part of me wishes my mother was around to be proud of me

too.

> I've been NC with her since November 15th of last year. About 4

> months, to be exact.

> I'm also getting married in 3 1/2 weeks. NADA doesn't know about

> that either.

> I guess I have just been very sad that all these wonderful things

> have been happening to me, and the person who used to be most

> important to me doesn't care about me, and doesn't have the

> emotional capacity to be happy for me and supportive of me.

> Friday, when I went and saw my home for the first time as the

> official owner, I had my phone in hand, getting ready to call

NADA.

> But then i thought about it..what she might say. how she would

> react. she probably wouldn't even have answered. but if she did,

she

> probalby would have been non expressive....acting like nothing I

> accomplish is from my own accord. She always liked to think that

my

> accomplishments were her own. That I never would have been

> succcessful without her, that because of her I succeeded. Well,

now,

> I'm taking all the credit for those things. She did serve as a

> motivation however...I knew from a young age that I NEVER wanted

to

> depend on her for anything as an adult, because I knew she would

> destroy my life for it. she motivated me not to become like her.

and

> her hatefullness and disapproval of me forced me to move away from

> her to start my own life based on my own standards and goals.

>

> I don't know if i should contact my NADA anytime soon. I've been

> thinking about it. I just don't know what I would say/write to

her.

>

> I feel like I am approaching a mountain top in my life. Where i am

> looking down at everything...determining how I'm going to handle

> getting back down so I can crawl up to the next peak.

> How's that for a metaphor? lol. but really, thats how I feel.

> anyone else have similar experiences?

> ~Sara jo

>