Thankyou. I'm not the only one.

[Guest guest]

I moved out of my mums place 2 years ago. The first year I didn't have

any contact with her and she didn't try and contact me. But after a

year I felt too guilty and thought I better apologise for moving out

and try and restart a relationship with her. For the next year,

although I didn't live with her I had contact with her. It was a pretty

shallow relationship but it was still the best we'd had in a long time.

Then a week before I moved countries which was something she encouraged

she snapped and I became the target of her anger again, so I moved back

in with her to try and reconcile the situation. Now I live with her

sister and she calls frequently but won't speak to me. I know she is

saying bad things about me and by not contacting her she can build on

this and hold it against me. But I don't know how to put behind how mad

I feel towards her...and if I don't then there isn't much hope in

having a relationship with her. I don't know what to do? But reading

other people's comments is so interesting because now I can see I'm not

the only one.

[Guest guest]

Maybe what helped me will help you, too. I now see my mother as

someone I can't have a " full " relationship with, and so I stop

trying. If I keep trying as if she's " normal " , I will continue to

be angry. If I think that I can " convince " her of her wrongdoings

and normalize our relationship, I will continue to be angry. If I

keep having to have this idealized relationship with her that lives

in my head, then dealing with the " real " nada is going to lead to my

anger.

I had to GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to detach from her without regard to

her opinion of my decision. I had to detach from her, live my own

life, not see her as often, and just let her say what she (and my

dad) is going to say about it. I have to not concern myself with

her badmouthing me, because it's just the rantings of a BPD mind. I

had to let her go.

When you can let her go and turn your attention toward building your

own life and relationships with people who truly care about you and

respect you, then the anger lessens.

I know I get angry all over again when I allow their badmouthing of

me to seep into my soul. I have to allow them their words and let

it go. They don't define me.

I get angry all over again when I think of " telling her off " and

naming every last thing she's done to me. Knowing that won't do any

good (she and my dad won't listen to my side -- they're determined

to make it my fault so that they can preserve their illusion that

they're OK. Even though they know deep down that they're not.), I

have to let that go.

Again, the anger lessens when you let her go. You can't change her.

You can't manage her words or her reactions to your decisions. You

can't let her disrespect you. You have to let her go and

emotionally (and perhaps, physically) detach from the situation.

Anger indicates you're still in the game. Get out of the game and

go live your life.

-Kyla

>

> I moved out of my mums place 2 years ago. The first year I didn't

have

> any contact with her and she didn't try and contact me. But after

a

> year I felt too guilty and thought I better apologise for moving

out

> and try and restart a relationship with her. For the next year,

> although I didn't live with her I had contact with her. It was a

pretty

> shallow relationship but it was still the best we'd had in a long

time.

> Then a week before I moved countries which was something she

encouraged

> she snapped and I became the target of her anger again, so I moved

back

> in with her to try and reconcile the situation. Now I live with

her

> sister and she calls frequently but won't speak to me. I know she

is

> saying bad things about me and by not contacting her she can build

on

> this and hold it against me. But I don't know how to put behind

how mad

> I feel towards her...and if I don't then there isn't much hope in

> having a relationship with her. I don't know what to do? But

reading

> other people's comments is so interesting because now I can see

I'm not

> the only one.

>

[Guest guest]

" The anger lessens when you let her go. "

Thanks for writing that. I'm still angry after 2 years of NC. The next

step is to let go of anger. I have to visualize a 'letting go' scene

and internalize it... maybe me pushing nada/fada off on a little boat.

> >

> > I moved out of my mums place 2 years ago. The first year I didn't

> have

> > any contact with her and she didn't try and contact me. But after

> a

> > year I felt too guilty and thought I better apologise for moving

> out

> > and try and restart a relationship with her. For the next year,

> > although I didn't live with her I had contact with her. It was a

> pretty

> > shallow relationship but it was still the best we'd had in a long

> time.

> > Then a week before I moved countries which was something she

> encouraged

> > she snapped and I became the target of her anger again, so I moved

> back

> > in with her to try and reconcile the situation. Now I live with

> her

> > sister and she calls frequently but won't speak to me. I know she

> is

> > saying bad things about me and by not contacting her she can build

> on

> > this and hold it against me. But I don't know how to put behind

> how mad

> > I feel towards her...and if I don't then there isn't much hope in

> > having a relationship with her. I don't know what to do? But

> reading

> > other people's comments is so interesting because now I can see

> I'm not

> > the only one.

> >

>