WARNING SEXUAL CONTENT Re: Re: Nadas and sexual development

[Guest guest]

Once again, I am so thankful to the members of this board who are willing to

talk through such painful and personal subjects. Reading all of your posts has

brought me another one of those lightbulb moments and along with that - such

relief. This thread is completely fascinating to me. I got all kinds of weird

mixed messages when it came to sex and bodily functions also. Here are some of

the major things I remember...

My nada was always telling me she got an infection from having sex with my

father. I can remember seeing her squat over a pyrex dish in the bathroom

pouring diluted Lysol over her genitals. It was horrible. Apparently there is

an old wives tale about Lysol preventing pregnancy, but she thought it would

make her clean. I can also remember her douching constantly.

May nada kept track of my periods and would always remind me when mine was

coming up. She went into such detail about pads and making sure you didn't

touch the part that went towards your body because they had to be absolutely

sanitary. She also said using tampons was something only sexually active girls

wanted to do.

When I was a teenager, I wore a one piece bathing suit to a pool party. The

pool was the rough concrete type and when I swam along the bottom, it caused

little snags in the fabric of the suit. A few days after the party I heard my

nada screaming my name saying " come here this instant! " I had not idea what to

expect, but I got to the laundry room and found her holding up the suit and

asking me who " had their hands all up in my bathing suit. " She assumed the

snags were from me letting someone stretch it out by sticking their hands in it.

I can also remember her examining my underwear the same way. Several times I

hid my underwear from her inspections after I would come home from being out

with friends or on a date. It was completely humiliating.

I was also talked to about problems with my parents sex life at a very young

age. I was told if my father couldn't maintain an erection, I was told she

thought it was because he was gay. She talked to me about how important it was

for the woman to put the condom on the man and to include it as part of

foreplay. I was probably about 9 or 10 when we had this conversation. Luckily,

I somehow decided that my nada's feelings about sex were abnormal and I decided

that I was not going to get a bunch of hang ups like she had. I was very in

control of the when, who and where when I lost my virginity. It went just fine

and I grew up to have a healthy outlook on the body, sex, etc. Once again, my

thanks for having a place to talk through this craziness.

Tag

Re: Re: Nadas and sexual development

I hid my first period, too. I was so ashamed and embarassed to tell her!!! I

didn't realize there was a difference between pantiliners and maxipads...so I

stole a box of pantiliners from the hall closet and was using those...they

didn't last long. I also thought that a period only lasted 3-4 days, so by day

6...after going through all those panitliners so fast...I was certain something

was wrong and that I was dying. So I finally had to tell her. She wouldn't let

me use tampons, either, but I found pads completely gross...so I just bought my

own. My dad was always willing to pick whatever I needed up, too...I was always

impressed with that since he was a Marine and had no sisters. So it may have

been a *tad* uncomfortable for him, but he did it anyway.

My mother gave very very mixed messages about sex. In many ways, she was very

prudish....I definitely got an early message that sex was an unfortunate

necessity of life and that enjoying it was bad. This came partly from her, and

also partly from having been molested as a preschooler by a neighbor. (Who got

away with it...my parents did nothing and we just didn't talk about it.) I had

some other negative experiences. ..in particular some boys in 4th grade who

cornered me on a class trip to a park and tried to wrestle my shorts off me. As

if that wasn't traumatizing enough...I was the one who got punished by the

teacher AND by my mother (who was the school secretary). I had, they said, asked

for it. So it's no wonder that I had a pretty unhealthy view of sexual

interactions. My mother was raised by a nurse though, so my brother and I knew

our parts were called penis and vagina! She would try to dress me in revealing

clothes, but then would insult them.

When I got

to my teen years she was all about me dressing in baggy shapeless things OR in

really tight revealing things. She had this rant about not flaunting my body to

tempt boys. But, soon as she and my dad were divorced she was all about getting

the right kind of bra to show off her breasts and taking the right angle picture

of the silhouette of her breasts for her online dating stuff. *shudder*

When I was 5, I wanted to know how babies were made but sensed that I couldn't

ask that question. I knew how to read...and I knew how to look things up in my

Childcraft Encyclopedia set. So I looked it up...and then informed my mother how

my uncle's sperm met with my aunt's egg inside her " udders " and that at first it

was very very small but then it grew and soon it would turn itself upside down

and push push push its way out of her udders and then! Then it would be born!!

She was a bit stunned, so I showed her the page in the book and she said " well,

that's great, but this word here? That's not " udders " , that's 'uterus'. " I said

to her, " Oh, that's right. Udders is where milk comes out of a cow! " Then I

immediately said, " Mommy, I just don't get one thing...how did Uncle T's sperm

GET to Aunt M's egg? " and she answered " I'm just not ready to tell you that

yet. " Eventually she told me that it happened when a man and a woman were " close

together and

loving each

other. " So poor little 5 year old me pictured clouds of these teeny sperm things

floating through the air and I wondered how on earth they knew which female to

go into...so I was TERRIFIED to be hugged by any male, including my dad! Finally

when I was 7 she gave me the whole scoop, in very clinical and scientific terms.

But, she was also inappropriate in other ways. I knew early on in life that she

did not like sex with my dad. WAY before I should have been aware of that. And

if anyone tells an off color joke she is HORRIFIED. But then...she's known to

make those jokes, to turn innocent comments into double entendres and for that

she's proud of her wit and cleverness. She had no qualms, when I was in high

school, of regaling my friends with her childbirth experiences (and how many

stitches she had) or about her first bikini wax. I think she just wanted to be

the center of attention with my friends...she kept telling me how none of them

really liked ME anyway, but that they really just loved her stories. *eyeroll*

She was always accusing me of being more sexually active than I was. Sometimes

it was " You can tell me anything. " and yet I knew if I did it would be used

against me. I think she was truly afraid of the power of sexual urges and

pleasure. She sometimes would

condemn

my friends who she thought were sexually active, but then would harass me for

not having enough boyfriends. I had boyfriends.. .I just didn't tell her about

most of them!! The one I'll never forget is when she said to me " If I ever found

out you had premarital sex, I would have you committed to a mental hospital

because that is just not how I raised you, so if you went against it I would

know there was something seriously wrong with you. " She denies ever saying this,

but I remember it crystal clear...because 3 weeks earlier I'd been raped. I knew

as soon as she said it that I'd never tell her about that assault.

Ninera

aprilinri <aprilondiscox (DOT) net> wrote:

Girlscout,

I have been lurking on this board for the last few months (struggling

in grad school), but I HAD to write after reading your post.

I also hid my period from my mother! I thought I was the only one!!

I've never heard of anyone else who felt the need to do that. I got my

period on a Saturday morning, and knew right away what it was from my

friends and watching " that video in fourth grade. " I remember thinking

that " she won't help me " - meaning that she would not buy me pads or

tampons, much less painkillers (I had severe cramps). I was also

afraid she would tell my narcissistic older brother, or somehow invade

my privacy or embarrass me. I just knew I could not trust her or tell her.

This is sad, and I apologize in advance if this is TMI for anyone

(please don't read if you think you might get grossed out)- but that

weekend I used the one pad she had in our family bathroom, and after

that just changed my soiled underwear about 15 times. :-( My plan was

to wait until I could get to middle school on Monday and walk home

through town, where I could buy some " feminine products. " I hid all

the stained underwear in my armoir. I was afraid she would find them,

and know what was happening. She found them though, and yelled and

cried because I stained my clothes and was becoming a " dirty young

lady. " She called my aunts on both sides of the FOO to tell them what

I did, adding it to my lists of faults. *I can still feel the shame I

felt when I overheard those conversations - she used the telephone in

the kitchen* She STILL didn't buy me any pads though - so I had to

keep changing my underwear and followed through with the plan of

walking home from school and buying my own. I bleached all the

underwear I owned.

In response to your question about repression, um YES that describes

my nada to a T. She believed only " sluts " wore tampons, and tried to

get my father to punish me when she discovered I had my first kiss.

(He didn't do that though, he just asked me to tell him what kind of

guy he was and reminded me to make careful choices). She also once

found a note my friends and I were passing back and forth in the 7th

grade where we were talking to each about what we thought sex might be

like. She was so furious with me for having a " gutter mind " she

literally would not speak with me for days. I was beside myself

sobbing for her to talk to me. Once again, she tried to have my father

punish me, and once again he just volunteered to answer my questions

(which I wasn't really comfortable discussing with him at the time,

but it was a response that seriously relieved me from believing I was

a whore).

- April

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