working on a letter to NADA before wedding

March 19, 2008

Hi Everyone--

So I feel the need to write a letter to my mom prior to my wedding in

May. She is not invited to the shower and at this point I have not

invited her to the wedding. We have been no contact for several

months and for now it should stay that way.

I am really doing this for myself because there is a lot that needs

to be said (especially after reading understanding the borderline

mother).

Where I am coming from now is this: If she were to really make the

effort to look into BPD and get help for her behavior that I would

have contact with her(she wont even acknowledge it at this point but

I have never discussed it with her, only her useless counselor has

and then dropped it right away.

Reading that book has helped immensely, I have been able to let go a

lot of the anger I have towards her but its still hard to understand

why she can be so awful to her children. Currently she is very

depressed about the fact we are not talking and constantly asks my

sister if I will ever talk to her again. She hasn't tried to call or

email me at all. So if it hurts her that we aren't talking, why isnt

she willing to hear me out and change or at least be aware of her

actions/words?

So I am looking for advice on the best way to inform her about

BPD...without attacking or trying to control her life. I just feel I

have to do this because even though she doesnt deserve it...I still

feel some guilt in not inviting her to my wedding.

March 19, 2008

I agree with the comments below. By sending the letter, you will only engage

her and it will probably lead to a scene at your wedding. If you need to write

the letter, then do so. I would then put it some place you consider safe and

never send it. It can be cathartic to get the words out, but if your intention

is to have your words heard or understood by her, I'm afraid borderline's just

can't. You are probably very used to being feeling guilty or having to fix

things. Sometimes its best just to walk away and let your silence speak.

Sometimes you say more by saying nothing at all.

http://club.live.com/star_shuffle.aspx?icid=starshuffle_wlmailtextlink_jan

March 19, 2008

My worry for you is that the letter will get your mom all reved up right

before your wedding. In my experience, because BPDs lack object constancy,

if i am away my mother seems to forget that I really exist. You might want

to use this to your advantage and sort of " disapear " from her reality until

after your wedding. Otherwise, she might find it and crash it and make an

ugly seen.

>

> My MIL is the BP in my case. I have written a letter, not accusing her a

> of being borderline, but telling her all the behavior I have witnessed, and

> that my husband (her son) and I will not be putting up with it anymore. I

> actually do not regret sending the letter - I needed to tell her what she

> has put us through - FOR ME. I sent it understanding nothing would change,

> it was basically just therapy for me, and highly validating to stop

> pretending that she is normal and that her behavior is invisible - ITS NOT!

>

> I wrote this letter about 2 years after our wedding, where this woman did

> her absolute best all the way to up until 2 hours before our wedding to stop

> my husband from making the " mistake " of marrying me. She spewed hate at her

> son, me, and my family. Finally, when she realized it was really going to

> happen, she threatened to kill herself, and and blamed us for " making her "

> suicidal. We hardly even remember the pleasant parts of our wedding bc of

> the disaster that she was. It was one of the saddest days of my life, and I

> believe the saddest day of my husband's life.

>

> I would highly suggest that, regardless of whether you send your letter,

> you do NOT invite her to your wedding. If she is there, the day will not be

> about you and your spouse. It will be her day - she will make sure of

> that. No matter how low your expectations of her behavior are set, they

> won't be low enough. I guarantee it. Don't invite her. I have yet to read

> a post about a BP that actually behaved at their kid's wedding. It doesn't

> happen!

>

> So send the letter if YOU need to (realizing that it will not change her

> at all, and she will not validate anything you say in it), but I wouldn't

> invite her.

>

> working on a letter to NADA before wedding

>

> Hi Everyone--

>

> So I feel the need to write a letter to my mom prior to my wedding in

> May. She is not invited to the shower and at this point I have not

> invited her to the wedding. We have been no contact for several

> months and for now it should stay that way.

> I am really doing this for myself because there is a lot that needs

> to be said (especially after reading understanding the borderline

> mother).

>

> Where I am coming from now is this: If she were to really make the

> effort to look into BPD and get help for her behavior that I would

> have contact with her(she wont even acknowledge it at this point but

> I have never discussed it with her, only her useless counselor has

> and then dropped it right away.

>

> Reading that book has helped immensely, I have been able to let go a

> lot of the anger I have towards her but its still hard to understand

> why she can be so awful to her children. Currently she is very

> depressed about the fact we are not talking and constantly asks my

> sister if I will ever talk to her again. She hasn't tried to call or

> email me at all. So if it hurts her that we aren't talking, why isnt

> she willing to hear me out and change or at least be aware of her

> actions/words?

>

> So I am looking for advice on the best way to inform her about

> BPD...without attacking or trying to control her life. I just feel I

> have to do this because even though she doesnt deserve it...I still

> feel some guilt in not inviting her to my wedding.

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

> http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

>

March 19, 2008

i second what girlscout says, and after you're married, you and your

husband will suddenly be TEAM YOU, so if you want to confront her

after that, at least you know for sure that you've got someone who is

legally obligated to be in your corner.

> >

> > My MIL is the BP in my case. I have written a letter, not

accusing her a

> > of being borderline, but telling her all the behavior I have

witnessed, and

> > that my husband (her son) and I will not be putting up with it

anymore. I

> > actually do not regret sending the letter - I needed to tell her

what she

> > has put us through - FOR ME. I sent it understanding nothing

would change,

> > it was basically just therapy for me, and highly validating to

stop

> > pretending that she is normal and that her behavior is invisible -

ITS NOT!

> >

> > I wrote this letter about 2 years after our wedding, where this

woman did

> > her absolute best all the way to up until 2 hours before our

wedding to stop

> > my husband from making the " mistake " of marrying me. She spewed

hate at her

> > son, me, and my family. Finally, when she realized it was really

going to

> > happen, she threatened to kill herself, and and blamed us

for " making her "

> > suicidal. We hardly even remember the pleasant parts of our

wedding bc of

> > the disaster that she was. It was one of the saddest days of my

life, and I

> > believe the saddest day of my husband's life.

> >

> > I would highly suggest that, regardless of whether you send your

letter,

> > you do NOT invite her to your wedding. If she is there, the day

will not be

> > about you and your spouse. It will be her day - she will make

sure of

> > that. No matter how low your expectations of her behavior are

set, they

> > won't be low enough. I guarantee it. Don't invite her. I have

yet to read

> > a post about a BP that actually behaved at their kid's wedding.

It doesn't

> > happen!

> >

> > So send the letter if YOU need to (realizing that it will not

change her

> > at all, and she will not validate anything you say in it), but I

wouldn't

> > invite her.

> >

> > working on a letter to NADA before

wedding

> >

> > Hi Everyone--

> >

> > So I feel the need to write a letter to my mom prior to my

wedding in

> > May. She is not invited to the shower and at this point I have not

> > invited her to the wedding. We have been no contact for several

> > months and for now it should stay that way.

> > I am really doing this for myself because there is a lot that

needs

> > to be said (especially after reading understanding the borderline

> > mother).

> >

> > Where I am coming from now is this: If she were to really make the

> > effort to look into BPD and get help for her behavior that I would

> > have contact with her(she wont even acknowledge it at this point

but

> > I have never discussed it with her, only her useless counselor has

> > and then dropped it right away.

> >

> > Reading that book has helped immensely, I have been able to let

go a

> > lot of the anger I have towards her but its still hard to

understand

> > why she can be so awful to her children. Currently she is very

> > depressed about the fact we are not talking and constantly asks my

> > sister if I will ever talk to her again. She hasn't tried to call

or

> > email me at all. So if it hurts her that we aren't talking, why

isnt

> > she willing to hear me out and change or at least be aware of her

> > actions/words?

> >

> > So I am looking for advice on the best way to inform her about

> > BPD...without attacking or trying to control her life. I just

feel I

> > have to do this because even though she doesnt deserve it...I

still

> > feel some guilt in not inviting her to my wedding.

> >

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> > Be a better friend, newshound, and

> > know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

> > http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

> >

March 19, 2008

Yes I initiated the no contact after a very ugly argument. THe thing

that makes it hard for me is that she was at my sisters wedding, just

this past November. Although she had her difficult moments (which I

mainly dealth with) she was amazingly " well-behaved " at the wedding.

She wasnt thrilled with my sister's choice in husband so this was

particularly surprising.

When she first began counseling...it was grief counseling and she

refused to even consider BPD because she was just grieving and

depressed...that was 3 years ago. The counselor is a grief counselor

and therefore has no idea how to approach someone with BPD. If it had

been with a psychotherapist something might have come from it.

I agree that she likely wont take it well, part of me just hopes that

she will at least look it up and it may help someday!

thanks for the support

> >

> > Hi Everyone--

> >

> > So I feel the need to write a letter to my mom prior to my

wedding

> in

> > May. She is not invited to the shower and at this point I have

not

> > invited her to the wedding. We have been no contact for several

> > months and for now it should stay that way.

> > I am really doing this for myself because there is a lot that

needs

> > to be said (especially after reading understanding the borderline

> > mother).

> >

> > Where I am coming from now is this: If she were to really make

the

> > effort to look into BPD and get help for her behavior that I

would

> > have contact with her(she wont even acknowledge it at this point

> but

> > I have never discussed it with her, only her useless counselor

has

> > and then dropped it right away.

> >

> > Reading that book has helped immensely, I have been able to let

go

> a

> > lot of the anger I have towards her but its still hard to

> understand

> > why she can be so awful to her children. Currently she is very

> > depressed about the fact we are not talking and constantly asks

my

> > sister if I will ever talk to her again. She hasn't tried to call

> or

> > email me at all. So if it hurts her that we aren't talking, why

> isnt

> > she willing to hear me out and change or at least be aware of her

> > actions/words?

> >

> > So I am looking for advice on the best way to inform her about

> > BPD...without attacking or trying to control her life. I just

feel

> I

> > have to do this because even though she doesnt deserve it...I

still

> > feel some guilt in not inviting her to my wedding.

> >

>

March 19, 2008

I can definately see her saying I dont have it because she doesn't

meet every characteristic. I guess my motivation for sending the

letter is simply to explain why I am not going to have contact with

her. She already knows the wedding date and I believe location. So

she may just show up since I am only a few hours away. Its created a

lot of tension with my sister and I since they are still talking. She

claims to be very depressed to my sister and her friends because we

arent talking. SO I was just hoping to say " here is why I cannot talk

to you... Here is what would make me comfortable having you in my

life agaiun..... "

thanks for the advice!

>

> mandy, in my own experience and probably hundreds of others here,

it wont work, it will exacerbate the situation and could potentially

harm you. Many psychologists believe it is not in the best interest

for a borderline to be told they are one i am not sure i agree with

that but it certainly is not effective when it comes from us ko's. I

wouldnt even send the book. Borderlines have many similar traits but

they also have very different ones. Borderlines will find the

characteristic that doesnt " belong to them " and refer to that as to

why they arent borderlines. Further, we are not professionals and by

that alone they will deny any association to a borderline diagnosis.

If you stir the pot before your wedding then you are asking for her

to find out why you are stirring the pot and if she is anything like

my nada she will show up at the most inoppurtune time and make a

scene.

> If you are confident in your decision to remain NC than you should.

If you are having second thoughts or feelings of guilt then i would

suggest looking deep into your heart and if you decide that its

important for her to be there than this is not the way to go. Really

look at why you want to contact her is all i am suggesting.

>

> working on a letter to NADA before

wedding

>

> Hi Everyone--

>

> So I feel the need to write a letter to my mom prior to my wedding

in

> May. She is not invited to the shower and at this point I have not

> invited her to the wedding. We have been no contact for several

> months and for now it should stay that way.

> I am really doing this for myself because there is a lot that needs

> to be said (especially after reading understanding the borderline

> mother).

>

> Where I am coming from now is this: If she were to really make the

> effort to look into BPD and get help for her behavior that I would

> have contact with her(she wont even acknowledge it at this point

but

> I have never discussed it with her, only her useless counselor has

> and then dropped it right away.

>

> Reading that book has helped immensely, I have been able to let go

a

> lot of the anger I have towards her but its still hard to

understand

> why she can be so awful to her children. Currently she is very

> depressed about the fact we are not talking and constantly asks my

> sister if I will ever talk to her again. She hasn't tried to call

or

> email me at all. So if it hurts her that we aren't talking, why

isnt

> she willing to hear me out and change or at least be aware of her

> actions/words?

>

> So I am looking for advice on the best way to inform her about

> BPD...without attacking or trying to control her life. I just feel

I

> have to do this because even though she doesnt deserve it...I still

> feel some guilt in not inviting her to my wedding.

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

>

March 19, 2008

its not that easy because I still exist to her. She is " hurt and

depressed " that i wont talk to her and asks my sister often if I will

ever talk to her again.

She managed to be okay at my sister's wedding even though she wasnt

happy with her choice AT ALL. She actually was vey happy for me when

I got engaged. I know that I dont want her at my wedding...not

anymore because she has done nothing but damage me and my

relationship. My fiance is probably the most diploimatic person

you'll ever meet and is nothing but supportive. He has written her a

letter because he is angry but decided not to send it. He is hesitant

to send anything in writing...as am I (obviusly).

I appreciate all the guidance. I am just stuck because I feel the

need to explain my decisions...maybe its not neccessary at all and is

just something that I am so used to doing.

> > >

> > > My MIL is the BP in my case. I have written a letter, not

> accusing her a

> > > of being borderline, but telling her all the behavior I have

> witnessed, and

> > > that my husband (her son) and I will not be putting up with it

> anymore. I

> > > actually do not regret sending the letter - I needed to tell

her

> what she

> > > has put us through - FOR ME. I sent it understanding nothing

> would change,

> > > it was basically just therapy for me, and highly validating to

> stop

> > > pretending that she is normal and that her behavior is

invisible -

> ITS NOT!

> > >

> > > I wrote this letter about 2 years after our wedding, where this

> woman did

> > > her absolute best all the way to up until 2 hours before our

> wedding to stop

> > > my husband from making the " mistake " of marrying me. She

spewed

> hate at her

> > > son, me, and my family. Finally, when she realized it was

really

> going to

> > > happen, she threatened to kill herself, and and blamed us

> for " making her "

> > > suicidal. We hardly even remember the pleasant parts of our

> wedding bc of

> > > the disaster that she was. It was one of the saddest days of

my

> life, and I

> > > believe the saddest day of my husband's life.

> > >

> > > I would highly suggest that, regardless of whether you send

your

> letter,

> > > you do NOT invite her to your wedding. If she is there, the

day

> will not be

> > > about you and your spouse. It will be her day - she will make

> sure of

> > > that. No matter how low your expectations of her behavior are

> set, they

> > > won't be low enough. I guarantee it. Don't invite her. I

have

> yet to read

> > > a post about a BP that actually behaved at their kid's

wedding.

> It doesn't

> > > happen!

> > >

> > > So send the letter if YOU need to (realizing that it will not

> change her

> > > at all, and she will not validate anything you say in it), but

I

> wouldn't

> > > invite her.

> > >

> > > working on a letter to NADA before

> wedding

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone--

> > >

> > > So I feel the need to write a letter to my mom prior to my

> wedding in

> > > May. She is not invited to the shower and at this point I have

not

> > > invited her to the wedding. We have been no contact for several

> > > months and for now it should stay that way.

> > > I am really doing this for myself because there is a lot that

> needs

> > > to be said (especially after reading understanding the

borderline

> > > mother).

> > >

> > > Where I am coming from now is this: If she were to really make

the

> > > effort to look into BPD and get help for her behavior that I

would

> > > have contact with her(she wont even acknowledge it at this

point

> but

> > > I have never discussed it with her, only her useless counselor

has

> > > and then dropped it right away.

> > >

> > > Reading that book has helped immensely, I have been able to let

> go a

> > > lot of the anger I have towards her but its still hard to

> understand

> > > why she can be so awful to her children. Currently she is very

> > > depressed about the fact we are not talking and constantly asks

my

> > > sister if I will ever talk to her again. She hasn't tried to

call

> or

> > > email me at all. So if it hurts her that we aren't talking, why

> isnt

> > > she willing to hear me out and change or at least be aware of

her

> > > actions/words?

> > >

> > > So I am looking for advice on the best way to inform her about

> > > BPD...without attacking or trying to control her life. I just

> feel I

> > > have to do this because even though she doesnt deserve it...I

> still

> > > feel some guilt in not inviting her to my wedding.

> > >

>

______________________________________________________________________

> ______________

> > > Be a better friend, newshound, and

> > > know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

> > > http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

> > >

March 19, 2008

If your nada is depressed then perhaps she gets the point. Only you know how

much you can take of her behavior. If you are sure she would ruin the wedding

for you and you do not want her anywhere near it, a letter is not going to bring

you the closure you seek. If you want to get her help, the first question to ask

her is how much does she value your relationship? If she says she values it then

tell her you need to be very blunt with her and explain why you choose not to

have contact with her. You cannot wait for her to take accountability for her

own actions, because she doesn't believe she has done anything to merit the NC.

Tell her it is likely to hurt her feelings but that if she truely values you as

a daughter that she needs to hear you out and that you need recognition that

your feeling have been hurt and that you need for her to acknowledge that. It

doesn't matter whether or not she thinks you have a right to be hurt, but as a

parent she needs to

be aware that some of her actions cause you a great deal of pain. Write out

three or four specific and clearly BPD instances and read them to her or write

it in the letter. Any more than that is, at this point, over kill. You probably

will be lucky to get past the first one without her going off on you. It may be

asking too much of her, but if it is important that you have your say then this

may be one way of doing it.

You might try constructing the events in a three part format. What she did, what

your reaction to it was and how it made you feel. If she acknowledges that given

the perceptions of a rational person she can see how someone could get their

feelings hurt by what was said or what was done, you might have a chance,

otherwise you cannot fix her and you should drop it until such a time when she

seeks you out for understanding. If you are expecting the light to go off in her

head, it won't. You might as well let go of that right now. She may be incapable

of taking responsibility for hurting your feelings and causing you emotional

distress. I think if you can have a BPD say something along the lines of " I

don't want you to hurt " you have a shot at repairing your relationship. If she

cannot say that, I am not optimistic that a letter would do any good. A letter

would put some distance between the two of you, a phone call would be a step

closer, face to face would

have the most impact.

Your examples should be concrete almost clinical in their description of what

happened and how you saw it. Writing them out would allow you to step back and

look at the event critically. The whole point is, if you confront her either in

a letter or in person, you have to be in total control and not get sucked in

emotionally. The second you do you will take her bait and then she will turn it

back on you. If she really is BPD and not just dysfunctional, then she wants you

in a screaming mess. It gives her power and in her twisted view lets her off the

hook. Don't give in to her.

I had such a conversation with my mother two weeks ago and she used every trick

in the book to turn it back on me but I stayed on point. This is what you did

and this is how it made me feel and I need you to acknowledge that my feeling

were hurt. I want you to at least give me that much. I made her validate that I

had feelings, not whether or not I had a right to feel them. That was beside the

point. I wanted her to acknowledge that I felt, period. For too long I have had

that leash around my neck that dictated to me that I could not feel, that I had

no right to feel.

If someone came up to you and said that their feelings had been hurt, the first

response of a rational caring person is to say, " I am so sorry. I had no idea,

what did I do? " NOT " You stupid bitch, what is your problem? I didn't do

anything to hurt you. "

If you can get her to admit that you are a feeling being and that it is

important to her, you have a shot of getting her into therapy and make sure it

is with someone who knows what BPD is. It is not your place to tell her that she

has BPD, that should come from a professional and only after intense sessions of

behavior recognition. She will not believe it if it comes from you, she might

believe it if it comes from someone she cannot manipulate.

One way you might approach her is to say " You may not realize it but when you do

X ofr Y it really hurts me. I need for you to understand that before we can

resume contact. " You can't control her behavior, but maybe if you can get her to

think about how her behavior affects you, you might get somewhere. If she truely

is BPD, realize that you are asking A LOT of her, and be prepared for nothing to

change from her end.

I hope this helps. It is the way I am choosing to approach my mother. In the

blow up that we had, she actually came out and said " I don't want you to hurt. "

It is the first time I have EVER heard her say that and I do think she meant it.

But I am not going to pin my hopes on it. It is not my problem, if she wants me

in her life she needs to acknowledge that her behavior is causing me damage.

Other wise LC or NC, and she doesn't get to see her grandson. It is leverage and

it she will view it as cruel, but I have to think of how this affects him. Her

feelings in this are secondary.

working on a letter to NADA before wedding

Hi Everyone--

So I feel the need to write a letter to my mom prior to my wedding in

May. She is not invited to the shower and at this point I have not

invited her to the wedding.. We have been no contact for several

months and for now it should stay that way.

I am really doing this for myself because there is a lot that needs

to be said (especially after reading understanding the borderline

mother).

Where I am coming from now is this: If she were to really make the

effort to look into BPD and get help for her behavior that I would

have contact with her(she wont even acknowledge it at this point but

I have never discussed it with her, only her useless counselor has

and then dropped it right away.

Reading that book has helped immensely, I have been able to let go a

lot of the anger I have towards her but its still hard to understand

why she can be so awful to her children. Currently she is very

depressed about the fact we are not talking and constantly asks my

sister if I will ever talk to her again. She hasn't tried to call or

email me at all. So if it hurts her that we aren't talking, why isnt

she willing to hear me out and change or at least be aware of her

actions/words?

So I am looking for advice on the best way to inform her about

BPD...without attacking or trying to control her life. I just feel I

have to do this because even though she doesnt deserve it...I still

feel some guilt in not inviting her to my wedding.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

March 19, 2008

Here is my take on this situation. It is merely my opinion so take it for what

it is worth.