Housing Options and Helping Parents Move (NYT 1/19/11)

[Guest guest]

This short article offers advice on helping parents move. The advice certainly

applies to helping any family member move (not just parents).

" The question for adult caregivers is how to help a parent get past...anxiety

and into a new home. As it turns out, the worst thing caregivers can do is to

deny that the move is a big deal. ... Acknowledging difficult sentiments is

almost always useful. Minimizing emotion tends to backfire. "

A Cleveland Clinic psychologist " urges that adult children avoid take-charge

mode whenever possible, despite the natural urge to get things done. Often

parents already feel that their decision-making rights are dwindling, and

aggressive handling of their affairs can increase their anxiety. "

This article refers to two additional resources:

* " Housing Options for Older Adults, " a booklet published by the National

Association of Area Agencies on Aging. The options include living in a home,

rental a home, living in a group setting, and living in a nursing home. See:

http://n4a.org/pdf/HousingOptions_Booklet.pdf

* a NYT article from late 2010 that discussed hiring a " senior move manager " to

help parents move. See:

http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/12/30/when-moving-seems-impossible/

Robin

http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/01/19/more-on-moving/

Caring and Coping: The New Old Age

More on Moving

By Stabiner

The New York Times

January 19, 2011, 3:42 PM

A middle-aged son and his mother — she in her late 80s, eager for life but tired

of driving and cooking and feeling isolated — find a sun-drenched studio unit in

a beautiful, service-laden independent- and assisted-living facility. They're

both thrilled and relieved, until a couple of weeks before move-in day, at which

point the mother suddenly balks.

She doesn't want to move. She so adamantly doesn't want to move that she stays

in her old apartment for a month after the new lease is signed, visiting her

eventual home for the occasional meal, taking her time.

When she finally does move in, she embraces the new place with all of her

initial enthusiasm, leaving her son to wonder: What was that hesitation all

about?

According to Bea, a staff psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic, it was an

utterly normal response to change. " That sort of hesitation is very common, " he

said in an e-mail. " It represents what psychologists refer to as the

`approach-avoidance conflict.' As human beings approach a situation that

generates anxiety, the anxiety increases the closer they get to the actual

event. From a distance, it sounds like a good idea. When the event arrives,

folks have all sorts of ways of avoiding. "

Anyone who has ever canceled a dental appointment at the last moment will

recognize the phenomenon. In Mr. Bea's experience, " as older adults face the

enactment of a significant change in their style of living, they commonly balk

at the 11th hour. "

The question for adult caregivers is how to help a parent get past that anxiety

and into a new home. As it turns out, the worst thing caregivers can do is to

deny that the move is a big deal.

" Acknowledging that parents might have second thoughts in the last moments

before a change might help them recognize this very human trait and help them

move through it rather than avoiding it, " said Mr. Bea. " Acknowledging difficult

sentiments is almost always useful. Minimizing emotion tends to backfire. "

What to do? Mr. Bea encourages caregivers to keep possessions that mean a lot to

their parents, even if it requires hanging on to more than will fit in the new

place and arranging for temporary storage until a parent has time to get

acclimated.

Stuff matters, as it turns out, but only the really important stuff. Mr. Bea

suggests sorting things " based on need, emotional attachment and sentimental

value. " Offering to hold on to some items for a moving parent may ease the

feeling that the move is erasing the past. And caregivers should be prepared to

defer to a parent's preferences in deciding what matters, in terms of both the

space itself and decisions about what to put in it. The candy dish that's

yard-sale material in one family, or in one generation, might be a powerful

memento in another.

Mr. Bea also urges that adult children avoid take-charge mode whenever possible,

despite the natural urge to get things done. Often parents already feel that

their decision-making rights are dwindling, and aggressive handling of their

affairs can increase their anxiety.

" They may already be experiencing a great loss of control at this point in their

life, " he said. " In the end, the caretaking child might have the final say in

critical decisions. In noncritical matters, let the parent have a significant

voice. " Adult children may have to take the lead in financial judgments,

insurance matters and living arrangements, for example, but parents should

always " be allowed to make decisions that are consistent with their current

intellectual and emotional capacities. "

That includes figuring out what daily life is going to be like once they've made

the move. Mr. Bea advises adult children to encourage their parents' involvement

from the start — and simultaneously to brace for the process to take a while.

" Encourage new behaviors with low expectations, " he said. " Lofty expectations

can lead to great frustration, if the parents are resistant. Require a lot,

expect very little. "

For readers who are just beginning the process of moving a parent and have the

time to devise a thoughtful approach, the National Association of Area Agencies

on Aging offers a comprehensive booklet on easing the transition (PDF).