Re: I love you Mommy!

[Guest guest]

Oh, darlin'...

It is completely normal for a child to want to please

the parent. Very very very normal.

The difference between what we KO's experienced and

what your son is doing is this: KO's didn't just want

to please the parent...we HAD to. Their happiness and

our safety was dependent upon it. It wasnt just a

want, it was a necessity. Your son, he WANTS to

please mommy because he is a normal, happy little boy

who loves his mommy.

I think to a certain extent it is " normal " or healthy

to want to appease someone whom we have displeased.

The unhealthy level comes when we do it at expense to

self...when we subjugate self because we believe it to

be unimportant. Why would we want someone upset with

us?? I mean, half the problem with my mother is that

when she hurts someone or upsets them...she feels

completely justified in doing so and doesn't feel any

need to apologize or make reparations!

Children want to please their parents and

caregivers...it's what makes discipline and guidance

possible. And yep, he will grow out of it...right

around the time he hits puberty... :-)

...

> I love you Mommy!

>

> I need some advice for those of you with children

> and anyone else who

> can view this from the perspective of a child.

> Reading many of the

> posts has put me in a reflective mood and I need to

> know whether or not

> I am handling something correctly with my son.

> One of the common themes on this board is a need to

> " Please the parent "

> and never being able to. I have noticed that

> whenever my son is

> chastized for his behavior he runs to me and has to

> hug and kiss me and

> tell me he loves me before he can calm down. I

> always hug him back and

> tell him that I love him but not what he did or how

> he acted. My worry

> is that he will become ingrained to always want to

> apease anyone who

> becomes displeased with him. I want him to be able

> to stand up for

> himself when he is right and not be manipulated by

> someone who doesn't

> have his best interests at heart. I don't dare speak

> with my mother

> about this as it will give her an opening to tell me

> that I am a bad

> mother and I have had enough of that. I may be over

> worrying about this

> and he will out grow this behavior, I just don't

> want to warp him the

> way I was warped. I never could stand the fact that

> someone was

> displeased with me even when it wasn't justified. No

> one else would

> understand why this is a concern for me, other than

> the people on this

> board. Any thoughts?

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

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> Community and author SWOE and the SWOE

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[Guest guest]

Your willingness to examine your relationship with your son means

that he is lucky to have you as a mom. I think everything you

described is normal. My heart aches for you because I understand the

pain of wanting to be the best mother you can be (because you love

this litle person so much and because you understand the damage a

mother can do when she is wrapped up in herself), but you don't know

what *normal* looks like so it feels like a shot in the dark

sometimes. I am guessing that all mothers (well, maybe not ALL

mothers) worry about doing the right thing, whether they were raised

by BPDs or not. But I can confirm that being raised by a BPD makes

the job of being a mother very scary--I search for the *right* things

to do by watching trusted friends, relying on my husband, and reading

parenting books. I might post some questions here, too. In my

clearest moments, I find that I truly believe

the children's singer/superstar Raffi when he sings (about

children) " All I really need is a song in my heart, food in my belly,

and love in my family . . . so I can grow up strong and take my place

where I belong. " As long as our children grow up knowing in the core

of their being that their mothers loved them with their whole heart

and did the best to make a good life for them, they will be okay.

>

> I need some advice for those of you with children and anyone else

who

> can view this from the perspective of a child. Reading many of the

> posts has put me in a reflective mood and I need to know whether or

not

> I am handling something correctly with my son.

> One of the common themes on this board is a need to " Please the

parent "

> and never being able to. I have noticed that whenever my son is

> chastized for his behavior he runs to me and has to hug and kiss me

and

> tell me he loves me before he can calm down. I always hug him back

and

> tell him that I love him but not what he did or how he acted. My

worry

> is that he will become ingrained to always want to apease anyone

who

> becomes displeased with him. I want him to be able to stand up for

> himself when he is right and not be manipulated by someone who

doesn't

> have his best interests at heart. I don't dare speak with my mother

> about this as it will give her an opening to tell me that I am a

bad

> mother and I have had enough of that. I may be over worrying about

this

> and he will out grow this behavior, I just don't want to warp him

the

> way I was warped. I never could stand the fact that someone was

> displeased with me even when it wasn't justified. No one else would

> understand why this is a concern for me, other than the people on

this

> board. Any thoughts?

>