Re: Nursing Home to Assisted Living and Regretted it

[Guest guest]

Hi Toni,

There's nothing to feel guilty or creepy about. The conflict you are

experiencing is one I've seen in many caregivers. It's also one I experienced

when my wife had a stroke and I had to cancel a workshop I looked forward for a

year to attend. Fortunately she recovered completely, but the guilt I felt for

even thinking about going lasted for a while. Actually a wrote an article about

it for another blog, but it will appear within the next few weeks on my own

website stangoldbergwriter.com

But let's talk about what you can do to help him feel more comfortable in

whatever setting you choose. I've seen great units in both types of facilities.

I found with Alzheimer's and other dementia patients that spatial transitions

can be made easier if those things most important in the old setting are

transferred to the new one. A favorite picture, a trophy, anything that your

father focuses on in the setting he is in now should be transferred to the new

setting. Also, you can start " planting " objects and sounds in the old setting

that will be moved to the new one. If there are favorite songs he listens to, be

sure to have them available when he moves. Hope this helps.

Take care,

Stan

> Has anyone placed a parent/spouse in a nursing home and they did so well there

that they moved them to an assisted living facility and later regretted the

move?

>

> I placed my father in the memory care unit of a very nice nursing home (great

staff) in late November after a month long downhill LBD episode - his third

" episode " within the year. Before the third episode, he had been doing fairly

well for six months. Dad has done exceptionally well in the nursing home after

about the first two weeks. He did have a " confusion " reaction to an antibiotic

and Flomax. He did fall and require 8 stitches right above his good eye (blind

in other eye from fall during another episode.) The other day, he told me that

one of the nurses told him he did not belong there. I mentioned this to the

social worker and she scheduled a multi-disciplinary group to meet with me on

Wednesday.

>

> In the past year, my father has been in two hospitals and this is the third

nursing home. After each of the first two hospital/nursing home stays, I brought

him home to live with us. I have reached my limit on what I am willing to do at

this point. The last episode did me in.

>

> Even though he is doing so much better at the nursing home, I still feel like

it is the best solution when I look at both his needs and my needs. I quit work

when he came to live with us and was just offered a job back in my old

department and I want to go back to work and my old life.

>

> Right now he would probably be OK in an assisted living facility with a memory

care unit. Probably is a big word. In my experience with him, he gets very

confused in new places and I anticipate he will get confused. When he gets

confused, he falls. I feel that when he does " have problems " , they would be too

severe for assisted living and that he will be asked to leave. I would again be

in the position of handling a crisis. He'd be moved again and more confusion.

>

> I feel selfish when I think of leaving him in the nursing home but I can't

ignore my own feelings and needs. Dad thinks there is nothing wrong with him and

that I should help him find an apartment where he can live alone. I am so alone

in this decision (only child with widowed and friendless father who was never

very fatherly.)

>

> Honestly, the way I feel right now, if my father isn't in the protective care

of the nursing home, I would want to resign from being the power of attorney.

I'd like to just run away.

>

> Has anyone had the nursing home/assisted living quandry. How did things work

out? Any advice?

>

> Toni (feeling creepy and ashamed of all of these feelings)

>

>

[Guest guest]

Toni,

First of all, your feelings are --your feelings. It's OK, and it's normal. (No,

I'm not a psychologist or anything like that!) I've felt that way too.

Second, what about the option of an assisted living with increasing levels of

care? My dad is in a great assisted living facility. We were lucky enough to get

him in there when he could still be pretty independent, and the staff got to

know him as a person. As his needs increased,  so did the level of care. (So

did

the expense, of course.) Now he's also receiving hospice care, without having to

move.

I've been appalled at stories like Imogene's of loved ones being " asked to

leave " a facility. At my dad's place, I think someone could be asked to go for

serious reasons, but luckily my dad has always been peaceful and calm and

respectful.

Anyway, would a residence with increasing levels of care be an option for you

and your dad?

Ellen in OH

Daughter of Ray, 83, late in the LBD journey

________________________________

To: LBDcaregivers

Sent: Fri, March 25, 2011 6:38:35 PM

Subject: Nursing Home to Assisted Living and Regretted it

 

Has anyone placed a parent/spouse in a nursing home and they did so well there

that they moved them to an assisted living facility and later regretted the

move?

I placed my father in the memory care unit of a very nice nursing home (great

staff) in late November after a month long downhill LBD episode - his third

" episode " within the year. Before the third episode, he had been doing fairly

well for six months. Dad has done exceptionally well in the nursing home after

about the first two weeks. He did have a " confusion " reaction to an antibiotic

and Flomax. He did fall and require 8 stitches right above his good eye (blind

in other eye from fall during another episode.) The other day, he told me that

one of the nurses told him he did not belong there. I mentioned this to the

social worker and she scheduled a multi-disciplinary group to meet with me on

Wednesday.

In the past year, my father has been in two hospitals and this is the third

nursing home. After each of the first two hospital/nursing home stays, I brought

him home to live with us. I have reached my limit on what I am willing to do at

this point. The last episode did me in.

Even though he is doing so much better at the nursing home, I still feel like it

is the best solution when I look at both his needs and my needs. I quit work

when he came to live with us and was just offered a job back in my old

department and I want to go back to work and my old life.

Right now he would probably be OK in an assisted living facility with a memory

care unit. Probably is a big word. In my experience with him, he gets very

confused in new places and I anticipate he will get confused. When he gets

confused, he falls. I feel that when he does " have problems " , they would be too

severe for assisted living and that he will be asked to leave. I would again be

in the position of handling a crisis. He'd be moved again and more confusion.

I feel selfish when I think of leaving him in the nursing home but I can't

ignore my own feelings and needs. Dad thinks there is nothing wrong with him and

that I should help him find an apartment where he can live alone. I am so alone

in this decision (only child with widowed and friendless father who was never

very fatherly.)

Honestly, the way I feel right now, if my father isn't in the protective care of

the nursing home, I would want to resign from being the power of attorney. I'd

like to just run away.

Has anyone had the nursing home/assisted living quandry. How did things work

out? Any advice?

Toni (feeling creepy and ashamed of all of these feelings)

[Guest guest]

Ellen,Thank you for the response. I am not aware of any place like that near

here. I've seen assisted living places that have memory care beds but not

associated with full dementia care facilities. I wonder where you live in Ohio.

My father was at Maison Aine in Stow, Ohio before I moved him down here to be

with us in Virginia. It was just that type of place. A hundred times, I wish I

had left my father there. They warned me that he would need 24/7 care but he

convinced me then that he was OK. I thought that perhaps they were just over

medicating him. I will discuss this with the social worker at the nursing home

if they advise me that he should not be at the nursing home. I live in Northern

Virginia near Washington DC. The population is much younger here and they do

not have as many facilities for elders that they seem to in that area of Ohio.

Toni

>

> Toni,

> First of all, your feelings are --your feelings. It's OK, and it's normal.

(No,

> I'm not a psychologist or anything like that!) I've felt that way too.

>

> Second, what about the option of an assisted living with increasing levels of

> care? My dad is in a great assisted living facility. We were lucky enough to

get

> him in there when he could still be pretty independent, and the staff got to

> know him as a person. As his needs increased,  so did the level of care. (So

did

> the expense, of course.) Now he's also receiving hospice care, without having

to

> move.

>

> I've been appalled at stories like Imogene's of loved ones being " asked to

> leave " a facility. At my dad's place, I think someone could be asked to go for

> serious reasons, but luckily my dad has always been peaceful and calm and

> respectful.

> Anyway, would a residence with increasing levels of care be an option for you

> and your dad?

> Ellen in OH

> Daughter of Ray, 83, late in the LBD journey

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: LBDcaregivers

> Sent: Fri, March 25, 2011 6:38:35 PM

> Subject: Nursing Home to Assisted Living and Regretted it

>

>  

> Has anyone placed a parent/spouse in a nursing home and they did so well there

> that they moved them to an assisted living facility and later regretted the

> move?

>

> I placed my father in the memory care unit of a very nice nursing home (great

> staff) in late November after a month long downhill LBD episode - his third

> " episode " within the year. Before the third episode, he had been doing fairly

> well for six months. Dad has done exceptionally well in the nursing home after

> about the first two weeks. He did have a " confusion " reaction to an antibiotic

> and Flomax. He did fall and require 8 stitches right above his good eye (blind

> in other eye from fall during another episode.) The other day, he told me that

> one of the nurses told him he did not belong there. I mentioned this to the

> social worker and she scheduled a multi-disciplinary group to meet with me on

> Wednesday.

>

> In the past year, my father has been in two hospitals and this is the third

> nursing home. After each of the first two hospital/nursing home stays, I

brought

> him home to live with us. I have reached my limit on what I am willing to do

at

> this point. The last episode did me in.

>

>

> Even though he is doing so much better at the nursing home, I still feel like

it

> is the best solution when I look at both his needs and my needs. I quit work

> when he came to live with us and was just offered a job back in my old

> department and I want to go back to work and my old life.

>

>

> Right now he would probably be OK in an assisted living facility with a memory

> care unit. Probably is a big word. In my experience with him, he gets very

> confused in new places and I anticipate he will get confused. When he gets

> confused, he falls. I feel that when he does " have problems " , they would be

too

> severe for assisted living and that he will be asked to leave. I would again

be

> in the position of handling a crisis. He'd be moved again and more confusion.

>

>

> I feel selfish when I think of leaving him in the nursing home but I can't

> ignore my own feelings and needs. Dad thinks there is nothing wrong with him

and

> that I should help him find an apartment where he can live alone. I am so

alone

> in this decision (only child with widowed and friendless father who was never

> very fatherly.)

>

> Honestly, the way I feel right now, if my father isn't in the protective care

of

> the nursing home, I would want to resign from being the power of attorney. I'd

> like to just run away.

>

> Has anyone had the nursing home/assisted living quandry. How did things work

> out? Any advice?

>

>

> Toni (feeling creepy and ashamed of all of these feelings)

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Toni,

I haven't put my husband from Nursing Home to Assisted Living in a Memory Care

Unit, but I have put him in Assisted Living Memory Care Unit and took respite

every year and left him there each year for a week when he was living at home,

so I could go on vacation and he had experience in an Assisted Living Facility

every year.

The people with Alzheimers scared him, because they would roam into his room.

Jim was not a roamer. At the time he did ok, but if they didn't watch him, he

would strip off his clothes and go out into the hall where visitors were. And

they couldn't watch him every minute. I put  him into a nursing home as he

progressed into the disease. They won't take them at a certain point in Assisted

Living and I didn't want to put him in Assisted Living and have to move him

later. It is hard when they acclimate to one place and then have to move them to

another.

I can hear your frustrations. You have to weigh what is best for you also, but

you will have to move your dad back to a nursing home at some point and start

all over again. I liked my husband in a nursing home, because he was susceptible

to UTIs a lot and there are no doctors at Assisted Living. It was nice when I

didn't have to take him to the doctor constantly and the doctor came to him and

made the prescription.

I think all our Loved Ones ask to leave and go home when in a nursing home, they

don't understand that they are difficult to care for. It's hard, but you have to

ignore their requests to go home and direct them into an activity or

conversation away from that thought.

I would just go into another thought and act like I forgot to tell him about

something before I forget and then it would get him off the subject of going

home and he would forget to go back to that conversation. I had to play mind

games with him, but it worked and he didn't suffer nor did I for leaving him in

the nursing home. I did take  him for rides and out in the beginning, so he

did't feel trapped there, but he began to get more confused on rides in the car

and attempted to open the car door while I was driving, so that ended our

outings.

One thing is, you should never feel guilty for your actions. You are doing the

best you can and you have to take care of your own health too. You know your dad

can not take care of himself now, he may not know, but you know. I am sorry to

say this, but your dad is now like a two year old and you would not leave a two

year old to do as they please, but you would have some kind of limits, so they

don't hurt themselves and you wouldn't feel guilty for keeping them safe and

that  is what you have to do now for your father

Also, I liken it to a child going to school for the first time as Kindergarten,

and crying to go home, but the parent generally says good-bye and lets them know

they will return. You just need to reassure them you will return.

I hope you can be at ease with your decisions and not let it frustrate you so

much, it is for the well-being of your father.

Jan Colello

San Francisco Bay Area, California

Husband, Jim, dx w/LBD Oct. 2003

Deceased, January 22, 2011 After about 15

years of progression. Parkinsonism started earlier.

________________________________

 

Has anyone placed a parent/spouse in a nursing home and they did so well there

that they moved them to an assisted living facility and later regretted the

move?

I placed my father in the memory care unit of a very nice nursing home (great

staff) in late November after a month long downhill LBD episode - his third

" episode " within the year. Before the third episode, he had been doing fairly

well for six months. Dad has done exceptionally well in the nursing home after

about the first two weeks. He did have a " confusion " reaction to an antibiotic

and Flomax. He did fall and require 8 stitches right above his good eye (blind

in other eye from fall during another episode.) The other day, he told me that

one of the nurses told him he did not belong there. I mentioned this to the

social worker and she scheduled a multi-disciplinary group to meet with me on

Wednesday.

In the past year, my father has been in two hospitals and this is the third

nursing home. After each of the first two hospital/nursing home stays, I brought

him home to live with us. I have reached my limit on what I am willing to do at

this point. The last episode did me in.

Even though he is doing so much better at the nursing home, I still feel like it

is the best solution when I look at both his needs and my needs. I quit work

when he came to live with us and was just offered a job back in my old

department and I want to go back to work and my old life.

Right now he would probably be OK in an assisted living facility with a memory

care unit. Probably is a big word. In my experience with him, he gets very

confused in new places and I anticipate he will get confused. When he gets

confused, he falls. I feel that when he does " have problems " , they would be too

severe for assisted living and that he will be asked to leave. I would again be

in the position of handling a crisis. He'd be moved again and more confusion.

I feel selfish when I think of leaving him in the nursing home but I can't

ignore my own feelings and needs. Dad thinks there is nothing wrong with him and

that I should help him find an apartment where he can live alone. I am so alone

in this decision (only child with widowed and friendless father who was never

very fatherly.)

Honestly, the way I feel right now, if my father isn't in the protective care of

the nursing home, I would want to resign from being the power of attorney. I'd

like to just run away.

Has anyone had the nursing home/assisted living quandry. How did things work

out? Any advice?

Toni (feeling creepy and ashamed of all of these feelings)