How to stay low contact and not feel bad?

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I'm pretty new here. My question is, how do I stay low contact and

not feel bad?

I've been LC with my nada and dad for 4 years. I.e. once a month

phone call. Visits of about 2 days about once per year. We live

about 4 hour plane flight apart.

I haven't seen them at Christmas for the last 4-5 years. (This is

following on from the Christmas before that when there was a bit of

a blow up by nada.)

This year, mum's started up with how about I spend Christmas at

their place this year. I was considering going for a few days.

Also because I rarely see my sisters and I would like to maintain

contact with them. My partner won't go visit them because he can't

stand nada.

Now dad has started up with the " why don't you plan a visit in

winter so you can get a tan? You can get cheap flights " . (I live

in Australia so it's a few months until winter.)

I'm just feeling pressured, especially at " having " to now visit them

twice this year. Also, my sisters are now planning on visiting me

during the year, so it's not like I need to go visit mum and dad at

all now.

I've been reading posts and it reminds me what it's like and why I

don't want to go visit them. But then on the phone yesterday mum

was pretty well-behaved and pretty nice, and it just makes me think

that I'm over-reacting and a visit wouldn't be such a big deal. I

don't really want to go. I just feel guilty when dad keeps asking,

and I have no idea how nada will react if I go only once let along

not at all. I am worried she will try to cause problems between my

sisters and I.

They have just turned 26 yo and I worry that they are enmeshed and

not capable of acting on their own behalf to keep our relationship

going. And I fail to act to do anything to keep our relationship

going. Having said that, they seem to be doing pretty well for

themselves organising to visit me later in the year! :-)

I don't know, it's just tough at the moment, and I'm feeling a bit

down. I'm sure I'll feel better and sort it out later.

I would appreciate your thoughts though.

Thanks for listening.

[Guest guest]

p_bear16, you wrote: " My question is, how do I stay low contact and

not feel bad? "

It starts in your own mind. You have to give yourself permission to

live your own life, and not let other peoples' attempts at emotional

blackmail rob you of that God-given right. You were born with that

right -- the right to live your own life, make your own decisions

(kindly and politely, of course! I'm not advocating going around

being rude or confrontational to people.), and, here's the tricky

part, EXPECTING THEM TO RESPECT YOUR DECISIONS AND IF THEY DON'T,

YOU HAVE TO KEEP GOING AND NOT CONCERN YOURSELF WITH LIVING A LIFE

BY APPROVAL COMMITTEE.

Figure out who you are, what you want, what your heart yearns for

and go out and construct that life. You're not here to be someone

else's security or their sole focus. Yes, even your mom.

She's " well behaved and nice " because she's set a goal of getting

you there. Don't fool yourself into thinking she's had a total

personality change.

Don't do things because you feel pressured. When you dad calls,

tell him politely, " I'll think about it, dad. Thanks. " And leave

it at that. Sit with it a few days and your " insides " will tell you

what you REALLY want to do.

If your parents are pressuring you, it is a red flag. Sounds like

they want you by their side for THEIR purposes, not yours.

You have the right to your own life, and it sounds like you see them

just the right amount of time.

Your other option is to give in to the " pressure " and see how it

goes. Pay attention to how you feel. Sometimes a bad visit teaches

us just as much as a good one. You might feel your parents changing

for the better, or you could realize " They're no different. " All of

that information is good for you to experience and learn, too.

But I HATE feeling pressured. If your " gut " is telling you two

visits are too much, then, my dear, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO.

If the visits are so unpleasant that your own husband won't go, and

you remember them when you read the posts here, then YOU HAVE THE

RIGHT TO SAY NO, THANKS.

I don't know where these parents get the idea that cramming everyone

into the same space with a BPD nada suddenly makes

everyone " close " . Somehow, they sense that it looks bad when their

children don't want to come " visit " , so they start ramping up the

pressure to get us back. I think they fear it exposes that they

aren't that great to visit in the first place -- so they desperately

try and get you there to chase that fear away. Again, serving THEM,

not you.

If the time there is unpleasant, then don't go. (Your own partner

doesn't want to go!) As I said, it starts in your mind. You have to

give yourself the right to say no. We don't have to voluntarily

endure unpleasant visits with ANYONE. You only " feel bad " because

they've taught you that you have this obligation to present yourself

to them when they dictate you should. You don't. Therefore, you

don't have to " feel bad " serving a myth of their making.

Write letters, send pictures, etc. You don't have to go visit them

more than you can tolerate. If they want you to come more often,

then nada will have to change her behavior. A natural consequence

of her behavior is that people shy away and don't want to come

back. Just natural consequences -- and you don't have to save her

and your dad from the consequences of their own actions.

You're an adult -- you have the right to take care of yourself now.

An adult makes choices based on what's best for her and those she

loves (and who care for and respect her), and doesn't " feel bad "

because the other person is displeased. In your mind, you have to

let that go.

-Kyla

>

> Hi all,

>

> I'm pretty new here. My question is, how do I stay low contact

and

> not feel bad?

> I've been LC with my nada and dad for 4 years. I.e. once a month

> phone call. Visits of about 2 days about once per year. We live

> about 4 hour plane flight apart.

> I haven't seen them at Christmas for the last 4-5 years. (This is

> following on from the Christmas before that when there was a bit

of

> a blow up by nada.)

>

> This year, mum's started up with how about I spend Christmas at

> their place this year. I was considering going for a few days.

> Also because I rarely see my sisters and I would like to maintain

> contact with them. My partner won't go visit them because he

can't

> stand nada.

>

> Now dad has started up with the " why don't you plan a visit in

> winter so you can get a tan? You can get cheap flights " . (I

live

> in Australia so it's a few months until winter.)

>

> I'm just feeling pressured, especially at " having " to now visit

them

> twice this year. Also, my sisters are now planning on visiting me

> during the year, so it's not like I need to go visit mum and dad

at

> all now.

> I've been reading posts and it reminds me what it's like and why I

> don't want to go visit them. But then on the phone yesterday mum

> was pretty well-behaved and pretty nice, and it just makes me

think

> that I'm over-reacting and a visit wouldn't be such a big deal. I

> don't really want to go. I just feel guilty when dad keeps

asking,

> and I have no idea how nada will react if I go only once let along

> not at all. I am worried she will try to cause problems between

my

> sisters and I.

>

> They have just turned 26 yo and I worry that they are enmeshed and

> not capable of acting on their own behalf to keep our relationship

> going. And I fail to act to do anything to keep our relationship

> going. Having said that, they seem to be doing pretty well for

> themselves organising to visit me later in the year! :-)

>

> I don't know, it's just tough at the moment, and I'm feeling a bit

> down. I'm sure I'll feel better and sort it out later.

>

> I would appreciate your thoughts though.

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

[Guest guest]

Guilt is their only resource to control you. Through reading and talking to

people from healthier families, I've realized that someone who loves you

wants you to be happy and won't try to guilt you into doing what they want.

Just keep reading the books. I think I'm on number 11 now, and I need to buy

more.

>

> Hi all,

>

> I'm pretty new here. My question is, how do I stay low contact and

> not feel bad?

> I've been LC with my nada and dad for 4 years. I.e. once a month

> phone call. Visits of about 2 days about once per year. We live

> about 4 hour plane flight apart.

> I haven't seen them at Christmas for the last 4-5 years. (This is

> following on from the Christmas before that when there was a bit of

> a blow up by nada.)

>

> This year, mum's started up with how about I spend Christmas at

> their place this year. I was considering going for a few days.

> Also because I rarely see my sisters and I would like to maintain

> contact with them. My partner won't go visit them because he can't

> stand nada.

>

> Now dad has started up with the " why don't you plan a visit in

> winter so you can get a tan? You can get cheap flights " . (I live

> in Australia so it's a few months until winter.)

>

> I'm just feeling pressured, especially at " having " to now visit them

> twice this year. Also, my sisters are now planning on visiting me

> during the year, so it's not like I need to go visit mum and dad at

> all now.

> I've been reading posts and it reminds me what it's like and why I

> don't want to go visit them. But then on the phone yesterday mum

> was pretty well-behaved and pretty nice, and it just makes me think

> that I'm over-reacting and a visit wouldn't be such a big deal. I

> don't really want to go. I just feel guilty when dad keeps asking,

> and I have no idea how nada will react if I go only once let along

> not at all. I am worried she will try to cause problems between my

> sisters and I.

>

> They have just turned 26 yo and I worry that they are enmeshed and

> not capable of acting on their own behalf to keep our relationship

> going. And I fail to act to do anything to keep our relationship

> going. Having said that, they seem to be doing pretty well for

> themselves organising to visit me later in the year! :-)

>

> I don't know, it's just tough at the moment, and I'm feeling a bit

> down. I'm sure I'll feel better and sort it out later.

>

> I would appreciate your thoughts though.

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

>

>

>