Gatekeepers and nightmares

[Guest guest]

I agree - don't wait - start talking to friends and family now. It is

uncomfortable at first, after being constantly watchdogged by a BP mother, but

it is so liberating and really starts breaking the holds they have on you. I

recently went to a family funeral by myself - I usually would have gone with my

nada. Being able to speak openly to my relatives was amazing. It was a sad

event, but it was also such an important turning point for me. I have so many

regrets about not doing this with my father. My nada kept me from him and got

in the way whenever we would spend time together. Now he is gone. Lesson - do

not wait.

Tag

Re: Gatekeepers and nightmares

My mom was always interfering with any potential close relationship of

mine. Yes especially true with my Dad I was very rarely given any

alone time with him and any time the phone rang it was both my dad and

mom on the line. She would do this with my 2 best friends too. I'd

come home from college and she would hide the phone, lock the door and

state that " you will have no contact with anyone until you spend 2

hours with me first. " She is sooooooo insecure and paranoid. She

stole my relationship with my paternal grandmother as she would always

show up when I would visit ( gramma lived 800 miles away and we saw

her 2 weeks every other year) and believe me I never had a moment

alone. Even when they moved out there for summers and I visited she

would follow me. I finally started saying I'm going for a bike ride

and I would ride to Grammas (as an adult ) and hide my bike and have

breakfast with her and tea at night, My Dad finally left mom 2 years

ago I am 45 years old and he moved out to Mich. to be with his family

she had disallowed him from seeing and sadly my Gramma passed away a

year later. This last visit to Mich without my mom was so relaxing

and different and also filled with such saddness that my gramma was

not here for me to visit and talk to openly without always looking

over my shoulder. Don't wait folks set the boundaries be clear and

spend time with your healthy relatives now without the BPD God knows

we all need some nurturing and unconditional love but be ready to feel

uncomfortable with it it takes some getting use to. My dad and I are

now talking weekly he is re-married to a great woman and we are

learning to navigate our relationship. Thanks for being here

Sue Bee

-- In WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com, " writermanque "

<writermanque@ ...> wrote:

>

> It used to really make my mom mad if I called home from college and

> she wasn't home and dad and I would have a conversation anyway. She'd

> call me immediately when she got back so I could reiterate everything

> that I'd just told dad. She'd make me tell the same things all over

> again. And she'd always make sure that her conversation would last

> just a bit longer than my conversation with dad. I remember once that

> I wasn't home when she called to get her share of the conversation, so

> she left a message saying something like " I heard you called, just

> wanted to catch up with you " and asked for me to call her back. I

> didn't, figuring that I had just spoken with dad and having gotten all

> the info I needed. She called the next day in tears that I hadn't

> called her back. Argggghhhhhh. ...

>

>

> >

> > I've really enjoyed this thread and the notion of gatekeepers in

> general. My nada is so ruled by her own 'attention is a zero sum'

> reality that I was never even allowed to have relationships with my

> own stepfathers. No father/ daughter dates, no car trips (alone) to

> piano lessons or church, we couldn't even watch tv together or my nada

> would feel excluded and hurt. She'd walk into the room, see the two

> of us on the couch and her transparent train of thought would

> be " They're doing this activity by themselves, without me, they must

> not love me or want me to hang out with them so I'm going to yell at

> them and force them to do chores to prove they love me since I'm the

> only one who ever does anything around here anyway... " etc.

>

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[Guest guest]

about your Nada trying to turn you against your dad and now it is too

late. I am in the same boat. My mother always intervened with me and

my dad and today I do not have a relationship with my dad. What would

you do if your dad allows your mom to do these things and stands up to

her no matter what? I have tried talking to my dad, he just changes

the subject on me or blames me as well.