Re: what issues are people working through?

March 23, 2008

Hi sarita,

Yes all of these things are very prevelant in my life and i am working

on these with a therapists. I found that none of the ideas for self

calming/hypervigilance worked until I felt truely validated about my

situation and the abuse. Once I really believed I was a victim of

abuse and was validated including all my feelings about this and all

my learned strategies including the dysfunctional ones that worked

well as a child but not so good in the adult world, then I found these

new ideas and strategies workable without triggering me. By the way

initially the only validation came from my therapist. He was the only

one I felt safe with this information and the only place I could be

honest. I am slowly sharing with 1 friend and my husband.

I highly recommend reading and this forum information is power. Keep

keeping on. I also recently have been seeing a nurse who specializes

in PTSD and she gave me some wonderful guided imagery tapes with

positive affirmations and emdr clicking with bilateral sound and these

are really working when I find I am super hypervigilant.

Namaste Suebee

>

> I just wondered if mine were typical, or what other people are

> dealing with. I've only just discovered BPD and have been in therapy

> for two weeks. I'm currently reading SBP, with UBM next on the

> list. Here is what my therapist tells me I need to work on:

> (1) Hypervigilance (i.e. always in a state of heightened anxiety)

> which he says is because of learning at an early age that the world

> is an unsafe and unpredictable place.

> (2) Low self-esteem due to 'projection' of all the BPD parent's bad

> qualities onto myself and having believed most of them for 40 plus

> years despite all evidence to the contrary.

> (3) Inability to trust my own judgement about people or perceptions

> about situations (i.e. allowing myself to be taken advantage of in

> relationships because I always question my ability to properly

> evaluate what is fair and not fair).

> Are others working with similar issues? How do you try to overcome

> them? My therapist has recommended meditation for issue #1 (which

> I've tried but without much luck!) and for the other two, for now he

> recommends continuing to read, learn, and understand. Which I'm

> doing.

> Would love to hear the experiences of others.

>

March 23, 2008

I don't have a therapist so I don't know for sure but I am very in

tune with number 3. I waffle back and forth so much it isn't even

funny. I can never make a definite decision about anything and if

there is a gray area involved I will practically drown in it. Thanks

for posting that.

I think dealing with a BPD father and a mother with narcissist

traits I learned some very innappropriate reactions to behavior. I

guess they are called 'fleas'. What I want most of all is to learn

ways of relating to people that are not 'rescuing' behaviors; those

seem to take up most of my arsenal of human interactions and they

end up harming me in the end; I played emotional nurse-maid to my

mother so much that that is my default position to relate from in

life and it ends up that most people don't respect that and are

suspicious of it. I would like more self-esteem and to be a more

confident person. What I want most of all is a good job, to act like

a normal person (i.e. not 'rescuing' my co-workers and being all

codependent) so I can maintain that job without it causing me utter

and complete misery 24 hours a day, like jobs always seem to do for

me (I don't know how to remain detached and mellow at a job because

my home was always filled with emotionally exhausting drama in which

everyone was forced to participate, you'd be implicated in some way

if you did not so you might as well pick a position). So I guess I

want to drop the destructive 'fleas' that I have picked up in my

crazy childhood, maintain a job that pays a living wage, and buy a

house. And stay there. And buy furniture (I have a phobia of owning

my own furniture for some reason). It's like I am so afraid of

having a real, livable, permanent residence because I'm afraid my

childhood will repeat itself. I want a home of my own.

March 23, 2008

Yes, all those are true for sure. Now that my mom has bpd, I can also feel

deserving of a decent life. My parents raised me to believe that I owed them

my life - very much like the Cinderella story - and they expected me to take

care of them instead of vice versa. I've been working on putting that aside

and seeing myself as equally deserving as other people. I've also been

trying to recover memories of my mother and I " ve figured out a few. One of

the most potent is of her slamming the lid of the piano on my hands when I

was about 4 (I loved music but she stopped me from practicing often enough

that I didn't excel).

I am not in individual therapy right now because I haven't yet found a

BPD-familiar therapist in my area.

>

> Hi sarita,

> Yes all of these things are very prevelant in my life and i am working

> on these with a therapists. I found that none of the ideas for self

> calming/hypervigilance worked until I felt truely validated about my

> situation and the abuse. Once I really believed I was a victim of

> abuse and was validated including all my feelings about this and all

> my learned strategies including the dysfunctional ones that worked

> well as a child but not so good in the adult world, then I found these

> new ideas and strategies workable without triggering me. By the way

> initially the only validation came from my therapist. He was the only

> one I felt safe with this information and the only place I could be

> honest. I am slowly sharing with 1 friend and my husband.

> I highly recommend reading and this forum information is power. Keep

> keeping on. I also recently have been seeing a nurse who specializes

> in PTSD and she gave me some wonderful guided imagery tapes with

> positive affirmations and emdr clicking with bilateral sound and these

> are really working when I find I am super hypervigilant.

> Namaste Suebee

>

> >

> > I just wondered if mine were typical, or what other people are

> > dealing with. I've only just discovered BPD and have been in therapy

> > for two weeks. I'm currently reading SBP, with UBM next on the

> > list. Here is what my therapist tells me I need to work on:

> > (1) Hypervigilance (i.e. always in a state of heightened anxiety)

> > which he says is because of learning at an early age that the world

> > is an unsafe and unpredictable place.

> > (2) Low self-esteem due to 'projection' of all the BPD parent's bad

> > qualities onto myself and having believed most of them for 40 plus

> > years despite all evidence to the contrary.

> > (3) Inability to trust my own judgement about people or perceptions

> > about situations (i.e. allowing myself to be taken advantage of in

> > relationships because I always question my ability to properly

> > evaluate what is fair and not fair).

> > Are others working with similar issues? How do you try to overcome

> > them? My therapist has recommended meditation for issue #1 (which

> > I've tried but without much luck!) and for the other two, for now he

> > recommends continuing to read, learn, and understand. Which I'm

> > doing.

> > Would love to hear the experiences of others.

> >

>

March 23, 2008

okay, rescuing behavior. i have a theory that might not be correct

since i am not ACTUALLY a boy. there is a lot of tension between a

lot of siblings on this board and i wonder if it's not directly

related to this rescuing behavior being instilled in children of both

sexes, but in different ways.

i was definitely put in positions where i had to " rescue " my mom, but

these were situations where i was a child standing up to adults. it

was very strange. if someone hurt mom's feelings, i was expected to

be her attack dog. jeez, it was very strange. this started when i

was 12, and i actually succeeded in holding my own against grown

adults using sarcasm and shock-value statements (at 12, i was aware

of altogether too much). i was not put in the nurturer role, but i

was definitely expected to protect. i think this is probably why i

identify so readily with males. it ALSO seems to help preserve a

sense of self. if you can protect other people, in public, AGAINST

ADULTS, no less, you're probably going to make the leap eventually

that you can/should be protecting yourself.

now, with this sudden paradigm shift, you start to look at the people

around you differently. i saw my little sister as " going along " with

mom because she chose to be around mom and make excuses for her. now

i'm starting to see this differently. it used to be that mom was

just a topic we stayed away from. now i realize that my sister is

incredibly conflicted about witnessing so many acts of violence from

mom that were perpetrated against me WHILE mom is treating HER like

it's not happening. CRAZY!

this brings me to a series of points i'll be attempting to make:

being a protector is a great ego-boost. this is probably why lots of

sons don't mind being enmeshed. it's a position of power, plain and

simple. when you're the protector, it's a very strange position

where your mom actually listens to you in some situations (ie " I WILL

NOT SAVE YOUR ASS NEXT TIME, LADY! " ). also, you seem to get respect

from her because you're doing what she apparently cannot do for

herself. ALSO, you seem to make up some lost ground with the parent

because you're doing this seemingly good thing even though they treat

you like crap (although this generally only lasts a short time).

BUT IF A PROTECTOR MANAGES TO GET OUT OF IT and turn on the mom, it

almost makes sense to me that the protector would also turn on the

siblings that SEEM to be upholding the status quo. the former

protector sees the mom (who could not protect herself) as a

manipulator, so maybe this former-protector also sees their siblings

in the same light. since they do not see the ways the other siblings

were manipulated into creating their roles, they dismiss the siblings

as the same as the parents and rebel against them as well. they also

might not understand the ways in which the other siblings try to

fight against the parent.

BUT HERE'S THE BIG PROBLEM! if you try to talk to a protector

sibling about this whole crazy mom business and they don't know about

bpd, it's possible that they think you might be trying to manipulate

them in the ways the parent once manipulated them to be protectors.

alright, does any of this make any sense at all? i am just very

troubled by the fact that these parents succeed in destroying

relationships between siblings. i think that is bad bad bad.

bink

>

> I don't have a therapist so I don't know for sure but I am very in

> tune with number 3. I waffle back and forth so much it isn't even

> funny. I can never make a definite decision about anything and if

> there is a gray area involved I will practically drown in it.

Thanks

> for posting that.

>

> I think dealing with a BPD father and a mother with narcissist

> traits I learned some very innappropriate reactions to behavior. I

> guess they are called 'fleas'. What I want most of all is to learn

> ways of relating to people that are not 'rescuing' behaviors; those

> seem to take up most of my arsenal of human interactions and they

> end up harming me in the end; I played emotional nurse-maid to my

> mother so much that that is my default position to relate from in

> life and it ends up that most people don't respect that and are

> suspicious of it. I would like more self-esteem and to be a more

> confident person. What I want most of all is a good job, to act

like

> a normal person (i.e. not 'rescuing' my co-workers and being all

> codependent) so I can maintain that job without it causing me utter

> and complete misery 24 hours a day, like jobs always seem to do for

> me (I don't know how to remain detached and mellow at a job because

> my home was always filled with emotionally exhausting drama in

which

> everyone was forced to participate, you'd be implicated in some way

> if you did not so you might as well pick a position). So I guess I

> want to drop the destructive 'fleas' that I have picked up in my

> crazy childhood, maintain a job that pays a living wage, and buy a

> house. And stay there. And buy furniture (I have a phobia of owning

> my own furniture for some reason). It's like I am so afraid of

> having a real, livable, permanent residence because I'm afraid my

> childhood will repeat itself. I want a home of my own.

>

March 23, 2008

Hi Mayalisa, I know exactly what you mean about replaying our family

roles in our jobs. I used to have a job like that. Everyone was

dysfunctional and you had to take sides or be implicated in some

way! I was trapped in it for years because of being a single parent,

but I was determined to get out of it, and eventually I did. It

wasn't easy, it took me years and years of working full time and

going to school part time, and I had to make huge sacrifices along

the way, including making myself and my three children (the youngest

was a baby at the time) homeless. But I now have a job I really

love, and guess what, it pays more, and I finally have that other

thing you want -- a home of my own. The thing is, that you have to

start somewhere. Imagine if you didn't come from a dysfunctional

family background. Imagine if you just landed on planet earth today

with no history. Figure out where you want to be, and then figure

out how to get there from where you are now. So what if it takes 10

years? The 10 years is going to go by anyway. It may be scary, but

isn't it more scary to imagine yourself 10 years from now with

nothing changed? Keep your career goals realistic and based on your

natural talents and interests. The financial stability and home will

follow once you get the career thing going. You say you're not in

therapy, you should consider it if it's a possiblity for you because

a therapist can probably help you set realistic goals and break them

down into manageable steps. Also the therapist can help you identify

how your BPD-influenced childhood is effectively sabotaging you from

getting the life you should have, and once it's identified, you can

change it!

It would be great if you put up another post in a few days letting us

know that you have taken that first step!

Sarita