Re: Please read -- Advice Needed.

April 26, 2000

:

I am very sorry for your situation.

I don't think it will be wise to take to the funeral (if he does pass

away).

Maybe you can explain her with a lot of love that her grandfather went to

the

heaven to be with God, where he is resting in peace, without having to take

her

to the funeral where she will live all the sadness these situations involve.

Maybe it will be very tough for her being there.

I hope this will be of help, and that your father recovers.

Friends in charge,

Viviana

Paraguay, South America

Mom to Agostina 2yrs and Ximena 6mths charge

Kis escribió:

> Hi Everybody:

> I desparately need advice. is 8 1/2 years old. She is very

> close with my father with has been in hospital since Friday with a

> 50/50 chance of surviving. This is not an easy time for anyone but,

> there is a question my husband and I must find an answer too.

> has been coming to visit her grandfather with us daily and

> understands that he is very sick. How do I explain to her if he

> doesn't make it that he has passed away. Do I bring her to the

> funeral? Will she understand? Or will I be doing the wrong thing in

> bring her? My dad and have a very special bond and I really

> don't know how to handle this situation. Any advice anybody can give

> me would be very helpful.

> Thank You

> Kis

>

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April 26, 2000

Hi , My daughter is also 8 1/2. When she was 3 we had a baby

we thought we were going to adopt but the social workers decided to

place with a relative at 6mos. was very bonded to the baby

and did'nt understand what happened to her. Her expressive language

was 18 mo. level at the time. If I had it to do all over again I

would have shown her what was happening better. After the baby was

gone she kept trying to get me to go get her and I couldn't express

in language where the baby was. I think your daughter needs to know

as best you can express it so that she isn't confused later.

momto 12 8ys.

> Hi Everybody:

> I desparately need advice. is 8 1/2 years old. She is very

> close with my father with has been in hospital since Friday with a

> 50/50 chance of surviving. This is not an easy time for anyone

but,

> there is a question my husband and I must find an answer too.

> has been coming to visit her grandfather with us daily and

> understands that he is very sick. How do I explain to her if he

> doesn't make it that he has passed away. Do I bring her to the

> funeral? Will she understand? Or will I be doing the wrong thing

in

> bring her? My dad and have a very special bond and I really

> don't know how to handle this situation. Any advice anybody can

give

> me would be very helpful.

> Thank You

> Kis

April 27, 2000

Hi ,

I read Tim's reply to you - Wow - so nicely worded. I too feel that it is

important to involve children as much as they WANT to be involved. It is

true that children are often ignored during these times and that could cause

negative feelings about death. Involving them in a natural way, their way,

is important to avoid any issues of guilt, even for how they choose to

handle it. Both of our children wanted to attend the funeral for their

great-grandpa (Deda) and because the great grandchildren were extremely

important to him, they all sat together in a special spot in the funeral

home, they all contributed pictures to a picture tribute (memorial) card and

a flower arrangement was made from all of them together. had visited

Deda many times before in the hospital and we had gone over the language she

would need to understand, and tried to answer all of her questions. When I

asked her she said she wanted to come and be with us. Certainly though, if

they had not wanted to attend the funeral, it would not be a problem at all.

It is important that they feel comfortable with the issue and their decision

or it can become a negative situation. Now their grandfather too just had a

stroke (about 3 weeks ago) and is in the hospital. goes in to visit

and holds his hand and tries to encourage him. It brings tears to his eyes,

but her support is amazing.

Our thoughts and wishes are with you too at this time. Your decision is the

right one - one that takes into account your family, your family situation,

's understanding and 's decision.

Our love ,

The Rittgasser Family

Ontario, Canada

Re: Please read -- Advice Needed.

,

Death is a problem for all of us, and children are as aware of it as we

are. As a psychologist my advice to people in general is to involve

children in the mourning process, but recognizing that they may deal with it

in their own way. If she seems to want to go to the funeral, then take

her. She needs a chance to say goodbye. Children are also very sensitive

to our own feelings. She will know that something is wrong with you, and by

participating she will have a better understanding of what it was all

about. If she makes it clear she does not want to go to the funeral, then

you certainly would not want to force her or push the issue. But sometimes

children are ignored after a death. When my two children died 8 years ago,

I had to force myself to spend time with my surviving three children to

help them deal with their grief too. Believe me, this is not easy when you

are caught up in your own. But there are rewards as well, when you are able

to provide appropriate comfort to each other. We don't want to lean on our

kids, but we want to acknowledge their loss as well as our own.

Kind of a disorganized answer, but I hope it makes sense.

Tim Hartshorne, father of and a bunch of others

Kis wrote: