Re: Did anyone else grow up under a food dictatorship?

[Guest guest]

Just about everything nada 'made' was pre-packaged, frozen, heat and

eat type stuff. She loved Stouffer's frozen stuff. She would take it

out of the little containers they came in and cook it in her own pans

and pass it off as her cooking. She loved those specialty, 'gourmet'

markets where you could buy the prepared foods/meals. Kinda like Whole

Foods does but this crap was NOT Whole. (ugh, she went through a

stuffed pork chop phase and we must have had that three times a week,

gag) All she had to do was take it home and over-heat it. Everything

was overcooked and loaded with sugar, salt and fat.

Kindest regards,

Mercy

>

> I've always had issues about food and nada.

[Guest guest]

I do not remember so much about food issues, I was lucky that my

mother cooked healthy and good food--only downside was that we

continuously had to be explicitly very very VERY grateful for this.

So that we felt that in fact we deserved to starve but in her endless

goodness she provided us with the best possible food.

BUT I do have food issues with her now. If I go to my parents for

dinner, and I am relieved that things have remained quiet and there

have been no major embarrassments or aggressions--then the moment of

the " food distribution " comes and I feel the tension rising. Maybe I

sound ungrateful in what I am about to say, but I think the members

in this forum will know better and understand differently. She always

wants to give me food, abundantly, as if I am not able to do any

shopping myself, and as if I have four more people to feed. Is this

recognizable to any of you? She begins to get more and more angry,

begins to insult me, feels seriously rejected when I say no to her

food. It's one of the issues where she completely disregards my

needs, fills them in for me. And then the paying of the food becomes

the next hurdle to take: I insist on paying, because I don't want

to " cost " her, I have enough money of myself to pay for my own food.

But also that seems sometimes to be an equivalent of attempted

murder, complete rejection-- and sometimes it's totally the opposite:

she's mad at me when I don't spontaneously ask her how much it is,

then she goes like: " and you think this is all so evident, and you

have no idea how difficult everything is for me a.s.o. " Then usually

my father, who is terribly cheap and always around when food and

money are discussed, makes some stupid remark and she gets a

screaming fit or scratches him or pulls his hair or whines and makes

me say " yes indeed you have a very difficult life and an impossible

evil husband and you are a saint. "

Is it a control issue ? Or is it a fear of abandonment and rejection-

-which triggers in my mother always the hateful, the aggressive, the

manipulative, the cruel. ?

And on days when I couldn't handle it well, and my boundaries were

crossed, I feel physical aversion of the food, and it usually lies in

the fridge till it's rotten, and I throw it away with even more

aversion. It would be good if I could change something in these food

negotiations--if nothing else good food gets lost and that's a shame

in itself.

How should I deal with this? Any thoughts?

Thanks

Katrina

[Guest guest]

LOL,...I just remembered this. She still does it. Back when we were

LC just recently she signed me up for her favorite catalog : Home

Bistro. This was after I told her I was on a gluten free diet.

Mercy

> >

> > I've always had issues about food and nada.

>

[Guest guest]

I think that what will happen as time goes on and you keep posting

here is that you will turn the telescope around because it's like

you are looking through the wrong end...I do this too but because of

this group and for which I am grateful, I do it less and less, .i.e

I have all the samples of the behavior (the big end of the

telescope) and I look through to the little end and I see, way down

at the end, oh yeah, that's right, this person is a borderline

personality disorder. And more and more now I look through the

little end of the telecope first, the lens that says, this person is

a borderline personality disorder, and that explains *all* the big

stuff I am seeing at the other end of the telescope. When I look at

it all through the bpd lens, I have less of an emotional reaction to

everything, so it helps me if that acknowledgement of the bpd stuff

precedes everything. I can sense your frustration with her and it

really tugs at my heartstrings, you don't have the right answer of

how to respond because sadly there is no answer, whatever you rack

your brains trying to say or do to make her happy will never be

enough, because she has some vast unmet need inside she wants

someone to fulfill. The only way it would ever get fixed is for her

to get mental help and we all know what the likelihood of that is.

I guess what I am saying above was a substitute for saying your mom

is just plain nuts. I really feel for you, it must be incredibly

painful to always have to deal with inconsistency and outrageous

behavior. You should be proud of who you are and that you have come

through it so well. Of course you don't want the food you don't

need, of course you want to pay for what is given to you, and of

course you are confused that sometimes she is insulted by the offer

of money and other times she expects it. Mind games are

exasperating, and she is doing that crazy bpd stuff on your dad too,

right in front of you, which must be awful to watch as well. It's

amazing how one mentally ill person can hold an entire family in

their thrall. Many hugs to you, I swear I do not know what I would

do in this instance except maybe find a homeless shelter or other

organization like this to donate the food too and then gladly take

all donations she gives you for the greater good. Hugs.

[Guest guest]

.... And thank you , Mayalisa, for this other convincing metaphor of the

telescope--As a " literature person " I LOVE metaphors. I will keep that

one in mind for sure; and I indeed can imagine it can take some of the

empathy-guilt affect away. Katrina

>

> I think that what will happen as time goes on and you keep posting

> here is that you will turn the telescope around because it's like

> you are looking through the wrong end...I do this too but because of

> this group and for which I am grateful, I do it less and less, .i.e

> I have all the samples of the behavior (the big end of the

> telescope) and I look through to the little end and I see, way down

> at the end, oh yeah, that's right, this person is a borderline

> personality disorder. And more and more now I look through the

> little end of the telecope first, the lens that says, this person is

> a borderline personality disorder, and that explains *all* the big

> stuff I am seeing at the other end of the telescope. When I look at

> it all through the bpd lens, I have less of an emotional reaction to

> everything, so it helps me if that acknowledgement of the bpd stuff

> precedes everything. I can sense your frustration with her and it

> really tugs at my heartstrings, you don't have the right answer of

> how to respond because sadly there is no answer, whatever you rack

> your brains trying to say or do to make her happy will never be

> enough, because she has some vast unmet need inside she wants

> someone to fulfill. The only way it would ever get fixed is for her

> to get mental help and we all know what the likelihood of that is.

>

> I guess what I am saying above was a substitute for saying your mom

> is just plain nuts. I really feel for you, it must be incredibly

> painful to always have to deal with inconsistency and outrageous

> behavior. You should be proud of who you are and that you have come

> through it so well. Of course you don't want the food you don't

> need, of course you want to pay for what is given to you, and of

> course you are confused that sometimes she is insulted by the offer

> of money and other times she expects it. Mind games are

> exasperating, and she is doing that crazy bpd stuff on your dad too,

> right in front of you, which must be awful to watch as well. It's

> amazing how one mentally ill person can hold an entire family in

> their thrall. Many hugs to you, I swear I do not know what I would

> do in this instance except maybe find a homeless shelter or other

> organization like this to donate the food too and then gladly take

> all donations she gives you for the greater good. Hugs.

>

[Guest guest]

My own mother has a tendancy to over cook everything and she is a good cook..

Whenever I cook for her she never says anything positive about it or thanks me

for my effort. I am an excellent cook and I offer to cook for her on the

weekends. Every time I offer she is very unenthusiastic. I do my best to stay

within her diet restrictions and fix interesting meals, but she would rather

over cook her food and eat that. When my son and I leave, she makes sure that

she packs up every bit of food I have bought for her and she sends it back with

us. It seems like such a small thing but it is very irritating. And God help us

if we don't just fall out with gratitude for her over cooked meals. I am about

to give up cooking for her. I'd rather take her snide remarks about always

having to feed us and complaining that she always has to be on her feet. It

takes less effort on my part. Passive agressive to the max.

Re: Did anyone else grow up under a food

dictatorship?

I do not remember so much about food issues, I was lucky that my

mother cooked healthy and good food--only downside was that we

continuously had to be explicitly very very VERY grateful for this.

So that we felt that in fact we deserved to starve but in her endless

goodness she provided us with the best possible food.

BUT I do have food issues with her now. If I go to my parents for

dinner, and I am relieved that things have remained quiet and there

have been no major embarrassments or aggressions- -then the moment of

the " food distribution " comes and I feel the tension rising. Maybe I

sound ungrateful in what I am about to say, but I think the members

in this forum will know better and understand differently. She always

wants to give me food, abundantly, as if I am not able to do any

shopping myself, and as if I have four more people to feed. Is this

recognizable to any of you? She begins to get more and more angry,

begins to insult me, feels seriously rejected when I say no to her

food. It's one of the issues where she completely disregards my

needs, fills them in for me. And then the paying of the food becomes

the next hurdle to take: I insist on paying, because I don't want

to " cost " her, I have enough money of myself to pay for my own food.

But also that seems sometimes to be an equivalent of attempted

murder, complete rejection-- and sometimes it's totally the opposite:

she's mad at me when I don't spontaneously ask her how much it is,

then she goes like: " and you think this is all so evident, and you

have no idea how difficult everything is for me a.s.o. " Then usually

my father, who is terribly cheap and always around when food and

money are discussed, makes some stupid remark and she gets a

screaming fit or scratches him or pulls his hair or whines and makes

me say " yes indeed you have a very difficult life and an impossible

evil husband and you are a saint. "

Is it a control issue ? Or is it a fear of abandonment and rejection-

-which triggers in my mother always the hateful, the aggressive, the

manipulative, the cruel. ?

And on days when I couldn't handle it well, and my boundaries were

crossed, I feel physical aversion of the food, and it usually lies in

the fridge till it's rotten, and I throw it away with even more

aversion. It would be good if I could change something in these food

negotiations- -if nothing else good food gets lost and that's a shame

in itself.

How should I deal with this? Any thoughts?

Thanks

Katrina

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

[Guest guest]

Ya, , my mom is really critical of other's cooking too. I haven't

cooked for her in years, but when I was a kid she had my grandma teach me to

cook so I could do it for her, I believe now. I started cooking for my

family when I was very young. By the time she got a job when I was in jr

high, I would cook for her when she got home from work late at night. She

would always pick through what I made her, picking out any bits of onion,

pepper or garlic and carefully, deliberately, sufferingly set it to the side

of her plate.

>

> My own mother has a tendancy to over cook everything and she is a good

> cook.. Whenever I cook for her she never says anything positive about it or

> thanks me for my effort. I am an excellent cook and I offer to cook for her

> on the weekends. Every time I offer she is very unenthusiastic. I do my best

> to stay within her diet restrictions and fix interesting meals, but she

> would rather over cook her food and eat that. When my son and I leave, she

> makes sure that she packs up every bit of food I have bought for her and she

> sends it back with us. It seems like such a small thing but it is very

> irritating. And God help us if we don't just fall out with gratitude for her

> over cooked meals. I am about to give up cooking for her. I'd rather take

> her snide remarks about always having to feed us and complaining that she

> always has to be on her feet. It takes less effort on my part. Passive

> agressive to the max.

>

>

>

> Re: Did anyone else grow up under a food

> dictatorship?

>

> I do not remember so much about food issues, I was lucky that my

> mother cooked healthy and good food--only downside was that we

> continuously had to be explicitly very very VERY grateful for this.

> So that we felt that in fact we deserved to starve but in her endless

> goodness she provided us with the best possible food.

> BUT I do have food issues with her now. If I go to my parents for

> dinner, and I am relieved that things have remained quiet and there

> have been no major embarrassments or aggressions- -then the moment of

> the " food distribution " comes and I feel the tension rising. Maybe I

> sound ungrateful in what I am about to say, but I think the members

> in this forum will know better and understand differently. She always

> wants to give me food, abundantly, as if I am not able to do any

> shopping myself, and as if I have four more people to feed. Is this

> recognizable to any of you? She begins to get more and more angry,

> begins to insult me, feels seriously rejected when I say no to her

> food. It's one of the issues where she completely disregards my

> needs, fills them in for me. And then the paying of the food becomes

> the next hurdle to take: I insist on paying, because I don't want

> to " cost " her, I have enough money of myself to pay for my own food.

> But also that seems sometimes to be an equivalent of attempted

> murder, complete rejection-- and sometimes it's totally the opposite:

> she's mad at me when I don't spontaneously ask her how much it is,

> then she goes like: " and you think this is all so evident, and you

> have no idea how difficult everything is for me a.s.o. " Then usually

> my father, who is terribly cheap and always around when food and

> money are discussed, makes some stupid remark and she gets a

> screaming fit or scratches him or pulls his hair or whines and makes

> me say " yes indeed you have a very difficult life and an impossible

> evil husband and you are a saint. "

> Is it a control issue ? Or is it a fear of abandonment and rejection-

> -which triggers in my mother always the hateful, the aggressive, the

> manipulative, the cruel. ?

> And on days when I couldn't handle it well, and my boundaries were

> crossed, I feel physical aversion of the food, and it usually lies in

> the fridge till it's rotten, and I throw it away with even more

> aversion. It would be good if I could change something in these food

> negotiations- -if nothing else good food gets lost and that's a shame

> in itself.

> How should I deal with this? Any thoughts?

> Thanks

> Katrina

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

>

[Guest guest]

I am not a great cook at all and it makes me often nervous and makes

me feel incompetent. I also had to take over cooking from my mother--

who as I mentioned is a good cook-- at a young age, now I know, too

young, whenever she became depressive. When she sometimes did appear

in the living room where we sat at the table, I tried to make her eat

something, or I'd bring it to her bed. I was continually SO worried

about her. She'd give me an empty look and often just threw all the

food into the garbage, without a word...

Actually, one of my good intentions for 2008 is to learn to be a

better cook and try out new recipes...

I call it a day (00.48 here), have a good day and (later) sweet

dreams to you all and no plumbing tonight

> >

> > My own mother has a tendancy to over cook everything and she is a

good

> > cook.. Whenever I cook for her she never says anything positive

about it or

> > thanks me for my effort. I am an excellent cook and I offer to

cook for her

> > on the weekends. Every time I offer she is very unenthusiastic. I

do my best

> > to stay within her diet restrictions and fix interesting meals,

but she

> > would rather over cook her food and eat that. When my son and I

leave, she

> > makes sure that she packs up every bit of food I have bought for

her and she

> > sends it back with us. It seems like such a small thing but it is

very

> > irritating. And God help us if we don't just fall out with

gratitude for her

> > over cooked meals. I am about to give up cooking for her. I'd

rather take

> > her snide remarks about always having to feed us and complaining

that she

> > always has to be on her feet. It takes less effort on my part.

Passive

> > agressive to the max.

> >

> >

> >

> > Re: Did anyone else grow up under a

food

> > dictatorship?

> >

> > I do not remember so much about food issues, I was lucky that my

> > mother cooked healthy and good food--only downside was that we

> > continuously had to be explicitly very very VERY grateful for

this.

> > So that we felt that in fact we deserved to starve but in her

endless

> > goodness she provided us with the best possible food.

> > BUT I do have food issues with her now. If I go to my parents for

> > dinner, and I am relieved that things have remained quiet and

there

> > have been no major embarrassments or aggressions- -then the

moment of

> > the " food distribution " comes and I feel the tension rising.

Maybe I

> > sound ungrateful in what I am about to say, but I think the

members

> > in this forum will know better and understand differently. She

always

> > wants to give me food, abundantly, as if I am not able to do any

> > shopping myself, and as if I have four more people to feed. Is

this

> > recognizable to any of you? She begins to get more and more angry,

> > begins to insult me, feels seriously rejected when I say no to her

> > food. It's one of the issues where she completely disregards my

> > needs, fills them in for me. And then the paying of the food

becomes

> > the next hurdle to take: I insist on paying, because I don't want

> > to " cost " her, I have enough money of myself to pay for my own

food.

> > But also that seems sometimes to be an equivalent of attempted

> > murder, complete rejection-- and sometimes it's totally the

opposite:

> > she's mad at me when I don't spontaneously ask her how much it is,

> > then she goes like: " and you think this is all so evident, and you

> > have no idea how difficult everything is for me a.s.o. " Then

usually

> > my father, who is terribly cheap and always around when food and

> > money are discussed, makes some stupid remark and she gets a

> > screaming fit or scratches him or pulls his hair or whines and

makes

> > me say " yes indeed you have a very difficult life and an

impossible

> > evil husband and you are a saint. "

> > Is it a control issue ? Or is it a fear of abandonment and

rejection-

> > -which triggers in my mother always the hateful, the aggressive,

the

> > manipulative, the cruel. ?

> > And on days when I couldn't handle it well, and my boundaries were

> > crossed, I feel physical aversion of the food, and it usually

lies in

> > the fridge till it's rotten, and I throw it away with even more

> > aversion. It would be good if I could change something in these

food

> > negotiations- -if nothing else good food gets lost and that's a

shame

> > in itself.

> > How should I deal with this? Any thoughts?

> > Thanks

> > Katrina

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> > Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> > http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

food is one thing my mom does right. she's a great cook and

experimented with all kinds of ethnic foods and ingredients. i am a

very picky eater (omnivorous), so i the limiting factor on what types

of food i would eat. my two little sisters are vegetarian, so we

always had a lot of vegetables (yum! i love veggies!) and she did

take requests.

the only thing she would do with food is when she would make something

that i didn't want to eat, i'd say, " i don't want to eat that, " and

she said, " what are you talking about? you've ALWAYS liked this! "

but...i HADN'T always liked it. in fact...i had NEVER liked it...

bink

>

> I've always had issues about food and nada. The ones I was aware of as

> of yesterday include nada ignoring, then denying, my anorexia at age

> 13, being forced to overeat/clean my plate, being given too much sugar

> and white flour, and not learning anything about nutrition until I was

> obese at age 24 and my mother-in-law gave me a nutrition book.

>

> After a seemingly innocent email to nada yesterday, I realized yet

> another issue. Nada only provided us with food she liked, regardless of

> what fada or any of the rest of us had to say. I never sampled some of

> my favorite foods until after age 20. Some of these include foods such

> as tofu, soy, spinach, avocado, artichoke, cauliflower, as well as

> ethnic foods including Japanese, Thai, Brazilian, Jamaican, and Indian.

> I never put two and two together until I sent her an email mentioning a

> guacamole recipe thet combined peas or soybeans with avocado for a

> lower-fat dish. The reply? " Ewwww, I hate avacaodo. Yuck! " What is she,

> 3 years old? And how unfair that just because she disliked the food

> that I never got to try it! Just needed to vent and I'm curious to see

> if anyone else has run into that.

>

[Guest guest]

Food Dictatorship is an understatement for my family. My nada was

OBSESSED with every aspect of food. She spent hours writing shopping

lists; planning meals (nothing that ever deserved the time she spent

on thinking about and buying it); unloading the car; reciting how

much she paid for every stinking thing; guarding the food - yep there

were 5 kids and 2 packages of cookies for the week. To this day all

of us are scared to death to be the one to finish anything. That

earned you rotten comments to anyone passing by about what a pig you

were for eating all of the cookies; pretzels; apples. etc. She

counted every morsel and monitored everyone totally.

I remember one time the entire family went to a beach resort for the

weekend. Of course, we had to bring our own food. As the oldest, I

was married by then and my husband and I brought his two young

nephews. Nada had baked -from a mix- a basic yellow cake with

chocolate frosting. Sometime during the afternoon the two nephews

each cut themselves a piece. Food was not monitored in their

household. When some of us came back to the beach house frm swimming,

we were literally frozen in place when we saw that the cake had been

cut into. I remember that even thought I was a married woman, I knew

I would catch the most verbal abuse because it was my husband's

family. Of course that's exactly what happened. In fact nada told

that story for the next 20 years to anyone who would listen. She

never realized how ridiculous she sounded!

For all of us 3 girls the food monitoring was outrageous. I tended

toward the heavier side, so I was put on my first " diet " the summer I

was 7. It became a ritual to diet and starve all summer and slowly

put it on throughout the school year. I was never allowed to eat

anything like b-day cake and ice cream when I went to a friend's

party. She actually called their mother and told them not to feed

me. My 2 younger sisters literally starved themselves all through

high school. Of course, then nada would cry to me about what could

she two with these two skinny girls who wouldn't eat. I wans't much

help to her because I wasn't eating either but by then my body was

ruined from obsessive dieting so I too was actually atarving!

As grown ups, I'm ALWAYS joining the newest weight loss plan and

gaining and losing 40+ lbs every year. I'm sure I've gained and lost

4,000 lbs total. My next sis is an obsessive exerciser who not only

monitors what she what but what everyone else eats too. When my

daughter was little she refused to eat with Auntie because, " she

checks on what I eat too much and it makes me nervous to eat at

all! " ; finally my youngest sis has turned into a fast food junkie -

starvation person. We are all clueless about nutrition even though it

has literally consumed our lives. Even my two brothers - one is huge

ane the other is an exercise/body building freak!

Because it was most important for nada to let all of us know that she

controlled her appetite better than small children did, she never

hesitated to announce at dinner that she wouldn't be eating that

night, if she ate lunch out because she was still too full!

GAG!! no I never did but it wasn't because she didn't try to make me.

I would be happy to never think about food again in this lifetime.

Funny I hosted every family holiday for 35 years until I said one

year I'm all done. Holidays and food are the worst. AS you all can

probably tell this is a very horrible topic for me even vent about

but I guess it's good to do that now and then.

>

> I've always had issues about food and nada. The ones I was aware of

as

> of yesterday include nada ignoring, then denying, my anorexia at

age

> 13, being forced to overeat/clean my plate, being given too much

sugar

> and white flour, and not learning anything about nutrition until I

was

> obese at age 24 and my mother-in-law gave me a nutrition book.

>

> After a seemingly innocent email to nada yesterday, I realized yet

> another issue. Nada only provided us with food she liked,

regardless of

> what fada or any of the rest of us had to say. I never sampled some

of

> my favorite foods until after age 20. Some of these include foods

such

> as tofu, soy, spinach, avocado, artichoke, cauliflower, as well as

> ethnic foods including Japanese, Thai, Brazilian, Jamaican, and

Indian.

> I never put two and two together until I sent her an email

mentioning a

> guacamole recipe thet combined peas or soybeans with avocado for a

> lower-fat dish. The reply? " Ewwww, I hate avacaodo. Yuck! " What is

she,

> 3 years old? And how unfair that just because she disliked the food

> that I never got to try it! Just needed to vent and I'm curious to

see

> if anyone else has run into that.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Katrina,

I actually had an opposite experience. I think food is the one thing

many people use for control, and because BPD's are usually so hung up

on physical/material appearance food naturally has much to do with

this. Are you seeking treatment of any kind?

I'm not sure calling it a food dictatorship, but nada taught/modeled

for me (without even knowing it) from very early on that food can be

used as a coping skill. In fact when I was little my nada had

depression and was lonely (she had trouble keeping friends) so she

ate. So many things with nada are centered around food (its a wonder I

have such a distorted relationship with food).

When I was 10 years old around the time of the birth of my brother

(who was born 3 months prematurely and was in the hospital for the

first 6 months of his life) I began binging. And this began a 16 year

battle with compulsive overeating/binging.

Since food was my only solace, I had to sneak what I was eating (that

and my fada was really into fitness-ironic when you look at nada). In

fact fada used to make me exercise by running the stairs, while he sat

and watched t.v. When nada and fada " caught " me taking food they

punished me severely because I was " stealing their food " .

The really crazy thing is nada always used to yell at me because I

gained weight, she would make me get on the scale in front of her.

She'd then yell about sending me away to a " fat camp " , etc...The one

thing my nada said over and over again is that I will never find a man

or job, or be happy in life because of my weight (yet I have the

beginnings of an amazing career and man I am going to share my life

with, and with therapy I continue to work on increasing my happiness)

Oddly enough the bulk of my weight gain has come after the NC with

them! Talk about dealing with emotional loss. So nada and fada were

the food police (as well as the weight police).

So now even though nada and fada have gone NC with me almost two years

ago, I am still in therapy struggling to over come my eating disorder.

I want to thank you Katrina for bringing up this topic, I never really

thought others would have food issues because of BPD's in their life.

-Alyssa

>

> My own mother has a tendancy to over cook everything and she is a

good cook.. Whenever I cook for her she never says anything positive

about it or thanks me for my effort. I am an excellent cook and I

offer to cook for her on the weekends. Every time I offer she is very

unenthusiastic. I do my best to stay within her diet restrictions and

fix interesting meals, but she would rather over cook her food and eat

that. When my son and I leave, she makes sure that she packs up every

bit of food I have bought for her and she sends it back with us. It

seems like such a small thing but it is very irritating. And God help

us if we don't just fall out with gratitude for her over cooked meals.

I am about to give up cooking for her. I'd rather take her snide

remarks about always having to feed us and complaining that she always

has to be on her feet. It takes less effort on my part. Passive

agressive to the max.

>

>

>

> Re: Did anyone else grow up under a

food dictatorship?

>

> I do not remember so much about food issues, I was lucky that my

> mother cooked healthy and good food--only downside was that we

> continuously had to be explicitly very very VERY grateful for this.

> So that we felt that in fact we deserved to starve but in her endless

> goodness she provided us with the best possible food.

> BUT I do have food issues with her now. If I go to my parents for

> dinner, and I am relieved that things have remained quiet and there

> have been no major embarrassments or aggressions- -then the moment of

> the " food distribution " comes and I feel the tension rising. Maybe I

> sound ungrateful in what I am about to say, but I think the members

> in this forum will know better and understand differently. She always

> wants to give me food, abundantly, as if I am not able to do any

> shopping myself, and as if I have four more people to feed. Is this

> recognizable to any of you? She begins to get more and more angry,

> begins to insult me, feels seriously rejected when I say no to her

> food. It's one of the issues where she completely disregards my

> needs, fills them in for me. And then the paying of the food becomes

> the next hurdle to take: I insist on paying, because I don't want

> to " cost " her, I have enough money of myself to pay for my own food.

> But also that seems sometimes to be an equivalent of attempted

> murder, complete rejection-- and sometimes it's totally the opposite:

> she's mad at me when I don't spontaneously ask her how much it is,

> then she goes like: " and you think this is all so evident, and you

> have no idea how difficult everything is for me a.s.o. " Then usually

> my father, who is terribly cheap and always around when food and

> money are discussed, makes some stupid remark and she gets a

> screaming fit or scratches him or pulls his hair or whines and makes

> me say " yes indeed you have a very difficult life and an impossible

> evil husband and you are a saint. "

> Is it a control issue ? Or is it a fear of abandonment and rejection-

> -which triggers in my mother always the hateful, the aggressive, the

> manipulative, the cruel. ?

> And on days when I couldn't handle it well, and my boundaries were

> crossed, I feel physical aversion of the food, and it usually lies in

> the fridge till it's rotten, and I throw it away with even more

> aversion. It would be good if I could change something in these food

> negotiations- -if nothing else good food gets lost and that's a shame

> in itself.

> How should I deal with this? Any thoughts?

> Thanks

> Katrina

>

>

>

>

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry! I had a similar life. My mother didn't shop at all

and I had to cook and shop for her, so it wasn't exactly the same, but

still, I get it. I'm sorry and you are beautiful.

>

> Food Dictatorship is an understatement for my family. My nada was

> OBSESSED with every aspect of food. She spent hours writing shopping

> lists; planning meals (nothing that ever deserved the time she spent

> on thinking about and buying it); unloading the car; reciting how

> much she paid for every stinking thing; guarding the food - yep there

> were 5 kids and 2 packages of cookies for the week. To this day all

> of us are scared to death to be the one to finish anything. That

> earned you rotten comments to anyone passing by about what a pig you

> were for eating all of the cookies; pretzels; apples. etc. She

> counted every morsel and monitored everyone totally.

>

> I remember one time the entire family went to a beach resort for the

> weekend. Of course, we had to bring our own food. As the oldest, I

> was married by then and my husband and I brought his two young

> nephews. Nada had baked -from a mix- a basic yellow cake with

> chocolate frosting. Sometime during the afternoon the two nephews

> each cut themselves a piece. Food was not monitored in their

> household. When some of us came back to the beach house frm swimming,

> we were literally frozen in place when we saw that the cake had been

> cut into. I remember that even thought I was a married woman, I knew

> I would catch the most verbal abuse because it was my husband's

> family. Of course that's exactly what happened. In fact nada told

> that story for the next 20 years to anyone who would listen. She

> never realized how ridiculous she sounded!

>

> For all of us 3 girls the food monitoring was outrageous. I tended

> toward the heavier side, so I was put on my first " diet " the summer I

> was 7. It became a ritual to diet and starve all summer and slowly

> put it on throughout the school year. I was never allowed to eat

> anything like b-day cake and ice cream when I went to a friend's

> party. She actually called their mother and told them not to feed

> me. My 2 younger sisters literally starved themselves all through

> high school. Of course, then nada would cry to me about what could

> she two with these two skinny girls who wouldn't eat. I wans't much

> help to her because I wasn't eating either but by then my body was

> ruined from obsessive dieting so I too was actually atarving!

>

> As grown ups, I'm ALWAYS joining the newest weight loss plan and

> gaining and losing 40+ lbs every year. I'm sure I've gained and lost

> 4,000 lbs total. My next sis is an obsessive exerciser who not only

> monitors what she what but what everyone else eats too. When my

> daughter was little she refused to eat with Auntie because, " she

> checks on what I eat too much and it makes me nervous to eat at

> all! " ; finally my youngest sis has turned into a fast food junkie -

> starvation person. We are all clueless about nutrition even though it

> has literally consumed our lives. Even my two brothers - one is huge

> ane the other is an exercise/body building freak!

>

> Because it was most important for nada to let all of us know that she

> controlled her appetite better than small children did, she never

> hesitated to announce at dinner that she wouldn't be eating that

> night, if she ate lunch out because she was still too full!

>

> GAG!! no I never did but it wasn't because she didn't try to make me.

> I would be happy to never think about food again in this lifetime.

> Funny I hosted every family holiday for 35 years until I said one

> year I'm all done. Holidays and food are the worst. AS you all can

> probably tell this is a very horrible topic for me even vent about

> but I guess it's good to do that now and then.

>

>

> >

> > I've always had issues about food and nada. The ones I was aware of

> as

> > of yesterday include nada ignoring, then denying, my anorexia at

> age

> > 13, being forced to overeat/clean my plate, being given too much

> sugar

> > and white flour, and not learning anything about nutrition until I

> was

> > obese at age 24 and my mother-in-law gave me a nutrition book.

> >

> > After a seemingly innocent email to nada yesterday, I realized yet

> > another issue. Nada only provided us with food she liked,

> regardless of

> > what fada or any of the rest of us had to say. I never sampled some

> of

> > my favorite foods until after age 20. Some of these include foods

> such

> > as tofu, soy, spinach, avocado, artichoke, cauliflower, as well as

> > ethnic foods including Japanese, Thai, Brazilian, Jamaican, and

> Indian.

> > I never put two and two together until I sent her an email

> mentioning a

> > guacamole recipe thet combined peas or soybeans with avocado for a

> > lower-fat dish. The reply? " Ewwww, I hate avacaodo. Yuck! " What is

> she,

> > 3 years old? And how unfair that just because she disliked the food

> > that I never got to try it! Just needed to vent and I'm curious to

> see

> > if anyone else has run into that.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Alyssa, wow!? So much like my life. My dad (not bpd) is a total jock and my

mom is a very obese woman. I lean toward my dad's side when it comes to

exercise - i love the stuff and am pretty healthy, but I am also chubby and

it has been a constant struggle between anorexic and chub. Honestly, I think

chubby and active is healthier.

One of my earliest, earliest memories of my mother is of her telling me that

she is on a diet and that means she doesn't eat treats. Minutes later I

catch her laying on the couch eating a sack of cookies. I said " but I

thought you were on a diet. " and she said (to 3 or 4 year old me), " it's

okay, it's the weekend. "

Wha?

Tell me about your little brother! Seriously! I was 10 when my mom got

pregnant (I was the youngest of 2) and at age 11 my brother died. He was

born 3 months prematurely.

Really, tell me about this! My little brother ruled my life from the time he

was concieved.

Girlscout

>

> Hi Katrina,

>

> I actually had an opposite experience. I think food is the one thing

> many people use for control, and because BPD's are usually so hung up

> on physical/material appearance food naturally has much to do with

> this. Are you seeking treatment of any kind?

> I'm not sure calling it a food dictatorship, but nada taught/modeled

> for me (without even knowing it) from very early on that food can be

> used as a coping skill. In fact when I was little my nada had

> depression and was lonely (she had trouble keeping friends) so she

> ate. So many things with nada are centered around food (its a wonder I

> have such a distorted relationship with food).

> When I was 10 years old around the time of the birth of my brother

> (who was born 3 months prematurely and was in the hospital for the

> first 6 months of his life) I began binging. And this began a 16 year

> battle with compulsive overeating/binging.

> Since food was my only solace, I had to sneak what I was eating (that

> and my fada was really into fitness-ironic when you look at nada). In

> fact fada used to make me exercise by running the stairs, while he sat

> and watched t.v. When nada and fada " caught " me taking food they

> punished me severely because I was " stealing their food " .

>

> The really crazy thing is nada always used to yell at me because I

> gained weight, she would make me get on the scale in front of her.

> She'd then yell about sending me away to a " fat camp " , etc...The one

> thing my nada said over and over again is that I will never find a man

> or job, or be happy in life because of my weight (yet I have the

> beginnings of an amazing career and man I am going to share my life

> with, and with therapy I continue to work on increasing my happiness)

> Oddly enough the bulk of my weight gain has come after the NC with

> them! Talk about dealing with emotional loss. So nada and fada were

> the food police (as well as the weight police).

>

> So now even though nada and fada have gone NC with me almost two years

> ago, I am still in therapy struggling to over come my eating disorder.

> I want to thank you Katrina for bringing up this topic, I never really

> thought others would have food issues because of BPD's in their life.

> -Alyssa

>

>

> >

> > My own mother has a tendancy to over cook everything and she is a

> good cook.. Whenever I cook for her she never says anything positive

> about it or thanks me for my effort. I am an excellent cook and I

> offer to cook for her on the weekends. Every time I offer she is very

> unenthusiastic. I do my best to stay within her diet restrictions and

> fix interesting meals, but she would rather over cook her food and eat

> that. When my son and I leave, she makes sure that she packs up every

> bit of food I have bought for her and she sends it back with us. It

> seems like such a small thing but it is very irritating. And God help

> us if we don't just fall out with gratitude for her over cooked meals.

> I am about to give up cooking for her. I'd rather take her snide

> remarks about always having to feed us and complaining that she always

> has to be on her feet. It takes less effort on my part. Passive

> agressive to the max.

> >

> >

> >

> > Re: Did anyone else grow up under a

> food dictatorship?

> >

> > I do not remember so much about food issues, I was lucky that my

> > mother cooked healthy and good food--only downside was that we

> > continuously had to be explicitly very very VERY grateful for this.

> > So that we felt that in fact we deserved to starve but in her endless

> > goodness she provided us with the best possible food.

> > BUT I do have food issues with her now. If I go to my parents for

> > dinner, and I am relieved that things have remained quiet and there

> > have been no major embarrassments or aggressions- -then the moment of

> > the " food distribution " comes and I feel the tension rising. Maybe I

> > sound ungrateful in what I am about to say, but I think the members

> > in this forum will know better and understand differently. She always

> > wants to give me food, abundantly, as if I am not able to do any

> > shopping myself, and as if I have four more people to feed. Is this

> > recognizable to any of you? She begins to get more and more angry,

> > begins to insult me, feels seriously rejected when I say no to her

> > food. It's one of the issues where she completely disregards my

> > needs, fills them in for me. And then the paying of the food becomes

> > the next hurdle to take: I insist on paying, because I don't want

> > to " cost " her, I have enough money of myself to pay for my own food.

> > But also that seems sometimes to be an equivalent of attempted

> > murder, complete rejection-- and sometimes it's totally the opposite:

> > she's mad at me when I don't spontaneously ask her how much it is,

> > then she goes like: " and you think this is all so evident, and you

> > have no idea how difficult everything is for me a.s.o. " Then usually

> > my father, who is terribly cheap and always around when food and

> > money are discussed, makes some stupid remark and she gets a

> > screaming fit or scratches him or pulls his hair or whines and makes

> > me say " yes indeed you have a very difficult life and an impossible

> > evil husband and you are a saint. "

> > Is it a control issue ? Or is it a fear of abandonment and rejection-

> > -which triggers in my mother always the hateful, the aggressive, the

> > manipulative, the cruel. ?

> > And on days when I couldn't handle it well, and my boundaries were

> > crossed, I feel physical aversion of the food, and it usually lies in

> > the fridge till it's rotten, and I throw it away with even more

> > aversion. It would be good if I could change something in these food

> > negotiations- -if nothing else good food gets lost and that's a shame

> > in itself.

> > How should I deal with this? Any thoughts?

> > Thanks

> > Katrina

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> __________________________________________________________

> > Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> > http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

My mother kind of implied those things, but watching her I learned

to take solace in food as well. She would always stay up very late

at night and bake. And she'd make us some baked goods in the

afternoon as well. In part I think to get us out of her hair, they'd

be ready when we got home, cookies or brownies, and our attention

would be immediately diverted.

She started trying to regulate my weight when I reached puberty and

gained about ten or fifteen pounds, before that I'd been a

scarecrow, every thin. I ferociosly resented her intrusion into my

eating habits, and fought her efforts to restrict my eating, like

when we'd be at a restaurant and everyone would order desert and

she'd try to get me not to. Pretty soon she gave up. My sister

always had a weight problem; she had gastric bypass last year and

looks great. My mother lost about a hundred pounds but it has slowly

crept partially back on a couple of times. I am overweight now. I

have been to overeaters anonymous off and on over the years but I

could not bring myself to 'call in' the food for the day. That

brought up screaming resistance within me, it's like a huge trigger

for me and even now when I think about how I feel about it I hear

curse words in my head. I wonder sometimes if that was why I failed,

because I 'wasn't willing'. About ten years ago I was very thin and

very in shape and it was a constant struggle and I frankly don't

want to live that way, it was not fun. I have a sister-in-law who

can eat like 5 horses and is is very thin and long and lean and I am

envious of her. I need to lose this weight for health reasons though

but I truly believe all of my mother issues are buried in these

pounds and I sometimes wonder if they are even fixable.

[Guest guest]

mayalisa -- you wrote that " when I look back it is no wonder I

developed a sweet tooth, because we ate the same flavorless garbage

over and over. " I grew up eating the same crap and also have a severe

sweet tooth that I still fight with daily. Have you or anyone else

come across any research to indicate that a lack of a balanced diet

as a child can create a sweet tooth? Or, more importantly, what to do

about it once you have it?

Thanks for your insight. I'm still trying to lose more weight and am

running out of answers. I exercise and eat healthy. I am not blaming

my family history or genes -- I know that makes it harder, but it

can't be impossible! I won't accept that.

>

> Not really but my dad loved red meat, which I hated, and all the

side

> dishes were starches so I always felt like I was starving growing

up.

> My family cooks the vegetables to death so there was nothing fresh

> except the occasional iceberg lettuce salad. I honestly don't know

how

> they did it growing up, we didn't have alot of money but my dad had

to

> have his steak and roast beef and pork chops, or we had hamburgers

and

> hot dogs. Bread (white, always), potato dishes or macaroni.

Sometimes

> a 'casserole'. Typical american fare but when I look back it is no

> wonder I developed a sweet tooth, because we ate the same

flavorless

> garbage over and over. To season something, add grease, oil, or

salt.

> It really got brought home to me over easter when I looked at the

> dishes of food all sitting on the stove and realized that nothing

> could have possibly been included for it's nutritional value. The

kind

> of meal you can eat and still feel hungry. I was 18 before I ever

had

> Mexican or Chinese food, both of which I now love. Besides tacos I

> mean.

>

[Guest guest]

I know my food issues are all tied up with my nada issues. My first

*word* was *Coco* which is what I called Coke, which is what was in

my bottle. My bottle! She put coffee (with milk--she's quick to let

you know) in our sipper cups. Every meal was a fried meat, some form

of potato that had been cooked past recognition, and yellow rice

(because it's imporant to eat bright colors-I am not kidding). When

my brother at 11 tried not to eat fried shrimp, they yelled at him

about nutrition and all they did for him . . . blah, blah, blah.

They conversation at mealtime was always the parent who had not

cooked the food critizicing the meal the other parent had cooked.

There favorite meals were when one of us cooked because then they

could both b***** together at us instead of at each other. Here's

the funny thing--they always gave me a hard time about my weight.

They fed me junk and then harrassed me for being fat. Even funnier--

I wasn't fat back then. I made myself vomit and drank Slimfast.

Still, I could never be then enough. A good friend saw a picture of

me from when I was 15; she remarked how I was too thin and that my

head looked to big for my body. At the same time in my life nada was

merciless about my weight. She told me " if you could just lose 10

pounds, you could date any guy your sister dates. " I don't want to

pick on my sister who had a very difficult childhood (worse than

being nada's daughter is being nada's stepdaughter), but anyone who

was easy could have dated any guy my sister dated; it had nothing to

do with body shape. Sorry for the rant--I need a piece of chocolate.

Bunny

..

>

> I've always had issues about food and nada. The ones I was aware of

as

> of yesterday include nada ignoring, then denying, my anorexia at

age

> 13, being forced to overeat/clean my plate, being given too much

sugar

> and white flour, and not learning anything about nutrition until I

was

> obese at age 24 and my mother-in-law gave me a nutrition book.

>

> After a seemingly innocent email to nada yesterday, I realized yet

> another issue. Nada only provided us with food she liked,

regardless of

> what fada or any of the rest of us had to say. I never sampled some

of

> my favorite foods until after age 20. Some of these include foods

such

> as tofu, soy, spinach, avocado, artichoke, cauliflower, as well as

> ethnic foods including Japanese, Thai, Brazilian, Jamaican, and

Indian.

> I never put two and two together until I sent her an email

mentioning a

> guacamole recipe thet combined peas or soybeans with avocado for a

> lower-fat dish. The reply? " Ewwww, I hate avacaodo. Yuck! " What is

she,

> 3 years old? And how unfair that just because she disliked the food

> that I never got to try it! Just needed to vent and I'm curious to

see

> if anyone else has run into that.

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, my mom put coke in my bottle too, and bragged about it - but not

coffee. That's insane.

>

> I know my food issues are all tied up with my nada issues. My first

> *word* was *Coco* which is what I called Coke, which is what was in

> my bottle. My bottle! She put coffee (with milk--she's quick to let

> you know) in our sipper cups. Every meal was a fried meat, some form

> of potato that had been cooked past recognition, and yellow rice

> (because it's imporant to eat bright colors-I am not kidding). When

> my brother at 11 tried not to eat fried shrimp, they yelled at him

> about nutrition and all they did for him . . . blah, blah, blah.

> They conversation at mealtime was always the parent who had not

> cooked the food critizicing the meal the other parent had cooked.

> There favorite meals were when one of us cooked because then they

> could both b***** together at us instead of at each other. Here's

> the funny thing--they always gave me a hard time about my weight.

> They fed me junk and then harrassed me for being fat. Even funnier--

> I wasn't fat back then. I made myself vomit and drank Slimfast.

> Still, I could never be then enough. A good friend saw a picture of

> me from when I was 15; she remarked how I was too thin and that my

> head looked to big for my body. At the same time in my life nada was

> merciless about my weight. She told me " if you could just lose 10

> pounds, you could date any guy your sister dates. " I don't want to

> pick on my sister who had a very difficult childhood (worse than

> being nada's daughter is being nada's stepdaughter), but anyone who

> was easy could have dated any guy my sister dated; it had nothing to

> do with body shape. Sorry for the rant--I need a piece of chocolate.

>

> Bunny

>

> .

> >

> > I've always had issues about food and nada. The ones I was aware of

> as

> > of yesterday include nada ignoring, then denying, my anorexia at

> age

> > 13, being forced to overeat/clean my plate, being given too much

> sugar

> > and white flour, and not learning anything about nutrition until I

> was

> > obese at age 24 and my mother-in-law gave me a nutrition book.

> >

> > After a seemingly innocent email to nada yesterday, I realized yet

> > another issue. Nada only provided us with food she liked,

> regardless of

> > what fada or any of the rest of us had to say. I never sampled some

> of

> > my favorite foods until after age 20. Some of these include foods

> such

> > as tofu, soy, spinach, avocado, artichoke, cauliflower, as well as

> > ethnic foods including Japanese, Thai, Brazilian, Jamaican, and

> Indian.

> > I never put two and two together until I sent her an email

> mentioning a

> > guacamole recipe thet combined peas or soybeans with avocado for a

> > lower-fat dish. The reply? " Ewwww, I hate avacaodo. Yuck! " What is

> she,

> > 3 years old? And how unfair that just because she disliked the food

> > that I never got to try it! Just needed to vent and I'm curious to

> see

> > if anyone else has run into that.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I grew up with sugar water and jello water bottles. Which, I was

allowed until I was seven years old...just to entertain me, so that

she didn't have to bother with me, I guess. She said they were

healthy & entertaining. I remember having something tragic to a

kindergartner happen, Don't remember what exactly. But, I was

crying and crying and needing my mother to comfort and hold me. And

she shoved this bottle at me to shut me up and went in and talked on

the phone. I was really hurt by that for a long time. Stuffing a

bottle in my mouth instead of being a mother. Though, I did like

the bottle. Atleast, it was comforting to me.

During school, I was never sure if there would be dinner at home, or

if I'd be fending for myself (with chili from a can or cheese with

stale bread from the fridge.) On rare occasions we would have a

really good dinner. But, usually, if she cooked, it was like

someone mentioned always a potatoe, cooked beyond recognition and

some burnt, dry meat and maybe some canned green beans or corn.

At one point, I realized that she just didn't keep any food in the

fridge. There was usually some stale bread, mayo, some eggs, and a

few yogurts. And thinking back, it's what she wanted to eat. And

it's a wonder we didn't all starve. I remember once when I was

little that she had some plums off of someone's tree and had put the

bowl full of plums in the fridge. I think I ate the whole bowl

full, ravonously. I remember being just thrilled with my find. And

returning again and again for this food and then being sick later.

Someone in one of the books mentions that their mother invited them

over for dinner and there was nothing in the fridge. Except, an old

mostly eaten tray of jello. And the mother said, " I thought we'd

just fill in around jello. " That made me laugh so hard because my

mom has done that same thing so many times. She'd say " well, I

thought we'd share this stouffers frozen dinner. " Or, we get there

and nothing is cooking. So, she sais, " Oh, we'd better microwave

a potatoe. At that she'd pulverize this poor potatoe or two and ask

what we'd like to poor over it. By then we are feeling ready to

leave. But out of politeness and not to hurt her feelings (knowing

that it really deeply would), we stay and eat pulverized potatoes.

And it's just so sad when they are just so unable to function at

times that they can't put out a small, nice dinner. The older she

gets, the harder it seems for her to do. But, I guess, sometimes we

have to accept that people aren't perfect. Gives us a story to laugh

about later.

Still, I blame much of my health problems now and previously on a

general lack of nutrition. But, I think this is a problem with us as

a society-as a whole. And not just with our bpd moms.

>

> I do not remember so much about food issues, I was lucky that my

> mother cooked healthy and good food--only downside was that we

> continuously had to be explicitly very very VERY grateful for this.

> So that we felt that in fact we deserved to starve but in her

endless

> goodness she provided us with the best possible food.

> BUT I do have food issues with her now. If I go to my parents for

> dinner, and I am relieved that things have remained quiet and there

> have been no major embarrassments or aggressions--then the moment

of

> the " food distribution " comes and I feel the tension rising. Maybe

I

> sound ungrateful in what I am about to say, but I think the members

> in this forum will know better and understand differently. She

always

> wants to give me food, abundantly, as if I am not able to do any

> shopping myself, and as if I have four more people to feed. Is this

> recognizable to any of you? She begins to get more and more angry,

> begins to insult me, feels seriously rejected when I say no to her

> food. It's one of the issues where she completely disregards my

> needs, fills them in for me. And then the paying of the food

becomes

> the next hurdle to take: I insist on paying, because I don't want

> to " cost " her, I have enough money of myself to pay for my own

food.

> But also that seems sometimes to be an equivalent of attempted

> murder, complete rejection-- and sometimes it's totally the

opposite:

> she's mad at me when I don't spontaneously ask her how much it is,

> then she goes like: " and you think this is all so evident, and you

> have no idea how difficult everything is for me a.s.o. " Then

usually

> my father, who is terribly cheap and always around when food and

> money are discussed, makes some stupid remark and she gets a

> screaming fit or scratches him or pulls his hair or whines and

makes

> me say " yes indeed you have a very difficult life and an impossible

> evil husband and you are a saint. "

> Is it a control issue ? Or is it a fear of abandonment and

rejection-

> -which triggers in my mother always the hateful, the aggressive,

the

> manipulative, the cruel. ?

> And on days when I couldn't handle it well, and my boundaries were

> crossed, I feel physical aversion of the food, and it usually lies

in

> the fridge till it's rotten, and I throw it away with even more

> aversion. It would be good if I could change something in these

food

> negotiations--if nothing else good food gets lost and that's a

shame

> in itself.

> How should I deal with this? Any thoughts?

> Thanks

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Ah, the food thing was wierd. Our dinners were almost always some

form of meat burnt to a crisp and vegetables from a can. On rare

occasions we'd have spaghetti that was so overcooked that each strand

was about as thick as a baby's finger and clung together like sushi

rice. And then every now and then we'd have white rice with milk,

cinnamon and sugar. As an entree.

But when company came! Oh my! Such a food production! And she'd

always try to pass it off as if we always ate that way. I remember

once when we had some people over I brought a serving dish of beans

(fresh from the store, of course) to the table, and she asked, in

front of our guests and not in a very nice way, " Why didn't you put a

pat of butter on top? " Mind you, she never told me to, and I

responded honestly " But mom, we never eat it that way. " She gave me

such a hateful look, then made this growling aggravated sound and

said " You ALWAYS put butter on top of fresh vegetables! " and shot a

look to our guests that said " See what I have to put up with? " I of

course felt like I had committed an unforgivable sin. I think I was

eight or so.

[Guest guest]

Did anyone have a bulimic Nada? (self-harm)

>

> Ah, the food thing was wierd. Our dinners were almost always some

> form of meat burnt to a crisp and vegetables from a can. On rare

> occasions we'd have spaghetti that was so overcooked that each

strand

> was about as thick as a baby's finger and clung together like sushi

> rice. And then every now and then we'd have white rice with milk,

> cinnamon and sugar. As an entree.

>

> But when company came! Oh my! Such a food production! And she'd

> always try to pass it off as if we always ate that way. I remember

> once when we had some people over I brought a serving dish of beans

> (fresh from the store, of course) to the table, and she asked, in

> front of our guests and not in a very nice way, " Why didn't you put

a

> pat of butter on top? " Mind you, she never told me to, and I

> responded honestly " But mom, we never eat it that way. " She gave

me

> such a hateful look, then made this growling aggravated sound and

> said " You ALWAYS put butter on top of fresh vegetables! " and shot a

> look to our guests that said " See what I have to put up with? " I of

> course felt like I had committed an unforgivable sin. I think I

was

> eight or so.

>

[Guest guest]

My BPD husband also has food issues. I married him and realized that

he would never appreciate my cooking for an hour at night. He'd

refuse to eat it and make some rude comment about how I couldn't

cook. Then, he'd go out to eat. I'd always been told that I was a

good cook. And this really hurt my feelings after I'd planned a

special meal for him. But, he was just a jerk about it. Finally, I

realized that he will only eat food from fast food places. That's

what he wanted. And that's why he puts on the rude obnoxious show

over my cooking. Yet, he'd tell everyone how I didn't feed him, or

make dinner for him...boo, hoo, hoo. There was no way I was going to

keep cooking for someone like that.

> > >

> > > My own mother has a tendancy to over cook everything and she is

a

> good

> > > cook.. Whenever I cook for her she never says anything positive

> about it or

> > > thanks me for my effort. I am an excellent cook and I offer to

> cook for her

> > > on the weekends. Every time I offer she is very unenthusiastic.

I

> do my best

> > > to stay within her diet restrictions and fix interesting meals,

> but she

> > > would rather over cook her food and eat that. When my son and I

> leave, she

> > > makes sure that she packs up every bit of food I have bought

for

> her and she

> > > sends it back with us. It seems like such a small thing but it

is

> very

> > > irritating. And God help us if we don't just fall out with

> gratitude for her

> > > over cooked meals. I am about to give up cooking for her. I'd

> rather take

> > > her snide remarks about always having to feed us and

complaining

> that she

> > > always has to be on her feet. It takes less effort on my part.

> Passive

> > > agressive to the max.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Re: Did anyone else grow up under

a

> food

> > > dictatorship?

> > >

> > > I do not remember so much about food issues, I was lucky that my

> > > mother cooked healthy and good food--only downside was that we

> > > continuously had to be explicitly very very VERY grateful for

> this.

> > > So that we felt that in fact we deserved to starve but in her

> endless

> > > goodness she provided us with the best possible food.

> > > BUT I do have food issues with her now. If I go to my parents

for

> > > dinner, and I am relieved that things have remained quiet and

> there

> > > have been no major embarrassments or aggressions- -then the

> moment of

> > > the " food distribution " comes and I feel the tension rising.

> Maybe I

> > > sound ungrateful in what I am about to say, but I think the

> members

> > > in this forum will know better and understand differently. She

> always

> > > wants to give me food, abundantly, as if I am not able to do any

> > > shopping myself, and as if I have four more people to feed. Is

> this

> > > recognizable to any of you? She begins to get more and more

angry,

> > > begins to insult me, feels seriously rejected when I say no to

her

> > > food. It's one of the issues where she completely disregards my

> > > needs, fills them in for me. And then the paying of the food

> becomes

> > > the next hurdle to take: I insist on paying, because I don't

want

> > > to " cost " her, I have enough money of myself to pay for my own

> food.

> > > But also that seems sometimes to be an equivalent of attempted

> > > murder, complete rejection-- and sometimes it's totally the

> opposite:

> > > she's mad at me when I don't spontaneously ask her how much it

is,

> > > then she goes like: " and you think this is all so evident, and

you

> > > have no idea how difficult everything is for me a.s.o. " Then

> usually

> > > my father, who is terribly cheap and always around when food and

> > > money are discussed, makes some stupid remark and she gets a

> > > screaming fit or scratches him or pulls his hair or whines and

> makes

> > > me say " yes indeed you have a very difficult life and an

> impossible

> > > evil husband and you are a saint. "

> > > Is it a control issue ? Or is it a fear of abandonment and

> rejection-

> > > -which triggers in my mother always the hateful, the

aggressive,

> the

> > > manipulative, the cruel. ?

> > > And on days when I couldn't handle it well, and my boundaries

were

> > > crossed, I feel physical aversion of the food, and it usually

> lies in

> > > the fridge till it's rotten, and I throw it away with even more

> > > aversion. It would be good if I could change something in these

> food

> > > negotiations- -if nothing else good food gets lost and that's a

> shame

> > > in itself.

> > > How should I deal with this? Any thoughts?

> > > Thanks

> > > Katrina

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

>

______________________________________________________________________

> ______________

> > > Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> > > http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

No, but due to extreme abuse she inflicted upon my sister, my sister became

bulimic. Nada had a weight problem and HATED thin women and girls. She hated my

sister and refused to get her medical treatment even though she was extremely

ill. Finally my father stepped in and my sister was hospitalized.

marstonsway wrote: Did anyone have a bulimic

Nada? (self-harm)

>

> Ah, the food thing was wierd. Our dinners were almost always some

> form of meat burnt to a crisp and vegetables from a can. On rare

> occasions we'd have spaghetti that was so overcooked that each

strand

> was about as thick as a baby's finger and clung together like sushi

> rice. And then every now and then we'd have white rice with milk,

> cinnamon and sugar. As an entree.

>

> But when company came! Oh my! Such a food production! And she'd

> always try to pass it off as if we always ate that way. I remember

> once when we had some people over I brought a serving dish of beans

> (fresh from the store, of course) to the table, and she asked, in

> front of our guests and not in a very nice way, " Why didn't you put

a

> pat of butter on top? " Mind you, she never told me to, and I

> responded honestly " But mom, we never eat it that way. " She gave

me

> such a hateful look, then made this growling aggravated sound and

> said " You ALWAYS put butter on top of fresh vegetables! " and shot a

> look to our guests that said " See what I have to put up with? " I of

> course felt like I had committed an unforgivable sin. I think I

was

> eight or so.

>

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Along this thread...

My nada wasn't/isn't a great cook, but I was never a picky eater so i don't

remember ever feeling like I was missing out...

The problem is that she never made any attempt to teach me how to cook (probably

because she felt inept at it herself). Now I have SERIOUS issues with cooking;

I have anxiety over it. Like many other KO's, I don't have the confidence to

try something new, for fear of failure. I'm too scared to attempt to cook

anything for my husband (a semi-picky eater), because if he didn't like it, or

if I even SENSED that he didn't like it, I would be devastated. He's a decent

cook, so he does most of the cooking. WELL THAT gives me even more anxiety,

because I feel as the wife I should be the one doing the more " domestic " tasks,

ie taking care of my man.

http://www.windowslive-hotmail.com/ZuneADay/?locale=en-US & ocid=TXT_TAGLM_Mobile_\

Zune_V3

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry for your sister, that is evil. The women in my family

are the same way. My mother is putting on weight again and I've

noticed her attitude toward me is changing and she's becoming more

mean and confrontational.

[Guest guest]

This thread is great. Nada took me to eat at Burger King all the time, probably

because I split all bad and she was trying to kill me. My split-good perfect

born a saint possibly-BP-queen sibling was given all kinds of nutritional food,

and her diet was controlled exaclty.

My fada, when I was in contact, was always happy when I visited, because it

was the only time that someone would buy him the foods he liked. Not that

difficult-- he would say what he liked, I would listen, and I would go to store

and pick up some of those items if I happened to be going to the store anyway.

He would get this amazed look in his eyes, and be over-the-top grateful to me,

" you remembered what I like " . Imagine living with someone (nada) for decades

who won't even buy you one or two items of food that you like! They are so

wierd.

(BTW, I remember that I learned from my college roommate to ask someone would

they like anything when I go to the store, no one did that in my FOO.)

From you friend

" WALKING TO HAPPINESS " .

May we all walk towards happiness...

---------------------------------

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