unpredictability and confidence

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I am having a rough day and struggling with uncertainty about my

partner. He works in Switzerland for the moment, so we see each other

every other week during the weekend. I'm normally handling this well,

but sometimes I really panick, like today. Nothing happened, except

that he did not reply yesterday and this morning to an sms. And I

called him and he was a bit distant. In the mean time he already

wrote me a mail why he could not reply, and that he was distant

because he was with someone in a meeting. All very sensible, and I

don't doubt he is honest. But what bugs me is the sheer panick that

threatens to overwhelm me when I think that something is wrong. I

imagine already the worst case scenario's: going from " he must have

had an accident " to " he must have gotten tired of me and is going to

break up with me " . And I search myself and scan the previous

conversations and mails: " there must be something I have done wrong. "

Then I feel guilty: why is my confidence so weak, so easily shaken? I

have no reason whatsoever to think the things I am thinking about him-

-he is wonderful and I am grateful that I met him and things work so

well between us. But why this gripping fear, then? I should know by

now that with him it is not the same as in my FOO, that his love will

not change from the one moment to the other, will not be withheld

suddenly and inexplicably, will not change to disdain and hatred

before you can blink... Any thoughts? Any advice on how to handle

such incidents better? Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi Katrina,

I'm the same way. I once couldn't get ahold of my

(now ex-)boyfriend because he had lost his cell phone

and I assumed that he had left me (we lived together)

and was never coming back. Seriously. Not rational.

I think that many of us tend to think this way because

we know that we can be abandoned and that we were by

the precise person who was not supposed to do that.

How can we fully trust anyone if our own mothers are

not reliable? At least, I think that is part of it.

Also, there is a sense that we would have to be the

ones to pick up the pieces in the event of a problem.

My father was often late for events and I was always

certain that he had been in a horrible car accident or

something. Once he was over 6 hours late coming to

visit me in college and I was convinced he was dead on

the side of the highway. However, I was also

convinced that I needed to fix the situation, like

send out highway patrol to find him or something. It

never once occurred to me that there might not be a

problem or that even if there were, it might not be my

responsibility.

If something upsets you, I think that you need to

acknowledge that it is okay to be upset. Don't feel

like you need to hide these feelings. Maybe it will

help to talk to your partner about it? I think that

reassurance is helpful and necessary from others to

aid in reducing the anxiety.

is

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