Re: New Person

[Guest guest]

I just started running too. I'm doing the Couch Potato to 5k training

schedule on coolrunnings.com. I feel like a million bucks! I've run only

two times, but whoa. I ran! When I was in school I hated PE and running

with a passion. In fact, the last time I ran was around the same track I

ran on Sunday (my first run) and I hated it...and I threw up after and

vowed I would never run again. My gosh, I'm in better shape now than I

was in 9th grade!

A good neoprene waist pack would be good for carrying things. They make

them for carrying your CD player. It fits very close to your body so it

isn't bouncing around, and would carry your keys. Some have a holder for

a water bottle too.

I ran today with a water bottle in my hand. It was a nice shape so easy

to hang onto. I need to make sure I fill it next time, though. LOL (I

had worked out at Curves before the run and had drank all the water.

What a dork.)

Re: new person

Or rather

> alternating between jogging and walking. Does anyone have any advice

> about that? For example, what should I do with my keys? I can't very

> well carry a purse while I run!

>

I haven't jogged since the 80's, but when I did, what I found MOST

helpful

was having a really good paid of shoes. I adored Saucony Lady Jazz, but

I

think they discontinued it. Very cushioned...

As for keys, there was a little pouch one could buy that would fit the

key

and then you'd tie the little pouch to your shoelaces. You could also

keep

the one key in a pocket, I suppose. I wonder if they put pockets into

sports bras? I'm sure if you go to a running shoes/sports equipment

place

they'll have stuff. I imagine leaving the key under the doormat isn't an

option in Manhattan, like it is here in other parts of the world.

Speaking of sports bras, if you're jogging and are shaped like a real

woman,

you need one. Otherwise your boobies bounce so much they hurt. And if

you've

got a lot to bounce, I'd recommend a bra that zips up the middle,

otherwise

you have to be a contortionist to get the thing on.

Oh, and figure out where you're going to get water...a park water

fountain,

can you carry a water bottle? You need to stay hydrated, especially in

summer, and I think it gets pretty hot in Manhattan in summer. You also

want

to keep an ID on your person somewhere, in case of emergencies.

Good luck.

[Guest guest]

I think it's full for this year (in Seattle anyway), but check out

www.danskin.com for info about the women's triathlon series. I did it two years

ago feeling very fat and out of shape....but there is such a huge variety of

body types out there, that I felt right at home. It is so encouraging the way

everyone is supporting eachother. It is a great event, and is for a good cause

(breast cancer). After I finished that tri, I burst into tears after crossing

the finish. I felt like I could do anything. I've accomplished a lot in my

life....but doing that first tri is the accomplishment that I am most proud of!

I highly recommend it...Sally is always the sweep finisher, so no one

has to be last!

Re: new person

Or rather

> alternating between jogging and walking. Does anyone have any advice

> about that? For example, what should I do with my keys? I can't very

> well carry a purse while I run!

>

I haven't jogged since the 80's, but when I did, what I found MOST

helpful

was having a really good paid of shoes. I adored Saucony Lady Jazz, but

I

think they discontinued it. Very cushioned...

As for keys, there was a little pouch one could buy that would fit the

key

and then you'd tie the little pouch to your shoelaces. You could also

keep

the one key in a pocket, I suppose. I wonder if they put pockets into

sports bras? I'm sure if you go to a running shoes/sports equipment

place

they'll have stuff. I imagine leaving the key under the doormat isn't an

option in Manhattan, like it is here in other parts of the world.

Speaking of sports bras, if you're jogging and are shaped like a real

woman,

you need one. Otherwise your boobies bounce so much they hurt. And if

you've

got a lot to bounce, I'd recommend a bra that zips up the middle,

otherwise

you have to be a contortionist to get the thing on.

Oh, and figure out where you're going to get water...a park water

fountain,

can you carry a water bottle? You need to stay hydrated, especially in

summer, and I think it gets pretty hot in Manhattan in summer. You also

want

to keep an ID on your person somewhere, in case of emergencies.

Good luck.

[Guest guest]

Living as close to my BPD parent as I have, is the worst thing that

could have happened to me. She's very sweet, and very

manipulative. She keeps dropping by constantly to make me feel

guilty for not wanting to donate my every waking minute to her...She

tells me how she loves me and can't live with out me...blah, blah

blah. She wants to spend every day with me. She sais, and she

dropped her lady friend to do it. Then, she drops the hint that I

move in with her. After all that is what any good daughter would do

for her mother at this time of life. She actually admitted that she

has been difficult to people living there because she barges in,

interupts their privacty, and takes over.

Her only problem is that she can't stand to feel alone for one

minute. And wants me available every second. Oops, unless

something better comes up. It's her Borderline, not got a self

thing and abandonment issues, I think. OH, it is getting

infuriating to say the least. The more I am nearing getting ready

to move, the more she is pouring it on...miss charming, she's like

a suitor. In fact, the other day, I caught myself thinking, " I

really don't want to be married to my mom anymore. " Interesting,

freudian slip.

But she is courting me just like a lover, when she's not pretending

to go senile so that I'll be forced to take care of her. Please, it

is just too much!!!!!

> I would like to know if anyone else has ever

> >considered giving up > their spouse or atleast temporarily moved

> >back close to the BP >parent and away from their spouse to try to

> >help their BPD parent?

>

>

> I understand your pain of trying to deal with this, but a couple

of

> questions popped in my head as I was reading your letter.

>

> Would a healthy parent really expect a sacrifice like that?

>

> Do they really have YOUR best interests at heart?

>

> Do you think that even if you lose your spouse, and try to make

them

> happy, that they will not continue to ask for additional

sacrifices?

>

> Why haven't they figured out it is time to let you live your own

life?

>

> ** You wrote that " I wish I was stronger " . You are stronger then

you

> have ever dreamed you could be. You just have to start taking

baby

> steps. Take only one call per day, then every other day.

Practice

> saying " I am sorry you feel that way " , AND THEN SAY NOTHING ELSE.

>

> Read the book: Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her

> Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile

> Relationship, by Ann Lawson.

>

> I am trying to practice good recovery etiquette and not give

advice,

> but please think about this. One of these days both of your

parents

> will be gone, and you will be left without a life of your own.

And

> you Deserve a life of your own choosing without trying to do the

> impossible task of trying please everyone. I don't care how good

she

> has been to you, you do not " owe " her your life and happiness.

>

> TWYWALTR,

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for writing all of that out!!! Especially

delineating the part about your mother's motivations in trying to

drive a wedge between you and your husband. This part had me teary-

eyed:

" If my husband was putting his mother first, (as my mother thinks) he

would have said, " Honey, you know I've got my mother here, I can't get

off the plane. " But he got up, got his mother and got off that plane

with me, at terrible inconvenience to himself and some detriment to

his mother. (Being in a confusing situation is bad enough for most of

us. For someone with Alzheimer's it can be positively disastrous.

And it was, for my MIL, as it turned out.) He got off that plane, and

he did it for me. He knew I needed help. He put me first. And that

is as it should be. "

What a great guy.

------------------------------

I was just thinking the past few days how exhausting it is to be

around my dad and his constant negativity and competitiveness because

he always operates from the perspective that there is not enough love

to go around. There is a deficit and it must be fought for, if you get

love from someone it is by taking someone else's from them, that is

just an assumed fact of life for him. It's like someone has thrown

meat into a hungry pack of dogs, it's a free for all. It wears me out.

I am feeling less and less comfortable being around that energy

because from the time I was a child he singled me out to be

competitive with...I was the second child and he was the second child

and I always felt he was projecting his lack of love as a child onto

me but still.

I really sensed this from your mother as well, that she has to 'take'

someone's love from you away from them or she won't get any. It's very

sad to think how a child can learn such a painful lesson but boy-howdy

is it ever a destructive belief system. Thanks for taking the time to

share that.

[Guest guest]

You are so right, mayalisa -- when you wrote " how exhausting it is

to be around my dad and his constant negativity and competitiveness

because he always operates from the perspective that there is not

enough love to go around. There is a deficit and it must be fought

for, if you get love from someone it is by taking someone else's

from them, that is just an assumed fact of life for him. "

My mother is the same way -- constant negativity and never wants her

situation to change. Even though she had kids, and one of the

aspects of having kids is that they leave the nest and make

relationships of their own, she did not accept this and fought it.

When I brought boyfriends around, she was unwelcoming. Same with

the boyfriend that became my husband. Same with his family. Her

heart is just not open to the prospect of MORE loving relationships -

- and she must think that I have a finite amount of love to give and

it must all be for her.

She was jealous of my mother in law being around our first child!

That was her grandchild as much as it was my mother's! Instead of

thinking of how nice it is that the child is loved by many family

members, she wanted the baby all to herself.

That is one closed-off heart. As you said, it's like they think

there's a finite amount of love and relationships, and they've

reached their limit. That door is closed -- and they expect you to

close it in your life, too.

My mother has a couple of old friends, and they talk by phone.

Other than that, she doesn't have much to do with anybody. Finds

something wrong with them so she doesn't have to deal with them

anymore. I think her wish would have been that I was the same way,

and that she and I would be in this little isolated world together.

Fine for her, but it's very selfish of her to decide I should be

that way, too. As if my life is expendable to her wishes.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Strell,

Thank you for your thoughtful post. Long, yes but well worth the

read! Awesome insights. Thank you so much.

Kindest regards,

Mercy

>

> you just told my story. This is sort of what happened with me

> and my BP mother.

[Guest guest]

Every step forward, no matter how small, is away from the past; it's a

step in the right direction. Thanks for the kind words.

Kindest regards,

Mercy

>

> Mercy, I really like what you said about learning to walk before

> you can run. That is so much what I needed to hear right now.

> I get so frustrated with myself that I can't seem to get through

> this faster and better and less depressed. It's so hard sometimes.

> It's good to remember the baby steps are so important. Thanks.

[Guest guest]

Hello. I've only been a member for a few months but this group has been

invaluable to me. It is a great supplementation to the work you may do with a

therapist as well as the self healing. Glad to have you here

abby_doo wrote: Hello to both of you. I'm new here

too.

Interesting how similar our stories are. I'm also an only child with

a BPD mom. First chance I could, I moved 2,000 miles away from her. I

can sympathize with how torn you feel between your husband and your

family. I lived that for four years. At one point I was going to walk

away from my marriage and go back to live closer to my parents. I am

so glad that I didn't.

It's only recently that I have been able to say " no " . I limit the

phone calls and the contact. I haven't been " home " for a visit in

years. I no longer share anything about my life or my marriage. The

conversations are all superficial and she does all the talking, but

it's the only way I can remain sane.

I think the hardest part in the beginning was acknowledging the

relationship I had with my mother was neither normal or healthy and

that my mother would never be the mother I needed or wanted to have

in my life. It's still hard and sometimes I can't help but cry

because it really is a loss that must be mourned like all other

losses.

My only advise is find yourself a good therapist and begin to heal

yourself. I found a wonderful therapist who was honest with me.

Finally someone who told me I had to let go of the hope that someday

my mother would be my " mother " . It hurts and probably always will.

Take care of yourself and remember your husband CHOSE you. You did

not choose your parents, nor did you choose to be treated the way you

are and have been. You are worth it. You deserve happiness and you

deserve to be treated with respect. Don't settle for less.

> >

> > Hi all,

> > I came accross this site at the beginning of this year. I came

> > accross various books on BPD a few months ago. I am in the middle

> of

> > a horrible situation. Although not professionally diagnosed, I am

> > sure my mom has BPD. My childhood was great ( and then again I

was

> > the ultimate good child). I am an only child. I never questioned

> > anything I was told to do because, of course, my parents only

> wanted

> > what was best for me. Then, I met someone after finishing med

> school

> > and lived away at that time( parents on one coast and I on the

> other

> > and still am). I was still always my parent's baby(calling them

> upto

> > 5-6 times a day and discussing every detail of my life even my

> dating

> > with my mom, and now I do 3-4 times-----that is all part of the

> > guilt, I feel like I have no choice). I had a difficult time

with

> > having this relationship with my then boyfriend, and now husband,

> > since they(mostly mom) would not let go. She still has not. Still

> we

> > were given an awesome wedding (by both sets of parents). But

> things

> > just got worse. Too much interference from my mom and I did not

> have

> > the guts to stand up to her(it would take a book to go over them

> > all). She feels/felt I have abandoned her and gone away because

> when

> > I was away at school, I always said I would come back home and

> stay

> > close to them( and believe me, my husband and I would have but

> things

> > just got so bad with control and anger that now my husband does

> not

> > want to even be in the same state). Then once when I finally did

> > stand up for my husband and myself, she stopped talking with me

> for

> > weeks. There have been several cycles of this NC(from mom's side)

> > versus calling 3-4 times a day through the past 7 years. And yes,

> I

> > do cave in to her ideas because I just feel so guilty. My husband

> and

> > I are coming to our 5th anniversary in March. We have both come

to

> a

> > conclusion ( actually I am doing this and he has been very kind

> and

> > helpful through all this)that I should at least go and stay close

> to

> > my parents for sometime and maybe one day I will get up the

> courage

> > to tell her that I need to live my own life and return to my

> husband.

> > My fear is that that may not happen and that she will force me to

> > divorce him. Courage because the guilt is killing me(I cry

> everyday

> > and don't think it is fair to my husband either----he deserves a

> > better/stronger partner in life)and I am afraid for my dad's

> health

> > too(he is asthmatic and gets worse each time my mom has a raging

> > episode). We don't have any kids yet although this would be an

> ideal

> > time for us to have our own family, we can afford it financially

> and

> > are responsible, professional adults(except for that 2 year old-

me

> in

> > front of my mom). I frustrate myself too. I feel foolish for

doing

> > this but also feel responsible to try to help my mom(she really

> has

> > done so much for me throughout my life).

> > I would like to know if anyone else has ever considered giving up

> > their spouse or atleast temporarily moved back close to the BP

> parent

> > and away from their spouse to try to help their BPD parent? I am

> > hoping to talk and atleast get her therapy although in the past

> she

> > stopped therapy for depression( I think she was misdiagnosed as

> BPD

> > usually is) because she hated the way the meds made her feel and

> the

> > therapist said she could not help her anymore. Any ideas?

> > Thanks for listenening. I wish I was stronger.

> > CB

> >

>

---------------------------------

You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total

Access, No Cost.

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

The part about jealousy over the grandchild jumped out at me--it is

about having a " closed off heart " .

We invited the whole family to my daughter's first birthday. When my

daughter woke up from her nap, all her grandparents were there (my

nada and her husband--who lived 5 minutes away---my dad and his wife--

who travelled 5 hours to be there--and my in-laws--who travelled 3.5

hours to be there). First, nada tried to take a little one who was

waking up and feeling shy out of my arms. I refused. Then, nada

said, " Well put her down on the floor and see who she wants. " The

other two grandmothers were stricken by that comment and one of them

did say, " We do live out of town. " Nada spent the whole party trying

to demonstrate to everyone that my daughter loves her more than me,

my husband or the other realitives. It was the last time my daughter

had her grandparents in the same room and I don't expect it will

happen again. It feels like a loss for my daughter but I like my

stepmother and MIL too much to put them in that situation again.

Bunny

-- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " kylaboo728 "

wrote:

>

> You are so right, mayalisa -- when you wrote " how exhausting it is

> to be around my dad and his constant negativity and competitiveness

> because he always operates from the perspective that there is not

> enough love to go around. There is a deficit and it must be fought

> for, if you get love from someone it is by taking someone else's

> from them, that is just an assumed fact of life for him. "

>

> My mother is the same way -- constant negativity and never wants

her

> situation to change. Even though she had kids, and one of the

> aspects of having kids is that they leave the nest and make

> relationships of their own, she did not accept this and fought it.

> When I brought boyfriends around, she was unwelcoming. Same with

> the boyfriend that became my husband. Same with his family. Her

> heart is just not open to the prospect of MORE loving

relationships -

> - and she must think that I have a finite amount of love to give

and

> it must all be for her.

>

> She was jealous of my mother in law being around our first child!

> That was her grandchild as much as it was my mother's! Instead of

> thinking of how nice it is that the child is loved by many family

> members, she wanted the baby all to herself.

>

> That is one closed-off heart. As you said, it's like they think

> there's a finite amount of love and relationships, and they've

> reached their limit. That door is closed -- and they expect you to

> close it in your life, too.

>

> My mother has a couple of old friends, and they talk by phone.

> Other than that, she doesn't have much to do with anybody. Finds

> something wrong with them so she doesn't have to deal with them

> anymore. I think her wish would have been that I was the same way,

> and that she and I would be in this little isolated world

together.

> Fine for her, but it's very selfish of her to decide I should be

> that way, too. As if my life is expendable to her wishes.

>

> -Kyla

>