the dynamic with my mother is shifting

March 19, 2008

has anyone else ever had this happen when the dynamic changes because

a sister or brother previously NC is back on the scene? Plus my mother

has a new three-month old grandson she just adores.

I am starting to see things about her that are really creeping me out.

Since the grandchild was born she has been underwriting my father's

lies/misrepresentations more and more. Then my brother comes back on

the scene about a month later, and I'm seeing a look in her eyes

toward me I don't like. Resentment, malice, something. Something like

a competitive vibe. It's actually causing me a good deal of anxiety

just to write this down, it's really, really creepy. Times I was

growing up I felt like she hated me, she was so remote and the cold

way she would look at me made me feel like she was a stranger. This is

why I felt like she was a multiple personality when I was in my early

twenties and started working on these issues (more with an addiction

focus though). I see someone looking out of her eyes that does not

like me at all, that really, actually, dislikes me, maybe even hates

me. It's strange how much can change in just a few months. I guess I

have outlived my usefulness. I guess she used me as a confidante/ally

for these few years. Now with her favorite child back around/new

grandson/granddaughter on the way/ and eventual reunion with her first

granddaughter, I'm becoming 'the enemy' again. It really scares me for

some reason; I've had chills writing this out. She used to jerk me all

over the place emotionally when I was a kid. I felt I couldn't reach

her at all, and this could be days or hours after her using me for a

confidante about how poorly my dad was treating her. I didn't

understand how someone could treat me as a 'savior' one moment and a

few hours later I was back to being the devil. Those events were

incredibly painful for me...it creeps me out to no end when she

changes like that.

March 19, 2008

ha ha, the the old borderline belief that their weight makes them good or

bad. . . a weird one. Since I went NC with my mom, her few letters and many

messages from my dad have all focused on her weight. " Your mom lost 75

pounds, so you will want to talk to her now, right? " Me - " why would I care

about that, she was a b*tch to me when she weighed 75 lbs more and she is

still the same b*tch if she weighs 75 lbs less. "

>

> thanks, I really don't know. I really don't. She lost about a hundred

> pounds a few years ago and went became very (more) religious and that

> tempered her behavior for a long time. Since my brother is back on the

> scene I am seeing more of the old stuff. I couldn't begin to diagnose

> her. She is level (mood-wise) most of the time and can be very

> pleasant. Who knows.

>

March 19, 2008

that is a common thread with SO MANY suspected bpd females I have

known, they have NO self-concept outside their looks. I was on a

message board once that seemed to be swimming with female bpd/npd

types (this was before I knew anything about this stuff so I didn't

put it in those terms) but I wrote a friend once and I said, have

you noticed this dynamic of these male-identified females around

here who seem to crave so much attention based on their physicality

(they would post alot of pictures...it was a news/politics site but

these women apparently were there for more than that) and they all,

it seemed, had really crappy relationships with their mothers,

without exception. And they all seemed to have good, or better,

relationships with their fathers but based on their behavior I often

wondered if their relationships with their dads weren't mildy (or

more) incestuous. And they had this insatiable need for validation

about their physicality, to the point of it being annoying. It was

like they weren't 'okay' or didn't even exist if they couldn't make

some man drool over them. It was so strange to me, it made me think

that the only attention they'd gotten their entire lives had been

sexual, so they didn't even know there *was* any other kind of

attention. It is very common among the women in my family too, they

set their looks up as all that matters and then gain all this weight

and see it as the obstacle for acheiving anything they'd like to

achieve in life. And undermine their daughters self-esteem too, so

that the daughters end up having weigh problems too. I really don't

understand why, I am just writing what I have seen.

March 19, 2008

Well,sweetie, I just don't want you to label her as " good " or different than

before because of her weight. She's the same, and if she is like my

overall-wearing, bow-headed, b*tch of a mother, she will gain it all back.

>

> that is a common thread with SO MANY suspected bpd females I have

> known, they have NO self-concept outside their looks. I was on a

> message board once that seemed to be swimming with female bpd/npd

> types (this was before I knew anything about this stuff so I didn't

> put it in those terms) but I wrote a friend once and I said, have

> you noticed this dynamic of these male-identified females around

> here who seem to crave so much attention based on their physicality

> (they would post alot of pictures...it was a news/politics site but

> these women apparently were there for more than that) and they all,

> it seemed, had really crappy relationships with their mothers,

> without exception. And they all seemed to have good, or better,

> relationships with their fathers but based on their behavior I often

> wondered if their relationships with their dads weren't mildy (or

> more) incestuous. And they had this insatiable need for validation

> about their physicality, to the point of it being annoying. It was

> like they weren't 'okay' or didn't even exist if they couldn't make

> some man drool over them. It was so strange to me, it made me think

> that the only attention they'd gotten their entire lives had been

> sexual, so they didn't even know there *was* any other kind of

> attention. It is very common among the women in my family too, they

> set their looks up as all that matters and then gain all this weight

> and see it as the obstacle for acheiving anything they'd like to

> achieve in life. And undermine their daughters self-esteem too, so

> that the daughters end up having weigh problems too. I really don't

> understand why, I am just writing what I have seen.

>

March 19, 2008

Me - " why would I care

about that, she was a b*tch to me when she weighed 75 lbs more and

she is

still the same b*tch if she weighs 75 lbs less. "

Bwahahahaha! That's so true!

LJ

March 21, 2008

Mayalisa- My heart hurts for your pain and I feel the fear that grips

you. My thought after reading your post is that you ARE indeed seen as

the " enemy " by your mom. Perhaps she sees the other siblings and her

relationships with the grandchildren as the " reality " she wants to exist

in- you represent the truth about her and her husband. She can be the

wonderful person she needs to be with them. She confided in you and now

you have the " goods " on her and the past and on your father and so now

she turns on you in the presence of others, because to her you threaten

her alternate reality zone??? Totally guessing, but have you ever

confided something that you are really ashamed of to someone and then

you almost feel angry toward them for knowing your secret, if feels like

they have power over you or judge you. I have experienced both sides of

this and it is very uncomfortable. YOU did nothing wrong. She was/is

your mother and she was wrong to put so much on you then and to hurt you

further now. []

>

> has anyone else ever had this happen when the dynamic changes because

> a sister or brother previously NC is back on the scene? Plus my mother

> has a new three-month old grandson she just adores.

>

> I am starting to see things about her that are really creeping me out.

> Since the grandchild was born she has been underwriting my father's

> lies/misrepresentations more and more. Then my brother comes back on

> the scene about a month later, and I'm seeing a look in her eyes

> toward me I don't like. Resentment, malice, something. Something like

> a competitive vibe. It's actually causing me a good deal of anxiety

> just to write this down, it's really, really creepy. Times I was

> growing up I felt like she hated me, she was so remote and the cold

> way she would look at me made me feel like she was a stranger. This is

> why I felt like she was a multiple personality when I was in my early

> twenties and started working on these issues (more with an addiction

> focus though). I see someone looking out of her eyes that does not

> like me at all, that really, actually, dislikes me, maybe even hates

> me. It's strange how much can change in just a few months. I guess I

> have outlived my usefulness. I guess she used me as a confidante/ally

> for these few years. Now with her favorite child back around/new

> grandson/granddaughter on the way/ and eventual reunion with her first

> granddaughter, I'm becoming 'the enemy' again. It really scares me for

> some reason; I've had chills writing this out. She used to jerk me all

> over the place emotionally when I was a kid. I felt I couldn't reach

> her at all, and this could be days or hours after her using me for a

> confidante about how poorly my dad was treating her. I didn't

> understand how someone could treat me as a 'savior' one moment and a

> few hours later I was back to being the devil. Those events were

> incredibly painful for me...it creeps me out to no end when she

> changes like that.

>

March 23, 2008

Funny, my Dud (not the NPD, or at least nowhere near as bad) sees my

eldest bro. often, and he lives in a different state whereas I'm just up

the road and never see him. And frankly I'm starting to feel *GLAD*...

I'm starting to think I was bought up by 2 Ns... one off the planet, the

other an (uncommonly common) garden variety N...

PS did your N have a habit of calling people 'common'?????

> My father actually said to my mother that my brother was " his " and I

> was " hers " . Nice! And it sure is playing out that way -- he shames

> me for not coddling my BPD mother and never calls me, but calls and

> visits my brother all the time.

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March 24, 2008

Yes! Although she didn't use the exact word " common " , but she

used " white trash " a lot (and I'm sure more than one person might

have a first impression of HER being just that), and there was a

street near where she grew up that was strewn with debris and very

poor people lived there, it was called " Vim Drive " , and her

euphemism for " common " or " white trash " was " Vim Drive " . She prided

herself in catchy names like that to describe people.

I remember my alcoholic grandmother (her mother) passing out topless

in the living room for all to see.

But WE weren't trash, oh no........

And I live 20 minutes away from my dishrag dad & BPD mom, and they

NEVER venture here. My dad gave these excuses: " We're too old,

just don't feel like getting out of the house, it's too much to get

dressed and manage the dog, your mom's afraid of the

freeway " ......Those are direct quotes.

My brother just moved 4 hours away, and they drove out there to help

him MOVE.

-Kyla

> > My father actually said to my mother that my brother was " his "

and I

> > was " hers " . Nice! And it sure is playing out that way -- he

shames

> > me for not coddling my BPD mother and never calls me, but calls

and

> > visits my brother all the time.

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends

http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

>

March 24, 2008

Doesn't call people that name but never compliments anyone...especially a woman.

Never ever compliments women. It's crazy.

Hutton wrote: Funny, my Dud (not the

NPD, or at least nowhere near as bad) sees my

eldest bro. often, and he lives in a different state whereas I'm just up

the road and never see him. And frankly I'm starting to feel *GLAD*...

I'm starting to think I was bought up by 2 Ns... one off the planet, the

other an (uncommonly common) garden variety N...

PS did your N have a habit of calling people 'common'?????

> My father actually said to my mother that my brother was " his " and I

> was " hers " . Nice! And it sure is playing out that way -- he shames

> me for not coddling my BPD mother and never calls me, but calls and

> visits my brother all the time.

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March 24, 2008

You are right. Another thing is that I think my ex-friend hates all women

because she sees them as weak. Her mother wouldn't leave the guy no matter what.

I have confronted her on how she always blames the women in every situation. She

definitely has a one sided view on things. She is disgusted by women, hates what

men do but won't leave the biggest jerks in the world. Strange.

mayalisa728 wrote: that is such an interesting

insight:

" I have a friend whose mother remaried. The

stepfather " fell in love " with the daughter and tried to mentally

molest her as

much as possible. To this day she will side with the most disgusting

of men. She

blames women becasue she feels that they " should have known better " .

Yet she

still associates with disgusting low life men. "

Like if she somehow justifies the abuse and bonds with these men, it

didn't really happen, they aren't the monsters they really are, and

she is in control. I was thinking along these lines because I was

watching a Jenna on documentery (and I truly didn't know who she

was until I started watching it) a while back, and they show her as a

teenager being filmed by this lecherous creep, and later in the bio,

in one of her interviews she refers to him as 'such a nice guy'. And

he made my skin crawl. It probably is some kind of divorce my mother

got from her innocent self...hell, let's just call it what it is,

Stockholm syndrome/terror bonding.

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March 24, 2008

Mine did that too but the roles were reversed. My father liked all of us but,

with 6 daughters and 2 sons, he did enjoy paling around with the boys. Except

that he always tried to include the girls too. That made Nada furious and she

would launch a chracter smear campaign against one girl at a time. Its strange

but she seems to idolize the company of men and detest the company of women

(unless of course she can exploit the woman for something).

She hates other women. Its like she always wants the complete attention of

every man in the world. She plays " Daddy's good girl " with complete strangers.

Sick, sick, sick.

kylaboo728 wrote:

My father actually said to my mother that my brother was " his " and I

was " hers " . Nice! And it sure is playing out that way -- he shames

me for not coddling my BPD mother and never calls me, but calls and

visits my brother all the time.

-Kyla

>

> I am detecting a pattern here with the " boys " being the golden

child and the girls being less than nothing. That is exactly the

problem I am having with my mom and brother. He gets all the credit

and I get nothing. He blows a fart in the room and by God it smells

like roses. I won't bore you with any stories, most of them would

sound very familiar. And it is twisted. I think it has to do with

our mother's generation. My own mom is in her 70's and in that time

males were everything. She also had three sisters, two of which have

survived to adulthood. She is pretty messed up and has a lot of

issues. I am still learning how to separate what she does to me with

whether or not it has anything to do with something I have actually

done.

>

> Re: the dynamic with my mother is

shifting

>

> okay, ick, I have to get this out, because it just hit me how

> twisted this pattern is. She always used to say " you have hurt him

> so much " about my relationship with my dad. And sometimes I

wouldn't

> even know what I did, and most of the time I only had a vague idea

> of what she'd twisted around to make me look like the devil. And

it

> just occurred to me, she did the same thing with me and my

brother,

> she was always trying to make it look like I was hurting him, or

> talking bad to him. She defended the males in the family to no

end,

> at the expense of the females. She projected onto me and chastised

> me as if I was a devious adult out to hurt her husband and sons.

> Where in the @#$% did that come from???? I've never seen the

pattern

> until just now. She treated me like some Jezebel. And it's so

weird,

> because her own father was a child molester, chronic alcoholic,

and

> chronic gambler. Why would she see males with such inculpability,

> when it was her mother (who died when she was ten) who was the

> saint? Something really twisted is going on here. I can remember

her

> saying all the time about my dad 'he's a good husband, he doesn't

> beat us or run around or drink' whenever I was hurt by his

behavior

> and emotional torment. But of course when she was hurt by him I

> would sit there and be empathetic. I don't really know what to

> make of this, except that I didn't deserve that treatment. And

that

> is what I am seeing in her again now that my brother is back on

the

> scene, that tendency to glare at me and look really mean at me,

and

> just see me as someone who is inherently 'bad', like she did when

I

> was growing up. I don't think she likes women very much...and I'm

> not sure where this would come from based on her history, unless

> she's mad at her mom for dying or something, or maybe it's self-

> hatred projected out or something.

>

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March 24, 2008

Yes, you make an excellent point. I really hate the women are degraded in those

films.