Re: Nursing Home Visit Dread

[Guest guest]

Yes, she still denies that anything is wrong with her, but it isn't with

bad feelings now, it's just a statement of fact. She doesn't remember

her bad times, no...it is unspoken that she has them, and we don't

really need to talk about them anymore. When we are together we are at

my house or out in public, not at the nursing home, and we make a point

of making them happy times. She does try to revert to asking to leave

now and again but as time as gone on (it's been almost 2 years) she is

easier and easier to redirect.

It would have been cruel to " tell it like it is " since she wasn't/isn't

capable of understanding it, and it would have brought her more grief.

So I listened, I hugged her, I told her a lot that I understood how she

felt, I redirected, I told her that we never know what the future holds,

etc...but I never made promises I couldn't keep or led her to believe

she would be leaving. As long as she had hope of that, she wouldn't have

adjusted to her circumstances as they were (as opposed to how she wanted

them to be).

At 3.5 months, she was still having a pretty rough time. By about 6

months, she had difficult periods but had started to adjust. People here

told me that she would adjust but I thought, " Not her, she is so

determined! " ...but they were right, and she did, and your dad will too.

Things will get better .

His,

Sherry

daughter/guardian of , dx 4/09 with LBD, living in a nearby NH

> I think I will have to reread your reply before and after each visit. Did your

mom deny that anything was wrong with her? My dad doesn't remember his episodes

and doesn't recognize his cognitive problems. I have felt that he is trying to

be manipulative sometimes. Things you've said about not being responsible for

his happiness have run through my mind but I guess they have been pushed out by

that guilt feeling. I rethink my decisions over and over again. He has been at

the nursing home for 3.5 months. I need to work on myself it seems. It is

hard. I'll keep trying.

>

> During her adjusting months did you try to " redirect " conversations about

leaving the nursing home or did you " tell it like it is. " The redirecting

didn't seem to work well for me. It rather left it open to the possibility that

he would be leaving. It didn't feel right.

[Guest guest]

These are things I so need to know. Thank you for taking the time to share your

experience. I will try to hang in there. One more question, how often did you

visit in the first six months. Sometimes I think once a week (occasionally

twice a week) might be too often for me given the mental turmoil it has been

creating for me.

T.

> > I think I will have to reread your reply before and after each visit. Did

your mom deny that anything was wrong with her? My dad doesn't remember his

episodes and doesn't recognize his cognitive problems. I have felt that he is

trying to be manipulative sometimes. Things you've said about not being

responsible for his happiness have run through my mind but I guess they have

been pushed out by that guilt feeling. I rethink my decisions over and over

again. He has been at the nursing home for 3.5 months. I need to work on

myself it seems. It is hard. I'll keep trying.

> >

> > During her adjusting months did you try to " redirect " conversations about

leaving the nursing home or did you " tell it like it is. " The redirecting

didn't seem to work well for me. It rather left it open to the possibility that

he would be leaving. It didn't feel right.

>

[Guest guest]

For the first couple of months I visited every day. (The NH is just

around the block, 4 minutes away.) Then the social worker there and I

had a talk, and she told me that I needed to give myself permission to

stop visiting out of guilt. She also told me that my mom just lived for

my visits so that she could take it out on me, and as long as I was

enabling that, she'd never adjust. So I cut it down to 2-3 times a week,

and occasionally I would let a whole week go by without visiting. But if

I recall, there were a couple of times that I had just gotten there and

my mom started in on me, and I said, " I'm sorry, Mom, I'm going to go

now " without actually assigning blame but it was clear that I wasn't

going to sit and listen to it.

After the first few months I started taking her out. We'd go out to

lunch or just for a drive, and it wasn't long until I started bringing

her home for a day. That was great, because she knew she wasn't stuck in

there all the time, that she still had a life, and she told me as much.

By this time it was the 6-month time, and she had started to adjust - a

process that took another 6 months to complete.

Now, she comes over every Sunday. We pick her up after church and she

stays until just before dusk. (At dusk she starts to melt down,

panicking about where she will sleep, how she will get home, etc.) And

many weeks we also go out once during the week; any more often than that

and she gets anxious.

The routine and familiarity of the nursing home is where she gets her

comfort now. When she's out with me (my sister lives downstate but does

come up to visit once a month or so) I can't get out of her sight or she

gets anxious and will immediately want to go back...which shows how far

she has come, and how well she does in that environment .

--

His,

Sherry

daughter/guardian of , dx 4/09 with LBD, living in a nearby NH

> These are things I so need to know. Thank you for taking the time to share

your experience. I will try to hang in there. One more question, how often did

you visit in the first six months. Sometimes I think once a week (occasionally

twice a week) might be too often for me given the mental turmoil it has been

creating for me.

>

> T.

[Guest guest]

My husband has suggested that I get up and leave when the " go home " conversation

gets to be too much. Perhaps I will try that. One problem is my dad and I

don't really have too much to say to each other. He usually tells me the things

that have bothered him at the nursing home since the last visit and will share

will me some of the stories about the lives of the nursing home staff that they

have shared with him. I try to discuss some current events. I have started to

take him out to some stores in the area near the nursing home. His only hobby

was shopping for bargains. He won't go into a restaurant. He will only eat in

the car at a drive through like Mc's. It's tough, strained and

uncomfortable but so far I am willing to stick with it and visit. I can have

hope with your story that his discontent will fade and he will adjust. Thank

you again for sharing and advising.

Toni

> > These are things I so need to know. Thank you for taking the time to share

your experience. I will try to hang in there. One more question, how often did

you visit in the first six months. Sometimes I think once a week (occasionally

twice a week) might be too often for me given the mental turmoil it has been

creating for me.

> >

> > T.

>

[Guest guest]

Toni,

I found that I had to develop selective hearing. When I would first arrive and

my Mother saw me she was very happy that I was there, but after a couple of

minutes she would start berating me. I decided that the visit wasn't as much

about me and what I got out of it, but it was more about my Mother and what she

needed. I was there to make sure that she was taken care of, deal with any

problems, and give her a little entertainment.

When my Mother started giving me a hard time I would just let her talk and

listen for key words that told me I needed to pay attention. Otherwise I just

ignored what she said. Kind of like husbands do to wives ;-). Some days were

harder than others, but after I readjusted my thinking it became easier. I also

think the fact that my Mother and I had a very good relationship made it easier.

Good Luck,

in Dallas

> > > These are things I so need to know. Thank you for taking the time to

share your experience. I will try to hang in there. One more question, how

often did you visit in the first six months. Sometimes I think once a week

(occasionally twice a week) might be too often for me given the mental turmoil

it has been creating for me.

> > >

> > > T.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes - I think I need to work on re-adjusting my thinking. Sometimes I just wish

I could stop " thinking. " There are times when the whole problem has just taken

over my mind. It is not just a problem during the visit, it at times seems a

constant thinking and rehashing process. I have to fight myself to think of

anything else. I actually wonder what I used to think about it. I know that

time and experience will improve things. I just have to keep working on

adjusting me. Thank you for sharing your experience and coping skills.

Toni

> > > > These are things I so need to know. Thank you for taking the time to

share your experience. I will try to hang in there. One more question, how

often did you visit in the first six months. Sometimes I think once a week

(occasionally twice a week) might be too often for me given the mental turmoil

it has been creating for me.

> > > >

> > > > T.

> > >

> >

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