Re: did anyone else grow up hearing that it is wrong to badmouth your family?

[Guest guest]

Oh my. I'm staggered by the things that I'm reading about

what " parents " have done to their kids. Absolutely staggered.

Throwing down stairs, strangling and suffocating (not to the point

of death). With these experiences, it's completely logical that

there'd be panic attacks and huge fear when a similar situation

occurs in adulthood, triggering threat of survival. I'm absolutely

staggered and disgusted and feel very sad at the violence that

some " parents " inflict on their kids (of childhood age and adult

age). This behaviour is assault. I wish that governments/people

had better understanding of what goes on, and could set up systems

to protect kids. I'm so sorry that these experiences happened to

you, by the people that are supposed to love and protect you. I'm

really glad that we're all here helping each other, and taking steps

(eg therapy), to better be able to look after ourselves and seek the

support we need.

Lots of hugs and wishes and support to you all.

>

> , and others, one of the items in this sad list of abusive

> actions from your mother against you, jumped out at me... I hope I

don't

> touch a too sensitive nerve, but I mean this terrible " throw me

down the

> stairs " --one of my most serious traumas is exactly that, my mother

tried

> to strangle me in front of the stairs, upstairs, and I was so

terrified

> that I couldn't speak after this for days and acted like a zombie,

until

> my supervisor--I was already an adult--finally " pulled the story

out of

> me " . That was the day I decided to make an appointment with a

therapist

> 'for real'. While working through that event, I remembered other

scenes

> involving a raging mother, the stairs, and me as a little child.

And the

> terror I felt in me. The fear that she was going to kill me (which

she

> was screaming sometimes while beating me or worse) I still lack

words to

> say something sensible about it, it is beyond... just wanted to

share

> this, and hear if other have similar experiences with this...

>

> Katrina

>

> Well, my friends would never scream obscenities at me, go through

and

> destroy my personal belongings, throw me down the stairs for fun,

and

> beta me physically and psychologically without any provocation.

Further,

> they won't have fake heart attacks in front of terrified children,

won't

> launch smear campaigns against people for fun, and won't act like a

> narcissistic sociopath.

>

[Guest guest]

Katrina-

How horrible...there are almost not words to even offer in return.

My mother's recent rages have all been over the phone...so I don't

have the experience of feeling physical harm. But she did say such

vile things in a conversation in August that I was physically shaking

when the conversation ended. I was honestly afraid of her for the

first time since I had been a child. She did something similar in

December before Christmas (we had a brief period of LC because my

birthday is in December and my parents insisted on coming over to

bring a present). After the December incident, I was so frightened

of what she might do that I worked from home the last few days before

Christmas...I was not sure if she might attempt to go to the schools

where my daughters attend because she had called my ex-husband asking

to see them. I went so far as to call both schools and remind them

that my daughters grandmother was NOT on the emergency card and she

was in no way allowed to see my daughters. There is no way to

explain the feeling that a child has when it becomes clear that their

mother or father would wish them ill. It is the primary reason I'm

not sure I could physically face my mother again. I can't imagine

what she would do in person as she was so totally out of control on

the phone.

My heart goes out to you. Take care-

JJFan

>

>

> , and others, one of the items in this sad list of abusive

> actions from your mother against you, jumped out at me... I hope I

don't

> touch a too sensitive nerve, but I mean this terrible " throw me

down the

> stairs " --one of my most serious traumas is exactly that, my mother

tried

> to strangle me in front of the stairs, upstairs, and I was so

terrified

> that I couldn't speak after this for days and acted like a zombie,

until

> my supervisor--I was already an adult--finally " pulled the story

out of

> me " . That was the day I decided to make an appointment with a

therapist

> 'for real'. While working through that event, I remembered other

scenes

> involving a raging mother, the stairs, and me as a little child.

And the

> terror I felt in me. The fear that she was going to kill me (which

she

> was screaming sometimes while beating me or worse) I still lack

words to

> say something sensible about it, it is beyond... just wanted to

share

> this, and hear if other have similar experiences with this...

>

> Katrina

>

>

[Guest guest]

Katrina, honey, I have no words to sufficiently express my outrage over this.

YOU are NOT to blame for what happened to you. There are predators everywhere

and when you are as vulnerable as you are they are quick to take advantage of

that. The cycle of abuse starts early and repeats it self. YOUR parents are to

blame for not raising you to be more self confident and have the ability to say

NO when a boundary is crossed. Be kind to yourself and work to understand why

you react the way you do and how to build your defenses. It is so not fair and

there are definitely some asses to be kicked because of the way you have been

treated. That you are able to talk to us about this is probably a very good

thing as most rape victims cannot overcome the shame to speak to anyone else

about it. Speaking out is breaking the cycle of abuse. You just keep working on

getting stronger. You WILL get there.

Be strong

Re: did anyone else grow up hearing that it is

wrong to badmouth your family?

Yes, I've heard and obeyed the rule of secrecy and discretion over

and over again. The worst scenes of violence against me were my

mother's AND my father's retaliation after I had confided in someone

(because I sometimes did, I felt I could not take it anymore and

could not be with all this alone). Or sometimes my mother just

suspected that I did, when I became too close with a friend or so,

and she needed to cut ties. I was also very convinced it was a very

wrong thing to do, I interiorized this dictum deeply and only with a

lot of effort and very much patience of my therapist was I able to

let go of this feeling -- at least enough to talk and tell my story.

In Flemish there are some proverbs about badmouthing that I heard and

was made to quote again and again: (I try to translate): " whoever

damages his nose, damages his face. " Meaning : it will all fall on

your own head if you badmouth the family. And " hanging out the dirty

laundry " was one of the capital crimes in our household.

This unconditional loyalty and secrecy had a devastating effect on me

and caused a deep scar on my soul. When I was 20, I confided in a

Christian counselor (age 33 or so) at the university. It turned out

that she was absolutely not someone to be trusted, she abused of my

longing for comfort and affirmation and she manipulated me enormously

into doing all kinds of things I did not want and did not feel

comfortable about physically and sexually -- and the " friendship "

and " therapy " (the boundaries there were blurred) ended when she

raped me. I kept silent about it for 8 years and blamed myself deep

down: I saw this horrible thing that happened to me as a logical

consequence of the fact that I had trusted someone with information

about our family and my mother. In my eyes, I was more the criminal

than this woman.

This is just an example of how deeply I was influenced by the " honor

thy father and thy mother " ...Still very angry when I write this down.

Katrina

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[Guest guest]

I am so glad you are with a therapist who is helping you work through this. It

never ceases to amaze me that as bad as I think my relationship with my parents

has been, there is always someone who has had it much, much worse. No wonder you

have migraines. It also never ceases to amaze me the capacity we have as a group

to survive. You are a survivor Katrina. One of these days your mother will pull

something and be in for the shock of her life. I for one cannot wait to hear

about it.

Be strong

Re: did anyone else grow up hearing that it is

wrong to badmouth your family?

, and others, one of the items in this sad list of abusive

actions from your mother against you, jumped out at me... I hope I don't

touch a too sensitive nerve, but I mean this terrible " throw me down the

stairs " --one of my most serious traumas is exactly that, my mother tried

to strangle me in front of the stairs, upstairs, and I was so terrified

that I couldn't speak after this for days and acted like a zombie, until

my supervisor-- I was already an adult--finally " pulled the story out of

me " . That was the day I decided to make an appointment with a therapist

'for real'. While working through that event, I remembered other scenes

involving a raging mother, the stairs, and me as a little child. And the

terror I felt in me. The fear that she was going to kill me (which she

was screaming sometimes while beating me or worse) I still lack words to

say something sensible about it, it is beyond... just wanted to share

this, and hear if other have similar experiences with this...

Katrina

Well, my friends would never scream obscenities at me, go through and

destroy my personal belongings, throw me down the stairs for fun, and

beta me physically and psychologically without any provocation. Further,

they won't have fake heart attacks in front of terrified children, won't

launch smear campaigns against people for fun, and won't act like a

narcissistic sociopath.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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[Guest guest]

,

That is a brutal scenario you have just related. To do that to a 6 year old is

indefensible. I hope your mother is not allowed around any other children

because she is a child abuser plain and simple. That was wrong.

Re: Re: did anyone else grow up hearing that it is

wrong to badmouth your family?

One other thing...I have had experiences like that and they still terrify me.

For example: I still have a terror of suffocation. Beginning at the age of 6, my

Nada would, without provocation, order me to go outside with her. This always

happened in the winter time. She would kick my legs out from underneath me and

then push me backwards until I was flat on my back in the snow. Then she would

straddle my chest (she out weighed me by a good 100+ lbs or so) and then slam

fistfuls of snow both down my throat and up my nose. She would do this in broad

daylight behind a group of bushes that lined the walkway of the house. Then as

abruptly as she attacked, she would jump off me, go into the house and leave me

lying in the snow, choking and terrified. She did this at least twice every

winter and I began to feel dread every time the seasons changed. I remember the

kids at school talking about how they loved the winter time becasue they just

couldn't wait for Christmas. I remember hoping that she wouldn't suffocate me

for so long that I

actually died. Those

were my hopes for the season.

To this day I have a fear of suffocation. One of my friends and I were wrestling

around one day and pinned my arms at my side and sat on my chest (this happened

as an adult). I had a panic attack and begged him to get off of me. He thought I

was just kidding around until I began screaming that he was killing me. He

finally jumped off me and just looked at me like I was some kind of alien..

Heon <mheonyahoo (DOT) com> wrote:

I'm sorry that happened Katrina. What bothers me even more is that she tried to

do that to you as an adult as well. May sound trite but my Nada wouldn't lay a

hand on me now (not that I'm around her to give her the opportunity) . It's just

that she knows that, if she ever laid a hand on me now, I would snap her neck

without regret (sounds violent but I am through allowing her physical abuse).

Your Nada obviously stills thinks she can assault without consequence. Are you

still in contact with her? Please don't view this as blaming the victim (some

people blame the attacked becasue they didn't file police charges but few

understand the paralysis that can occur from trauma) but have you considered

having her arrested for assault? Apparently she needs to grow a clue and realize

that she CANNOT touch you in that manner EVER AGAIN.

Hope you don't think I'm being nosey but I would like to know the dynamics of

your dealings with her now. I understand if that is too personal so won't press

the issue. Am VERY glad that you are in therapy now. Good for you to know that

you deserve the health that a good therapist can lead you to..

" katrina.berries " <katrina.berries@ yahoo.com> wrote:

, and others, one of the items in this sad list of abusive

actions from your mother against you, jumped out at me... I hope I don't

touch a too sensitive nerve, but I mean this terrible " throw me down the

stairs " --one of my most serious traumas is exactly that, my mother tried

to strangle me in front of the stairs, upstairs, and I was so terrified

that I couldn't speak after this for days and acted like a zombie, until

my supervisor-- I was already an adult--finally " pulled the story out of

me " . That was the day I decided to make an appointment with a therapist

'for real'. While working through that event, I remembered other scenes

involving a raging mother, the stairs, and me as a little child. And the

terror I felt in me. The fear that she was going to kill me (which she

was screaming sometimes while beating me or worse) I still lack words to

say something sensible about it, it is beyond... just wanted to share

this, and hear if other have similar experiences with this...

Katrina

Well, my friends would never scream obscenities at me, go through and

destroy my personal belongings, throw me down the stairs for fun, and

beta me physically and psychologically without any provocation. Further,

they won't have fake heart attacks in front of terrified children, won't

launch smear campaigns against people for fun, and won't act like a

narcissistic sociopath.

------------ --------- --------- ---

You rock. That's why Blockbuster' s offering you one month of Blockbuster Total

Access, No Cost.

[Guest guest]

Thank you . It may sound strange that I would thank anyone for pointing out

that her behavior is wrong. The reality is that I grew up being told her

behavior was perfectly right and that I was the crazy one. Finally through

therapy I'm realizing what a sadistic coward she really is.

Fortunately she does not have access to children anymore. None of my siblings

that are parents will allow her around their children. Thank God!

Lilly Blue wrote:

,

That is a brutal scenario you have just related. To do that to a 6 year old is

indefensible. I hope your mother is not allowed around any other children

because she is a child abuser plain and simple. That was wrong.

Re: Re: did anyone else grow up hearing that it is

wrong to badmouth your family?

One other thing...I have had experiences like that and they still terrify me.

For example: I still have a terror of suffocation. Beginning at the age of 6, my

Nada would, without provocation, order me to go outside with her. This always

happened in the winter time. She would kick my legs out from underneath me and

then push me backwards until I was flat on my back in the snow. Then she would

straddle my chest (she out weighed me by a good 100+ lbs or so) and then slam

fistfuls of snow both down my throat and up my nose. She would do this in broad

daylight behind a group of bushes that lined the walkway of the house. Then as

abruptly as she attacked, she would jump off me, go into the house and leave me

lying in the snow, choking and terrified. She did this at least twice every

winter and I began to feel dread every time the seasons changed. I remember the

kids at school talking about how they loved the winter time becasue they just

couldn't wait for Christmas. I remember hoping that she wouldn't suffocate me

for so long that I

actually died. Those

were my hopes for the season.

To this day I have a fear of suffocation. One of my friends and I were wrestling

around one day and pinned my arms at my side and sat on my chest (this happened

as an adult). I had a panic attack and begged him to get off of me. He thought I

was just kidding around until I began screaming that he was killing me. He

finally jumped off me and just looked at me like I was some kind of alien..

Heon wrote:

I'm sorry that happened Katrina. What bothers me even more is that she tried to

do that to you as an adult as well. May sound trite but my Nada wouldn't lay a

hand on me now (not that I'm around her to give her the opportunity) . It's just

that she knows that, if she ever laid a hand on me now, I would snap her neck

without regret (sounds violent but I am through allowing her physical abuse).

Your Nada obviously stills thinks she can assault without consequence. Are you

still in contact with her? Please don't view this as blaming the victim (some

people blame the attacked becasue they didn't file police charges but few

understand the paralysis that can occur from trauma) but have you considered

having her arrested for assault? Apparently she needs to grow a clue and realize

that she CANNOT touch you in that manner EVER AGAIN.

Hope you don't think I'm being nosey but I would like to know the dynamics of

your dealings with her now. I understand if that is too personal so won't press

the issue. Am VERY glad that you are in therapy now. Good for you to know that

you deserve the health that a good therapist can lead you to..

" katrina.berries " wrote:

, and others, one of the items in this sad list of abusive

actions from your mother against you, jumped out at me... I hope I don't

touch a too sensitive nerve, but I mean this terrible " throw me down the

stairs " --one of my most serious traumas is exactly that, my mother tried

to strangle me in front of the stairs, upstairs, and I was so terrified

that I couldn't speak after this for days and acted like a zombie, until

my supervisor-- I was already an adult--finally " pulled the story out of

me " . That was the day I decided to make an appointment with a therapist

'for real'. While working through that event, I remembered other scenes

involving a raging mother, the stairs, and me as a little child. And the

terror I felt in me. The fear that she was going to kill me (which she

was screaming sometimes while beating me or worse) I still lack words to

say something sensible about it, it is beyond... just wanted to share

this, and hear if other have similar experiences with this...

Katrina

Well, my friends would never scream obscenities at me, go through and

destroy my personal belongings, throw me down the stairs for fun, and

beta me physically and psychologically without any provocation. Further,

they won't have fake heart attacks in front of terrified children, won't

launch smear campaigns against people for fun, and won't act like a

narcissistic sociopath.

------------ --------- --------- ---

You rock. That's why Blockbuster' s offering you one month of Blockbuster Total

Access, No Cost.