Guest guest Posted April 1, 2008 Report Share Posted April 1, 2008 I am realizing my only defense against an attack is to walk away, to hang up, or to remove myself from the situation. But for the " small " attacks, is this still my only option? Recently my nada drilled into me for not calling her back within 12 hours. Her voice mail message that she left me said she had picked up some letters from the past and she sounded happy. I didn't see any emergency in calling her back right then and there. It was late on a Saturday night and I was at a dinner, so I didn't return the call until Sunday afternoon. She complained that I didn't call back and that maybe she was not " hip " enough for me to get back to. In these cases, do I point out she's being unreasonable (she always manages to spin it back around on me if I do), do I hang up?, or do I just agree with her and try to get off the phone quickly (like you would do with a telemarketer)....? I opted for the last one and stayed on the phone and said " um hum... " and " nice talking to ya " . I was told by some that I should have hung up. But when does it get to be too much? Even if I kept hanging up, I don't think she gets the message. I normally reserve that for " bad " attacks... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2008 Report Share Posted April 1, 2008 nanleejoy -- We just talked about this sort of thing in my group therapy tonight! Generally, about people who try to intimidate us into calling them to suit THEIR schedule, convenience or insecurities, and not OUR convience. You don't have to justify why you didn't call her right back -- she has no right to demand you jump when she snaps her fingers, even if that fingersnap was by telephone. You don't have to explain how you're spending your time. You called her back when it was convenient for you, as is absolutely your right. If it had been me, I would have brushed right past her snarky comment about her displeasure at when I returned the call and gotten right to the point: " Oh, your message didn't sound urgent. Did you have something urgent to tell me? " That kind of puts the spotlight on why she's making a big deal out of your timing -- instead of her trying to make you uncomfortable with a ridiculous assertion that she's not " hip " enough for you to call back. What an obvious projection of her insecurities! I'd deflect that immediately. If she drops it, then brushing past her insult would have been successful. If she keeps berating you, you ABSOLUTELY have the right to end the call by politely saying " Well, it sounds like I've caught you at a bad time, so we can talk later. " You're welcome to hang up right then, or if she straightens up her act, then you can resume the polite, respectful conversation that ANY human being has the right to expect. You can always be unfailingly polite, while STILL extracting yourself from the phone call when you sense that she's trying to use that interaction to satisfy her need to abuse someone. Whether it's small abuse or large really doesn't matter. You can take control of the conversation if your mother throws out a rude insult like the one you described. Pay attention to how you feel -- if you are feeling put on the spot by her, ask her what she wanted when she called, which is a way of urging her to get to the point, that you're not here for her to abuse -- either in person or by phone. Put the spotlight back on her and how she's behaving with the " Sounds like I've caught you at a bad time. " And for sure don't justify yourself the next time she accuses you of taking too long to return the call -- just ignore the comment and get to the subject of the call. THAT will send a strong message, too: I'm not explaining or justifying myself. I'm an adult. > > I am realizing my only defense against an attack is to walk away, to > hang up, or to remove myself from the situation. > > But for the " small " attacks, is this still my only option? Recently my > nada drilled into me for not calling her back within 12 hours. Her > voice mail message that she left me said she had picked up some letters > from the past and she sounded happy. I didn't see any emergency in > calling her back right then and there. It was late on a Saturday night > and I was at a dinner, so I didn't return the call until Sunday > afternoon. She complained that I didn't call back and that maybe she > was not " hip " enough for me to get back to. In these cases, do I point > out she's being unreasonable (she always manages to spin it back around > on me if I do), do I hang up?, or do I just agree with her and try to > get off the phone quickly (like you would do with a telemarketer)....? > I opted for the last one and stayed on the phone and said " um hum... " > and " nice talking to ya " . I was told by some that I should have hung > up. But when does it get to be too much? Even if I kept hanging up, I > don't think she gets the message. I normally reserve that for " bad " > attacks... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2008 Report Share Posted April 1, 2008 I put the phone down (not hang up just on the floor) and go to the toilet/do the dishes/vacuuming. I try to make the flushing audible to them... > I am realizing my only defense against an attack is to walk away, to > hang up, or to remove myself from the situation. > > But for the " small " attacks, is this still my only option? Recently > my > nada drilled into me for not calling her back within 12 hours. Her > voice mail message that she left me said she had picked up some > letters > from the past and she sounded happy. I didn't see any emergency in > calling her back right then and there. It was late on a Saturday > night > and I was at a dinner, so I didn't return the call until Sunday > afternoon. She complained that I didn't call back and that maybe she > was not " hip " enough for me to get back to. In these cases, do I > point > out she's being unreasonable (she always manages to spin it back > around > on me if I do), do I hang up?, or do I just agree with her and try to > get off the phone quickly (like you would do with a > telemarketer)....? > I opted for the last one and stayed on the phone and said " um hum... " > and " nice talking to ya " . I was told by some that I should have hung > up. But when does it get to be too much? Even if I kept hanging up, I > don't think she gets the message. I normally reserve that for " bad " > attacks... > > > > > Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 1, 2008 Report Share Posted April 1, 2008 I really hate my phone. Except, that I like to have it with me for emergencies. Or, if I'm driving and need to stop to call someone. That's great. I've thought alot about my stress every time my phone rings and the knot that I get in my throat. Growing up my BPD mother was constantly on the phone. And used it to be a non mother. I seldom remember being able to talk with her about anything important to me, without talking over her phone conversation. That's one reason that I hate it. But, even more important, i think, is that both my mother and my bpd husband tried so much to control me via the phone. " where were you! " " Why weren't you with me " " What were you doing " (that they didn't get to control). when I was dating him (before cell phones) he was calling so much and using it to control my life, long distance. I'd have not married him if I'd have realized how he was doing that. I wish then that I understood that BPD's do use the phone and call you constantly. And that's a sign of BPD. With cell phone's they expect you at their beck and call constantly. And what's even more annoying is that they don't relent, or give up. I told my ex BPD husband that I can't answer the phone during the day because, my mother calls me constantly and I can't get anything done. I told her the same thing about him. That I can't answer my phone because, he calls me constantly. This worked, with constant reminding. They each seemed to understand why I wouldn't want to constantly talk to the other one. But, the second that you start to answer their calls during the daytime...they are on full speed again...constantly wanting to know what you are doing, or tell you what to do. I get so sick of it. Lately, I've just been using the excuse that " Oops, I forgot to take my phone with me and that's why I didn't answer. " One time my mother came over to bawl me out about it And I finally said to her, " Look, I can't be at your beck and call every minute. " She later repeated this to me snidely, " well, I guess you can't be at my beck and call every minute. " That's right! > > I am realizing my only defense against an attack is to walk away, to > hang up, or to remove myself from the situation. > > But for the " small " attacks, is this still my only option? Recently my > nada drilled into me for not calling her back within 12 hours. Her > voice mail message that she left me said she had picked up some letters > from the past and she sounded happy. I didn't see any emergency in > calling her back right then and there. It was late on a Saturday night > and I was at a dinner, so I didn't return the call until Sunday > afternoon. She complained that I didn't call back and that maybe she > was not " hip " enough for me to get back to. In these cases, do I point > out she's being unreasonable (she always manages to spin it back around > on me if I do), do I hang up?, or do I just agree with her and try to > get off the phone quickly (like you would do with a telemarketer)....? > I opted for the last one and stayed on the phone and said " um hum... " > and " nice talking to ya " . I was told by some that I should have hung > up. But when does it get to be too much? Even if I kept hanging up, I > don't think she gets the message. I normally reserve that for " bad " > attacks... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2008 Report Share Posted April 2, 2008 hang up. it just reinforces her behavior > > I am realizing my only defense against an attack is to walk away, to > hang up, or to remove myself from the situation. > > But for the " small " attacks, is this still my only option? Recently my > nada drilled into me for not calling her back within 12 hours. Her > voice mail message that she left me said she had picked up some letters > from the past and she sounded happy. I didn't see any emergency in > calling her back right then and there. It was late on a Saturday night > and I was at a dinner, so I didn't return the call until Sunday > afternoon. She complained that I didn't call back and that maybe she > was not " hip " enough for me to get back to. In these cases, do I point > out she's being unreasonable (she always manages to spin it back around > on me if I do), do I hang up?, or do I just agree with her and try to > get off the phone quickly (like you would do with a telemarketer)....? > I opted for the last one and stayed on the phone and said " um hum... " > and " nice talking to ya " . I was told by some that I should have hung > up. But when does it get to be too much? Even if I kept hanging up, I > don't think she gets the message. I normally reserve that for " bad " > attacks... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2008 Report Share Posted April 2, 2008 This is an insightful thread, and very recognizable. I have already tried all sorts of things to diminish the stress related to phone calls. If I did not need a cell phone for my work and liked it for my own friends, I wouldn't have one. I am considering to cancel my number. In the past I have already changed it; I have tried having two different phones and two different numbers so that the private calls (mothercalls of course) would not interrupt me the whole time during the day. I very often don't answer the phone, my colleagues know that I look at the number display and when it is either my mother or anonymous (a trick of hers) I don't take it and they smile about it. And I also know all the excuses: I put it on silent cause I did not want to wake up a baby (when I'm with kids); I forgot it, it was lying in another room, the battery ran out... It is true that a BPD never gives up though. Something I have to really let sink in into my mind and then see what I decide. When I talk to her on the phone, I used to not being able to cut her short and then I closed myself off mentally, let her ramble and in the mean time arranged the dishes, watered my plants, ... Now I am better able to determine when I end the conversation. After my mother went too far last Thursday and got all over me and I left their house furious, I haven't called her and don't take the phone. I only reply via e-mail. It drives her nuts and she develops real stalking behavior. But I need to do this. Although it takes a lot out of me. Thanks for bringing up this topic! Katrina > > > > I am realizing my only defense against an attack is to walk away, to > > hang up, or to remove myself from the situation. > > > > But for the " small " attacks, is this still my only option? Recently my > > nada drilled into me for not calling her back within 12 hours. Her > > voice mail message that she left me said she had picked up some letters > > from the past and she sounded happy. I didn't see any emergency in > > calling her back right then and there. It was late on a Saturday night > > and I was at a dinner, so I didn't return the call until Sunday > > afternoon. She complained that I didn't call back and that maybe she > > was not " hip " enough for me to get back to. In these cases, do I point > > out she's being unreasonable (she always manages to spin it back around > > on me if I do), do I hang up?, or do I just agree with her and try to > > get off the phone quickly (like you would do with a telemarketer)....? > > I opted for the last one and stayed on the phone and said " um hum... " > > and " nice talking to ya " . I was told by some that I should have hung > > up. But when does it get to be too much? Even if I kept hanging up, I > > don't think she gets the message. I normally reserve that for " bad " > > attacks... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2008 Report Share Posted April 2, 2008 Ask her to explain the rush. I get a lot of these little digs and when I decide to put my foot down, I ask my mom to explain her thinking. Ask her if it is acceptable for you to call at 3 am if there is a " window " that she absolutely wants you to adhere to. This statement is silly but then so is her statement about not being hip. I am all for working with our BPD family members but if our biggest beef is about boundaries isn't it time we start laying down the law about what is acceptable? We get what we put up with. As for hanging up, I think that reinforces the opinion that we are rude and ungrateful children. Call her on the behavior or ignore it. If she gets nasty then by all means hang up. It is as if we must now train our parents how we are to be treated from here on out. It sucks, but there you are. Just a few thoughts. Easier said than done. Be strong When do you hang up? I am realizing my only defense against an attack is to walk away, to hang up, or to remove myself from the situation. But for the " small " attacks, is this still my only option? Recently my nada drilled into me for not calling her back within 12 hours. Her voice mail message that she left me said she had picked up some letters from the past and she sounded happy. I didn't see any emergency in calling her back right then and there. It was late on a Saturday night and I was at a dinner, so I didn't return the call until Sunday afternoon. She complained that I didn't call back and that maybe she was not " hip " enough for me to get back to. In these cases, do I point out she's being unreasonable (she always manages to spin it back around on me if I do), do I hang up?, or do I just agree with her and try to get off the phone quickly (like you would do with a telemarketer) ....? I opted for the last one and stayed on the phone and said " um hum... " and " nice talking to ya " . I was told by some that I should have hung up. But when does it get to be too much? Even if I kept hanging up, I don't think she gets the message. I normally reserve that for " bad " attacks... ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost. http://tc.deals.yahoo.com/tc/blockbuster/text5.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2008 Report Share Posted April 2, 2008 I found this post very relatable & helpful. All great advice. Kyla, that is good stuff and ...lmao! I've often wondered if I'm just some anti social weirdo since I dread the sound of the phone ringing. I don't like talking on the phone either. I feel pressured and as others have said I'm MUCH more comfortable keeping in touch via e-mail. The only problem with that is I think it goes back to being sooooo careful about what we say. It doesn't give us a lot of practice with being assertive on the spot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2008 Report Share Posted April 2, 2008 Kylaboo, I am totally impressed with your response! Do you currently communicate with your BPD? I wish I could assert myself like you described, but know I am too emotionally bonded to do it. I was so enmeshed and am just now, at 31, finding my indiviuality. I do not feel ready to communticate effectively as you described, but am also impatient and wonder when or if I will ever be. My mom has at least 10 people who have gone NC with her because the abuse and rage is so bad. But if everyone leaves then who will help. I'm trying hard to get to a position where I can communicate effectively without sacrificing myself. JaneSoul Re: When do you hang up? nanleejoy -- We just talked about this sort of thing in my group therapy tonight! Generally, about people who try to intimidate us into calling them to suit THEIR schedule, convenience or insecurities, and not OUR convience. You don't have to justify why you didn't call her right back -- she has no right to demand you jump when she snaps her fingers, even if that fingersnap was by telephone. You don't have to explain how you're spending your time. You called her back when it was convenient for you, as is absolutely your right. If it had been me, I would have brushed right past her snarky comment about her displeasure at when I returned the call and gotten right to the point: " Oh, your message didn't sound urgent. Did you have something urgent to tell me? " That kind of puts the spotlight on why she's making a big deal out of your timing -- instead of her trying to make you uncomfortable with a ridiculous assertion that she's not " hip " enough for you to call back. What an obvious projection of her insecurities! I'd deflect that immediately. If she drops it, then brushing past her insult would have been successful. If she keeps berating you, you ABSOLUTELY have the right to end the call by politely saying " Well, it sounds like I've caught you at a bad time, so we can talk later. " You're welcome to hang up right then, or if she straightens up her act, then you can resume the polite, respectful conversation that ANY human being has the right to expect. You can always be unfailingly polite, while STILL extracting yourself from the phone call when you sense that she's trying to use that interaction to satisfy her need to abuse someone. Whether it's small abuse or large really doesn't matter. You can take control of the conversation if your mother throws out a rude insult like the one you described. Pay attention to how you feel -- if you are feeling put on the spot by her, ask her what she wanted when she called, which is a way of urging her to get to the point, that you're not here for her to abuse -- either in person or by phone. Put the spotlight back on her and how she's behaving with the " Sounds like I've caught you at a bad time. " And for sure don't justify yourself the next time she accuses you of taking too long to return the call -- just ignore the comment and get to the subject of the call. THAT will send a strong message, too: I'm not explaining or justifying myself. I'm an adult. > > I am realizing my only defense against an attack is to walk away, to > hang up, or to remove myself from the situation. > > But for the " small " attacks, is this still my only option? Recently my > nada drilled into me for not calling her back within 12 hours. Her > voice mail message that she left me said she had picked up some letters > from the past and she sounded happy. I didn't see any emergency in > calling her back right then and there. It was late on a Saturday night > and I was at a dinner, so I didn't return the call until Sunday > afternoon. She complained that I didn't call back and that maybe she > was not " hip " enough for me to get back to. In these cases, do I point > out she's being unreasonable (she always manages to spin it back around > on me if I do), do I hang up?, or do I just agree with her and try to > get off the phone quickly (like you would do with a telemarketer) ....? > I opted for the last one and stayed on the phone and said " um hum... " > and " nice talking to ya " . I was told by some that I should have hung > up. But when does it get to be too much? Even if I kept hanging up, I > don't think she gets the message. I normally reserve that for " bad " > attacks... > ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost. http://tc.deals.yahoo.com/tc/blockbuster/text5.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2008 Report Share Posted April 2, 2008 I finally had to block BPD's phone number. That way you don't have to take on the burden of changing your #. When we were communicating, I would get a shooting pain from my chest to mt stomach whenever the phone rang. After going LC then NC and blocking the number I no longer get the shooting feeling when the phone rings. JaneSoul Re: When do you hang up? This is an insightful thread, and very recognizable. I have already tried all sorts of things to diminish the stress related to phone calls. If I did not need a cell phone for my work and liked it for my own friends, I wouldn't have one. I am considering to cancel my number. In the past I have already changed it; I have tried having two different phones and two different numbers so that the private calls (mothercalls of course) would not interrupt me the whole time during the day. I very often don't answer the phone, my colleagues know that I look at the number display and when it is either my mother or anonymous (a trick of hers) I don't take it and they smile about it. And I also know all the excuses: I put it on silent cause I did not want to wake up a baby (when I'm with kids); I forgot it, it was lying in another room, the battery ran out... It is true that a BPD never gives up though. Something I have to really let sink in into my mind and then see what I decide. When I talk to her on the phone, I used to not being able to cut her short and then I closed myself off mentally, let her ramble and in the mean time arranged the dishes, watered my plants, ... Now I am better able to determine when I end the conversation. After my mother went too far last Thursday and got all over me and I left their house furious, I haven't called her and don't take the phone. I only reply via e-mail. It drives her nuts and she develops real stalking behavior. But I need to do this. Although it takes a lot out of me. Thanks for bringing up this topic! Katrina > > > > I am realizing my only defense against an attack is to walk away, to > > hang up, or to remove myself from the situation. > > > > But for the " small " attacks, is this still my only option? Recently my > > nada drilled into me for not calling her back within 12 hours. Her > > voice mail message that she left me said she had picked up some letters > > from the past and she sounded happy. I didn't see any emergency in > > calling her back right then and there. It was late on a Saturday night > > and I was at a dinner, so I didn't return the call until Sunday > > afternoon. She complained that I didn't call back and that maybe she > > was not " hip " enough for me to get back to. In these cases, do I point > > out she's being unreasonable (she always manages to spin it back around > > on me if I do), do I hang up?, or do I just agree with her and try to > > get off the phone quickly (like you would do with a telemarketer) ....? > > I opted for the last one and stayed on the phone and said " um hum... " > > and " nice talking to ya " . I was told by some that I should have hung > > up. But when does it get to be too much? Even if I kept hanging up, I > > don't think she gets the message. I normally reserve that for " bad " > > attacks... > > > ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost. http://tc.deals.yahoo.com/tc/blockbuster/text5.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2008 Report Share Posted April 2, 2008 Hey, Jane -- You'll get there! I was quivering jello until I found out about BPD and this group, 2 years ago when I was 43! It was like a light bulb went off and I suddenly saw myself as having the right not to be treated like that by my mother OR my father. The result? They've gone NC to " punish " me. As for me? I see it as less of a " punishment " than just acknowledging the REAL reality of our relationship, which wasn't much of a relationship at all. I do enjoy having a dinner out with them, or going over there for a couple of hours to have coffee and catch up on conversation, but we don't talk about the NC (it's the elephant in the room), and I am careful not to encourage her to start her " boo hoo " pity machine, and I leave after a certain amount of time. Same with phone calls -- she's still trying to be pitied, and I don't participate anymore. I thought I was close to my dad, but the reality is, if I'm not coddling my mother's dysfunction, he has no use for me. My therapist helped me see it -- I was in heavy denial, I kept saying " But he's a good dad " ......until she finally made me open my eyes and see that he is not. He had so many times he could have chosen to support his daughter, but 9 times out of 10, he stood with his wife -- being her faithful servant and rescuer must give him some sort of psychological salve for his own emotional wounds. That book " Understanding the Borderline Mother " nailed it right on the head: it described my father EXACTLY, and laid it flat out: the father might seem like a good father until such time that he has to make a choice to defend his BPD wife or his child -- the child usually loses. All I can tell you is: Don't waste as many years as I did thinking you have no power. If you truly are " emotionally bonded " , the relationship will survive you being politely assertive and drawing the line as to what emotional baggage you want to carry, and what you're going to leave where it belongs: with them. Thanks for the kind words -- again, it didn't take long once the light bulb went off. I'm sure you'll be the same -- you say you are impressed with my responses? Guess what: you have the same rights. Keep finding your voice. -Kyla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2008 Report Share Posted April 2, 2008 Jane: to answer your question: I'm LC -- we talk on the phone a couple of times a year, and might have a restaurant dinner for a birthday once a year, and maybe meet for coffee twice a year. It's odd, and still feels funny, but I am allowing the relationship to run on its own power now, and that takes both sides. Without their side helping move it along, the result is we don't see each other that much. And I've let myself off the hook for all the blame -- they seem to want to blame me, but I can't control what they think. I can control what I KNOW, and that is, they aren't that interested. So, the result is we're largely NC -- just a little polite contact here and there. -Kyla > > Hey, Jane -- > > You'll get there! I was quivering jello until I found out about BPD > and this group, 2 years ago when I was 43! It was like a light bulb > went off and I suddenly saw myself as having the right not to be > treated like that by my mother OR my father. The result? They've > gone NC to " punish " me. As for me? I see it as less of > a " punishment " than just acknowledging the REAL reality of our > relationship, which wasn't much of a relationship at all. I do > enjoy having a dinner out with them, or going over there for a > couple of hours to have coffee and catch up on conversation, but we > don't talk about the NC (it's the elephant in the room), and I am > careful not to encourage her to start her " boo hoo " pity machine, > and I leave after a certain amount of time. Same with phone calls -- > she's still trying to be pitied, and I don't participate anymore. > > I thought I was close to my dad, but the reality is, if I'm not > coddling my mother's dysfunction, he has no use for me. My > therapist helped me see it -- I was in heavy denial, I kept > saying " But he's a good dad " ......until she finally made me open my > eyes and see that he is not. He had so many times he could have > chosen to support his daughter, but 9 times out of 10, he stood with > his wife -- being her faithful servant and rescuer must give him > some sort of psychological salve for his own emotional wounds. > > That book " Understanding the Borderline Mother " nailed it right on > the head: it described my father EXACTLY, and laid it flat out: > the father might seem like a good father until such time that he has > to make a choice to defend his BPD wife or his child -- the child > usually loses. > > All I can tell you is: Don't waste as many years as I did thinking > you have no power. If you truly are " emotionally bonded " , the > relationship will survive you being politely assertive and drawing > the line as to what emotional baggage you want to carry, and what > you're going to leave where it belongs: with them. > > Thanks for the kind words -- again, it didn't take long once the > light bulb went off. I'm sure you'll be the same -- you say you are > impressed with my responses? Guess what: you have the same rights. > > Keep finding your voice. > > -Kyla > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2008 Report Share Posted April 2, 2008 Excellent point: Put a spotlight on THEM and stop and ask them " why the rush? " They're hoping we'll rush right past that, and if you stop and directly ask them, then suddenly they have to justify their actions. Turns the tables on them. > > Ask her to explain the rush. I get a lot of these little digs and when I decide to put my foot down, I ask my mom to explain her thinking. Ask her if it is acceptable for you to call at 3 am if there is a " window " that she absolutely wants you to adhere to. This statement is silly but then so is her statement about not being hip. I am all for working with our BPD family members but if our biggest beef is about boundaries isn't it time we start laying down the law about what is acceptable? We get what we put up with. As for hanging up, I think that reinforces the opinion that we are rude and ungrateful children. Call her on the behavior or ignore it. If she gets nasty then by all means hang up. It is as if we must now train our parents how we are to be treated from here on out. > It sucks, but there you are. Just a few thoughts. Easier said than done. > Be strong > > > > When do you hang up? > > I am realizing my only defense against an attack is to walk away, to > hang up, or to remove myself from the situation. > > But for the " small " attacks, is this still my only option? Recently my > nada drilled into me for not calling her back within 12 hours. Her > voice mail message that she left me said she had picked up some letters > from the past and she sounded happy. I didn't see any emergency in > calling her back right then and there. It was late on a Saturday night > and I was at a dinner, so I didn't return the call until Sunday > afternoon. She complained that I didn't call back and that maybe she > was not " hip " enough for me to get back to. In these cases, do I point > out she's being unreasonable (she always manages to spin it back around > on me if I do), do I hang up?, or do I just agree with her and try to > get off the phone quickly (like you would do with a telemarketer) ....? > I opted for the last one and stayed on the phone and said " um hum... " > and " nice talking to ya " . I was told by some that I should have hung > up. But when does it get to be too much? Even if I kept hanging up, I > don't think she gets the message. I normally reserve that for " bad " > attacks... > > > > > > _____________________________________________________________________ _______________ > You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost. > http://tc.deals.yahoo.com/tc/blockbuster/text5.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2008 Report Share Posted April 2, 2008 Kyla- I LOVE THAT! I can't say I don't " like " to talk on the phone. I have family out of state and it's the only way to keep in touch. However, the minute I walk in the door from work, I turn off the ringer on the land line. Anyone who REALLY needs to reach me has my cell. Since I am presently NC with NADA, her call would go to voicemail anyway. But she did used to have a habit of calling and calling and calling. If I didn't answer the land line, she'd call the cell. If I didn't answer the cell, she'd call that back again. Can she not figure out that if I didn't pick up the phone, I am otherwise occupied? Not really, as the world revolves around her. Good suggestion! JJFan > > If it had been me, I would have brushed right past her snarky > comment about her displeasure at when I returned the call and gotten > right to the point: " Oh, your message didn't sound urgent. Did you > have something urgent to tell me? " That kind of puts the spotlight > on why she's making a big deal out of your timing -- instead of her > trying to make you uncomfortable with a ridiculous assertion that > she's not " hip " enough for you to call back. What an obvious > projection of her insecurities! I'd deflect that immediately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2008 Report Share Posted April 2, 2008 Thanks! JaneSoul Re: When do you hang up? Jane: to answer your question: I'm LC -- we talk on the phone a couple of times a year, and might have a restaurant dinner for a birthday once a year, and maybe meet for coffee twice a year. It's odd, and still feels funny, but I am allowing the relationship to run on its own power now, and that takes both sides. Without their side helping move it along, the result is we don't see each other that much. And I've let myself off the hook for all the blame -- they seem to want to blame me, but I can't control what they think. I can control what I KNOW, and that is, they aren't that interested. So, the result is we're largely NC -- just a little polite contact here and there. -Kyla > > Hey, Jane -- > > You'll get there! I was quivering jello until I found out about BPD > and this group, 2 years ago when I was 43! It was like a light bulb > went off and I suddenly saw myself as having the right not to be > treated like that by my mother OR my father. The result? They've > gone NC to " punish " me. As for me? I see it as less of > a " punishment " than just acknowledging the REAL reality of our > relationship, which wasn't much of a relationship at all. I do > enjoy having a dinner out with them, or going over there for a > couple of hours to have coffee and catch up on conversation, but we > don't talk about the NC (it's the elephant in the room), and I am > careful not to encourage her to start her " boo hoo " pity machine, > and I leave after a certain amount of time. Same with phone calls -- > she's still trying to be pitied, and I don't participate anymore. > > I thought I was close to my dad, but the reality is, if I'm not > coddling my mother's dysfunction, he has no use for me. My > therapist helped me see it -- I was in heavy denial, I kept > saying " But he's a good dad " .......until she finally made me open my > eyes and see that he is not.. He had so many times he could have > chosen to support his daughter, but 9 times out of 10, he stood with > his wife -- being her faithful servant and rescuer must give him > some sort of psychological salve for his own emotional wounds. > > That book " Understanding the Borderline Mother " nailed it right on > the head: it described my father EXACTLY, and laid it flat out: > the father might seem like a good father until such time that he has > to make a choice to defend his BPD wife or his child -- the child > usually loses. > > All I can tell you is: Don't waste as many years as I did thinking > you have no power. If you truly are " emotionally bonded " , the > relationship will survive you being politely assertive and drawing > the line as to what emotional baggage you want to carry, and what > you're going to leave where it belongs: with them. > > Thanks for the kind words -- again, it didn't take long once the > light bulb went off. I'm sure you'll be the same -- you say you are > impressed with my responses? Guess what: you have the same rights. > > Keep finding your voice. > > -Kyla > __.._,_.___ Messages in this topic (14) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic Messages Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother” (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,” (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe Recent Activity 20New Members Visit Your Group Meditation and Lovingkindness A Yahoo! Group to share and learn. Yahoo! Health Early Detection Know the symptoms of breast cancer. Yahoo! Groups Balance your life by learning how to make smart choices.. ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost. http://tc..deals.yahoo.com/tc/blockbuster/text5.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 2, 2008 Report Share Posted April 2, 2008 Then you did exactly the right thing -- good for you. Take care of yourself FIRST. Then tend to those who love and care about YOU. -Kyla > > > > > > I am realizing my only defense against an attack is to walk away, > to > > > hang up, or to remove myself from the situation. > > > > > > But for the " small " attacks, is this still my only option? > Recently my > > > nada drilled into me for not calling her back within 12 hours. > Her > > > voice mail message that she left me said she had picked up some > letters > > > from the past and she sounded happy. I didn't see any emergency > in > > > calling her back right then and there. It was late on a Saturday > night > > > and I was at a dinner, so I didn't return the call until Sunday > > > afternoon. She complained that I didn't call back and that maybe > she > > > was not " hip " enough for me to get back to. In these cases, do I > point > > > out she's being unreasonable (she always manages to spin it back > around > > > on me if I do), do I hang up?, or do I just agree with her and > try to > > > get off the phone quickly (like you would do with a > telemarketer) ....? > > > I opted for the last one and stayed on the phone and said " um > hum... " > > > and " nice talking to ya " . I was told by some that I should have > hung > > > up. But when does it get to be too much? Even if I kept hanging > up, I > > > don't think she gets the message. I normally reserve that > for " bad " > > > attacks... > > > > > > > > > > > _____________________________________________________________________ _______________ > You rock. That's why Blockbuster's offering you one month of Blockbuster Total Access, No Cost. > http://tc.deals.yahoo.com/tc/blockbuster/text5.com > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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